So what's new with you?

OK so I got the call yesterday morning that I have an appointment at Siteman next Tuesday. Still working out all the arrangements of who's going with me and who's watching the kids, etc. Number1Son's finally over being sick, I think, and Miss Thang threw up on my dirty clothes in the bathroom floor this morning. I guess that's what I get for being a slob. Oh well, at least she didn't throw up in the basket of clean clothes in the hallway on her way to the bathroom, right?

Rough day yesterday...called my dear MIL and asked if I could bring the kids down to stay a couple of days...house was a mess, no motivation to do anything about it, no groceries but who cares I don't feel like eating anyway. I guess you could say I've not been a very good mom the past few days. Anyway, MIL has a houseful of family and there's no room. I could tell she felt bad...and then I started crying on her. Oh Gawd! Why did I do that? I pulled myself together and ran my errands. I honestly felt better after I ate something, so maybe I should try that more often. Got a wild hair to go to Wal-mart...and in the frozen foods, DH calls me frantic...are you ok? What's wrong with you? To which I replied: oh, you must have talked to your mother. They're worried, I know, but what on earth can they do? So DH made me promise I'd either get someone to come help me clean up or hire a maid or something. I wish I could find someone to sort through all my crap and determine what I need and what I can get rid of. I swear I think it reproduces! I throw two bags of clothes in the spare room and I come back and there's six! Rabbits!

So now here's my conundrum...who on earth do I show this mess to? I doubt Merry Maids will fold laundry and go through all the crap in the spare bedroom and storage room. But I'm not sure I want any of my friends see exactly how bad it's gotten. To top it off, I have a couple of friends who could probably use the money if I paid them to help me, but will they take it? I can see them agreeing to, and then when it comes down to it, not taking it! So I'm really at a loss today. I hate feeling like I can't even let anyone in if they stop by. I'm afraid my kids' friends go home and tell their moms what a wreck we live in! I think I need to clean before someone helps me clean. Again, back to just not feeling like it.

What a difference 24 hours makes...

Yesterday was kind of a rough day. I ended up spending most of the day laying around and reading the boob book. I remembered at a gal came and talked to us at MOPs about a year ago about her breast cancer experience. I messaged H on Facebook and asked if she could connect her to me, and within the afternoon my phone was ringing. I ended up talking to M for over an hour and she very candidly answered all my questions. She even gave me the name of her oncologist in St. Louis. It's funny though, because I'd been searching on the Internet and I'd found Siteman Cancer Center at Barnes-Jewish/WashUSM and that's where she'd gone too! Once I talked to her, I felt 100% better about my treatment options and I decided I was going to call this morning to get an appointment. I called first thing and pre-registered, now I just need to go gather my medical records and get them sent off.

The crazy thing is, what prompted me to maybe look beyond Springfield is that it doesn't look like any of our plastic surgeons do the reconstruction I may be interested in. How vain is that? Yeah, who cares if you get all the cancer, just give me fabulous boobs! However, after reading more of the boob book I realized something...I'm 36 years old. I'm pretty young to have breast cancer. Maybe I need to go somewhere where I'm not the only 36 year old patient! I'd like to have a surgeon working on me who's done more than a couple of mastectomies on someone young. Again, getting back to vanity, but dangit, I'm gonna have these boobs for another 40 or 50 years! Yeah, yeah, I know, DH will love me boobs or not...still though, if I was facing this 35 years from now I doubt I'd feel the same way. I dunno, maybe I would. I'm pretty vain sometimes...

In any case, it's not just the reconstruction I'm thinking about. I really want to do what's best. What's most likely to be curative, what has side effects I can live with, what's going to give me 40 or 50 (or more) years but neither kill me nor give me other malignancies or diseases in the process. There are no guarantees that I won't still be a statistic (but I'm already a statistic, getting pregnant on the Pill TWICE!) but there's a reason you can't Google "breast cancer treatment" and get a recipe for how to cure cancer. I suppose there are as many treatment options as there are women who have it.

I'm freaking tired today. I just could not turn my mind off last night and it was pushing 4 am the last time I looked at the clock. I didn't go to sleep, I just forced myself to roll over and quit looking at it! But I gotta get around and get those records gathered so I can get an appointment in St. Louis ASAP.

Nothing is ever simple and clearcut!

Well, I woke up at 6:30 this morning just feeling awful and wanting to go back to sleep. Fortunately, after about an hour, I did go back to sleep and slept great till about 10. Then I made the mistake of walking into the kitchen...my kids have completely destroyed it! Lord knows how long it's gonna take to clean it up...tomorrow. I ain't doin nothin today!!

I've been reading the boob book and doing some research on reputable websites today. It seems that it is just not a clearcut treatment plan for breast cancer. Heck, I can't even get a consensus on whether DCIS is cancer at all! Some people call it a "pre-cancer." Some sources say it can't spread. But riddle me this Batman...I have "at least three microscopic foci of invasive ductal carcinoma in a background of extensive ductal carcinoma in situ..." on one sample and "at least two microscopic foci of invasive ductal carcinoma in a background of extensive ductal carcinoma in situ..." on the other. Is someone actually trying to say the invasive ductal carcinoma didn't come from the DCIS? Or do they mean it won't spread outside the breast? Apparently my chances for getting breast cancer in the other breast with DCIS is no greater than if I'd waited till after age 35 to have my first pregnancy.

So I'm confused, do I have one or both done? My initial gut reaction was both...now I'm not so sure. I mean, my boobs are by no means perfect, but they're pretty spectacular for a 36 year old woman who breastfed three children. I kind of like them. But if I get only one removed and reconstructed, will it be as good as my old one? Or will it be better? What if my old boob is jealous because the new boob gets all the attention? What if my new boob thinks it's the redheaded stepchild? Will a plastic surgeon really be able to replicate the bit of sag that three pregnancies and 36 years have provided? Would he or she want to? Isn't plastic surgery all about making it better than what nature gave you? "Hey look guys, I made a second boob as imperfect as her first one!!"

Apparently there are several different procedures for getting breast reconstruction, but the plastic surgeons around her only do a couple. I'm still gonna meet with the plastic surgeon I have an appointment with, but I'm thinking I'm going to head to Washington University/Barnes Jewish in St. Louis for a second opinion. I'm gonna have these boob(s) a long time...I want them to be good, ya know? I want people I meet in the future to not know I've had reconstructive surgery unless I tell them. Besides, maybe they have ideas I've not heard of yet. You can't find everything on the internet. I mean, it's probably there, but you've got to find it!

Cancer is...expensive!

So after my ultrasound this morning, I decided to head over to Borders to find some books on breast cancer. I started to go to the library, but I kind of figured I might want to keep them longer than three weeks, since I'm pretty sure I'm going to have breast cancer longer than three weeks. So what kind of book do you buy when you have cancer? They had "Breast Cancer for Dummies" but geez, I'm a nurse, I oughta be slightly above the "dummy" level on anything healthcare related, right? I mean, "Motorcycle Maintenance for Dummies" or "Calculus for Dummies" might right up my alley, but I think I should stretch my mind a little more than that when it comes to a health related issue. There was a book about cleansing your body through diet to help with your cancer, but to get the full effects, you gotta commit to a month, become a vegan, drink beet juice and give yourself enemas. Since I have trouble committing to anything longer than today, I love meat, I'm not friends with Dwight K. Schrute and my butt is exit only, I decided it would be a waste of my $25. There were lots of books for breast cancer survivors, but I'm not sure I can call myself a survivor just yet. I've had cancer for a week. OK, I know I've had it longer than that, but I've known for a week. I haven't even scheduled the surgery yet! It's probably a little premature to start reading survivor stories. So I bought "What to eat if you have cancer," "Crazy sexy cancer tips," and "Dr. Susan Love's breast book." I've been looking at Dr. Love's book for years, but I felt a little weird buying a book about breasts. Looking back though, it might have been a good idea. Oh well, I didn't know I was going to get breast cancer, so I guess I didn't do a very good job of preparing. I have some catching up to do. The "Crazy sexy cancer tips" has really short articles, good for my People magazine attention span. And the food book has tips for gaining or losing weight, foods that boost your immune system, and what and how to eat when you're having chemo or radiation. There are recipes for things ranging from banana berry breakfast smoothies (mmm, sounds good) to red bean and beef stew (hopefully I can cook that in the crock pot) to power pudding (I think that's what they feed nursing home patients to keep them from getting constipated). Don't worry, if I decide to try the power pudding I won't blog about the results! Seriously, though, I think all three of these books will be really helpful, but my goodness they were expensive!! Each one was $20 and they were all softcovers! I mean, I guess they're cheaper than chemo and surgery but geez, you'd think they'd cut cancer patients a little slack!! I bet I could have found them on half.com or something but I'm impatient! I want to read them yesterday!

Meeting the surgeon

So I met with my surgeon today. The good thing about being a nurse is that you've interacted with a lot of physicians and actually seen them in action, so you know which ones you can trust and which ones you need to run from. It was funny, Dr. G walked in and introduced himself, then he said, have we met before? I told him I'd worked at the hospital and what I used to do and he was like, no wonder you look familiar. We discussed surgical options. Based on the size of the tumor, I'm probably going to need a mastectomy instead of a lumpectomy. I'm debating having both removed and reconstructed, even if I don't have cancer in my other breast. I certainly don't want it to recur in the other breast. He said it was up to me. I go meet with a plastic surgeon week after next and then we'll plan the surgery. I'm thinking around the time the kids go back to school just so they'll be on something of a routine and whoever's watching them will at least be able to send them off to school and have a little free time. I think I'm going to go public on Facebook. I believe I've told (or someone else has told) everyone who needed to hear it from me or family/friends. I don't want people feeling sorry for me, but at the same time I just need everyone to cut me a little slack, you know. There have been times in my life that I just can't believe something is happening to me, usually good things, like when I held my oldest son for the first time, or we moved into the first house we bought, or I rode my motorcycle for the first time. I also can't believe this is happening to me, but it's not good, it's bad. Yes, we caught it early. But you know, women do die from breast cancer. I don't want to be one of those women. Another statistic. I'm a little scared. I'm not worried about my salvation, I have every confidence in that. I'm worried about my kids growing up without a mom. I'm worried about DH's mental well-being. I'm worried that Sis and BFF just can't take one more thing. I'm worried about my parents losing their only child. I just have to pray for God's will to be done, plan ahead and do my best to be ready, and then just see what happens next. I know the Lord won't give me more than I can handle, but I'm shocked at his confidence in me.

Telling people, part 2

I think I'm almost done telling people that should hear it from me, or someone else, before they hear it on Facebook. I just hung out with my friend Pinup Barber, who texted me this evening and said "I am a shitty friend. Are you OK?" Well, of course, I'm OK, nothing's happened yet, just got some bad news. I do feel bad that she heard it from a mutual friend's mom, I'd told her mom Saturday and intended to tell her yesterday. She felt bad because she was going to pick me up yesterday morning but had something come up. No biggie, seriously, I just called another friend to take me to my car. Me + Valium = designated driver lol! So we hung out and drank some wine and just dished tonight. The past two nights just hanging with my girls have been so good. They almost made me forget what was going on, ya know? I'm a little nervous, in about 12 hours I meet with the surgeon to find out what the plan is. I know I have to take it one day at a time, and I am so far, but geez, this really sucks. I'm not gonna lie. I'm 36 years old. This is not supposed to happen to young women. I have my whole life ahead of me. I want grandkids and retirement and a house on the lake. I had no intentions of getting big fake boobs and chemo.

Telling people

What is a good way to start the conversation when you tell someone you have cancer? Hello, yeah it's me, I know we never talk on the phone, but I just couldn't bring myself to type the words, I have breast cancer, into a text message. Ugh. I think I've called or seen almost everyone whose feelings would be hurt to read it on Facebook instead of hearing it from me. Fortunately, my husband and mother-in-law have also done some of the telling for me. For God's sake, how many intense, OMG I can't believe this is happening, is there anything I can do, etc, phone calls can you participate in in one day without finding a cliff or ten story building to throw yourself off of? I know, it sucks, I know, it's early, thank God. I'm so glad you love me and will help me. But if I have to tell one more person and get that sympathetic look, I'll start crying too. And I can't cry. I cried two and a half weeks ago when I found out I needed a biopsy. I gotta keep it together. I have three kids, bills to pay, a house to clean, laundry to do, dogs to chase, an extra 20 lbs to lose. I don't have time to feel sorry for myself. Although deep down I really just want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning to find it was all a dream, one of those crazy surreal dreams I have periodically. But I know that's not gonna happen, so I gotta keep keepin' on.

Just found out

July 16, 2010 The day my life changed. The day I found out I had breast cancer, officially. I'd had my suspicions for a few weeks, ever since they called me to come back after my screening mammogram for a diagnostic mammogram. I tried to be tough about it, my husband was in town and offered to go with me but I told him I didn't him to be there. I had to go to the bathroom and pull myself together a couple of times. Then they put me in the bad news room, the one with no windows, a Bible, a box of Kleenex and a stack of outdated Better Homes and Gardens. When the radiologist came in to talk to me, I knew it was not good news. I scheduled the biopsy, cancelled my appointment for a bikini wax, and drove home and laid on the couch all afternoon watching Discovery ID and crying and napping intermittently. By the time DH and the kids made it back from his parents, I had pulled myself together. I only told a few people I needed a biopsy. J offered to go with me and I had taken her up on it, but I made the mistake (?) of telling DH that my feelings were a little hurt that my mom had not offered to come up for the biopsy so he made arrangements to be home. He didn't ask me, he just made it happen. He called me on Saturday and told me he'd be home Monday night. Right before my mom called and asked if I needed her to come up! I think my news must have caught her off guard. Truth be told, I'm glad DH came home. He took me to the biopsy and waited and drove me home. He fetched me ice packs and let me sleep in the next morning. And he held me and cried with me when Kim called me Friday morning to tell me I have cancer. It actually makes sense. I've been suspicious that something's wrong for months. The past few months have really sucked with losing my job and not getting unemployment and now those jerks are going after my nursing license. But even before all this started, something just didn't seem right. No energy, Zoloft seemed like it quit working, kept feeling the weird "letdown" feeling in my left breast (never the right) like you get when you're breastfeeding, although it's been over 3 years since I weaned BabyBoy. I'm not the best at remembering to do a monthly self breast exam, but I never felt anything. And before the diagnostic mammogram I went to the NP at JV Clinic and she didn't feel anything either. I guess it's just dumb luck that I decided to have my screening mammogram this year. What if I hadn't? What if I'd waited till I was 40? Would that make a difference? I don't know but let me tell you, now that I know it's there, I just want to get it out of me. I go tomorrow for an MRI and meet with a surgeon Thursday. I guess the good thing about being a nurse is that I know a lot of doctors personally and I feel good about my choice of surgeon. I'm just ready to get this show on the road.