Since I did a review of my year last year, and it's the last day of 2011, I thought I'd look back and muse over the events of the past 365 days. If you had told me last year on my birthday I would be schmoozing with politicians and would-be politicians (and even considering being one myself), I would have fallen out of my chair laughing. But here I am, helping organize a property rights group, going to city and county meetings, going to the school board meetings even when I don't have to, and helping organize a chili supper fundraiser and the county Republican caucus.
Wow. Didn't see that one coming. It makes sense though. I have a lot of time on my hands and a lot of opinions about how things should be going. And if I thought they were headed in the right direction, I would be spending more time reading People and Facebooking and less time trying to save the world, starting with Ozark and Christian County.
I've gotten more active in PTA and I'm using what I've learned there to help with the other organizations with which I've become involved. And sadly, whether it's a non-profit, a political party, a job, church, whatever, it's all politics. It's all about how you say it and how you make people feel. The message, no matter how good or how right, can get lost if the messenger can't convey it without offense and can't convince others to come over to his or her side.
I've started going to church again and I've found a true church "home." I never really understood what people meant by that until I started going to Southside Church of Christ. I'd gone to churches out of expectation, because friends went there, because I wanted to be in an awesome choir, out of convenience, but I've never been anywhere where I thought "this is where I'm meant to be." What an incredible feeling. I'm reading and studying my Bible more. I always prayed a lot but now I think maybe I'm praying even more. And I have so much to be thankful for.
I've taken up cooking and baking for recreation and we don't really eat out very much anymore. I've found that I kind of have a knack for recipe modification and I've even made up some of my own recipes. It's certainly gratifying to have people compliment your cooking and baking. It's also galling to go out to eat and spend a ton of money for what I can make at home for a fraction of the cost. Now I understand why my parents were never much on eating out.
I've been reading about and become disillusioned with the current state of cancer research and treatment. I'm no conspiracy theorist but something tells me the cause may be more widespread and the cure may be simpler than you'd think. Sadly, the research dollars go toward expensive drugs and medical procedures rather than looking at lifestyle changes which do nothing to make money for pharmaceutical and healthcare companies.
I can't believe how fast the years are going by the older I get. I remember my parents telling me time flies...now I believe it. My kids are getting so big, in just a few years Number One Son will be out of the house and Ms. Thang and BabyBoy will be in upper elementary, then junior high and high school and they'll be gone too.
Finally, I think I've nailed down some future plans. I've decided to go back to school and become a nurse practitioner and I hope someday to open a free/sliding scale clinic to serve rural southwest Missouri. It's a huge undertaking...but I feel like it's where I've been heading all along. It's what all my experiences, as a nurse and a cancer patient, having been unemployed and uninsured, have been taking me. And eventually DH and I plan to move out to the country and learn how to live "off the grid" as much as possible.
Every year there is so much change and a lot of it is stuff I'm not expecting. It makes me wonder what to expect in 2012 and what I'll be talking about a year from now. In any case, it's time to get moving and see what the day brings.
Happy New Year!!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
I am so sick of pink!!
I gotta get something off my chest (DH is chuckling as he reads this because he's thinking of getting to second base...) I'm sick of pink. October is a reminder of what I had to go through last year (not much fun). But it is what it is, and I'm not hating on pink for that reason.
I'm hating on pink because money is just being thrown by the gobs at breast cancer awareness. And lots of people buy the pink ribbon without knowing whether their purchase is actually doing anything more than making the pink ribbon seller beaucoup money. You can't spit in a public place in October without hitting something or someone sporting a pink ribbon.
Read the fine print, assuming you can find it, on a pink ribbon product. My pink ribbon envelopes say "a portion of the profits will be donated to support breast cancer research and education." I got on their website, I found the exact same thing. How much of the profits? What kind of research and education? I'm still wondering.
Many pink ribbon products don't even claim to do anything for breast cancer, other than raise awareness. Duh. We are all aware of it now...kids are getting in trouble for wearing "I Heart Boobies" bracelets to school.
I believe consumers are well meaning and it's certainly easy to buy something you were going to buy anyway and pay a little more for a pink ribbon on it, assuming the "little more" will go to help people with breast cancer. The Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation is the most well-known breast cancer fundraising group. Did you know they spend $0.21 of every dollar raised on administrative and fundraising costs? That sounds good until you realize everyone at each of the 3 Day for the Cure events is a volunteer and the ones walking have each raised over $2000 and paid $90 plus their own transportation for the privilege of walking 60 miles. I was planning to participate in the Atlanta 3 Day for the Cure event and then I had to put off my final surgery and I wasn't able to train. In the meantime, I did more research and pondering and came to some conclusions. If I spend over $500 to raise $2000, that's pretty wasteful. And if I give it to an organization that plans to keep most of it in Atlanta, I'm not helping local women with breast cancer (not that I have anything against women with breast cancer in Atlanta!) Did you know that Susan G. Komen for the Cure also supports Planned Parenthood? Planned Parenthood does mention on their website they offer breast cancer screenings, but guess what? They don't do mammograms!! I called Planned Parenthood clinics in Columbia, Springfield and St. Louis Metro (North County) and none of them offer mammogram services. They don't even offer a free breast exam if you are low/no income. So I wonder what they are doing with the money they get from Komen for the Cure?
In defense of Planned Parenthood, the ladies who answered the phone were VERY nice and gave me phone numbers of places to try and information about programs they knew about (Show Me Healthy Women, Barnes-Jewish, and Breast Cancer Foundation of the Ozarks were suggested and they all have programs to get women free mammograms if they qualify).
I think I'm getting off subject again...
Here's the reason I'm sick of pink. I looked back at breast cancer death rates since 1975. That's 36 years, people. And guess what? The death rate is pretty flat. There was a steady rise in small and localized tumors through the 70s up to the turn of the century and now that rate has flattened out as well. (Those numbers were courtesy of mammography). Regional and distant breast cancer rates are essentially unchanged. All the money, all the awareness, all the screening...and women are basically dying at the the same rate as they were when I was born. A lot of the survivors are surviving small localized cancers that may not have spread and caused harm anyway. And women are dying of fast growing metastatic disease in spite of frequent mammograms. How many women who are doing just what they are supposed to, getting their boobs squashed yearly, getting a clear mammogram and then finding a lump 6 months later? Going through aggressive surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, only to die anyway.
Roughly the same number who were 10, 20, 30 years ago (per 100,000 population).
And how many of us have had aggressive surgery and chemotherapy for cancer that may have never caused a problem? There is no way of knowing if my cancer would have formed a lump, spread outside the chest, presented any symptoms whatsoever. Psychologically it would be impossible for me to live with a tumor inside me and wonder if it's growing. Wonder if the test next month will be the one that says we now have to do something. Wonder how long I have to live.
We've thrown BILLIONS at breast cancer. It's not changing much. WHY?
Is is because cancer is big business? How much money do drug companies make off of this incurable disease? What about new technology? I had a breast MRI after my mammogram and biopsy. Why? Theoretically it was so we could see if there was cancer in the other breast and make a decision whether to do a unilateral or bilateral mastectomy. In reality, I had already made up my mind to get both removed. And finding out I would have to get serial mammograms and breast MRIs to look for cancer in the remaining breast was enough to make me want the bilateral. I would have been hard pressed to have done either in a year, much less in 3 months. And again in 3 months. For 5 years.
But the hospital got to bill for the MRI and the radiologist got to bill for reading it. And it didn't change what we did. Had I decided to keep my right boob, they would have been billing my insurance for 10 more MRIs and 10 more mammograms. And probably for a two week vacation at the loony bin at least once or twice.
And the drugs, not just the chemo drugs but the nausea meds. OMG they were so expensive. One prescription was over $300 for 3 pills!! Yep over $100 per pill! That is MAD money! And the pharmacy was barely making anything (like $6 on the script). I don't even know how much the chemo drugs were but I'm guessing exorbitant. And the surgery. I did get a bill for that, at least the first one. $30,000 just for the hospital. Obviously my health plan didn't pay that much, but that's what was billed. Even if they only paid half...over $300/hour to be in the hospital. Wow. Steep.
Now of course, the drug companies have research expenses. They get government money and also spend their own. They have employees. The hospital has employees and plenty of patients who don't have insurance or the insurance doesn't pay as much as it cost to provide the care.
But drug companies need to have a good return on their research money. They are NOT spending money looking for a cure for cancer. If someone actually CURED cancer, what would the drug companies make money on? Well, there's still heart disease, AIDS, diabetes, lupus, fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, pain...I think they would survive. But they are not going to fund studies that will get rid of their profits. That's not good business.
And I don't expect them to. But if Merck and Walgreens are sponsoring Komen for the Cure they may stand to lose money if there was actually a cure found. I'm not saying the researchers who are being sponsored by Komen for the Cure aren't actually looking for a cure for cancer, but it does beg the question: how are researchers chosen? Is there research out there that could go on if it was only funded but big business is getting in the way?
How bad would our economy be if one of our biggest sectors, health care, was suddenly not needed because people got healthy, cancer was cured and chronic diseases were eradicated? Really, we can trace a head of lettuce from a supermarket in Chicago, IL to the field where it grew in Salinas, CA, we can build an international space station and keep it manned, we can determine what cow in what barn in Texas a T-bone served in a restaurant in New York City came from, yet we can't figure out cancer? Even if we don't cure it, at least cut the death rate? At least prevent metastasis?
Maybe we could if we didn't spend all this money painting the world pink.
I'm hating on pink because money is just being thrown by the gobs at breast cancer awareness. And lots of people buy the pink ribbon without knowing whether their purchase is actually doing anything more than making the pink ribbon seller beaucoup money. You can't spit in a public place in October without hitting something or someone sporting a pink ribbon.
Read the fine print, assuming you can find it, on a pink ribbon product. My pink ribbon envelopes say "a portion of the profits will be donated to support breast cancer research and education." I got on their website, I found the exact same thing. How much of the profits? What kind of research and education? I'm still wondering.
Many pink ribbon products don't even claim to do anything for breast cancer, other than raise awareness. Duh. We are all aware of it now...kids are getting in trouble for wearing "I Heart Boobies" bracelets to school.
I believe consumers are well meaning and it's certainly easy to buy something you were going to buy anyway and pay a little more for a pink ribbon on it, assuming the "little more" will go to help people with breast cancer. The Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation is the most well-known breast cancer fundraising group. Did you know they spend $0.21 of every dollar raised on administrative and fundraising costs? That sounds good until you realize everyone at each of the 3 Day for the Cure events is a volunteer and the ones walking have each raised over $2000 and paid $90 plus their own transportation for the privilege of walking 60 miles. I was planning to participate in the Atlanta 3 Day for the Cure event and then I had to put off my final surgery and I wasn't able to train. In the meantime, I did more research and pondering and came to some conclusions. If I spend over $500 to raise $2000, that's pretty wasteful. And if I give it to an organization that plans to keep most of it in Atlanta, I'm not helping local women with breast cancer (not that I have anything against women with breast cancer in Atlanta!) Did you know that Susan G. Komen for the Cure also supports Planned Parenthood? Planned Parenthood does mention on their website they offer breast cancer screenings, but guess what? They don't do mammograms!! I called Planned Parenthood clinics in Columbia, Springfield and St. Louis Metro (North County) and none of them offer mammogram services. They don't even offer a free breast exam if you are low/no income. So I wonder what they are doing with the money they get from Komen for the Cure?
In defense of Planned Parenthood, the ladies who answered the phone were VERY nice and gave me phone numbers of places to try and information about programs they knew about (Show Me Healthy Women, Barnes-Jewish, and Breast Cancer Foundation of the Ozarks were suggested and they all have programs to get women free mammograms if they qualify).
I think I'm getting off subject again...
Here's the reason I'm sick of pink. I looked back at breast cancer death rates since 1975. That's 36 years, people. And guess what? The death rate is pretty flat. There was a steady rise in small and localized tumors through the 70s up to the turn of the century and now that rate has flattened out as well. (Those numbers were courtesy of mammography). Regional and distant breast cancer rates are essentially unchanged. All the money, all the awareness, all the screening...and women are basically dying at the the same rate as they were when I was born. A lot of the survivors are surviving small localized cancers that may not have spread and caused harm anyway. And women are dying of fast growing metastatic disease in spite of frequent mammograms. How many women who are doing just what they are supposed to, getting their boobs squashed yearly, getting a clear mammogram and then finding a lump 6 months later? Going through aggressive surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, only to die anyway.
Roughly the same number who were 10, 20, 30 years ago (per 100,000 population).
And how many of us have had aggressive surgery and chemotherapy for cancer that may have never caused a problem? There is no way of knowing if my cancer would have formed a lump, spread outside the chest, presented any symptoms whatsoever. Psychologically it would be impossible for me to live with a tumor inside me and wonder if it's growing. Wonder if the test next month will be the one that says we now have to do something. Wonder how long I have to live.
We've thrown BILLIONS at breast cancer. It's not changing much. WHY?
Is is because cancer is big business? How much money do drug companies make off of this incurable disease? What about new technology? I had a breast MRI after my mammogram and biopsy. Why? Theoretically it was so we could see if there was cancer in the other breast and make a decision whether to do a unilateral or bilateral mastectomy. In reality, I had already made up my mind to get both removed. And finding out I would have to get serial mammograms and breast MRIs to look for cancer in the remaining breast was enough to make me want the bilateral. I would have been hard pressed to have done either in a year, much less in 3 months. And again in 3 months. For 5 years.
But the hospital got to bill for the MRI and the radiologist got to bill for reading it. And it didn't change what we did. Had I decided to keep my right boob, they would have been billing my insurance for 10 more MRIs and 10 more mammograms. And probably for a two week vacation at the loony bin at least once or twice.
And the drugs, not just the chemo drugs but the nausea meds. OMG they were so expensive. One prescription was over $300 for 3 pills!! Yep over $100 per pill! That is MAD money! And the pharmacy was barely making anything (like $6 on the script). I don't even know how much the chemo drugs were but I'm guessing exorbitant. And the surgery. I did get a bill for that, at least the first one. $30,000 just for the hospital. Obviously my health plan didn't pay that much, but that's what was billed. Even if they only paid half...over $300/hour to be in the hospital. Wow. Steep.
Now of course, the drug companies have research expenses. They get government money and also spend their own. They have employees. The hospital has employees and plenty of patients who don't have insurance or the insurance doesn't pay as much as it cost to provide the care.
But drug companies need to have a good return on their research money. They are NOT spending money looking for a cure for cancer. If someone actually CURED cancer, what would the drug companies make money on? Well, there's still heart disease, AIDS, diabetes, lupus, fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, pain...I think they would survive. But they are not going to fund studies that will get rid of their profits. That's not good business.
And I don't expect them to. But if Merck and Walgreens are sponsoring Komen for the Cure they may stand to lose money if there was actually a cure found. I'm not saying the researchers who are being sponsored by Komen for the Cure aren't actually looking for a cure for cancer, but it does beg the question: how are researchers chosen? Is there research out there that could go on if it was only funded but big business is getting in the way?
How bad would our economy be if one of our biggest sectors, health care, was suddenly not needed because people got healthy, cancer was cured and chronic diseases were eradicated? Really, we can trace a head of lettuce from a supermarket in Chicago, IL to the field where it grew in Salinas, CA, we can build an international space station and keep it manned, we can determine what cow in what barn in Texas a T-bone served in a restaurant in New York City came from, yet we can't figure out cancer? Even if we don't cure it, at least cut the death rate? At least prevent metastasis?
Maybe we could if we didn't spend all this money painting the world pink.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Lazy day...
It's almost noon and I'm still in my jammies. A couple of months ago there was nothing unusual about that but I've been doing a lot better. Not today, though. I was beat down by 5 yesterday evening and even contemplated going to bed early, but I was afraid I'd wake up at 3 am and not be able to go back to sleep. So instead I dozed off and on on the couch, falling asleep and then waking up and realizing I'd missed part of my show and rewinding (I love DVR!!) til I finally decided to go to bed. Apparently the last time I fell asleep was a good one because I didn't wake up til after 2!! Crap! Here I go again! This morning my back hurts and I'm tired and cranky. So I'm still in my jammies, playing with my cockatiel Coco and drinking coffee. And blogging (obviously).
Currently Coco is sitting on the back of the chair chewing his toes. I Googled. It's normal bird behavior.
NOS was very resistant to getting off the computer and doing his homework and going to bed last night. He apparently was also very quiet getting around this morning because I just knew he'd overslept and missed the bus. However...he didn't AND he put the trash can on the curb. Without being reminded by his mother. I'm so proud.
It's picture day for my little ones, so I made sure their clothes matched and picked a coordinating background color. School photos are getting expensive. $25 for each kid and you don't even get that many pics!! And the smallest package was still $18.
Now Coco is chewing on the wood trim around the window. I Googled again. Also normal bird behavior. Not sure if chewing is the right term, he doesn't have teeth, but beaking doesn't really sound right either.
I was reviewing my calendar and fall is going to be very busy for me!! Last outpatient surgery is coming up in a month. We've started planning our second anniversary party at the bar. Big D and I are booking bands right and left. PTA convention, school events, family get-togethers, the holidays. So much to do, so little time.
I'm feeling loathe to leave my house on a day that I don't really HAVE to when I think about all the non-lazy days I have coming up. The couple of things I had on my list for today can wait til tomorrow. That way I don't have to drive to the big city twice in two days.
See, I'm conserving energy, treehuggers.
So bring on the Nutella s'mores and a Criminal Minds marathon.
Currently Coco is sitting on the back of the chair chewing his toes. I Googled. It's normal bird behavior.
NOS was very resistant to getting off the computer and doing his homework and going to bed last night. He apparently was also very quiet getting around this morning because I just knew he'd overslept and missed the bus. However...he didn't AND he put the trash can on the curb. Without being reminded by his mother. I'm so proud.
It's picture day for my little ones, so I made sure their clothes matched and picked a coordinating background color. School photos are getting expensive. $25 for each kid and you don't even get that many pics!! And the smallest package was still $18.
Now Coco is chewing on the wood trim around the window. I Googled again. Also normal bird behavior. Not sure if chewing is the right term, he doesn't have teeth, but beaking doesn't really sound right either.
I was reviewing my calendar and fall is going to be very busy for me!! Last outpatient surgery is coming up in a month. We've started planning our second anniversary party at the bar. Big D and I are booking bands right and left. PTA convention, school events, family get-togethers, the holidays. So much to do, so little time.
I'm feeling loathe to leave my house on a day that I don't really HAVE to when I think about all the non-lazy days I have coming up. The couple of things I had on my list for today can wait til tomorrow. That way I don't have to drive to the big city twice in two days.
See, I'm conserving energy, treehuggers.
So bring on the Nutella s'mores and a Criminal Minds marathon.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I'm feeling a little verklempt...towk amongst yourselves...
Well, I had good intentions of blogging last night, but somehow the sandman caught up with me by the time I finished googling how to spell "verklempt." A google search of that word, of course, brought up the old Mike Myers Coffee Talk with Linda Richman skit from Saturday Night Live, and of course I had to watch it. Top of the list on Hulu was the one with Madonna and Roseanne where Barbra Streisand made a guest appearance. Ahhh, memories.
But verklempt I was yesterday when I walked into the 7th floor waiting room at Siteman Cancer Center. As I looked around the room while I waited to get my blood drawn, I couldn't help but remember being there for the first time last August. I was scared to death but trying not to show it. I'm glad I had my good friend Kondee's Mom and my loving DH with me. It made me wish I'd tried a little harder to get someone to come with me yesterday, but I honestly didn't think it would be anything other than routine. And it really wasn't, except inside my head and heart.
All that talk about coffee made me want some, and coffee made me want breakfast, but now I'm back.
It's been hard to blog this summer as I've gotten busier and not had much of a schedule. But with school starting Thursday, I think it's time to get back on track. I have a running to-do list a mile long, but it's torture to only do chores, so I've been trying to intersperse some fun stuff in there too. Funny how I don't have a hard time checking "get nails done" off the list, but "clean out junk rooms" (yes, there's TWO of them!) just keeps sitting there, big blank space off to the side, and all the junk keeps sitting there too. So I've made it a goal to work on the junk, 15 minutes at a time, and eventually it will be gone. As long as I resist adding to it (I can hear DH laughing as he reads this!!)
But anyway, back to my overwhelming emotions yesterday. It was such a strange mix of happy and sad, foreboding and relief. I teared up as I was waiting to get my blood drawn, but I sucked it up quickly because I realized that I really didn't want someone I don't know diving into my business, asking what's wrong, comforting me, etc. Yep, that's right, I'm finally getting back to normal!!! I looked around the room and saw people who looked sick and people who looked well. I saw suffering, bitterness, anger, despair, hope, desperation, acceptance, sadness and joy. I realized I'd been through all those feelings and so much more over the past year. In fact, in my verklempt moment, I think I experienced all of them at once, which was why I felt so full. I WAS full. And full is so, so much better than empty.
Empty. Yep that's the word I was looking for. That's what was different. I had felt empty for a few months as I was transitioning from being sick to being well. Don't get me wrong, I still had the support and love of my friends and family. I still had people calling or texting, offering help if I needed it, being gracious if I declined invitations and understanding if I left early. But still, I felt like something was missing. I know my doctor saw it too, which is why she offered to refer me to the psychologist at Siteman when I saw her back in March. I figured a head shrinker 200 miles out of the way probably wasn't going to be helpful, so I started seeing someone locally about 4 months ago.
I was surprised, initially, that anyone could possibly think I needed some mental help after the events of the last year. After all, I was coping, wasn't I? I was getting out of bed every day, brushing my teeth, eating, cleaning up after the kids, going to PTA meetings, doing stuff for the bar, etc. I was getting back to normal life. Except I wasn't.
In reality I was burying my feelings, unless they were happy ones. And they should be happy ones, right? After all, I have so much to be thankful for! I'm done with cancer treatments, my kids are healthy, my DH has a good job, the bar business is growing, I'm losing weight, I have a dependable car and a roof over my head. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
But I still felt empty. If I was an evangelical, this is where I would inject that I needed Jesus to fill me up. I'm a Christian, so I know it wasn't God or Jesus I was missing. In fact, I've felt closer to God over the past year because of all the troubles I've had. I've felt like Job at times, although he had it WAY worse than me.
Empty. All this good, all this light, but empty. Why oh why when I lay my head on the pillow at night could I not turn my brain off and go to sleep?? Why oh why would I fall asleep watching TV or reading and then crawl in bed and it's like I just drank a venti red eye?? What was wrong with me?
Dr. E has finally helped me put my finger on it. Talking to her every couple of weeks for an hour has helped me discover what the problem is, why I should be happy and can't, why in the past I should have been sad and wasn't. Cyclothymic disorder. It's like a mild form of bipolar disorder. As a matter of fact, what clued me in was the article in People back in April about Catherine Zeta-Jones struggle with bipolar disorder. After I read the article, it was like the pieces of the puzzle finally started to fit.
I talked to DH and he read up on it a little and agreed the symptoms seemed to align with my behavior. I mentioned it to Dr. E and we explored the possibility that I was bipolar as opposed to dysthymic (like a mild form of depression). In the end, since my up moods were not extreme (no $10K spending sprees or gambling weekends), she settled on cyclothymic disorder for a diagnosis.
Diagnosis. A label. Some people would find having a diagnosed mental illness to be disturbing, shameful, embarrassing. I find it...relieving. Yes, there really is something wrong with me! (Pipe down over there, peanut gallery!) That doesn't mean I'm GLAD there's something wrong and I'm not going to use it as an excuse for bad behavior, but to know that there is something a little off in my brain that causes my mood to cycle up and down, well, it helps. If I'm aware of it, I can have some control over it. I've been working with Dr. E on ways to recognize my mood is going one way or the other and strategies to control it.
Yep. That's right. I said control. Dealing with a mental disorder is all about control. I can't control my brain chemicals, but I can control my behavior. I can exercise, I can have a routine, I can have a bedtime, I can limit alcohol, I can take a sleeping pill when I need it. I can recognize when I'm cycling up or down and not feed into the behaviors that go along with the up and down.
No more dragging out my entire closet onto my bed because I have to clean out my closet today. No more procrastination, which is an off-shoot of perfectionism. No more perfectionism, for that matter.
I wish I could figure out exactly what clicked yesterday. What made me realize my gauge had moved from empty to full? I'm looking around my house, and I'm still seeing my little fires that need to be put out. I'm going over my "to-do" list and there are still things that need to be done. That list will never be empty. Maybe that's what it is. The understanding that I will never get it all done, and it will never be perfect. But I can still get a lot of it done, and I can do my best. Not perfect.
Just...me.
But verklempt I was yesterday when I walked into the 7th floor waiting room at Siteman Cancer Center. As I looked around the room while I waited to get my blood drawn, I couldn't help but remember being there for the first time last August. I was scared to death but trying not to show it. I'm glad I had my good friend Kondee's Mom and my loving DH with me. It made me wish I'd tried a little harder to get someone to come with me yesterday, but I honestly didn't think it would be anything other than routine. And it really wasn't, except inside my head and heart.
All that talk about coffee made me want some, and coffee made me want breakfast, but now I'm back.
It's been hard to blog this summer as I've gotten busier and not had much of a schedule. But with school starting Thursday, I think it's time to get back on track. I have a running to-do list a mile long, but it's torture to only do chores, so I've been trying to intersperse some fun stuff in there too. Funny how I don't have a hard time checking "get nails done" off the list, but "clean out junk rooms" (yes, there's TWO of them!) just keeps sitting there, big blank space off to the side, and all the junk keeps sitting there too. So I've made it a goal to work on the junk, 15 minutes at a time, and eventually it will be gone. As long as I resist adding to it (I can hear DH laughing as he reads this!!)
But anyway, back to my overwhelming emotions yesterday. It was such a strange mix of happy and sad, foreboding and relief. I teared up as I was waiting to get my blood drawn, but I sucked it up quickly because I realized that I really didn't want someone I don't know diving into my business, asking what's wrong, comforting me, etc. Yep, that's right, I'm finally getting back to normal!!! I looked around the room and saw people who looked sick and people who looked well. I saw suffering, bitterness, anger, despair, hope, desperation, acceptance, sadness and joy. I realized I'd been through all those feelings and so much more over the past year. In fact, in my verklempt moment, I think I experienced all of them at once, which was why I felt so full. I WAS full. And full is so, so much better than empty.
Empty. Yep that's the word I was looking for. That's what was different. I had felt empty for a few months as I was transitioning from being sick to being well. Don't get me wrong, I still had the support and love of my friends and family. I still had people calling or texting, offering help if I needed it, being gracious if I declined invitations and understanding if I left early. But still, I felt like something was missing. I know my doctor saw it too, which is why she offered to refer me to the psychologist at Siteman when I saw her back in March. I figured a head shrinker 200 miles out of the way probably wasn't going to be helpful, so I started seeing someone locally about 4 months ago.
I was surprised, initially, that anyone could possibly think I needed some mental help after the events of the last year. After all, I was coping, wasn't I? I was getting out of bed every day, brushing my teeth, eating, cleaning up after the kids, going to PTA meetings, doing stuff for the bar, etc. I was getting back to normal life. Except I wasn't.
In reality I was burying my feelings, unless they were happy ones. And they should be happy ones, right? After all, I have so much to be thankful for! I'm done with cancer treatments, my kids are healthy, my DH has a good job, the bar business is growing, I'm losing weight, I have a dependable car and a roof over my head. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
But I still felt empty. If I was an evangelical, this is where I would inject that I needed Jesus to fill me up. I'm a Christian, so I know it wasn't God or Jesus I was missing. In fact, I've felt closer to God over the past year because of all the troubles I've had. I've felt like Job at times, although he had it WAY worse than me.
Empty. All this good, all this light, but empty. Why oh why when I lay my head on the pillow at night could I not turn my brain off and go to sleep?? Why oh why would I fall asleep watching TV or reading and then crawl in bed and it's like I just drank a venti red eye?? What was wrong with me?
Dr. E has finally helped me put my finger on it. Talking to her every couple of weeks for an hour has helped me discover what the problem is, why I should be happy and can't, why in the past I should have been sad and wasn't. Cyclothymic disorder. It's like a mild form of bipolar disorder. As a matter of fact, what clued me in was the article in People back in April about Catherine Zeta-Jones struggle with bipolar disorder. After I read the article, it was like the pieces of the puzzle finally started to fit.
I talked to DH and he read up on it a little and agreed the symptoms seemed to align with my behavior. I mentioned it to Dr. E and we explored the possibility that I was bipolar as opposed to dysthymic (like a mild form of depression). In the end, since my up moods were not extreme (no $10K spending sprees or gambling weekends), she settled on cyclothymic disorder for a diagnosis.
Diagnosis. A label. Some people would find having a diagnosed mental illness to be disturbing, shameful, embarrassing. I find it...relieving. Yes, there really is something wrong with me! (Pipe down over there, peanut gallery!) That doesn't mean I'm GLAD there's something wrong and I'm not going to use it as an excuse for bad behavior, but to know that there is something a little off in my brain that causes my mood to cycle up and down, well, it helps. If I'm aware of it, I can have some control over it. I've been working with Dr. E on ways to recognize my mood is going one way or the other and strategies to control it.
Yep. That's right. I said control. Dealing with a mental disorder is all about control. I can't control my brain chemicals, but I can control my behavior. I can exercise, I can have a routine, I can have a bedtime, I can limit alcohol, I can take a sleeping pill when I need it. I can recognize when I'm cycling up or down and not feed into the behaviors that go along with the up and down.
No more dragging out my entire closet onto my bed because I have to clean out my closet today. No more procrastination, which is an off-shoot of perfectionism. No more perfectionism, for that matter.
I wish I could figure out exactly what clicked yesterday. What made me realize my gauge had moved from empty to full? I'm looking around my house, and I'm still seeing my little fires that need to be put out. I'm going over my "to-do" list and there are still things that need to be done. That list will never be empty. Maybe that's what it is. The understanding that I will never get it all done, and it will never be perfect. But I can still get a lot of it done, and I can do my best. Not perfect.
Just...me.
Friday, June 24, 2011
I'm still here!! Really!
I've not fallen off the face of the earth, just took a little break. The kiddos are out of school and I've taken on a few more responsibilities at the bar, so it's a little difficult to blog. Plus NOS has become obsessed with some game on the internet and it's getting harder and harder to wrestle the computer away from him. He's getting big!! But I swear, I will be catching everyone up soon! Promise ;-)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Hurtful words and deeds
The past couple of days have been, well, just awful. I won't go into details, but let's just say DH and I have been tusslin like two cornfed farm boys over Mama's last biscuit. I think maybe, just maybe, we have finally buried the hatchet, and of course, something good has come out of the whole situation.
I came to realize I didn't really have my priorities in the right order. I am currently taking a break from Facebook and Twitter so maybe I can get back on track (although, when I post links I will have to get on there, but I won't look, Ma, I promise!!) This week I have unintentionally hurt people I really love and I don't have a good reason. But upon examining my actions, I realized I've got a lot of anger that I haven't dealt with. Now what on earth could I possibly be angry about? Haha, glad you asked. I'm angry because I feel like I've been let down by people who love me. But what have I done about it? I've suppressed it, pushed it way down, compressed it to the point that if it was a lump of coal it would be a diamond. I've ignored it to the point that I've done hurtful things to a couple of people, I think, subconsciously wanting to hurt them like they've hurt me.
I spent a couple of hours yesterday afternoon crying on the shoulder of my good friend BeBe and once I got it all out, she told me what she thought...that I've been depressed, probably because I have been through a lot the past year and haven't really dealt with it. And it's true. Yeah, I've blogged, but I often concentrate on the funny stuff or just putting info out there without really getting into my true feelings.
I don't blame the people who I felt have let me down. I think everyone gives exactly as much as they can when they can, and if that doesn't live up to my expectations, and I don't let them know, then it is my fault, not theirs. So I guess a lot of my anger comes back to myself. I'm angry that I haven't been able to express my needs and wants. I'm angry because I have felt like I can't burden anyone with my problems. I feel like I have "given it to God" so many times, and it helps for awhile, but sometimes I need a little feedback. I need someone else to say "I've got this," without it sounding like I'm a huge inconvenience to them. Maybe God has given me feedback and I've not been listening.
I'm angry with BFF because I feel like she started avoiding me after I got diagnosed. But you know what? I've never said a word. If I can't even talk to her and tell her how I feel, how good of friends are we? Instead, I blew her off and went out with other friends. I justified it to myself because I figured she wouldn't really miss me. I miscalculated badly. But I think, deep down, I just wanted to hurt her like she's hurt me. Or how I think she's hurt me. Because here's the thing...I've never once acted like I've had a problem. I've just smiled and gone on. I should not have done that. I should have said, hey, are you avoiding me? But I didn't want to upset her, Lord knows she's also had a lot going on in the past year. The last thing someone who is spread too thin needs is someone trying to get more attention.
I'm angry with DH too, because he's not been physically here with me through a lot of my illness. Again, not his fault. I've never said, can you please talk to your boss and see if you can take a few days off. When he flew in last month I wanted us to just spend his two days in St. Louis, just me and him. But I didn't say anything. Even if he hadn't have wanted to, I should have at least said that I wanted to.
So today, I plan to start rectifying the situation. I'm going to talk to BFF and DH, share how I feel, and listen to how they feel too. They are angry with me and have every right to be. But if we don't talk to each other and work it out, if we just keep burying our problems deeper and deeper, they are not going to resolve, they will only get worse. And eventually they will rear their ugly heads and make a minor thing turn into a big explosion. And I don't want that.
I came to realize I didn't really have my priorities in the right order. I am currently taking a break from Facebook and Twitter so maybe I can get back on track (although, when I post links I will have to get on there, but I won't look, Ma, I promise!!) This week I have unintentionally hurt people I really love and I don't have a good reason. But upon examining my actions, I realized I've got a lot of anger that I haven't dealt with. Now what on earth could I possibly be angry about? Haha, glad you asked. I'm angry because I feel like I've been let down by people who love me. But what have I done about it? I've suppressed it, pushed it way down, compressed it to the point that if it was a lump of coal it would be a diamond. I've ignored it to the point that I've done hurtful things to a couple of people, I think, subconsciously wanting to hurt them like they've hurt me.
I spent a couple of hours yesterday afternoon crying on the shoulder of my good friend BeBe and once I got it all out, she told me what she thought...that I've been depressed, probably because I have been through a lot the past year and haven't really dealt with it. And it's true. Yeah, I've blogged, but I often concentrate on the funny stuff or just putting info out there without really getting into my true feelings.
I don't blame the people who I felt have let me down. I think everyone gives exactly as much as they can when they can, and if that doesn't live up to my expectations, and I don't let them know, then it is my fault, not theirs. So I guess a lot of my anger comes back to myself. I'm angry that I haven't been able to express my needs and wants. I'm angry because I have felt like I can't burden anyone with my problems. I feel like I have "given it to God" so many times, and it helps for awhile, but sometimes I need a little feedback. I need someone else to say "I've got this," without it sounding like I'm a huge inconvenience to them. Maybe God has given me feedback and I've not been listening.
I'm angry with BFF because I feel like she started avoiding me after I got diagnosed. But you know what? I've never said a word. If I can't even talk to her and tell her how I feel, how good of friends are we? Instead, I blew her off and went out with other friends. I justified it to myself because I figured she wouldn't really miss me. I miscalculated badly. But I think, deep down, I just wanted to hurt her like she's hurt me. Or how I think she's hurt me. Because here's the thing...I've never once acted like I've had a problem. I've just smiled and gone on. I should not have done that. I should have said, hey, are you avoiding me? But I didn't want to upset her, Lord knows she's also had a lot going on in the past year. The last thing someone who is spread too thin needs is someone trying to get more attention.
I'm angry with DH too, because he's not been physically here with me through a lot of my illness. Again, not his fault. I've never said, can you please talk to your boss and see if you can take a few days off. When he flew in last month I wanted us to just spend his two days in St. Louis, just me and him. But I didn't say anything. Even if he hadn't have wanted to, I should have at least said that I wanted to.
So today, I plan to start rectifying the situation. I'm going to talk to BFF and DH, share how I feel, and listen to how they feel too. They are angry with me and have every right to be. But if we don't talk to each other and work it out, if we just keep burying our problems deeper and deeper, they are not going to resolve, they will only get worse. And eventually they will rear their ugly heads and make a minor thing turn into a big explosion. And I don't want that.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Rant!
Note: This is strictly my opinion. If you post things on Facebook that annoy the crap out of me on a regular basis, I don't defriend you unless I really don't know you or don't like you. I just take you off my NewsFeed so I don't have to be annoyed. And I know I've done some of these things before too.
I have profiles on both Twitter and Facebook and I use them very differently. I have gotten dinged on more than one occasion for griping about a person in my Facebook status, of course without saying who I'm talking about but giving enough information that they can figure it out. Or thinking I'm being clever and then someone thinks I'm talking about them and I'm really not. Twitter is much more anonymous...most of my Twitter followers do not know me personally, although I've actually made some friends of my followers. Kind of interesting how posting random crap and following a genre of music's bands and blogs can bring you to people you have something in common with. Probably more in common with than people you went to high school or college with. (That was sarcasm. If I'm friends with someone on Facebook, it's because I know them and like them. I think.)
Anyway, today's rant is about my social media time-wasters, as DH calls them, and how things people post on them annoy the crap out of me.
1. The copy and paste status, version 1. Whether it's sons' week, daughters' week, hairdressers' cousins' week, retarded Chihuahuas' (wait, is that an oxymoron?) week, at least 5 times a week someone is copying and pasting some BS status, probably because they think their son, daughter, hairdresser's cousin or retarded Chihuahua will be offended if they don't. I figure how you feel about any of these people at any given time is your business, and if you wanna share how you feel about them, you can tell them anytime, in a variety of ways...in person, via text message, in an e-mail, by skywriter or smoke signal. You can even send them a Hallmark card, but only if you care enough to send the very best. Most of us (OK, maybe I'm the only one) aren't that interested. I joined Facebook to share how awesome my life is, how incredibly smart and beautiful my kids are, how enormously successful I have been, and how I've put on about 50 pounds since high school. Plus the occasional pithy comment. And it's that kind of information I'm expecting to see when I creep on other people's profiles and read their status updates.
2. The copy and paste status, version 2. This one is a little more innocuous and I've been sucked in on more than one occasion. Usually it's a disease (cancer is a favorite) or perhaps a special needs group (special education week is quite common), but it's always something that you'd just have to be a supreme a-hole to not support. I mean, come on, who DOESN'T want a cure for diabetes? Who's gonna admit they stare at people who have 3 eyes? But guess what? Just because you don't copy and paste whatever crap it is this week in your status update doesn't mean you're against it! It just means you're against copying and pasting crap in your status update.
3. The raising awareness by...changing your picture to your favorite dog breed, putting your shoe size in your status, or whatever. I can't even think of anything right now. How does making Captain Cavemen my profile pic keep some dude in Alpena from beating his kid? Or putting my bra color in my status raise breast cancer awareness? What does "raising awareness" even mean anyway? I think we are all aware of the existence of cancer, autism, PETA and unemployed middle-aged actresses. The big question is, what are we going to do about it? I'm not sure Facebook is the best forum. Or I dunno, maybe it is. Maybe if we are aware of a disease we can cure it. Screw research, medicine and funding. And just because I don't jump on board doesn't mean I don't care.
4. The online petition. These have changed over the years, remember the ones that were chain e-mails that you typed your name at the bottom and then forwarded it to everyone in your inbox? Now you go to a website and it's supposed to go to where it says it will, unlike the e-mail ones that I often wondered what happened to them. My problem with petitions? You don't get an objective view of the issue, only the side the petiton-monger wants you to hear. My latest example and the subject that sent me over the edge is the petition on asking people to show their support for HB 669, a bill that would require doctors to inform breast cancer patients of all of their options before they undergo surgery. Now let me get this straight, there are women going into breast surgery who don't know what they are having done? Or they don't know there are a couple of different kinds of surgery, either of which may be appropriate, and they can have reconstruction? Are you freaking kidding me? What is the first thing nearly anyone is going to do when they get a devastating (or even minor) diagnosis? Do a little research! For heaven's sake, when I got the news given to me, they gave me handouts right then about breast cancer! Now I realize I have a healthcare background but come on, really, unless you can't read, there is no excuse for not looking into your treatment prior to getting your treatment! I visited two surgeons prior to my surgery and based on my mammogram and MRI, they both recommended the same treatment. They both mentioned lumpectomy and mastectomy and explained why a lumpectomy probably wouldn't work (since there was no LUMP!!) and told me about reconstruction options, even though a plastic surgeon would be the one doing it. For some reason I don't think my doctors were atypical. Really, the government is going to shut down in a week because there's no budget and we're fighting THREE wars but we need to pass a law making sure doctors...doctor???
And finally...
5. Being dirty for the sake of being dirty. I'm pretty "live and let live" but geez, I don't wanna read Tweets or status updates about any of your bodily functions or who you want to have sex with! Just because it pops into your head doesn't mean you have to share it.
One of these days I'm gonna get back to finishing my story...maybe tomorrow!
I have profiles on both Twitter and Facebook and I use them very differently. I have gotten dinged on more than one occasion for griping about a person in my Facebook status, of course without saying who I'm talking about but giving enough information that they can figure it out. Or thinking I'm being clever and then someone thinks I'm talking about them and I'm really not. Twitter is much more anonymous...most of my Twitter followers do not know me personally, although I've actually made some friends of my followers. Kind of interesting how posting random crap and following a genre of music's bands and blogs can bring you to people you have something in common with. Probably more in common with than people you went to high school or college with. (That was sarcasm. If I'm friends with someone on Facebook, it's because I know them and like them. I think.)
Anyway, today's rant is about my social media time-wasters, as DH calls them, and how things people post on them annoy the crap out of me.
1. The copy and paste status, version 1. Whether it's sons' week, daughters' week, hairdressers' cousins' week, retarded Chihuahuas' (wait, is that an oxymoron?) week, at least 5 times a week someone is copying and pasting some BS status, probably because they think their son, daughter, hairdresser's cousin or retarded Chihuahua will be offended if they don't. I figure how you feel about any of these people at any given time is your business, and if you wanna share how you feel about them, you can tell them anytime, in a variety of ways...in person, via text message, in an e-mail, by skywriter or smoke signal. You can even send them a Hallmark card, but only if you care enough to send the very best. Most of us (OK, maybe I'm the only one) aren't that interested. I joined Facebook to share how awesome my life is, how incredibly smart and beautiful my kids are, how enormously successful I have been, and how I've put on about 50 pounds since high school. Plus the occasional pithy comment. And it's that kind of information I'm expecting to see when I creep on other people's profiles and read their status updates.
2. The copy and paste status, version 2. This one is a little more innocuous and I've been sucked in on more than one occasion. Usually it's a disease (cancer is a favorite) or perhaps a special needs group (special education week is quite common), but it's always something that you'd just have to be a supreme a-hole to not support. I mean, come on, who DOESN'T want a cure for diabetes? Who's gonna admit they stare at people who have 3 eyes? But guess what? Just because you don't copy and paste whatever crap it is this week in your status update doesn't mean you're against it! It just means you're against copying and pasting crap in your status update.
3. The raising awareness by...changing your picture to your favorite dog breed, putting your shoe size in your status, or whatever. I can't even think of anything right now. How does making Captain Cavemen my profile pic keep some dude in Alpena from beating his kid? Or putting my bra color in my status raise breast cancer awareness? What does "raising awareness" even mean anyway? I think we are all aware of the existence of cancer, autism, PETA and unemployed middle-aged actresses. The big question is, what are we going to do about it? I'm not sure Facebook is the best forum. Or I dunno, maybe it is. Maybe if we are aware of a disease we can cure it. Screw research, medicine and funding. And just because I don't jump on board doesn't mean I don't care.
4. The online petition. These have changed over the years, remember the ones that were chain e-mails that you typed your name at the bottom and then forwarded it to everyone in your inbox? Now you go to a website and it's supposed to go to where it says it will, unlike the e-mail ones that I often wondered what happened to them. My problem with petitions? You don't get an objective view of the issue, only the side the petiton-monger wants you to hear. My latest example and the subject that sent me over the edge is the petition on asking people to show their support for HB 669, a bill that would require doctors to inform breast cancer patients of all of their options before they undergo surgery. Now let me get this straight, there are women going into breast surgery who don't know what they are having done? Or they don't know there are a couple of different kinds of surgery, either of which may be appropriate, and they can have reconstruction? Are you freaking kidding me? What is the first thing nearly anyone is going to do when they get a devastating (or even minor) diagnosis? Do a little research! For heaven's sake, when I got the news given to me, they gave me handouts right then about breast cancer! Now I realize I have a healthcare background but come on, really, unless you can't read, there is no excuse for not looking into your treatment prior to getting your treatment! I visited two surgeons prior to my surgery and based on my mammogram and MRI, they both recommended the same treatment. They both mentioned lumpectomy and mastectomy and explained why a lumpectomy probably wouldn't work (since there was no LUMP!!) and told me about reconstruction options, even though a plastic surgeon would be the one doing it. For some reason I don't think my doctors were atypical. Really, the government is going to shut down in a week because there's no budget and we're fighting THREE wars but we need to pass a law making sure doctors...doctor???
And finally...
5. Being dirty for the sake of being dirty. I'm pretty "live and let live" but geez, I don't wanna read Tweets or status updates about any of your bodily functions or who you want to have sex with! Just because it pops into your head doesn't mean you have to share it.
One of these days I'm gonna get back to finishing my story...maybe tomorrow!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Me and my big ol' mouth, health update, St. Paddy's
You'd think in 37 years I'd learn when to keep my mouth shut. Well, I kind of have, except when it comes to my Facebook. Sometimes when I'm aggravated about something I spout off on Facebook, not thinking that there are over 500 people who may see it and read something into it. Or figure I'm talking about them. I really gotta learn to Tweet my annoyance rather than Facebook it. Or maybe I should just keep it to myself.
My appointments at Siteman went well last week. I see my oncologist again in three months, my plastic surgeon again in six weeks and my breast surgeon in a year. All my labs were back to normal, my weight was pretty stable, my incisions from my implants looked good, my bone density was within normal limits, and Dr. M (breast surgeon) told me how to find a recurrence. Thank God, because I've been wondering about that for six months and never thought to ask.
So how does a woman who's had a bilateral mastectomy determine if her breast cancer has recurred? Well, the implants are under the pectoralis muscle, so if the cancer comes back, it will be a lump on my breast. So I still am supposed to do monthly breast exams! And if there's distant metastasis, well, you find that the same way you'd find it otherwise.
Pinup Barber and I had a lot of fun in St. Louis. We had awesome bar food for lunch (reubens, curly fries and bleu cheese chips...sinful!!) and sushi for dinner. For dessert, cosmopolitans (Pinup Barber), Smithwick's (me) and a couple of Purple Hooters (which we had never heard of before, but they were good). All the drinks were consumed at the bar adjacent to the hotel so we didn't have to worry about driving. Pinup Barber prank called her husband after we got back to the room. It was pretty funny. At least I thought so. I guess we were cold when we got back so we turned on the heat, but I woke up at like three AM and I swear it was 80 degrees in there! So I turned on the air and it was much more like it. I think we've both gotten used to husbands who freeze us out.
We found the coolest little store Tuesday and we both bought a ton of clothes, shoes and jewelry. They had their boots on clearance and we both got cute new boots. I also got some ridiculous 5 inch platform wedges. I've worn them once and fell down twice before I left the house, but managed to stay upright in public. I should probably only wear them when I'm the designated driver though. I also expanded my large earring collection. With hair as short as mine, I've gotta make sure it's obvious which team I play for.
I got a sweet surprise Wednesday...DH got to come home for about a day and a half! He texted me and asked me to look for a cheap flight when I got home, but by the time I got home to look for one he had already booked it and e-mailed me his itinerary. He flew into St. Louis...three hour drive up to get him but totally worth it :-) And he did drive most of the way back home.
I was so glad he made it home for St. Paddy's so we could wear our matching kilts. Well, kind of matching...when girls wear kilts they are supposed to fall below the knee and mens' are supposed to be at or slightly above the knee. Besides the matching vintage Captain America motorcycle helmets, we are not a matchy-matchy couple. I honestly even try not to wear our bar shirts at the same time he does unless we are representing. But we do make a few exceptions. I fished out my new Guinness shirt and a green belt just in case someone didn't notice our bar name embroidered in green on my kilt. I couldn't find my shamrock knee socks so I just wore flip flops...now that's quite a statement huh?
For St. Paddy's we got matching tattoos!! Yep we went with our best friends and we all got a little four-leaf clover. And it looks like I'll be wearing flip-flops a lot for the next couple of weeks since I got mine on my left foot! Everyone else got theirs incorporated into their sleeves, but I don't have a sleeve. Probably never will either...not sure I could get away with that as a nurse. And I'm so hot-natured since I've been in my chemically induced menopause that I'd die if I had to wear a long-sleeve shirt under my scrubs to cover my tattoos. So I'll stick with tattooing areas that are hidden by business casual...
Our St. Paddy's party was an absolute blast. The bar was packed and everyone raved about C's corned beef and cabbage and potatoes. She corned the beef herself instead of using pre-made corned beef. I think it was all gone before the second band even started and I'll bet less than half the people there ate. The bands were incredible and the turnout was just awesome. Thank goodness the weather cooperated. Since St. Paddy's was on Thursday and our bike nights are on Thursdays, we went ahead and kicked off the bike night season! And I believe we had one of our best nights ever!!
It was fun hanging out with everyone, but with DH home I just wanted to keep him to myself. Once I was able to hand off the food donation stuff to someone else, I hunted him down and tried my best to stay stuck to him for the rest of the night. I almost wish we would have just stayed in St. Louis in a hotel and I could have had him all to myself!! But that wouldn't have been fair to the kids or our friends...they all miss him too when he's gone.
The little ones went with me to take DH to the airport to go back to work. After four hours in the car, I knew they needed a break, so we did a little shopping. Springfield has lots of good places to shop, so when I shop in St. Louis I try to go to places we don't have here. We went to Trader Joe's, a beauty supply store, and World Market. I picked up a few cool things and got a new wine to try from Trader Joe's and some new coffee and funny birthday cards at World Market. I also got some good bedroom ideas from World Market, although I don't thing they sell what I want but I can probably get it made by a friend who builds furniture.
Before we hit the road, we hit Romano's Macaroni Grill. It's been awhile since I've eaten at one. I think the last time was during a PTA convention. Oh my goodness it was so good!! BabyBoy loved the bread dipped in olive oil and pepper. Ms. Thang didn't like it though. I really missed DH being there though. It made me remember when we used to drive to Tulsa just for dinner and to wander around the mall for an hour or so. Or that record store and head shop. I wish I could remember the name of that place. Anyway, when we ate at Macaroni Grill in Tulsa, they had a waitress or hostess or something that sang opera arias during dinner. It was amazing...both the food and the singing. Neither of us are big opera fans but we were blown away by that girl's voice. The kids got a kick out of drawing on the butcher paper on the table. I paid with cash and the waiter accidentally gave me back $5 too much in change. When I realized it, I added it to his tip, but I didn't want him to think I'd left him a huge tip so I left him a note about the change too. I'm glad I noticed, I would have felt bad if I'd figured it out later.
I got a call about another study that I think I'm going to enroll in. This will make four now! But I think this one will be beneficial to both me and research. It's a study about diet and exercise modification and weight loss for breast cancer survivors. They are looking at recurrence rates. I am just overweight enough to qualify. I go in a couple of weeks for my initial labs, measurements and a fitness test. LOL I'm gonna be in trouble! But I can't start losing yet or I won't qualify for the study when I go for my appointment.
My Twitter buddies are meeting up tonight in Gruene, TX and I'm so jealous! I wanna go! I guess I will have to catch up with them next time. I'm not a huge Roger Creager fan so I can't see driving that far to see him...I'm not sure I'd cross the street! OK I probably would cross the street, but only if it wasn't busy. And if they were serving Shiner.
Hmmm, well, what else is there? I can't believe the kids' spring break is already over. I was hoping we could get out of town but I guess that's going to have to wait till school is out. I really need DH to work somewhere with a beach...
Alright, that's it, I'm beyond sleepy and going to bed!!
My appointments at Siteman went well last week. I see my oncologist again in three months, my plastic surgeon again in six weeks and my breast surgeon in a year. All my labs were back to normal, my weight was pretty stable, my incisions from my implants looked good, my bone density was within normal limits, and Dr. M (breast surgeon) told me how to find a recurrence. Thank God, because I've been wondering about that for six months and never thought to ask.
So how does a woman who's had a bilateral mastectomy determine if her breast cancer has recurred? Well, the implants are under the pectoralis muscle, so if the cancer comes back, it will be a lump on my breast. So I still am supposed to do monthly breast exams! And if there's distant metastasis, well, you find that the same way you'd find it otherwise.
Pinup Barber and I had a lot of fun in St. Louis. We had awesome bar food for lunch (reubens, curly fries and bleu cheese chips...sinful!!) and sushi for dinner. For dessert, cosmopolitans (Pinup Barber), Smithwick's (me) and a couple of Purple Hooters (which we had never heard of before, but they were good). All the drinks were consumed at the bar adjacent to the hotel so we didn't have to worry about driving. Pinup Barber prank called her husband after we got back to the room. It was pretty funny. At least I thought so. I guess we were cold when we got back so we turned on the heat, but I woke up at like three AM and I swear it was 80 degrees in there! So I turned on the air and it was much more like it. I think we've both gotten used to husbands who freeze us out.
We found the coolest little store Tuesday and we both bought a ton of clothes, shoes and jewelry. They had their boots on clearance and we both got cute new boots. I also got some ridiculous 5 inch platform wedges. I've worn them once and fell down twice before I left the house, but managed to stay upright in public. I should probably only wear them when I'm the designated driver though. I also expanded my large earring collection. With hair as short as mine, I've gotta make sure it's obvious which team I play for.
I got a sweet surprise Wednesday...DH got to come home for about a day and a half! He texted me and asked me to look for a cheap flight when I got home, but by the time I got home to look for one he had already booked it and e-mailed me his itinerary. He flew into St. Louis...three hour drive up to get him but totally worth it :-) And he did drive most of the way back home.
I was so glad he made it home for St. Paddy's so we could wear our matching kilts. Well, kind of matching...when girls wear kilts they are supposed to fall below the knee and mens' are supposed to be at or slightly above the knee. Besides the matching vintage Captain America motorcycle helmets, we are not a matchy-matchy couple. I honestly even try not to wear our bar shirts at the same time he does unless we are representing. But we do make a few exceptions. I fished out my new Guinness shirt and a green belt just in case someone didn't notice our bar name embroidered in green on my kilt. I couldn't find my shamrock knee socks so I just wore flip flops...now that's quite a statement huh?
For St. Paddy's we got matching tattoos!! Yep we went with our best friends and we all got a little four-leaf clover. And it looks like I'll be wearing flip-flops a lot for the next couple of weeks since I got mine on my left foot! Everyone else got theirs incorporated into their sleeves, but I don't have a sleeve. Probably never will either...not sure I could get away with that as a nurse. And I'm so hot-natured since I've been in my chemically induced menopause that I'd die if I had to wear a long-sleeve shirt under my scrubs to cover my tattoos. So I'll stick with tattooing areas that are hidden by business casual...
Our St. Paddy's party was an absolute blast. The bar was packed and everyone raved about C's corned beef and cabbage and potatoes. She corned the beef herself instead of using pre-made corned beef. I think it was all gone before the second band even started and I'll bet less than half the people there ate. The bands were incredible and the turnout was just awesome. Thank goodness the weather cooperated. Since St. Paddy's was on Thursday and our bike nights are on Thursdays, we went ahead and kicked off the bike night season! And I believe we had one of our best nights ever!!
It was fun hanging out with everyone, but with DH home I just wanted to keep him to myself. Once I was able to hand off the food donation stuff to someone else, I hunted him down and tried my best to stay stuck to him for the rest of the night. I almost wish we would have just stayed in St. Louis in a hotel and I could have had him all to myself!! But that wouldn't have been fair to the kids or our friends...they all miss him too when he's gone.
The little ones went with me to take DH to the airport to go back to work. After four hours in the car, I knew they needed a break, so we did a little shopping. Springfield has lots of good places to shop, so when I shop in St. Louis I try to go to places we don't have here. We went to Trader Joe's, a beauty supply store, and World Market. I picked up a few cool things and got a new wine to try from Trader Joe's and some new coffee and funny birthday cards at World Market. I also got some good bedroom ideas from World Market, although I don't thing they sell what I want but I can probably get it made by a friend who builds furniture.
Before we hit the road, we hit Romano's Macaroni Grill. It's been awhile since I've eaten at one. I think the last time was during a PTA convention. Oh my goodness it was so good!! BabyBoy loved the bread dipped in olive oil and pepper. Ms. Thang didn't like it though. I really missed DH being there though. It made me remember when we used to drive to Tulsa just for dinner and to wander around the mall for an hour or so. Or that record store and head shop. I wish I could remember the name of that place. Anyway, when we ate at Macaroni Grill in Tulsa, they had a waitress or hostess or something that sang opera arias during dinner. It was amazing...both the food and the singing. Neither of us are big opera fans but we were blown away by that girl's voice. The kids got a kick out of drawing on the butcher paper on the table. I paid with cash and the waiter accidentally gave me back $5 too much in change. When I realized it, I added it to his tip, but I didn't want him to think I'd left him a huge tip so I left him a note about the change too. I'm glad I noticed, I would have felt bad if I'd figured it out later.
I got a call about another study that I think I'm going to enroll in. This will make four now! But I think this one will be beneficial to both me and research. It's a study about diet and exercise modification and weight loss for breast cancer survivors. They are looking at recurrence rates. I am just overweight enough to qualify. I go in a couple of weeks for my initial labs, measurements and a fitness test. LOL I'm gonna be in trouble! But I can't start losing yet or I won't qualify for the study when I go for my appointment.
My Twitter buddies are meeting up tonight in Gruene, TX and I'm so jealous! I wanna go! I guess I will have to catch up with them next time. I'm not a huge Roger Creager fan so I can't see driving that far to see him...I'm not sure I'd cross the street! OK I probably would cross the street, but only if it wasn't busy. And if they were serving Shiner.
Hmmm, well, what else is there? I can't believe the kids' spring break is already over. I was hoping we could get out of town but I guess that's going to have to wait till school is out. I really need DH to work somewhere with a beach...
Alright, that's it, I'm beyond sleepy and going to bed!!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Just another quickie!!
There's lots going on that I have plenty of opinions on, but I will just have to get into that later. I have way too much going on, so I'm just gonna hit the highlights.
I finally got a really good night's sleep last night and was awake around 7 feeling well rested! I hope this trend continues because I really need to get back on a decent schedule. I figured out yesterday that my allergies are acting up so maybe if I start taking my Zyrtec it will help.
Good time at the bar last night. It had been awhile. Can't wait to start up our bike nights again. Gotta remember to ask my doctors when it's OK for me to ride again.
Headed to doctors' appointments at Siteman next week with Pinup Barber. I will be seeing the oncologist, the breast surgeon, and the plastic surgeon and having lab work and a bone density test. I hope I get a clean bill of health!!
Getting my first spray tan today so I need to go exfoliate and shave my legs. Maybe a little color will help motivate me to get the rest of my body in shape for swimsuit season. Boobs are already perfect!!
I'm out!
I finally got a really good night's sleep last night and was awake around 7 feeling well rested! I hope this trend continues because I really need to get back on a decent schedule. I figured out yesterday that my allergies are acting up so maybe if I start taking my Zyrtec it will help.
Good time at the bar last night. It had been awhile. Can't wait to start up our bike nights again. Gotta remember to ask my doctors when it's OK for me to ride again.
Headed to doctors' appointments at Siteman next week with Pinup Barber. I will be seeing the oncologist, the breast surgeon, and the plastic surgeon and having lab work and a bone density test. I hope I get a clean bill of health!!
Getting my first spray tan today so I need to go exfoliate and shave my legs. Maybe a little color will help motivate me to get the rest of my body in shape for swimsuit season. Boobs are already perfect!!
I'm out!
Monday, February 28, 2011
The more I try, the behinder I get
So much for my resolve to blog more this year...and there's no way I can catch up in one post, so I'll just begin with recent events and eventually work my way through the whole story. It's 2 am and I'm still up because we have a tornado watch and we've had a couple of instances where the storm sirens didn't go off. Usually DH is on stay up half the night until the bad weather has passed duty, but he was falling asleep at 10 pm so I agreed to stay up. I was getting ready to go to bed when Ms. Thang came downstairs crying because she couldn't sleep. Now I personally think thunderstorms are the best sleeping weather but I guess if you're afraid your house is gonna get blown away you might have a little insomnia. So she's laying on the couch, asleep finally, and after talking to several people on Facebook about different things...softball, gay adoption, and getting ripped off at a bar, I am WIDE. FREAKING. AWAKE. So here we are.
The past few months have been something of a whirlwind. Two of my nursing school besties traveled north to help me out at the end of January. I figured they just wanted to come visit and hang out, but nope, we cleaned house. Literally. I took 8 lawn size garbage bags of stuff to Goodwill and threw away at least that many more. We moved furniture, mopped, dusted, vacuumed, straightened, organized, sorted, and on and on and on. And it was a blast. I have never had so much fun cleaning in my life. It's amazing that the bond we formed in nursing school is still so strong that we can drop what we are doing and help each other out when necessary. I only hope someday I can repay the kindness.
This past Thursday I had my tissue expanders in my chest replaced with silicone implants. It was an outpatient procedure, I think we were at the hospital for a total of 6 hours. We stayed the night before and the night after in St. Louis so we'd be close to the hospital if something were to go wrong. But everything went just fine and we drove back Friday.
Do you know anyone that if something bad can happen to them it will happen? Not like tragic, but just stupid. Like if there's a 10% chance of having a side effect of a drug it will happen to them? Yeah, well, if you couldn't think of anyone, then yeah, it's me. My nurse friends will understand this for sure. It seems that my body has developed an allergy to just about every antibiotic I've ever taken. When I had my previous surgery, remember, they gave me clindamycin and steroids and the steroids masked the clindamycin allergy for several days. So since I'm allergic to the pre-op antibiotics they normally give, they gave me vancomycin instead. Now I've given a ton of vanc over the years and I know to give it slowly, usually over 90 to 120 minutes. However, I did not have my nurse hat on that morning, only my patient hat, so when they mixed it and hung it and piggybacked it into my IV fluids and used dial-a-flow tubing to 250 ml per hour. It was mixed in a 250 ml bag so I would get all of it in an hour. Only...I didn't. I got it in more like 30 minutes. Ever heard of red-man syndrome? I was laying there and my head started itching severely. I thought it was the little surgical cap so I took it off and I was just clawing at my head. My doctor walked in and asked DH, is she normally this red? He said no. The the doctor said, oh I bet it's the vanc, let's slow it down. And he reached up to turn it down and it was all infused. My face and upper chest were severely flushed and it's finally starting to fade today. He told the nurse to have anesthesia give me some benedryl. I've given a lot of benedryl over the years too, and you're supposed to dilute it and push it slowly. Now I know why. It felt like my arm was on fire when she pushed it. I even complained and she didn't even slow down. For a minute I thought the IV had blown and I had an armful of vanc. Then she turned up the IV fluids and gave me the versed and that shut me up!
I vaguely remember moving from the stretcher over to the table in the OR. They started getting me positioned and had my arms strapped down and my nose and head were itching. So I wiggled my left arm out so I could scratch. I don't think they liked that much and they put the mask on my face and gave me more drugs so I would cooperate! The next thing I knew I was in recovery. I drank some diet Pepsi and ate some vanilla wafers, walked to the bathroom to pee, then got dressed and left.
Dr. B said I have to wear an underwire bra and a belt above my boobs for the next 30 days. Well I guess now it's 26 days. In any case, OUCH!! I couldn't wear an underwire after my first surgery so I had gotten used to a softer type of bra. Or sometimes just a tank top under my t-shirt. So putting hardware back in there plus a belt on top, well, let's just say it's not the most comfortable feeling. But it is nice to have boobs that don't feel like boulders sitting under my chin anymore. And I'm sure the time will fly by quickly since I'm pretty busy the next few weeks.
DH says my diet is crap and I've got to start eating better. I take vitamins, doesn't that count? OK fine, I'll eat more veggies and less fast food. I'm feeling better so I should be able to get back in the habit of cooking most of the time. I do like to cook, but it can be a lot of work, especially the clean up. But I know I need to take better care of myself and my family so we can all live for a good long time.
Well I have more to say but I think it's gonna have to wait for another day. I'm getting sleepy now and Ms. Thang is out!!
The past few months have been something of a whirlwind. Two of my nursing school besties traveled north to help me out at the end of January. I figured they just wanted to come visit and hang out, but nope, we cleaned house. Literally. I took 8 lawn size garbage bags of stuff to Goodwill and threw away at least that many more. We moved furniture, mopped, dusted, vacuumed, straightened, organized, sorted, and on and on and on. And it was a blast. I have never had so much fun cleaning in my life. It's amazing that the bond we formed in nursing school is still so strong that we can drop what we are doing and help each other out when necessary. I only hope someday I can repay the kindness.
This past Thursday I had my tissue expanders in my chest replaced with silicone implants. It was an outpatient procedure, I think we were at the hospital for a total of 6 hours. We stayed the night before and the night after in St. Louis so we'd be close to the hospital if something were to go wrong. But everything went just fine and we drove back Friday.
Do you know anyone that if something bad can happen to them it will happen? Not like tragic, but just stupid. Like if there's a 10% chance of having a side effect of a drug it will happen to them? Yeah, well, if you couldn't think of anyone, then yeah, it's me. My nurse friends will understand this for sure. It seems that my body has developed an allergy to just about every antibiotic I've ever taken. When I had my previous surgery, remember, they gave me clindamycin and steroids and the steroids masked the clindamycin allergy for several days. So since I'm allergic to the pre-op antibiotics they normally give, they gave me vancomycin instead. Now I've given a ton of vanc over the years and I know to give it slowly, usually over 90 to 120 minutes. However, I did not have my nurse hat on that morning, only my patient hat, so when they mixed it and hung it and piggybacked it into my IV fluids and used dial-a-flow tubing to 250 ml per hour. It was mixed in a 250 ml bag so I would get all of it in an hour. Only...I didn't. I got it in more like 30 minutes. Ever heard of red-man syndrome? I was laying there and my head started itching severely. I thought it was the little surgical cap so I took it off and I was just clawing at my head. My doctor walked in and asked DH, is she normally this red? He said no. The the doctor said, oh I bet it's the vanc, let's slow it down. And he reached up to turn it down and it was all infused. My face and upper chest were severely flushed and it's finally starting to fade today. He told the nurse to have anesthesia give me some benedryl. I've given a lot of benedryl over the years too, and you're supposed to dilute it and push it slowly. Now I know why. It felt like my arm was on fire when she pushed it. I even complained and she didn't even slow down. For a minute I thought the IV had blown and I had an armful of vanc. Then she turned up the IV fluids and gave me the versed and that shut me up!
I vaguely remember moving from the stretcher over to the table in the OR. They started getting me positioned and had my arms strapped down and my nose and head were itching. So I wiggled my left arm out so I could scratch. I don't think they liked that much and they put the mask on my face and gave me more drugs so I would cooperate! The next thing I knew I was in recovery. I drank some diet Pepsi and ate some vanilla wafers, walked to the bathroom to pee, then got dressed and left.
Dr. B said I have to wear an underwire bra and a belt above my boobs for the next 30 days. Well I guess now it's 26 days. In any case, OUCH!! I couldn't wear an underwire after my first surgery so I had gotten used to a softer type of bra. Or sometimes just a tank top under my t-shirt. So putting hardware back in there plus a belt on top, well, let's just say it's not the most comfortable feeling. But it is nice to have boobs that don't feel like boulders sitting under my chin anymore. And I'm sure the time will fly by quickly since I'm pretty busy the next few weeks.
DH says my diet is crap and I've got to start eating better. I take vitamins, doesn't that count? OK fine, I'll eat more veggies and less fast food. I'm feeling better so I should be able to get back in the habit of cooking most of the time. I do like to cook, but it can be a lot of work, especially the clean up. But I know I need to take better care of myself and my family so we can all live for a good long time.
Well I have more to say but I think it's gonna have to wait for another day. I'm getting sleepy now and Ms. Thang is out!!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Resolve
Well, my unstated resolution for 2011 was to update my blog more often. Looking back over my posts over the past several months, I've noticed a pattern. When things are going badly, I blog a lot. When they are going good, not so much. So this year I'm going to try to blog during both good and bad times and see if it doesn't seem more balanced.
So, what is today? A good day or a bad day? Well, a little of both I guess. The kiddos are back in school and things are kind of getting back to normal around here. I say kind of because DH is still at home and I'm not really sure when he's supposed to go back to work. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE having him home, but he's kind of a bad influence on me. He makes me wanna sit around and watch movies and hang out and talk and not do housework or errands or clean out the humongous piles of crap (not literal crap, just random stuff) in my bedroom and laundry room and closets and then kids' rooms (see a pattern here?). So right now my furniture is all askew, all the bedrooms are a wreck, and there's probably 17 loads of laundry to be done. I guess we have been making up for time spent apart and I guess all that crap will still be there when he goes back to work. The only problem is I have company coming in a couple of weeks and I don't want them to think I live like this!! So I've got to get some motivation going and get at least some of it straightened up. It will probably help my frame of mind too.
I'm a little worried about DH. I know he stresses about money when he's not working. I do too, that's why I paid some bills early last month because I knew he'd be off. I don't want him to worry though. The past year has taught me so much how God truly does provide. Maybe not everything you want, but certainly everything you need. I lost my job, DH got one that paid way better than mine so we're in a better place financially. I lost my insurance and got cancer, I got MOHealthnet that covers more and allowed me to go to better physicians at a top cancer center instead of the local hospital that was the only option on my employer's insurance. I had something of a strained relationship with my parents, but they came through and helped us out of the love that was always there and I've been more open with them without feeling rejected because some of my actions and beliefs are different from theirs. Now we have a better relationship and I don't feel like I'm hiding things anymore. I thought I had it all together, but no one has it all together and everyone needs help from time to time. I leaned on friends and family for support and meals and help with housework and I discovered some amazing friends that I maybe had overlooked. I found that some friends that I thought would always be there for me really weren't all that great but they were doing the best they can. I started seeing people for what they are...some are self-absorbed and some are not...some are there at the drop of a hat and some will tell you they will be but then leave you high and dry.
Having a serious illness opened my eyes to see through a lot of bullshit. Maybe that's not the nicest way to put it but it's real, for God's sake. There are a lot of phony people in the world, people who are all talk and no action. People waste a lot of time gossiping and judging when what they should be doing is loving and helping and praying. I know over the past several months I've had a lot of people praying for me and my family. Probably a lot of those people I don't even know, but they still took the time to pray for a young mother's healing and survival and for my children's well-being. Some of that prayer was also backed up by action...meals, gift cards, help with travel expenses, driving me to chemo, helping out with child care, taking kids back and forth to school and football, cleaning my house, cleaning out my fridge, and so many other actions that I can't think of right now. My cup truly runneth over.
Cancer also made me take a look at who I truly am, not just what people see. Is the image I project the real me? It should be, and I am trying very hard to make sure that it is. I am not the same girl I was when I was 10 or 20 or even 30. I am changing and growing all the time. Why do I wear the clothes I wear or style my hair a certain way? Do I really like it or am I doing it because it's the fashion or to please someone else? What about my make-up, jewelry, tattoos, and head coverings? All these things reflect me, the real me, not the "me" that other people may want me to be but the one who is evolving every day. And my words...are they real or fake? Do I mean what I say and say what I mean? I hope so...I'm trying every day. I may not be going to church right now but I do pray a lot. And I try to be me...just me...imperfect, wart and all.
And now, the real me has to go pick BabyBoy up from school!
So, what is today? A good day or a bad day? Well, a little of both I guess. The kiddos are back in school and things are kind of getting back to normal around here. I say kind of because DH is still at home and I'm not really sure when he's supposed to go back to work. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE having him home, but he's kind of a bad influence on me. He makes me wanna sit around and watch movies and hang out and talk and not do housework or errands or clean out the humongous piles of crap (not literal crap, just random stuff) in my bedroom and laundry room and closets and then kids' rooms (see a pattern here?). So right now my furniture is all askew, all the bedrooms are a wreck, and there's probably 17 loads of laundry to be done. I guess we have been making up for time spent apart and I guess all that crap will still be there when he goes back to work. The only problem is I have company coming in a couple of weeks and I don't want them to think I live like this!! So I've got to get some motivation going and get at least some of it straightened up. It will probably help my frame of mind too.
I'm a little worried about DH. I know he stresses about money when he's not working. I do too, that's why I paid some bills early last month because I knew he'd be off. I don't want him to worry though. The past year has taught me so much how God truly does provide. Maybe not everything you want, but certainly everything you need. I lost my job, DH got one that paid way better than mine so we're in a better place financially. I lost my insurance and got cancer, I got MOHealthnet that covers more and allowed me to go to better physicians at a top cancer center instead of the local hospital that was the only option on my employer's insurance. I had something of a strained relationship with my parents, but they came through and helped us out of the love that was always there and I've been more open with them without feeling rejected because some of my actions and beliefs are different from theirs. Now we have a better relationship and I don't feel like I'm hiding things anymore. I thought I had it all together, but no one has it all together and everyone needs help from time to time. I leaned on friends and family for support and meals and help with housework and I discovered some amazing friends that I maybe had overlooked. I found that some friends that I thought would always be there for me really weren't all that great but they were doing the best they can. I started seeing people for what they are...some are self-absorbed and some are not...some are there at the drop of a hat and some will tell you they will be but then leave you high and dry.
Having a serious illness opened my eyes to see through a lot of bullshit. Maybe that's not the nicest way to put it but it's real, for God's sake. There are a lot of phony people in the world, people who are all talk and no action. People waste a lot of time gossiping and judging when what they should be doing is loving and helping and praying. I know over the past several months I've had a lot of people praying for me and my family. Probably a lot of those people I don't even know, but they still took the time to pray for a young mother's healing and survival and for my children's well-being. Some of that prayer was also backed up by action...meals, gift cards, help with travel expenses, driving me to chemo, helping out with child care, taking kids back and forth to school and football, cleaning my house, cleaning out my fridge, and so many other actions that I can't think of right now. My cup truly runneth over.
Cancer also made me take a look at who I truly am, not just what people see. Is the image I project the real me? It should be, and I am trying very hard to make sure that it is. I am not the same girl I was when I was 10 or 20 or even 30. I am changing and growing all the time. Why do I wear the clothes I wear or style my hair a certain way? Do I really like it or am I doing it because it's the fashion or to please someone else? What about my make-up, jewelry, tattoos, and head coverings? All these things reflect me, the real me, not the "me" that other people may want me to be but the one who is evolving every day. And my words...are they real or fake? Do I mean what I say and say what I mean? I hope so...I'm trying every day. I may not be going to church right now but I do pray a lot. And I try to be me...just me...imperfect, wart and all.
And now, the real me has to go pick BabyBoy up from school!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
new year...new post!
We had a good time last night for New Years. DH and I celebrated at our bar. The nice thing about owning your own place is when you close you can kick everyone out and then hang out. Which is what we did last night. It was cool to just visit with BFF and BD for awhile last night. OK technically early this morning.
I've been pondering New Year's resolutions for a couple of weeks and I still haven't decided if I'm gonna make any. Usually it's just a setup for epic fail. Maybe my resolution should be not to make resolutions. In any case, I do have some big plans for the new year. I'm not sure exactly what they are but when I come up with them I will let you know.
Right now I'm trying to decide whether to make my own birthday cake or send DH out to the store to buy one. I'm leaning toward making my own...I have a bundt cake pan that I haven't used in quite a while. I even got it out and looked at it yesterday. When DH asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I told him to just take the kids to the store and let them pick out something. I'm kind of anxious to open my presents and see how they did.
So far 37 feels strangely similar to 36. My back hurts this morning but it's been hurting for several days so I don't think it's age related. I've gotten a ton of happy birthdays on my Facebook and phone and I appreciate every one of them.
Alrighty, then. Time to head upstairs and get the cake going. I will have to send poor DH out for some black eyed peas for good luck!
I've been pondering New Year's resolutions for a couple of weeks and I still haven't decided if I'm gonna make any. Usually it's just a setup for epic fail. Maybe my resolution should be not to make resolutions. In any case, I do have some big plans for the new year. I'm not sure exactly what they are but when I come up with them I will let you know.
Right now I'm trying to decide whether to make my own birthday cake or send DH out to the store to buy one. I'm leaning toward making my own...I have a bundt cake pan that I haven't used in quite a while. I even got it out and looked at it yesterday. When DH asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I told him to just take the kids to the store and let them pick out something. I'm kind of anxious to open my presents and see how they did.
So far 37 feels strangely similar to 36. My back hurts this morning but it's been hurting for several days so I don't think it's age related. I've gotten a ton of happy birthdays on my Facebook and phone and I appreciate every one of them.
Alrighty, then. Time to head upstairs and get the cake going. I will have to send poor DH out for some black eyed peas for good luck!
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