Friends

It's Saturday morning, and I am waxing philosophic while my kids watch old Scooby Doo on Boomerang. I can't take too long though because I need to get to the bank before noon. But last night, while feeling sorry for myself on the phone with DH, I got to thinking about friends, old and new, good and bad, unlikely and obvious. And I started remembering friends from my past, most of whom I've lost touch with over the years. Some of those people I've reconnected with on Facebook (and MySpace when I was on there) but many are just lost forever. And with only a handful of them I've kept in continuous contact.

What got me thinking about friends to begin with is that I feel like I've been let down by one of my friends. I feel silly whining about one friend when so many others have stepped up and gone above and beyond the call of duty. I think the support that we've received from others is something of a testament that if you put out good, good will come back to you. DH and I are not perfect by any means, but we have always tried to do right by people and have always been generous with our time and assistance and our money when we had any. Because of this, we've gotten screwed occasionally over the years, especially DH, but it's hard to change your underlying personality. He's the guy who road a Sportster from northwest Arkansas to the west Texas desert to go to work because he needed to support his family and that was his only reliable vehicle. He's the guy who was on his way home from working in Texas and stopped to help a very old man change a flat tire while the two young capable women with him looked on. He's the guy who put off working on his own bike so he can help a friend get his running, who put sweat equity into someone else's business only to get screwed out of money owed to him for work done months, and now years, before. So a person who puts out good like that has it come back to him right? With what we've faced over the past several months, we have been picked up and dusted off and righted by our friends, and every day I'm thankful for what we have.

But I'm human, so I still want what I can't have. So last night when I was crying on the phone about how I feel abandoned by a certain friend, DH was blunt with me. "That's how she always is...she's selfish. If it's not about her or what she wants to do, she's not interested." Ouch! That's quite a statement. I initially got mad at DH...how can you say that about my friend? But I thought on it for awhile, and he's 100% right, as usual (one of his most annoying qualities). So now here's the dilemma...what do I do with my newfound information? Part of me just wants to call her up and chew her ass out...you're supposed to be my friend, and you've basically disappeared since all this started! Part of me wants to just forget that we were ever friends to begin with. But what am I going to do? Well, I guess I'm going to be a friend to HER. For whatever reason, she can't give me what I need from her right now, but that's OK because plenty of others have stepped in and supported me and my family in this trying time. So without expecting anything from her, I'm going to support her as best I can. And when I can't do it, when I need support myself, I won't expect it from her. If I happen to get it from her I will consider it a pleasant surprise.

I think my friend insecurity started many years ago when I was a little girl growing up in Arkansas. I don't know if it was because I was shy or a pushover, but I always worried about whether people liked me. I'd be playing with a couple of the neighbor girls and invariably they'd start teaming up against me and since I was the youngest, I'd usually go home crying. And of course there was always that one girl who liked to stir up trouble...sometimes I wonder what ever happened to her. I know she moved away a couple of years after we did. Maybe she ended up on one of those reality shows on VH1.

When you are an insecure person, anything that makes you stand out from the crowd, whether in a good or bad way, is extremely stressful. It's much easier just to blend in. And so I did my best to blend in for many years and I don't think I really came into my true self until I was an adult. I was self conscious and afraid of what others thought of me. I wanted to be popular and have all the boys lining up to date me. I was often afraid to speak my mind because if I didn't agree with what everyone else thought I thought I'd lose friends.

I was 16 the first time I realized that what I had to say might be important and someone might listen. I was at an academic summer camp ("nerd camp" I'm pretty sure NumberOneSon would call it) and we'd talk about different things in class and outside of class and people would listen to each other. I'd open my mouth to say something and they were being quiet and thinking about what I said. They cared about my opinion. Not my opinion about Guess vs. Levis jeans or Tom Cruise vs. Brad Pitt, but what I thought about a book we were reading. Or the ongoing conflict in the Middle East. Or abortion. (Let me tell you, it gives you a whole new view of "choice" when you realize you weren't wanted and could have easily and legally been aborted instead of born and adopted). I know when I came back to school in the fall I was a little different, a little more confident in myself. The following summer I did it again, this time for six weeks at Governor's School. And I became a little more confident during my senior year. By the time I went off to college I was not 100% secure (heck, I'm 36 and I'm still not 100% secure!) but I did come to realize that my opinions were just as valuable as anyone else's. It also helped that I was able to meet other boys at these camps, boys who didn't see me as that really smart girl or that girl with the fake front tooth. I think that made it much easier to not be dating much at my school, since I could date elsewhere. Besides, when you date people from other schools people don't know as much of your business!!

So what do insecurity and friendship have to do with each other? I think insecurity leads you to seek out the easy friendship, the one with the person who looks the most like you, who acts the most like you. Or the convenient friendship, the one with your co-worker or your neighbor. The problem with these friendships is they may be superficial and when the going gets tough, they disappear! How many friends have I lost touch with over the years because it was no longer convenient to be friends? We don't live in the same town anymore, I don't go out partying anymore, she doesn't have kids, we don't work together now, etc. I feel bad because I felt like I was good friends with some of these people, and now I don't even know where they live. I realize we all get busy and it is impossible to keep up many close relationships so I have had to learn to let go and realize our friendship was only for a season. I used to get mad...why doesn't she call me? Why doesn't she care about my 30 minute brag session on how high NOS can climb on the school monkey bars? Now I know that we needed each other at that time, to get through high school or college, to weather those first few years as a wife and mother, to pass the time at a job.

As I've gotten older and more secure in myself, I've tried to seek out friendships with a variety of people. Over the years I've become friendly with people of all ages and viewpoints and I've learned a lot from them. I think my friends have helped me to grow into the person I am today and I am thankful for the opportunity to know them. I feel sad that some of the friendships that I thought were real with former co-workers turned out to be friendships of convenience but I am learning to accept things as they are and be thankful for the friends I do have.

And that brings me back around to Facebook. I have heard from so many people that I don't see or talk to regularly anymore for a variety of reasons. I cannot believe the overwhelming support I've received since I went public with my breast cancer journey. There are people who I thought would be Johnny on the spot who've been absent, and people who I thought were only distant memories and faded yearbook photos who've been right there with me. Sharing all this has been healing and helpful for me. I'm not doing it to help anyone but myself, but if it does help someone else than that's good, right?

Alrighty, it's time to get dressed and get to the bank!