I'm still here!!

DH asked me last week if I've given up on blogging. My answer: a resounding NO!! I've actually been super busy and I can't just sit down and write without inspiration and time. Sadly, I've had inspiration but no time! So today, on the last day of 2010, a year that has brought about an extraordinary amount of change that I could not haven even begun to imagine, I will share my thoughts on the events of the past year and my hopes for the upcoming one. DH is home and watching a movie I've already seen so I can write during the less exciting parts.

He's watching Shining Through, a wonderful World War II spy movie with Melanie Griffith and Michael Douglas. As good as the movie is, the book is even better and I highly recommend both. I am not a huge fan of either of the main actors but I can forgive their creepiness, at least while I'm watching this movie.

Anyway, on to my thoughts. Don't worry, it will be short! Well, maybe...

Over the past year I have had enormous changes in my life, enough change to last me a lifetime. If you had told me last year on my 36th birthday what would happen in 2010, I would not have believed you. But here I am, 364 days later, still here, living to tell the tale.

I'm sure you've heard the saying, "When God closes a door, he opens another." Well, this past year is living proof of that adage. In my case, I think he closed a doggie door and opened an airport hangar door!

Things started off nicely, I thought in 2010. I had the best birthday party ever! A party bus going back and forth between Hooligans and Lindberg's with live bands at each one was just awesome. Now, obviously, it was not just for my birthday, but it was on my birthday so I'm counting it as my party! We were talking the other day and I think we're gonna do it again this year, but not on my birthday since that's tomorrow! Maybe on BFF's birthday this year. We'll have to look at the calendar.

Work seemed to be going well. I got along with my boss, and I thought that the issues I'd had with a couple of my co-workers were long resolved. So you can imagine my surprise when one of those co-workers, a lady whom I'd counseled on problems with her teenage stepson, prayed for, eaten with, exchanged Christmas gifts with, congratulated when she passed her certification exam, and worked, I thought, side by side as both colleagues and friends, lied about what I had told her about a situation with a patient. And as if that wasn't bad enough, my boss, whom I'd also eaten with, exchanged Christmas presents with, traveled with, received nice hand-me-down clothing for my kids from, and honestly considered to be a good friend, believed what she said and didn't even bother to ask me about it. Didn't even talk to me about it first before dragging me into HR and throwing me to the wolves. And once I got into HR, I was handed a typed report of the lies the co-worker had told to my boss and told I was suspended until the investigation was complete. They called me back in a week later and told me I was fired. I fortunately saw the writing on the wall in HR the day I was suspended and took as many of my belongings out of my desk as I could. I took copies of some of the policies and a procedure checklist for the incident which was complained about. When I applied for unemployment I sent a copy of these along to the caseworker because my former employer contested my benefits. They said I had violated a policy. Well, apparently, they made up a new policy and backdated it to before when the incident took place and submitted that to the caseworker and he ruled in their favor. So I've gotten to be unemployed for the last eight months without receiving unemployment. I guess that's good for the Obama administration because I don't count in the unemployment statistics.

I feel kind of bad because I've not kept in touch very well with my co-workers I did like. I had lunch with my former boss and two of my nice co-workers and it was awkward. My former boss was actually complaining that state regulators were making them change their practices and it was all I could do to not say that they brought it on themselves. Because when they fired me, they filed a complaint against my license, and the board investigation brought in state investigators and they looked at the whole process, not just what happened with me. I received a letter from the state board in July, around the time I got my cancer diagnosis, stating my former employer had lodged a complaint against me. I didn't even bother to reply. A few weeks ago I got another letter from the board, stating they had found I had done nothing wrong and no action would be taken against my license. So without my even defending myself, an objective outside party looked at the situation and determined I had not acted inappropriately. All this leads me to believe, that, with or without collusion from my boss, HR decided to get rid of me before I ever walked in to that office. I do find it interesting that my boss hired one of her friends to take my former position.

Now, having said all that...am I bitter? Oh, maybe a little, but it's fading. And the whole incident taught me a few valuable life lessons. Number one: your boss is not your friend. Period. Ever. You can be friendly but do not ever expect that they will have your back if something happens. Number two: once you have an enemy at work, that person will always be an enemy, even if you think everything is water under the bridge. Never trust them again. Number three: always go with your gut. The whole situation would not have even happened if I had not ignored my gut feeling.

I don't think I had ever felt as low as I did the day I walked out of HR after being fired. But it turns out that the worse was yet to come.

Last January I finally went to the female doctor for the first time in three years. The last OB-GYN I'd gone to since my insurance changed was such an asshole that I could not bring myself to make another appointment with him. And I didn't have any good leads for a different one so I just didn't go. But after almost three years and one of my friends nagging me, I finally found a doctor and made an appointment. I actually didn't see the doctor but I saw her nurse practicioner and I absolutely loved her!! And it was the NP who asked me if I wanted to have a screening mammogram this year. So it's her fault I got breast cancer! Nah, not really, thanks to her, my breast cancer was caught very early.

Getting fired absolutely sucks. Facing the possibility of cancer when you don't have a job or insurance is terrifying. But the women I met through Show Me Healthy Women and Jordan Valley Community Health Center helped put my mind at ease. Show Me Healthy Women paid for my diagnostic mammogram and biopsy, and the social worker at Jordan Valley set me up with a program through Missouri Healthnet for women who have gone through the Show Me Healthy Women program who get diagnosed with cancer. Thanks to this program, I have been able to get care at one of the best cancer centers in America, Siteman Cancer Center at Barnes Jewish Hospital and Washington University School of Medicine. I honestly think I am getting better care than I would have on my employer's insurance and I have not had to worry about trying to keep my job to keep my benefits or paying through the nose for COBRA coverage while I'm getting treated.

So I guess getting fired was a blessing in disguise. But it doesn't make me feel any better about the shoddy way I was treated. Especially being lied about. Even at almost 37, I still worry about what people think of me. And I would hate for any of my former co-workers, people outside of my small group who worked with me only occasionally, to think I would mistreat a patient.

So let's see...we've covered the job loss, the cancer diagnosis...what else do I need to talk about? Oh yeah, the cancer treatment. If you've followed my blog you've heard firsthand a lot of what I've gone through. At this point, I feel so much relief that it is finally over. Well, kind of. I still have to have reconstructive surgery and I have to take these stupid pills and shots that put me into menopause for the next five years. But I get to spend those years with my family, being mom and wife and daughter and sister (ok technically sister-in-law but I consider DH's family to be my own). That is the best gift I could be given.

Sadly, my year has not ended on a positive note. A good friend of mine and DH's was brutally murdered a couple of weeks ago. There have been different stories circulating about what led up to his murder and why the piece of shit who killed him did it, but it all boils down to this: he was our friend, just like family, and what happened to him SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED. He was snuffed out before his time and the actions of his murderer have caused a lot of pain for JM's daughter, father, step-son, other family and all his friends who were his extended family. I knew JM well, for several years, and I do not believe the reason the murderer gave to the police. I am not sure what to think of what the step-son has to say. I will pray for JM's family and pray for justice for his murder. What I said on my Facebook was absolutely true. My heart was truly broken when I heard the news. For such a gentle, sweet man to be taken from us is an absolute tragedy.

For all the bad things that happened in 2010, I am still thankful to be here to have experienced them. Everything happens for a reason, and God does not give us more than we can handle. I think He must have a little more confidence in me that I have.

Here's to 2011 being a happy, prosperous, calm and beautiful year.

Catch up time

Well, the past couple of weeks have been fairly busy, so I've not had time to blog. Actually, that's not quite true...I've had time, I just haven't had much to say or known how to say what I do have to say. But what the heck? Let's see what I can spew forth.

RIP Leslie Nielsen and Elizabeth Edwards. I laughed my ass off at his movies and although I didn't agree with her politics, her fight against breast cancer was valiant.

I hate hearing about women dying of breast cancer because I'm afraid that will be me. Even though my cancer was caught early and had not spread out of the breast, it makes me nervous when I hear about someone whose cancer recurred and now they are terminal or have died. I have way too much left to do in my life. So I try to live each day as though my days were numbered. Which is probably why I never have any clean laundry. I mean, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their life?

DH made it home (finally!) last Friday night. Technically Saturday morning at 12:30. I waited up for him. Well, actually I fell asleep on the couch in my cute little nightgown but I wasn't in bed sound asleep when he got home. Since Monday we've been waiting for the phone call saying he has to come back to work. Even though we'll probably be broke as hell and at each other's throats (that's based on previous experience) I still don't really want him to go back out again until after the holidays. I have a honey-do list for him that's approximately a mile long, mostly bar stuff, and if he leaves again we'll have to start all over getting him rested up and ready to go back to work for free. Well, I don't guess it's free, we do make money off the bar (a little!) but it's not the same as getting an hourly wage. I'm not sure he'd agree that cleaning out the storeroom and putting up more shelves will lead to an increase in beer sales.

Speaking of the bar, I had my first week of being the owner on duty last week. Holy smokes, I was busy!! Between doing the deposit every day, paying the bills, doing the shopping, and ordering stuff, I was busy for minimum of an hour every day! But at the end of the week I felt better about how things were going and I'm glad I'm feeling like getting my nose into what's really going on. Oh how I wish things would just go gangbusters and I could turn managing the bar into a full time job! I wouldn't even mind expanding into the lunch business but I don't want to step on any of my neighbors' toes. So I'll be patient.

I'm feeling pretty good the past 10 days or so. I've started (slowly) working on getting my house back in to fighting shape. It always gets out of control during the days after chemo and this time was no exception. Add to that my general clutter and BabyBoy's ability to mess it up faster than it can be cleaned up and it's quickly descending into SuperFund candidate once again. I'm looking forward to Christmas break when I can be an evil slave driver to my children every day, holding their Christmas presents hostage until they get the house tidy! Actually the worst room in the house is mine! I'm working on it slowly but surely. The problem is I have WAY too much stuff! Too many clothes, too many shoes, too many books, etc. I just need to bite the bullet and get rid of stuff. Easier said than done, because I have to go through it all first. I mean, what if I accidentally gave my Koffin Kats T-shirt to Goodwill? That would be terrible! I've made it my goal to work on my room at least a little each day. So far I've worked on it two days in a row. Well, kind of. I didn't get a whole lot done but I at least got started.

Today BeBe came over for coffee. It's not the usual day but she has school stuff tomorrow so we drank coffee, ate cinnamon rolls, gossiped and made a craft project today. I won't say what the project is yet because it's for the bar and no one has seen it except BeBe, DH and the kids. When I get it up to the bar I'll go public. Don't get too excited...I'm no Martha Stewart.

I talked to one of my nursing school girlfriends Sunday night and she and one of our other friends are coming up to visit me in late January! I'm so excited! When they get here it will have been two years since we've seen each other. They drove over from Lafayette for a day when I was in New Orleans for a meeting in 2009. I can't wait to show them the bar and take them out for sushi and just hang out and catch up.

My dog Buddy (the stray we picked up on our way home from Florida) is quite the little escape artist. I think I should have named him Houdini. Today BeBe and I watched him squeeze through a hole in the fence to get back in the yard. Yes, he escaped and then I guess got bored with the outside world so he came back. He nearly got stuck so I'm anxiously awaiting the day when he finally does. I hope I'm home so I can get him unstuck so he doesn't get hurt. I also hope I have my camera handy. Heck, maybe I'll even charge up the HandyCam so I can get a video of it and let NOS put it on YouTube.

Tank, my mastiff, on the other hand, won't even walk out of the gate if the Dish Network guy forgets to close it. I guess he's just extremely happy to be in our back yard. He likes to go out one last time before bed every night. I don't know if he has a small bladder like me or if he just wants to scan for strange men lurking in my back yard. Either way he will sit and stare at me until I let him go out. He will also go get in bed with BabyBoy if I don't let him sleep in the bedroom with me. I draw the line at letting him sprawl out in my bed though!

The past few months my sleep has just been royally screwed up. I know I have a good reason but it doesn't change the fact that it's screwed up. I've had nights where I've fallen asleep in the recliner with the lights and TV on and not woke up until the sun was coming up. Or nights where I've fallen asleep in the recliner and woke up at like 2 am and gone to bed and then not been able to sleep. It really sucks! I'm not sure if it's because DH is not home with me or it's the hot flashes or the steroids or just general worry. Whatever it is, I'm ready to get back to normal. I have no desire to get hooked on anything, so I'm loathe to take sleeping pills. I have some, and I use them occasionally, but I don't want it to become a habit.

Speaking of hot flashes, who the hell came up with that term? They are not "flashes!" If they were, I'd be able to handle them a lot better. No, they last way longer than the term "flash" implies. Its 15 or 20 minutes of wondering if this will be the time my head shoots off my body because I'm on fire! So far all the remedies that have been suggested to me have not really helped. Damn estrogen-receptor positive breast cancer! I could use a little Premarin to counteract menopause! It is a chemically-induced menopause but the symptoms seem to suck just as bad. Maybe even worse since it's all at once instead of gradual like natural menopause. Oh, well, I'd still prefer hot flashes over dying.

The dryer beeped at me and DH has been in bed for an hour, so I think I probably need to wrap this up and see if I can actually go to sleep. I really ought to do this daily but I'm not that good at planning.

Off topic...rant!!

If you read this and you think I'm talking about you, you're probably right.

Rant #1: Married people who mess around. Now, I don't think the two people I'm thinking about right now are actually messing around. I think they're probably just flirting, having some fun. Maybe they're bored, looking for a little thrill in their lives. And maybe if the conversation that was exchanged between them was verbal and not in text message, it probably wouldn't sound so bad. But the fact of the matter is...if you are married, or in a "committed" relationship, there are certain lines you probably shouldn't cross. For me and DH, determining exactly where those lines were was a long time coming. We have now known each other for 18 years and been married for over 16 years. There have been things I have done that he did not appreciate. There have been things he has done that I did not appreciate. We have both experienced serious pangs of jealousy over different things. He's not a fan of me dancing with other men...so I don't do that anymore. I'm not a fan of women who are not friends of both of us hugging him. Now we can't control what others do (he can't stop another woman from hugging him but he can release quickly and introduce the lovely lady to his lovely WIFE) but we certainly can control our own actions.

My line in the sand, and I think DH's too, is...don't do or say anything away from your spouse you wouldn't do or say in front of your spouse. This is not the easiest thing to do. But secrets that are meant to not hurt the other person only seem so much worse once they are found out. In a relationship you have to be able to trust one another. I know that when DH is away he's faithful. He knows I'm faithful too. I know that if he looks at my phone or my Facebook or e-mail he wouldn't find anything that would make him uncomfortable. Same for me, except he doesn't have a Facebook. That's probably smart on his part!

It seems to me that maybe something is missing in the lives of the people I'm talking about. I hope they can 1. find whatever it is they are looking for and 2. work out their problems in their relationships.

Rant #2: Putting everything "out there" on Facebook/MySpace/Twitter, etc. Why do people air their dirty laundry on the internet? I realize when you're pissed off you want to share your anger and show everyone exactly how much of an ass the person you're mad at is. I've done it too. And I regretted it. I hurt someone I really love because I talked about her on the internet. I hope the relationship wasn't damaged permanently...I'd like to think she cut me some slack because of what I've been going through the last few months.

Sometimes putting dirty laundry out there does damage that cannot be repaired. It's like when you talk to your best friend about what an ass your boyfriend is being and you break up with him and then get back together a couple weeks later. Your best friend is still going to harbor those negative feelings about your boyfriend. Now that's not to say that you shouldn't talk to someone about your feelings, but you probably should use a little restraint, especially if you're not ending the relationship permanently. Or talk to someone who's not so emotionally attached to you. If you tell your mom or sister about the shitty thing someone did to you, they are NEVER going to forget it. However, you can pay a counselor $100/hr or sit at the bar and tip the bartender well and get all those feelings out there without them biting you in the ass later.

Finally, I just have to say that I'm not taking any sides on what is going on. I don't know the entire situation and it's none of my business. I'm only commenting on what's been put out in a public forum. I hope that everyone involved can work through their problems and I still LOVE ALL OF YOU!

Wow, where to begin?

It's been so long since my last post I don't even know where to begin!! I believe I left off last time bitching because I wasn't feeling good. I've done lots of stuff since then but probably the most important is that I had my last chemo this past Monday. Yay! I'm glad I'm done. Of course I'm not out of the woods yet...I still have to take a daily pill for 5 years, a monthly IM shot for at least 6 months, reconstructive surgery and possibly either irradiation of my ovaries or surgical removal of my ovaries. So we're not quite done yet. But...I have to say, the worst part is probably over.

BFF went with me for chemo this week and we actually had a lot of fun. We met up with Kondee's Mom and Mando Man at their winter job, camel rides, donkey rides, and a petting zoo. And guess what? I got BFF up on a camel! And we have the pictures to prove it! Now I just have to get around to scanning them so I can put them on Facebook for all the world to see! Actually, BFF said she'd ridden a camel before when she was a kid. We also posed for a pic with the donkey for the donkey ride and we have big plans for a little Photo Shopping fun.

When I went into Dr. B's office for my boob fill, the nurse found that the port had moved on one of my boobs! So instead of poking the needle into the top, she had to poke it into the middle. The good thing was it didn't hurt, since the port was below where the feeling has come back. Unfortunately, the other one DID hurt, because the port is where it's supposed to be and the feeling is back! I'm glad the feeling is coming back, don't get me wrong, but ouch! Not much fun to have a needle poked in your boob and be able to feel it!

Chemo was pretty much the same as usual...start the IV, give me the pre-meds, give me the poison and get me out of there. BFF and I didn't cut up like Little T and I did, but we still managed to have a good time. We found an ad for a vintage clothing and antique store in a local shopping guide and we got out of there in plenty of time to actually go shopping.

Retro 101 in St. Louis was awesome!! When we got there, the power was out, so we were afraid we weren't gonna actually get to buy anything, but the power came back on in about 20 minutes or so. Thank goodness, because I found a bunch of stuff to buy! I got several new/old scarves to use as head wraps and some awesome platform boots! There was a lot more that I wanted to buy but since I'm not made of money...I had to leave it there.

To celebrate the end of chemo, we went to a nice Italian place in the Hill. OMG it was so good! Delicious bread, yummy salads, wonderful pasta and veal parmigiana, Chianti and cannoli and some kind of light ice cream for dessert. It was heavenly!

And then we got on the road. We made it maybe a mile and rain started falling. Another mile and traffic was stopped ahead of us. I thought maybe it was a wreck or something up ahead. No, it was a torrential downpour that you could not see through. It was like a wall of water. And my usual 3 hour drive turned into over 4! By the time I dropped BFF off and visited everyone at the bar for a few minutes it was after midnight before I got home. What a day!

Between the steroids with chemo, the stressful drive and a coke around 9 PM, sleep did not come easily. I think I finally fell asleep around 4 AM. Thank goodness NOS and Ms. Thang got themselves up and ready for school, because it was time for Ms. Thang to get on the bus before I even dragged out of bed. And I had a PTA meeting at 9! Needless to say I was late! Fortunately, one of the other girls took notes for me till I got there. Then I got lunch for BabyBoy, took him to school and ran a few errands. And then I hit a wall. I laid down to take a short nap and that was it! My alarm went off to pick BabyBoy up and I just couldn't do it. I called CPrez and she picked BabyBoy up and brought him home. I made it upstairs to open the door for him and back to bed I went! Poor NOS had to take care of dinner and get the little ones in bed. At least there was no school Wednesday.

I was supposed to go to my parents for Thanksgiving on Wednesday but I still was not feeling well. I pretty much laid around all day until around 9 PM when I made a quick Braums and Wal-mart run. I got the few odds and ends I needed to get through the weekend. Yesterday we made pork tenderloin, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, green beans, carrots, crescent rolls, and cherry pie for our Thanksgiving dinner. It sounds a lot more complicated than it actually was. The kids were very helpful. Ms. Thang and BabyBoy made placemats for the table and NOS helped me cook. But by the time we were done eating I was down for the count!

It would have been nice to spend Thanksgiving with either my family or DH's family or even with some of our friends, but I just was not feeling like getting out of the house and the weather was not cooperating with going anywhere. The kids and I shared things we are thankful for and I suppose at the top of the list is that my cancer was caught early and now I'm cancer free.

I have lots more to talk about but it's just gonna have to wait till another day!

crappy day

So Kondee's Mom said I'm too damn upbeat in my blog posts and people think I'm doing just fine. Well, today, I ain't so fine. I totally overdid it yesterday and I've paid for it today. Thursday is Girlfriends' Coffee today but I had such a hard time getting out of bed to straighten up and make coffee. BeBe was the only person who came over which was just fine because I don't think I could have handled a houseful today. And I was so cranky with BabyBoy this morning. I just didn't have the patience to listen to him whine that he can't find his shoes when he hadn't even looked for them yet. And just where the heck are all their socks?!? I've been doing laundry it doesn't seem like socks ever make it to the laundry room. CPrez picked BabyBoy up for school, BeBe left soon after and I attempted to take a nap. No luck though, I just could not relax! By the time I was starting to get a little sleepy, it was time to pick him up. I didn't even get dressed today. And I was afraid to take a late afternoon nap because I want to sleep tonight.

Fortunately, TPrez texted me earlier this week and asked me if I needed anything and I'd requested dinner tonight. So she whipped up some yummy beef stroganoff, green beans and dessert. And she brought me flowers too! It's so good to have friends to help out. I knew I'd be on the downhill slide by Thursday or Friday and sure enough I was right. She's a lifesaver!

My college best friend is supposed to come visit this weekend and specifically told me not to clean or do anything, she wants to come help me. I'm really looking forward to seeing her because it's been almost 10 years! So I hope she gets to come visit. I don't know if I'll let her clean my house, but I know she's not expecting Martha Stewart. She's known me way too long.

So I'm gonna spend the rest of the night laying low, watching TV, waiting for bedtime. And wake up tomorrow and have a better day.

random randomness on a Tuesday...warning...it gets political!

OK so my puppy Buddy seemed like he was finally gonna start being good. He's super friendly, great with the kids, and one of these days he's gonna be a good dog. But night before last he peed on the floor at night and then last night he pooped three SEPARATE piles in my living room, peed on the floor AGAIN, and tore up one of my friends' books. I wouldn't be quite so mad, but I put the dogs out right before I went to bed and I'd picked up everything on the floor. Well, everything that wasn't papers or belonged to the kids (is that wrong? I tell them to pick their stuff up ALL the time!) He knocked the book off the table and chewed it up. Destroyed it! And of course my friend, when I told her, just said not to worry about it. Hello, hasn't she read the name of my blog? So I'm pretty sure there's a gift card in her future!

Not much of a commercial watcher (thank you Dish Network DVR!) but I keep seeing commercials for a new daytime show on CBS called The Talk. Sharon Osborne, Holly Robinson-Peete, Leah Remimi, a couple of other women I can't remember. Hmmm, the concept sounds familiar...oh yeah, The View! Except I think maybe the Talk girls are nicer than the View girls. I used to watch The View when I was a stay-at-home mom with NumberOneSon back in the late 90s. Now I pick up periodic snip-its on The Soup or when someone tweets about some asinine thing Joy Behar says. I'm glad Elisabeth Hasselbeck is on there to be a conservative voice of reason. However, that doesn't mean I'm gonna watch The View. I may set the DVR to pick up an episode or two of The Talk just out of curiosity.

Today will be a quiet day at home I think. Poor BabyBoy is sick and it's rainy and cold so I don't think it's gonna be a family fun day. Sadness! I do have some Pillsbury cookie dough in the fridge...maybe we'll make some cookies later. Cookies and hot chocolate, family movie maybe...that could be a family fun day! May even bust out the Connect Four!

I have a short list of errands to run and I gotta vote today! Still trying to decide whether to vote Libertarian or Constitution party for Senate...I sure as hell ain't voting for Carnahan or Blunt! I am no longer choosing between the lesser of two evils. And if someone wants to say I'm throwing my vote away or taking votes away from the "conservative," well, they can think whatever they want. Bill Clinton is more conservative than Roy Blunt! OK not really, but I'm so sick of politicians wearing the "conservative" hat and then voting to expand entitlements, increase regulation, and raise taxes. How much money can they really throw at the unemployment problem? Obviously what they've been doing has not been working. Unemployment is still rising and the only reason "statistics" show it isn't is because some people have fallen off the rolls or taken part-time work or a huge cut in pay just to get back to work. Or like me, they were fired and their unemployment was contested by the employer (for breaking a policy that wasn't in existence until after I was fired) therefore I'm not on unemployment and hence not unemployed. Or my friends who are self employed in construction who don't have any projects lined up. Or my friends who've finished school but don't have a job yet. The federal government would have been better off giving all the bailout money to THE PEOPLE so they would spend it. Think of all the extra money you'd have if they paid $100,000 of your mortgage and you could refinance the rest and lower your mortgage payment. What would you do with that extra money? You could put part of it in a retirement account, eat out a couple more times a week, take a vacation, pay down your credit cards. The possibilities are endless. THAT would stimulate the economy much better than funding government pork projects. Instead, they gave banks money to pay off bad debt assuming the banks would then turn around and lend money. Nope, they've sat on the money. The banks are continuing to foreclose on houses rather than working with people to keep them in their homes. Home ownership is continuing to drop. And how did all this get started? Government regulation forcing banks to lend money to people who couldn't afford to pay it back. Home ownership is not for everyone. And when you walk into the bank and they look at your finances and tell you you can afford a lot more of a mortgage payment than you actually can, it will not take that many months before you are struggling. I know that from experience. When we bought our first house the lady at the bank told us we could afford a huge payment! We ended up buying a house that didn't have quite so high a payment, but it was still about 50% more than our rent was. And for the first few months we struggled until I graduated from nursing school and we added my second income. I can only imagine how bad it would have been if we'd listened to the bank lady. And don't even get me started on the "reinvestment" money the feds gave to states. On my way back from visiting DH in August, every rest area on I-55 in Mississippi was closed for remodeling. Every one of them had a sign singing the praises of the "reinvestment" act. Really? Remodeling rest areas? Who even uses rest areas anymore? DH travels a lot for work. He always stops at gas stations and restaurants. Why would I pay $2 for a can of Coke out of a machine and have to struggle to reach through the bars to keep people from breaking into it or stealing it when I can stop at a Love's Travel Center and buy a 32 oz Diet Dr Pepper in a cup with ice for a buck and pee in a bathroom that gets cleaned a couple of times a day instead of once a week? Mississippi continually competes with Arkansas and Louisiana for the number 48-50 spots on the best education systems in the US. Wouldn't that money be better spent on remodeling schools or hiring more teachers or paying teachers more?

I'm probably on my soapbox today because I started the day listening to Neal Boortz (streaming on the Internet since they play him on tape delay here in Podunk) and today is election day. So get out and vote...but only if you take the time to research the issues and candidates. If you're just voting because someone told you to or because you like the way someone looks or what they've promised to do (they usually don't keep their promises, by the way), don't bother.

chemo number 3

Well, today was a monumental occasion...chemo number three is officially OVER! So far so good but I am still hopped up on 'roids so check back with me this weekend to see how I'm doing. Kiddos are out of school (wonderful timing, Ozark!) so I made a rush trip up and back today. My friend Little T drove us and our friend Stoney went with us (wink, wink, nod, nod Rita Ballou!) OMG those two are a riot. We used to all work together (although I don't think all three of us have ever been at the bedside in the same unit at the same time, which is probably good for the hospital noise level). Little T's the only one who still does bedside nursing, Stoney has moved on to an ancillary procedure nurse type job and I had too until I was wrongly fired because of a lying you-know-what...but I digress! Anyhoo, I worked with Stoney and I worked with Little T and they see each other at work a lot and are neighbors...but I don't think I've ever hung out with both of them at the same time. It was like the Three Musketeers swashbuckling cancer. Or the Three Stooges poking cancer in the eyes. Woo woo woo. Or maybe the Three Blind Mice wandering around the 7th floor of Siteman Cancer Center...in any case, if you have to have cancer and get chemo, they are definitely a fun pair to bring with you.

Little T promptly showed up at my house at 5 and then we picked up Stoney in town and headed northeast. It was a relatively uneventful trip...couple of coffee stops, 3 losing dollar scratchers, bathroom break. We got there way early to check in for my lab draw so we had time for breakfast at St. Louis Bread Company before my boob fill appointment. By then we were on to our third cup of coffee each (Little T's 4th!) Yeah, we were starting to get a little silly. But the spinach/artichoke souffles were AWESOME!! Stoney said they could have been twice as big and I have to say I agree. Although when I had to weigh in at the doctor's office the scale would have to disagree! I've gained eight pounds in the past three weeks! I guess I need to lay off the Sonic cream slushes four afternoons a week...

Yep that's right I said I got another boob fill! I know I will do at least one more because they said I had to go at least one fill bigger than the final product so they droop a little and have a natural teardrop shape. That's probably good, because right now, they look anything BUT natural! They are sitting high and tight! I'm contemplating low cut shirts! They are also in the way and because they have to stretch the skin you can bounce a quarter off them. That will go down some in the next few weeks...for once I'm thankful for gravity. Little T went in with me to watch the boob fill...I tell you, nurses are just...weird. We are fascinated by the grossest things! Dr. B's nurse has the best nursing stories and she is so funny. She's been a nurse for over 30 years but she looks like she must have started when she was about 7. I realize she works for a plastic surgeon but she does not look like she's had work done...so he's either THAT good or she's just aged gracefully. I'm guessing it's a combination. Anyway somehow we got to talking about douchebag medical product/drug reps and bariatric patients...a non-nurse would have been alternately laughing and puking in the corner.

After the boob fill it was time for Dr. M, my oncologist. It was another fun visit, till we started talking about my labs. Seems my liver functions are higher than they were last time...not as high as they were the first time. My doctor was puzzling over why they would be elevated and started talking about doing a liver ultrasound and hepatitis panel...till Stoney spoke up and said, "Maybe it's all the beer you drank this weekend?" Ummm, yeah. He threw me under the bus! I mean, Little T and I were THINKING that, but we didn't say it!! Oh, well, it got me off the hook for the ultrasound, but I'm thinking I'm going to lay off until I'm done with chemo. And it wasn't THAT much beer, for those keeping score at home. Four on Saturday spread over 10 hours and three on Halloween. Doesn't chocolate increase your LFTs too? I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere...

This time I got checked in and back into chemo only 30 minutes late, so we actually got out of there around 3. With the late breakfast and all the caffeine, I was only hungry maybe the last hour, so a late lunch was just perfect. Today they were enforcing the only one visitor rule (I really think it depends on the nurse) so Stoney hung out in the waiting room and took a nap. Little T and I were in rare form creeping on Facebook pages and looking at friends of friends who didn't have their photo albums blocked...then one of my newest friends started IMing me. It was obvious English was not his first language, but Little T just could not understand what he was saying! I was cracking up at her cracking up at him. "What does he mean by that?" Geez! Hilarious! I enjoyed talking to him though...he was very nice...mutual friend of my lovely little sis-in-law.

I can't believe they didn't kick us out! Seriously I was completely expecting a nurse to come over and tell us to keep it down, there were sick people around. Or make me trade out Little T for the sleeping friend in the waiting room. Or to take my pump and finish my chemo in the parking lot! But they were so cool...I am impressed every time I go up there. Totally worth the drive and hotel expense (not worth it if I have to stay in the Barnes Lodge...shudder!!)

After chemo, we hit up Zio's in the Hill before we headed home. The food, in a word, was AMAZING. The only thing that would have made it better would have been some wine. My brain said yes but my liver said no...and I listened to my liver. And my supercool friends did not drink any either...although after spending the day with me and in a health-care facility on their day off they probably could have polished off a bottle apiece. I had this spectacular mostaccioli dish with veggies, chicken, prosciutto, and a white sauce, sprinkled with breadcrumbs and baked. Unbelievable! I could only eat half! And I was so looking forward to my leftovers tomorrow but...I forgot them in Little T's car! Can you believe that? I blame the chemo for screwing up my brain! Oh, well, maybe I'll have to make a trip to SpringVegas tomorrow and raid Little T's fridge!

Driving home was a little tricky since we had the combination of carb coma plus afternoon traffic, but after ANOTHER cup of coffee (for me and Little T, once she handed off the keys to Stoney...that makes sense, huh?) we made it uneventfully. I bet we saw 10 cops between the outskirts of St. Louis and the turn off to 65. Fortunately Stoney doesn't have a lead foot and they all pretty much had other people pulled over anyway.

My friend Crazy Irish Niece brought over dinner for my chillens tonight. We had some left over so I'll get to try it tomorrow. It looks and smells good. Sadly, I came home to BabyBoy having a fever. I hope he feels better tomorrow because a) I want all of us to do something fun and 2) I don't want to catch whatever he has. So I gave him some medicine, read him a story and put him to bed. Poor baby.

The kids have a four day weekend and NumberOneSon did great with the little ones as usual. And they didn't trash the house...I'm very, very proud of me. I have such good kids...good friends...good family...good health care providers...I'm the most fortunate cancer patient in the world.

And now, in spite of the caffeine, chocolate and Decadron, I'm actually sleepy so I'm gonna hit my fluffy bed! Nighty night!

short blog

Busy weekend coming up...so I'm procrastinating, of course. BabyBoy's watching SpongeBob and I've been Tweeting and Facebooking all morning. I need to make a list for the store so maybe I can only make one trip to Wal-mart instead of three. I actually need to get out of my La-Z-boy and take a shower first! But my blankie is so warm and the coffee is so good...

OK fine, I'm going, I'm going! Have a good weekend!

finally! a new post!

I've been threatening to blog for the past few days but I just haven't gotten around to it. You could call it laziness, you could call it not having anything to say, you could call it, oh hell, call it whatever you want. I'm finally getting around to it!

Even DH pointed out that I haven't blogged in a long time. So what to say...hmmm...due to liability issues I'll have to save one story for awhile...so I'll talk about what I've done the past week or so.

Last Thursday afternoon BeBe came over to use my computer because she was having computer problems and had to get her homework e-mailed or uploaded or whatever. While she was here a salesman for the Kirby vacuum cleaner company showed up at my door. Now I've heard their spiel before and 9 times out of 10 I will turn away some guy selling something because I know I'm not going to buy it. The last time I bought something from a door-to-door salesman I got screwed (not literally, pervs!) so I'm not much on buying unless it's being sold by a cute little kid (special needs is even better!) I saw how much dirt it sucked out of my carpet last time and I knew it was out of my price range but what the heck? So Anthony comes in and proceeds to vacuum my floor. For an hour. He kept checking the little dirt thing to see if it was clean and he pulled oh, I dunno, a ton of dirt out of my carpet. You know, their vacuum is also a carpet shampooer so they like to vacuum a part of your floor clean and then shampoo it to show you how awesome their machine is.

So BeBe and I watched Anthony vacuum. She finished her stuff and came and sat on the arm of my chair and we just watched him do housework. It. Was. Awesome. I even moved the other chair and Buddy's crate out of the way so he could vacuum there too. And I let him vacuum my couch and my ceiling fan and blow the dust out of my TV speakers. Poor guy, he was sweating by the time he was done. And then, terrible person that I am, I proceed to not buy his machine. But I did enjoy watching a dude do some housework. Since DH has been working out of town, it's not a sight I get to see much anymore. And I miss it. Very entertaining.

Unfortunately, my entertainment came back to bite me in the ass that night. He stirred up so much dust in my living room that my allergies started acting up and since I have a crappy immune system right now, after hacking all night and barely sleeping, I had a full blown sinus infection the next day. So instead of doing fun stuff over the weekend, I laid around and took antibiotics and antihistamines and tried to get over my crap. And by Monday I was better. I believe the moral of the story is that no good comes from cleaning.

This week it has finally decided to get cold. The first couple of days I was happy with the cooler weather but today just sucked! Ms. Thang had her field trip to the pumpkin patch and poor BabyBoy and I froze our arses off! Thank goodness BeBe was smart and thoughtful enough to bring enough gloves for all of us! Ms. Thang borrowed my fuzzy hat and I couldn't find another one so I just had to make do with my wig and a hoodie. My ears were freezing so I put my hood up and...in a little while my ears were freezing again! I reached up and felt my head and my hood wasn't on anymore, but I couldn't tell because of my wig. So I had to tie my hood like I was 3. Very attractive I'm sure.

Meanwhile my phone is blowing up because two of my guy friends are arguing in the comments of my last Facebook status and I've subscribed to mobile updates on comments on my status. At least the argument was funny...they were both trying to get me to make bacon for them. No that's not some slang...they wanted actual bacon. You see, Hobo was going to come to Girlfriends' Coffee yesterday morning but he was a no-show. He'd said the night before he would come if I made bacon. I just so happened to have a pound of bacon in my fridge that I've been meaning to cook so I told him I'd cook it if he came over. Now I always cook bacon in the oven and it only takes about 20 minutes or so, so I had already figured he'd be a no-show and I wasn't going to start it till he either showed up or at least texted that he was on the way. Yeah, I never heard from him.

So, being the smart ass that I am, I called him out on Facebook. And because I'm too lazy to text two different updates to both Facebook and Twitter, I just sent the same one to both with a trending topic at the end...#noshows. Now trending topics are just a Twitter thing, but when people saw #noshows on Facebook, I got a few comments. An apology from John's Girl for not coming, but she'd called me the night before and had a LEGITIMATE excuse, her kid had a Halloween party. Not, my dog ate my directions, which was Hobo's excuse. Bubba missed it initially because I didn't post till after 2 pm and he was already at work, but he jumped on Hobo's case this morning, specifically with asking me why Hobo was coming to Girlfriends' Coffee when I'd told him before no men allowed. Which he followed up with...oh, nevermind, it is Hobo...classic. The two proceed to insult each other and argue adding about 25 more comments to my status, all of which came to my phone! I was contemplating turning off the mobile updates but I couldn't remember if I could do it from my phone. I honestly can't remember how I set them up to begin with. Oh well, laughing warmed me up so it wasn't all bad.

The field trip was really good. We were the only school group there, and since O-town has its very own pumpkin patch now, we didn't have to travel far and fight with 17 other school groups from Springfield. The staff was very friendly and they had a corn maze, a train, a hay maze, a hay ride, a petting zoo, and pumpkin painting. And they only charged $5 per kid! I think when we went to Jones Farm when NumberOneSon was in first grade it was $7 (and that was a long time ago!) and it was so crowded the kids didn't really have a lot of fun. It was mostly waiting...waiting for the hayride, waiting for the train, waiting, waiting, waiting. And if you know me, I hate to wait! So today was just perfect, except for the wind and the seemingly subarctic temperatures. I know I'm just not used to it yet and a day like today will be a welcome reprieve in January, but right now, even menopausal, I was cold.

This week also brought parent-teacher conferences. Once again, I got to go to school to find out how gifted, perfect, intelligent, witty, and angelic my children are. Oh, no, I'm not being sarcastic, not at all! Actually, I got a good report from all my kids teachers, even NOS. His teachers' only complaints were that he doesn't turn in papers and homework sometimes. I already knew that because I'd seen his grades. But they did compliment him which was a welcome change from last year. I can tell his teachers genuinely like NOS and think he's a good kid. They're 100% right. Now if I could just get him organized. Sadly, he has disorganized ME as an example! But he improves yearly, so I figure one of these days he'll get it all together. And if he doesn't, well, maybe he'll marry a girl who's organized!

Next chemo is Monday. It's the third one so I'm almost 75% done! I'm looking forward to ringing that bell come November 22. I'd love it if DH was home to go with me but the rate they're going they'll be in sunny south Florida till New Years. Hmmm, that's not a bad idea. BFF is supposed to go with me for my last chemo but I haven't heard yet if they approved her day off. Not holding my breath, her company seems to be very arbitrary at times when it comes to their schedule.

Let's see, anything else going on? I have a busy weekend coming up and then I'm just going up and back to St. Louis Monday for my chemo since the kids are out of school. Oh yeah, election day is next Tuesday. We got "hope and change" two years ago and we can all see where that got us. So, vote your conscience and don't just pick the lesser of two evils. There are independents and multiple third parties and in Missouri, at least, there are both Constitution and Libertarian candidates running for many offices. OK I'm getting off my soapbox now.

Drama drama drama and hair hair hair

Well, just like clockwork, I woke up this morning (I guess since I'm blogging at 1:30 AM technically it was yesterday morning) and felt 100% better. Yippee! I'm officially halfway through chemo! I had a busy day today...PTA in the morning, lunch with my BabyBoy before I took him to school, a massage, a quick trip to Sam's Club (which was fruitless! But I will get what I'm looking for!), a visit with a friend who had surgery last week, and NumberOneSon's last football game. It was a good day, even though it was busy.

Today was punctuated with drama, though. I'm not going to go into any details whatsoever because the details don't really matter. On the one hand, when I started to get sucked in, my human nature made me ask questions and want to hear the scoop. But listening to the scoop only encourages the drama! I've come to the conclusion that there are certain people who enjoy drama. I realize it, I try not to hold it against them, and I still love them. But...I have to not become involved! Which is hard for me because I'm freakin nosy! And even if I think one person is justified in being upset about a situation, the fact of the matter is, if it doesn't involve me, I need to stay out of it. So...I'm staying out of it! I am determined to stay friends with all parties involved and if they ask, inform them that it's between them and has nothing to do with me or my relationship with either of them. Very mature of me huh? Ugh...I really want the scoop! No I don't! Yes I do! No, I don't! AGGGHHH!

OK enough about drama...let's move on to hair!

My stubble on my head has been driving me insane! It's been falling out, albeit slowly, and it itches and it feels funny. So tonight while I was in the shower I lathered up and went Kojak! It's a good thing I have a mirror in the shower (thank you Bed Bath & Beyond clearance rack!) because I missed a few places and had to go back over it. And then I realized...I had no idea what to do after I shaved my head! Do I moisturize or slap on some Aqua Velva? I don't have any Aqua Velva! And is facial moisturizer appropriate for your hairless scalp? So I texted my friend Yul Brenner (at 10:30 PM no less!) and asked him. He told me to rinse with cold water immediately and use moisturizer. It's so good to have friends to get you out of a bind.

Speaking of friends, I have to give a shout-out to my girl EPrez. She sent me a lovely text message Monday afternoon and offered to come over and clean my house! Wow...that, my friends, is love in action! She even cleaned out my fridge and made my kiddos dinner. Her help was a Godsend. I just can't believe how blessed I am to have friends who are so supportive. I don't know what I've ever done to deserve them, but I am so thankful. It will take the rest of my life to pay forward the kindness I've received over the past several months.

So today, I declare my house, my business and a perimeter of 100 feet around me as a hair-free (natural, anyway), drama-free zone. Who's with me?

Alrighty, off to bed. Morning's gonna come early, as my momma used to always say.

Weekend

Just in case anyone reading this has not figured it out yet, I hate being sick. This past weekend has not been easy at all. NumberOneSon spent the night with a friend Friday night so I just hung out with the little ones and went to bed early. Saturday morning we braved Dollar Tree and Wal-mart to finish out our Halloween costumes and decorations. However, by the time we were out of there, I was about ready to collapse! The little ones went to play with their friends and I took a nap.

BeBe and I took our little ones to the Forest of Fears (I accidentally typed Forest of Gears at first, which made me think of what a popular place that would be for most of the guys I know!) and we went ahead and dressed up too. We got some funny looks at McDonald's before hand in our costumes since it's only the middle of October, but oh well, you only live once, right? You'd think they'd never seen a goth fairy or Western Barbie! At least our kids were the best behaved in there! If only we'd have had a video camera to prove it to our husbands!

I think Miss Thang was a little scared but the boys had a blast. NOS was too cool to go to the little kid version of Forest of Fears, so I took him back later for the grown-up version. It was pretty creepy but not terrifying, so I think NOS had a good time. I had to take another nap before I took him though! BeBe took my little kids home with her. She said they were good and were in bed with the TV off ASLEEP by 930. Can you believe that? I have trouble with that on a school night!

BeBe got up and fed them and me breakfast when I went to pick the kids up. She's so awesome! After we got home I took yet another nap (do you see a pattern here?) and then NOS ate dinner. I was hoping we'd get the Halloween decorations up but I just didn't feel like it. Maybe this evening? I don't know, maybe we should wait till the rain is over. Oh yeah, and I have a School District Master Planning Committee meeting tonight. So maybe later this week.

Fortunately, my busy week is next week, so hopefully I can just lay low for a few more days as much as I need to to be able to get the things done that I need to get done. Sadly my house is a huge mess and I don't have much energy to clean it up but I guess it can wait a few more days. I haven't had to cook any for the past week but dishes pile up anyway, you know. I seriously need to bite the bullet and find a maid for awhile.

OK I'm off to rest for a little while before I take a shower and get BabyBoy to school.

Friends

It's Saturday morning, and I am waxing philosophic while my kids watch old Scooby Doo on Boomerang. I can't take too long though because I need to get to the bank before noon. But last night, while feeling sorry for myself on the phone with DH, I got to thinking about friends, old and new, good and bad, unlikely and obvious. And I started remembering friends from my past, most of whom I've lost touch with over the years. Some of those people I've reconnected with on Facebook (and MySpace when I was on there) but many are just lost forever. And with only a handful of them I've kept in continuous contact.

What got me thinking about friends to begin with is that I feel like I've been let down by one of my friends. I feel silly whining about one friend when so many others have stepped up and gone above and beyond the call of duty. I think the support that we've received from others is something of a testament that if you put out good, good will come back to you. DH and I are not perfect by any means, but we have always tried to do right by people and have always been generous with our time and assistance and our money when we had any. Because of this, we've gotten screwed occasionally over the years, especially DH, but it's hard to change your underlying personality. He's the guy who road a Sportster from northwest Arkansas to the west Texas desert to go to work because he needed to support his family and that was his only reliable vehicle. He's the guy who was on his way home from working in Texas and stopped to help a very old man change a flat tire while the two young capable women with him looked on. He's the guy who put off working on his own bike so he can help a friend get his running, who put sweat equity into someone else's business only to get screwed out of money owed to him for work done months, and now years, before. So a person who puts out good like that has it come back to him right? With what we've faced over the past several months, we have been picked up and dusted off and righted by our friends, and every day I'm thankful for what we have.

But I'm human, so I still want what I can't have. So last night when I was crying on the phone about how I feel abandoned by a certain friend, DH was blunt with me. "That's how she always is...she's selfish. If it's not about her or what she wants to do, she's not interested." Ouch! That's quite a statement. I initially got mad at DH...how can you say that about my friend? But I thought on it for awhile, and he's 100% right, as usual (one of his most annoying qualities). So now here's the dilemma...what do I do with my newfound information? Part of me just wants to call her up and chew her ass out...you're supposed to be my friend, and you've basically disappeared since all this started! Part of me wants to just forget that we were ever friends to begin with. But what am I going to do? Well, I guess I'm going to be a friend to HER. For whatever reason, she can't give me what I need from her right now, but that's OK because plenty of others have stepped in and supported me and my family in this trying time. So without expecting anything from her, I'm going to support her as best I can. And when I can't do it, when I need support myself, I won't expect it from her. If I happen to get it from her I will consider it a pleasant surprise.

I think my friend insecurity started many years ago when I was a little girl growing up in Arkansas. I don't know if it was because I was shy or a pushover, but I always worried about whether people liked me. I'd be playing with a couple of the neighbor girls and invariably they'd start teaming up against me and since I was the youngest, I'd usually go home crying. And of course there was always that one girl who liked to stir up trouble...sometimes I wonder what ever happened to her. I know she moved away a couple of years after we did. Maybe she ended up on one of those reality shows on VH1.

When you are an insecure person, anything that makes you stand out from the crowd, whether in a good or bad way, is extremely stressful. It's much easier just to blend in. And so I did my best to blend in for many years and I don't think I really came into my true self until I was an adult. I was self conscious and afraid of what others thought of me. I wanted to be popular and have all the boys lining up to date me. I was often afraid to speak my mind because if I didn't agree with what everyone else thought I thought I'd lose friends.

I was 16 the first time I realized that what I had to say might be important and someone might listen. I was at an academic summer camp ("nerd camp" I'm pretty sure NumberOneSon would call it) and we'd talk about different things in class and outside of class and people would listen to each other. I'd open my mouth to say something and they were being quiet and thinking about what I said. They cared about my opinion. Not my opinion about Guess vs. Levis jeans or Tom Cruise vs. Brad Pitt, but what I thought about a book we were reading. Or the ongoing conflict in the Middle East. Or abortion. (Let me tell you, it gives you a whole new view of "choice" when you realize you weren't wanted and could have easily and legally been aborted instead of born and adopted). I know when I came back to school in the fall I was a little different, a little more confident in myself. The following summer I did it again, this time for six weeks at Governor's School. And I became a little more confident during my senior year. By the time I went off to college I was not 100% secure (heck, I'm 36 and I'm still not 100% secure!) but I did come to realize that my opinions were just as valuable as anyone else's. It also helped that I was able to meet other boys at these camps, boys who didn't see me as that really smart girl or that girl with the fake front tooth. I think that made it much easier to not be dating much at my school, since I could date elsewhere. Besides, when you date people from other schools people don't know as much of your business!!

So what do insecurity and friendship have to do with each other? I think insecurity leads you to seek out the easy friendship, the one with the person who looks the most like you, who acts the most like you. Or the convenient friendship, the one with your co-worker or your neighbor. The problem with these friendships is they may be superficial and when the going gets tough, they disappear! How many friends have I lost touch with over the years because it was no longer convenient to be friends? We don't live in the same town anymore, I don't go out partying anymore, she doesn't have kids, we don't work together now, etc. I feel bad because I felt like I was good friends with some of these people, and now I don't even know where they live. I realize we all get busy and it is impossible to keep up many close relationships so I have had to learn to let go and realize our friendship was only for a season. I used to get mad...why doesn't she call me? Why doesn't she care about my 30 minute brag session on how high NOS can climb on the school monkey bars? Now I know that we needed each other at that time, to get through high school or college, to weather those first few years as a wife and mother, to pass the time at a job.

As I've gotten older and more secure in myself, I've tried to seek out friendships with a variety of people. Over the years I've become friendly with people of all ages and viewpoints and I've learned a lot from them. I think my friends have helped me to grow into the person I am today and I am thankful for the opportunity to know them. I feel sad that some of the friendships that I thought were real with former co-workers turned out to be friendships of convenience but I am learning to accept things as they are and be thankful for the friends I do have.

And that brings me back around to Facebook. I have heard from so many people that I don't see or talk to regularly anymore for a variety of reasons. I cannot believe the overwhelming support I've received since I went public with my breast cancer journey. There are people who I thought would be Johnny on the spot who've been absent, and people who I thought were only distant memories and faded yearbook photos who've been right there with me. Sharing all this has been healing and helpful for me. I'm not doing it to help anyone but myself, but if it does help someone else than that's good, right?

Alrighty, it's time to get dressed and get to the bank!

Post chemo #2

Well, Pinup Barber and I got up at crack-30 and drove to St. Louis Monday morning for my second chemo. She wanted me to point out that I was the one running late, not her! Touche! I actually planned the trip so that we had plenty of extra time in case one of us was running late or we had car trouble or something. If you know either of us you'd expect BOTH of us to be running late! So the fact that I was able to send DH a text message at 5:45 telling him we were about to get on I-44 after gassing up at Kearney was really miraculous. We were running only 30 minutes or so behind.

We got there pretty uneventfully, got checked in, I had my labs drawn, waited for the doctor, waited to start my chemo...pretty typical visit, I would assume. This time I had my Emend before my chemo instead of the day after and I think it made a difference, maybe not during the chemo but in the days after. I suppose it always helps to be able to take your meds as you are supposed to. So props to BFF for getting me hooked up!!

I think this time was easier just because I'd done it before, so I kind of knew what to expect. My labs looked good and my liver functions are still going back down to the normal range. Amazingly, my hemoglobin is really good. Strange for someone who's normal anemic, especially since I haven't been taking any extra iron since I started chemo. Unfortunately they were super busy so once again my chemo started late and therefore we finished late! But they stuck me in the corner chair so I didn't have to talk to anyone except the nurse and Pinup Barber.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not asocial by any means, but after that annoying bitch we were stuck beside for HOURS last time (the wife, not the patient) I really didn't even want to make eye contact with anyone, much less small talk. I swear, that chick dogged every single person she'd ever encountered at both hospitals in Springfield with the exception of one person she bragged on. I've worked at both hospitals and I know there are both good and bad doctors and nurses but I would say 99% of them are doing the best they can 99% of the time. Monday morning armchair quarterbacking is much easier than being in the situation where someone is declining and you have to take care of it. I know as a nurse I had more than one occasion where I was having to put pressure on a physician to either give appropriate orders or to come see a patient himself. And there were times I did something without an order first and told the physician later or refused to do an inappropriate order. It's a stressful position to be in, one that I'm not missing at all right now. And let me tell you, as bitter as I'm feeling toward one hospital in Springfield now and as disenchanted as I felt with the other one when I quit, I still did not appreciate hearing such bad things. And I certainly don't want anyone to think the reason I went to Siteman and Barnes is because I think the hospitals in Springfield are inferior. I've probably said this before, but if I was 20 or 30 years older dealing with breast cancer, I'd have probably sought treatment locally. But I didn't want to be my surgeon and oncologist's only "young" patient. Plus I'm super vain and I want my post boob job to be the best and the plastic surgeons in St. Louis are doing some techniques that they're not doing yet in Southwest Missouri. And since I'm in the strangely fortunate position to be able to choose, I chose the best I could.

Wow, that was a big digression from chemo number two. OK back to the story, let's see, where were we? Oh, yeah, we were smart this time and went and got food. I had a Panera gift card and there so happens to be one (well, technically St. Louis Bread Company since we were in St. Louis but if you Google St. Louis Bread Company it directs you to Panera) across from Siteman so we went online and looked at the menu and got the number and ordered our food and Pinup Barber went and picked it up. And we had WAY too much food!! I've really only eaten catered in box lunches and bagels from Panera, (except for the time DH and I went there for breakfast and had those amazing quiches) so I had no idea how big the entrees were. I had a huge salad and she had a huge sandwich and we both had huge bowls of soup. We could have split either the sandwich or the salad and had a bowl of soup with it and still had leftovers! Oh well, it turned out OK because we were there for so long we got hungry again and ended up eating everything except half a sandwich.

I'd been talking to Kondee's Mom off and on and we were trying to figure out how we were going to get together. She only lives two hours away but she'd gotten back from working all weekend at 10 PM the night before and wasn't really wanting to drive back to St. Louis. Can't say that I blame her. So we decided to meet up for dinner in Ste. Genevieve, this very cute river town about halfway between her and us. So as we're making our plans and I'm looking at the time and I'm thinking we'll have time to get down there before it gets dark and we can poke around in some shops and stuff...um, no! Instead, after my chemo was over they sent me to a class about chemo! WTF! I've had two treatments already! I should have had this class last time. Halfway through, what's the point? So I got to listen to a nurse drone on for 45 minutes about stuff I either already knew or I didn't really care about. And I didn't get to do any shopping in Ste. Genevieve! By the time we got out of Siteman and I found the hotel (for some reason I assumed the Hampton Inn at Forest Park would be on Forest Park Blvd) and we got checked in and ready to head back out, it was almost dark. So no poking in shops in a little river town that rolls up the sidewalks at dusk!

We ate at this cute place called Anvil. It was old and had lots of character. Yummy fried food, prices weren't bad, and I managed to be good and only drink iced tea even though they had Stella Artois on tap. All three of us ate just sinful food (well, I think maybe Kondee's Mom had a salad with her french dip!). Pinup Barber and Kondee's Mom hit it off...I wasn't worried cuz they're both friends with me and BFF. The place was full when we got there but before you knew it we were the only ones left and they were cleaning the floors! That's what happens when you get a group of chatty Cathys like us going! And once we got outside, it was such a nice night that I think we probably talked outside for another half hour or so! It was late when we got back to the hotel but we had such a nice time that it was well worth it.

Thanks to good old steroids, though, I had trouble sleeping in my fluffy bed! I tossed and turned for about half an hour and kept thinking, boy I sure wish I'd brought something to help me sleep. Um, chemo brain must have been kicking in...I'd gotten my Ativan refilled that day and had it in my bag! Duh! So I got up to get it and was only going to take a half but I couldn't break it and then I dropped it in the sink and it started dissolving...so I took a whole one. And slept just fine and got up with no problem. I'm thinking maybe I'm developing a tolerance...

Tuesday morning we got up and ate yummy breakfast and headed over to see my plastic surgeon. We talked about the time frame for my reconstructive surgery and how to determine which surgery I'll have. If I want to have a DIEP flap I need to have a CTA of my abdomen to make sure my vessels are growing in the right direction and will be long enough to move from my abdomen to my chest. Since the CTA involves contrast, I'll have to check with my oncologist to make sure I can have that test during chemo. I'm not in a huge hurry anyway and my surgery won't be till sometime next year so I guess there's no rush.

When I was waiting for my oncologist appointment Monday, PB and I were talking to a couple of ladies in the waiting room and they were telling us I could get a free wig downstairs at the Barnard Health and Cancer Information Center. They were already closed by the time we got done with chemo and class Monday, but we had plenty of time Tuesday. The lady who greeted us was very nice and she led us into a room full of wigs and hats and we just went to town. She grabbed a turban and was trying to show me how to tie it but all I could think of was those Ms. Cleo commercials on TV and PB and I just could not stop laughing! Needless to say, I did not get a turban. I got a cute little fuzzy knit hat though. And the most beautiful wig. Seriously, I tried this thing on and I felt like a movie star. I had to fill out an application to prove financial need to get it. It's way better than my real hair. Maybe I'll just shave my head and wear my wig forever!

Once I walked out of there feeling FABULOUS, we went shopping! No we didn't hit the boutiques or the Galleria, or even JCPenney or Macy's, or Target for that matter. We hit GOODWILL! The day before, when I was wandering down Forest Park Blvd looking for the hotel, we saw the biggest Goodwill we'd ever seen. I didn't realize Pinup Barber was also a thrift shopper like me! Yay! We were in there for hours! She was afraid all the stuff she'd gotten wouldn't fit in my trunk but it did. We just had to move some stuff to the back seat and get a little creative. Next time we're borrowing a truck or taking a U-haul or something. We could have bought a ton more stuff if we could have only gotten it home! My weight has been going up and down so much that my jeans are either too big or too small, so I picked up a couple of pairs that fit that day! I wore one of them yesterday and they fit yesterday too, who knows about tomorrow. It's better than sweats every day though.

Wednesday and Thursday were pretty busy days for me this week, and I took advantage of my steroid high to get some stuff done. Unfortunately, I didn't really get my house in order too much. I did get the fridge cleaned out and enough groceries to get by and people are bringing me some food so if this weekend is as shitty as the one after my chemo last time was, I ought to be in a little better shape.

OK well it's time to get BabyBoy fed and ready for CPrez to pick him up for school. I have big plans for a bath and a self mani-pedi this afternoon and maybe a nap!

Hair

Good grief I can't believe it's been over a week since I blogged! It's probably because I've been busy since I've mostly been feeling better. Like a LOT better. I was planning on wig shopping with Pinup Barber today but we are just too disorganized to get together. I have a wig though so I'll just be a blonde till I get around to getting something that fits my style a little better. It ought to be good for PTA and school board meetings and maybe to get a loan at the bank or something though.

DH made it home at the end of week before last and took off again yesterday evening. It had been almost a month and a week just wasn't enough! He's gotten to miss out on all the fun of me being sick after my chemo. Well, he's gotten to hear about it plenty but not had the pleasure of seeing it in person. So of course the day he gets home is the day I plan fun stuff at night for the kids. We did pass him on our way out of the neighborhood and talk to him for a minute though. The little kiddos went to Family Art Night at the Downtown Y and NumberOneSon and I hit Art Walk.

Art Walk for me is kind of weird because well, I'm just not a big art person. I think I appreciate more the fact that people are being creative and making art than the art itself. NOS is the same way, so neither of us was really interested in trekking through galleries in line with the other drones, ooohhhing and aaahhhing over a Mona Lisa face on a tree trunk body with a strawberry for the sun. OK we didn't actually see anything like that but you get my point...most of it's just kind of...bizarre. Like they're trying too hard to be different. There was an exhibit I had heard about that I was interested in, but I didn't know which gallery and I didn't have time to look online to find it. Oh, well, we walked around, ate dinner, bought some jewelry and dog biscuits, and threw money in a couple guys' guitar case for their singing. We also wandered into a record store and browsed old LPs. I debated buying one for DH for his birthday but we don't have a turntable. If I got an LP I'd wanna listen to it! In addition to the music, posters and T-shirts they were also a head shop. Thank God NOS didn't ask me what all those bongs and pipes were for! I'm not even sure he noticed them, he was drooling over an AC/DC album.

The kids all seemed to have fun. Miss Thang and BabyBoy brought home some cute little art projects and they both climbed the rock wall almost to the top. After stopping for Andy's on the way home, they all crashed and DH and I were finally able to catch up a little. He'd never seen my short hair. And the next morning he didn't get to see much more of it because there was quite a bit on my pillow so I swung by Pinup Barber's after my massage and she gave me a super short haircut while one of the other girls styled my wig. On my friend Car Dude's head. Yeah, we got pictures and put them on Facebook! I ended up with a very cute pixie cut, short enough that I figure I'd better wear earrings and girlie clothing or some people might think I play for the other team!!

Sadly, my pixie cut did not last long. After our rush trip to St. Louis to see Trampled by Turtles (more about that later) and 6 hours sleeping in a full size Super 8 bed with DH (let's just say it wasn't my first time hanging on the edge with him), my hair decided to fall out in full force. I took a quick shower Monday night and it looked like I'd shaved a standard poodle in my shower! OMG I thought I was prepared but I just bawled like a little baby! I even spent about 10 minutes whining to DH about how I was so ready for this to be over. Geez, I'm ashamed. Four chemo treatments and I only felt shitty for a few days after the first one and I'm being a baby. I know of people who've had to do six or eight months or a year of chemo. Three drugs instead of two. Plus radiation. At the same time. I've seen people in the hospital with GI upset so bad they lose half their body weight and mucositis so bad they can't even drink water. And I'm crying over a little lost hair. DH was smart though...he just let me get it out and then I pulled myself together and we went to Purple Burrito. Let me tell you...if you're sad, you won't be after you eat there. It's physically impossible not to smile while eating a chile relleno or a fish taco from there.

Tuesday morning I carefully wrapped a bandanna around my head to contain all the hair...it was making a huge mess...and headed over to see Pinup Barber AGAIN to get my head shaved. Fortunately I'd done all my crying about it the night before and I was able to be cheerful about it. And you know what...I don't look that bad bald! Princess asked me last night how I can manage to pull off ANY hairstyle. I honestly don't know the answer to that one. Pinup Barber said my wig made me look like a politician's wife, so I christened her the "Tipper."

The bad thing about wearing a wig is it's hot. I think the longest I've managed to wear it is maybe 6 hours and I was ready to take it off and throw it about hour 3. I'm going to do some wig shopping this week in St. Louis and see if I can find one with air conditioning or something. Menopausal women do not need something that makes them even warmer! I have a feeling that no matter how awesome the wig, I'm going to be rocking out the baseball caps, scarves and bandannas most of the time.

off topic...TV review

Yeah, yeah, I know, I just blogged a few hours ago, but I have more to say and my day of dozing has led to a night of insomnia. Let's just hope a few minutes of unloading my random musings will help me go to sleep. Well, that and a sleeping pill.

Since I've been a reluctant hermit, I've been watching a lot of TV. A LOT OF TV. At least, a lot for me. Apparently DH grew up with the TV on all the time, so if he's here, the TV's on. I, on the other hand, lived in a home where the TV was only on if you were watching it and the only time you watched during the day was if you were sick. Besides, DH had cable and I didn't, so it's not like there was anything on to watch anyway. Kind of funny, though, my grandmother who babysat me when I was little always had the TV on, it seemed. Today, The Price is Right, the noon news, various soap operas, and The Andy Griffith Show are burned in my memories of being at her house.

When DH is here, we usually watch stuff he wants to watch, or that we both want to watch. I don't subject him to Teen Mom and he doesn't subject me to UFC (re-runs and that stupid Ultimate Fighter...I like the PPV fights and the 5 minutes during the Ultimate Fighter where they actually FIGHT). I DVR Dateline and 48 Hours on ID and watch those pretty regularly. I'm not sure why I enjoy them so much but I do enjoy true crime stories and seeing how they actually solve cases. Sometimes I see cases on there that I wonder if the person convicted really did it. Anyway, I find it fascinating, kind of like how I felt about CSI before the new wore off. And before they started CSI: Miami with that bag of douche David Caruso. I had to Google just now to get his name (must be the chemo). I swear, if I have to see that guy take off or put on his sunglasses one more time while pausing dramatically mid-pun, I might go postal.

But crime shows are not all I've been watching...I've also been checking out some of the new TV shows. Now I don't mean just the brand new ones, but new episodes of old shows too. I pretty much DVR everything because I hate commercials that much, so I'm talking about stuff that may be a week or two old. And I still have some new stuff that I haven't watched yet. Blah, blah, whatever, here's my opinions, in no particular order.

The Office: I've never seen the British version but just like most things we steal from them, theirs is probably funnier. Last season of The Office was pretty blah and when Pam and Jim got married the show jumped the shark (if you don't know what that means Google it). But last week...damn near unwatchable. I haven't deleted it from my DVR timers yet, and I'm still following Rain Wilson on Twitter, but it's treading on thin ice. Its only salvation...the cameos by Kathy Bates. OMG she's freakin hilarious!!

Mike and Molly: I missed the first episode but I watched episode 2 tonight and it was FUNNY! The fat jokes weren't too bad, I realize that's the underlying theme of the show, but they just bordered on too many, in my opinion. And that sweater would have been ugly on anyone, fat or not. I've loved Melissa McCarthy ever since she was on Gilmore Girls so she's the reason I set a timer, but apparently the guy, Billy Gardell is a comedian. So is this like another Everybody Loves Raymond or Seinfeld? Who knows, but so far so good, I'll keep watching.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: I've only watched one episode of the new season and it didn't hold my attention very well. Hopefully it'll pick up because generally I freakin love this show!! Those 5 people are the most despicable, unlikeable characters and yet, at least sometimes, you almost cheer for them. Sweet Dee and Mac are married in real life and I'm glad they haven't either gone there on the show or lost their chemistry for pissing each other off. Who knows, it may have been the drugs that was causing my short attention span.

iCarly: Yeah, I know, this is a kids show on Nick but for a kids show on Nick it's pretty good. The main characters have good chemistry and even though they are teenagers, the topics are not too mature for my six-year-old daughter, who's a HUGE fan. I never would have watched it if not for her, and it's not like I'm watching it by myself, but if it's on, I'll watch it. Just don't tell NumberOneSon.

Tosh.0: I made the mistake of letting NOS watch this with me and now he's hooked too. Who would think some comedian making fun of YouTube videos would be so funny? But his comments are so snarky and at times so borderline racist you just can't stop watching. It cracks me up that he'll actually GO there, you know. Most people won't. Plus Daniel Tosh is well, cute. I can't quite put my finger on what it is that makes him cute but yeah, I'm crushin a little. Don't tell DH.

Glee: Yep, I'll admit it, I'm a Gleek. Or whatever you wanna call a fan. LOVE IT! Especially the Journey medley they took to competition to end last year. And Jane Lynch...she is just a riot!! I <3 her!! They sang more current stuff in the first episode, and since I watched the MTV VMAs (DVR'd, finally got to it over the weekend) and I didn't know who half the artists were and hated most of what I heard, I really hope they don't stay too current or I may have to mute!

Friday Night Lights: I don't think it's on right now, and at first I wasn't sure what to think of the route the writers had taken with this season...Coach Taylor moving to Dillon East, all the racial stuff, etc...and then I started reading the book. I haven't finished it yet, but I have to say that last season explored issues that the book explored and the movie and the show thus far had glossed over. I missed a few episodes but I think NBC has them online, so I just need to get motivated to watch a TV show on my computer instead of my big screen TV. I'm gonna finish the book first. I won't lie...Kyle Chandler was my main draw to the first show (I fell in love with him in Homefront when I was in high school) but that first episode was all I needed to be hooked. The story was just compelling.

The Middle: I only watched this a time or two last year when I was staying in a hotel and therefore did not have DVR, but I really liked it. So I set a timer for it and it's funny!! Last week's advice from Doris Roberts to Patricia Heaton not to smother her son made me laugh out loud!! Throwback to Everybody Loves Raymond! And since I never could get enough of Janitor on Scrubs, I'm glad to see him on there too. It reminds me of Malcolm in the Middle just a little, but not in a copycat way at all. Lois was one of my all time favorite TV moms, but I think I relate to Frankie even more.

And last but not least...
$..! My Dad Says: WTF...it's SHIT, OK? Everyone knows that. I realize censors won't allow that to be said or printed out on network TV but whatever. I feel completely swindled by Shit My Dad Says. It started out as a Facebook page and a Twitter account and that's just what it was. Periodically this dude Justin would post shit his dad would say. Sometimes two posts in one day, sometimes nothing for over a week. Usually what his dad would say would involve a couple of curse words and some sort of insult to Justin, but if you looked closer it was pretty sage advice. When you get older, it seems, you are less concerned about what people think of you and more likely to say what you really think. Now I'm beginning to think that it was all a scam to build buzz for a lame ass sitcom starring William Shatner. I watched it. I haven't deleted my timer for it yet, but I was not impressed. First of all, I don't think William Shatner is enough of an asshole to pull this off. They need someone who looks like Abe Vigoda, or Abe Simpson for that matter. The dude who is the main character is just a tool and he really can't act. Nicole Sullivan and Will Sasso are hilarious as always in their supporting roles...those two have good comedic timing and chemistry. They need their own show. But not this one. I'll probably give it another chance or two, because I remember the first few episodes of Seinfeld weren't that funny and it ended up being one of my all time favorites. But I'm prepared to be disappointed.

And that's it for now, RedDirtGirl's review of the Fall 2010 TV season. Aren't you glad I have so much time on my hands.

honesty

The past few days, in a word, have just sucked. Toward the end of last week I thought I was feeling better and then, whammo, Saturday and Sunday came around and just knocked me off my feet. I don't know if the false sense of well-being provided by steroids wore off (I was warned my my aunt) or the mucositis from the chemo has set in...I'm guessing it's a combination of both. Saturday and Sunday I got overheated and light-headed after my shower. I don't know if I was dehydrated and upright for too long or what. But both days, I got ready to go somewhere and by the time I was ready to go I didn't have the energy to leave the house.

The bad thing about chemo is that it causes all the rapidly-dividing cells in your body to die...that's how it kills cancer cells because cancer cells are dividing too quickly which causes screw-ups in the new cells which is cancer. Unfortunately, the cells in your GI tract are also rapidly dividing, so the chemo kills them too. Now I have a sore mouth and throat, which makes it hard to swallow and makes food taste funny. I also feel like I have the stomach flu...from both ends. Fortunately I've not thrown up any, but that's only because I'm popping Ativan the moment I feel sick to my stomach. Let's just say Ativan doesn't work on the other end...Remember in American Pie when Stiffler slips some Ex-Lax in Shit-brick's latte? Um, yeah, that's an accurate picture of how I was feeling a couple of times this weekend. There's just nothing like breaking out in a cold sweat...ugh, it's making me sick to my stomach just to write about it.

I managed to make it to Wal-mart and to get Miss Thang's pictures developed for school but by the time I made it home I was just done. I could barely get through the checkout line. I still need to go wig shopping and see if I can find some glutamine for my stomatitis but I'm afraid to venture too far from home. I have just been feeling rotten the past few days.

So today, I spent the day in the recliner. I feel like I've regressed. I'm hoping tomorrow is better. I realize I have to take this one day at a time and I know there are people who have it WAY worse than I do. All that doesn't really make me feel any better about myself.

I glanced back at my past couple of blog entries and realized they were missing something. At first I couldn't put my finger on it but I think I figured it out. I had initially said I was going to be honest and this may be raw and difficult to read. But I've been holding back. I've said some things that I was feeling and not all of them have been sweetness and light. But this is my blog. I'm decompressing here. Sometimes things are going to happen that piss me off. Talking about it helps. Since it seems like everyone but my mom and BeBe have quit calling me, so who exactly am I supposed to talk to? Besides, who wants to call me up and listen to me vent about my kids' clutter? Or when my 13 year old is being mouthy? Just because I have cancer doesn't mean I'm immune to my kiddos annoying the hell out of me. The difference is I used to be able to do something about it...now I don't have the energy. So when I do get the energy I have to take advantage while I can and drag out of the recliner and tell them to pick up their rooms or do their homework or quit sassing me or whatever else.

In an ideal world I'd have a nanny or a clone or something who could take over with the house and kids while I go through all this. However, it ain't happening. So I'm getting through this the best way I can. I'm not asking anyone to do anything that I wouldn't be asking them to do anyway even if I wasn't sick. I didn't have many chores when I was a kid. My mom is a perfectionist to the point that she would generally re-do anything I'd done, so what was the point of her making me do it to begin with? Now don't get me wrong, I love my mom, she was a good mom and she and my dad raised me the best they could and I think I turned out just fine. But...just because she did it one way doesn't mean I'm going to do it the same way. Sometimes I feel a little sorry for NumberOneSon because he does have a lot of responsibility at times. But you know what? He handles it, and I know in a few years when he's out of here he's going to be able to take care of himself and make good decisions. If he screws up some now, the consequences are not nearly as high as they will be in the future. There were some lessons I learned after I was an adult that I wish I would have learned as a teenager, when the stakes weren't quite so high.

Well, it's time to drag my ass out of this recliner and run to Walgreens to buy diapers for BabyBoy. I forgot to look and see if we needed them yesterday and no one told me. Oh well, maybe we'll get some ice cream too. I could go for a Frosty...

better...

Thank God, I'm feeling better today than I did last night. Unfortunately, my insomnia seems to have only been cured for one night and I tossed and turned like normal last night. I guess it's nice to know some things never change (well, too much). At this very moment, the kids and I are gathered around the TV, watching SpongeBob SquarePants and waiting for our Domino's to be delivered. Sadly, I don't think I'll be able to eat much because my stomach has been doing flip-flops all day.

I'm still reeling from the Hogs losing to Alabama. I had really hoped they'd pull it out but I guess not today. I'm beginning to think maybe I shouldn't watch them...this was the first game of the year I watched! I'm superstitious when it comes to Razorback football and full moon Saturday nights at the hospital. I'm just glad I didn't go watch it at the bar...there's no way I could have been able to contain my emotions. I never would have lived it down had I thrown a hissy fit in front of everyone. Besides, I like beer and I'm not supposed to be drinking it during chemo and sitting at the bar watching the game would probably make me want to drink a beer, especially as the Hogs were letting their lead slip away.

NumberOneSon got the yard mowed today and I'm so proud because I gave him the option of finishing tomorrow and he decided to go ahead and finish it so he wouldn't have to do it tomorrow. Very mature. He's also going to finish his paper tonight...on Saturday night!

I've been kind of mopey the past 24 hours and I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because I thought I'd be feeling better by now. I guess I was feeling better and then I kind of started feeling worse. Sometimes I just wonder when all this will be over. I mean, I know once I finish chemo and then have my reconstruction surgery it will be over. Probably 6 months from now I will be at least close to back to normal. But for now, it just seems never ending. I get sick of not having the energy to even make a meal or clean my bathroom. Needless to say I didn't start yoga today...hopefully tomorrow. How do you explain to people that the fatigue, the recovery, waxes and wanes, some days it's better and some days it's worse. I can't really plan anything. To top it off my throat hurts and I can't tell whether it's sinus drip or chemo side effects or what. I hate just sitting around but I don't feel like doing anything else. Ugh.

I'm trying to take it one day at a time but the past couple have just been neverending.

plugging along

Well, I'm now four days out from my chemo and I don't think I'm doing too bad. I've only gotten queasy a couple of times and I've been drinking water, trying to eat and rest and be good. So far so good. Unfortunately, I'm getting bored hanging around the house. I like to be out and about and being a homebody is not easy for me. But according to the pages and pages of drug info I read on my chemo drugs, my white count should be the lowest 7 to 10 days out and then start climbing again. And I took the Neulasta so hopefully it won't drop too low. I kind of have a sore throat but I can't tell if it's like sinus stuff, an actual illness or just side effect from the chemo. So by this time next week, I hopefully will be back to my normal self.

NumberOneSon is at the high school homecoming football game tonight. I'm kind of jealous, it's been awhile since I've been to a high school football game. I'd love to go home and see my old alma mater play, especially since it seems they are pretty good this year. Oh, well, maybe next year. I ought to be able to make it to NOS's game next week but I'm either gonna have to get a babysitter or someone to help me chase kids at the game. They were really good at the last one but they are still way too full of energy for me to chase alone.

It really sucks when you have a lot of downtime but not a lot of energy. I look around and I see all kinds of things that I could do, that I need to do, but I don't have the energy. Even before my chemo, when I wasn't nearly as tired, I would start a little project and then not be able to finish it. So I've had all these little half projects all over the house. Ugh.

Thinking about starting yoga tomorrow. This time I bought a book with a DVD. I have to actually see the person doing it to figure it out, a picture just doesn't cut it with me. I was going to start today but I ran errands while BabyBoy was at school instead of coming home.

Good grief I'm putting myself to sleep with this boring blog. I'm sure I have a lot to say, just don't even know where to begin. So maybe I'll just begin again tomorrow.