honesty

The past few days, in a word, have just sucked. Toward the end of last week I thought I was feeling better and then, whammo, Saturday and Sunday came around and just knocked me off my feet. I don't know if the false sense of well-being provided by steroids wore off (I was warned my my aunt) or the mucositis from the chemo has set in...I'm guessing it's a combination of both. Saturday and Sunday I got overheated and light-headed after my shower. I don't know if I was dehydrated and upright for too long or what. But both days, I got ready to go somewhere and by the time I was ready to go I didn't have the energy to leave the house.

The bad thing about chemo is that it causes all the rapidly-dividing cells in your body to die...that's how it kills cancer cells because cancer cells are dividing too quickly which causes screw-ups in the new cells which is cancer. Unfortunately, the cells in your GI tract are also rapidly dividing, so the chemo kills them too. Now I have a sore mouth and throat, which makes it hard to swallow and makes food taste funny. I also feel like I have the stomach flu...from both ends. Fortunately I've not thrown up any, but that's only because I'm popping Ativan the moment I feel sick to my stomach. Let's just say Ativan doesn't work on the other end...Remember in American Pie when Stiffler slips some Ex-Lax in Shit-brick's latte? Um, yeah, that's an accurate picture of how I was feeling a couple of times this weekend. There's just nothing like breaking out in a cold sweat...ugh, it's making me sick to my stomach just to write about it.

I managed to make it to Wal-mart and to get Miss Thang's pictures developed for school but by the time I made it home I was just done. I could barely get through the checkout line. I still need to go wig shopping and see if I can find some glutamine for my stomatitis but I'm afraid to venture too far from home. I have just been feeling rotten the past few days.

So today, I spent the day in the recliner. I feel like I've regressed. I'm hoping tomorrow is better. I realize I have to take this one day at a time and I know there are people who have it WAY worse than I do. All that doesn't really make me feel any better about myself.

I glanced back at my past couple of blog entries and realized they were missing something. At first I couldn't put my finger on it but I think I figured it out. I had initially said I was going to be honest and this may be raw and difficult to read. But I've been holding back. I've said some things that I was feeling and not all of them have been sweetness and light. But this is my blog. I'm decompressing here. Sometimes things are going to happen that piss me off. Talking about it helps. Since it seems like everyone but my mom and BeBe have quit calling me, so who exactly am I supposed to talk to? Besides, who wants to call me up and listen to me vent about my kids' clutter? Or when my 13 year old is being mouthy? Just because I have cancer doesn't mean I'm immune to my kiddos annoying the hell out of me. The difference is I used to be able to do something about it...now I don't have the energy. So when I do get the energy I have to take advantage while I can and drag out of the recliner and tell them to pick up their rooms or do their homework or quit sassing me or whatever else.

In an ideal world I'd have a nanny or a clone or something who could take over with the house and kids while I go through all this. However, it ain't happening. So I'm getting through this the best way I can. I'm not asking anyone to do anything that I wouldn't be asking them to do anyway even if I wasn't sick. I didn't have many chores when I was a kid. My mom is a perfectionist to the point that she would generally re-do anything I'd done, so what was the point of her making me do it to begin with? Now don't get me wrong, I love my mom, she was a good mom and she and my dad raised me the best they could and I think I turned out just fine. But...just because she did it one way doesn't mean I'm going to do it the same way. Sometimes I feel a little sorry for NumberOneSon because he does have a lot of responsibility at times. But you know what? He handles it, and I know in a few years when he's out of here he's going to be able to take care of himself and make good decisions. If he screws up some now, the consequences are not nearly as high as they will be in the future. There were some lessons I learned after I was an adult that I wish I would have learned as a teenager, when the stakes weren't quite so high.

Well, it's time to drag my ass out of this recliner and run to Walgreens to buy diapers for BabyBoy. I forgot to look and see if we needed them yesterday and no one told me. Oh well, maybe we'll get some ice cream too. I could go for a Frosty...