Even if I look like I've got it together, really I don't...

Yesterday was just...exhausting. NumberOneSon had his first football game (ever!) in Webb City. Since I'd never even heard of that place, I Google Mapped it and found it was roughly 2 hours away. I googled the school and found the address. I even got a phone call from SchoolReach that gave me directions. Now, did I bother to print any of this out or write any of it down? No, of course not, that would have made it easy for me to find the football field in Webb City. I mean, for God's sake, it's Webb City. Shouldn't be hard to find the football field, it's a tiny town. It's not like there's four high schools. There probably isn't even a Wal-mart. I bet there's a Dollar General though, couple of gas stations, maybe even a Jim's Drive In.

In reality, Webb City has a Wal-mart, a Sonic, a Culver's (mmmm, I love that place!), a Quiznos, the Joplin (?) airport, a beauty school, and lots and lots of other businesses. I saw a lot of them while I was driving around Webb City looking for the football field. Since I didn't know what direction I should go, I just followed my instincts. I forgot that my instincts are usually as good as George Costanza's...remember that episode of Seinfeld where he did the opposite of what he thought should do...yeah, that was a funny one. Anyway, once I got to the Joplin (?) Airport, I thought I might be going the wrong direction so I stopped and busted out my cell phone and googled. The map I got was...useless! Not only was the street I was on not on it, I didn't even recognize the names of any of the streets on it! I downloaded the Google Maps app for my phone a few months ago and I can't figure out how to type an address into it (I can get numbers but not spaces or letters...very useful when you're trying to enter an address, which has numbers AND spaces and letters). If you guessed I don't have an iPhone, you're right. DH has one though...but I'm not jealous (OK maybe I'm a little jealous). I did at least have the address, and because I took a shortcut, I was there early enough that I had time to be lost for awhile. I drove back toward the way I came and turned at the main intersection...the wrong way again! At least this time I knew I was on the right road and I did eventually find the school and football field and I got there about fifteen minutes before the game started.

And the game...sucked. Usually the "A" team plays first and then the "B" team, but this time the "B" team played first! Yay, I thought, I'll get to leave early. Umm, no, the players for the "B" team got to hang out on the sidelines till the "A" game was over. OMG it was just awful! I felt so bad for the boys. They didn't even score at all. Really didn't even come close. Webb City grows 'em big! I briefly considered looking for a source for some steroids for NOS! Oh, well, better luck next week, I suppose.

At least we got to eat at Culver's. I demolished a pumpkin cheesecake concrete mixer while my little ones enjoyed turtles and NOS had a bacon double cheeseburger and fries. I loathe to think about how many calories was in that concrete...oh well, chances are I'll be losing a little weight in the near future. Besides, if they make new boobs out of my tummy, maybe they'll be bigger if I pack on a few pounds...I can eat for two, right?

So today I'm just exhausted. I didn't feel like getting out of bed, much less doing anything. I took BabyBoy to school AND picked him up in my jammies. I didn't even brush my teeth or put on shoes when I took him. Pathetic, I know. I started texting friends to take NOS to the game store to get the game he pre-ordered two months ago for me tonight and I couldn't get anyone to do it. I only asked people he knows and half of them didn't even bother to respond, and the rest had excuses. I know, it's not an emergency. If it was I'm sure those same people and twenty more would be over here in a heartbeat. It's hard enough to let people help you and doubly hard to ask. I would rather just do it myself. I think when people see me and see that I look OK, they assume I am OK. Well, yesterday I may have been, but today I'm not. I went ahead and took a shower after I picked up BabyBoy and put on my makeup and fixed my hair and generally tried to not look like crap. But I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. Today has been one of the worst days I've had since my diagnosis and tests and surgery and follow ups and I know it's only going to get worse. Is anybody going to be there for me? Is anyone going to realize that just because I say I don't need anything that doesn't mean I am telling the truth? It's very easy to sound upbeat in a Tweet or status update or text message. I've spent YEARS perfecting my act of having it all together. I'm not much of a complainer and I hate hearing others complain. I suck it up most of the time, or at least I try. People keep telling me I'm strong. I don't feel strong at all. I feel sad and scared and weak and sorry for my kids that they have such a wreck for a mom. I know it's probably better to have a sick mom than a dead mom but right now it's almost like they don't have a mom at all.

About ten years ago, when I was in nursing school, DH and I separated for a few months. NOS was almost three at the time. Since his daddy was usually gone working for several weeks at a time, NOS didn't really notice that DH wasn't around, at least for awhile. I remember one night I was lying on the couch crying, again. I had put up a brave front at school, not mentioning my problems at home to anyone. But I don't know why, that night, I just couldn't hold myself together until after NOS went to bed. And he came up to me with his blanket off his bed and covered me up and patted my cheek and told me it was OK. I felt about an inch tall. Here was my child trying to take care of me. That's not how it's supposed to be. And I swore I would never let that happen again. I pulled myself together and did not let him see me cry again. And now, with DH on the road and my being sick, I find myself leaning on NOS. He should not have to take care of his mother! He does so much around the house as it is...he has got to be the best 13 year old boy on the planet. Granted, he's still a 13 year old boy...so I get some sighs and attitude and even though he cleaned his room, it's still a mess! But I don't know what to do. Last week when my mom went back home it seemed like I was doing fine. I know she wouldn't have left if she'd thought otherwise. I was hoping I'd get a little better every day, but it's like a roller coaster and I'm just ready to get off the ride. How can you plan for that? How can I know tomorrow I'm not going to feel like picking NOS up from football practice? Or that Friday I'm going to feel like cooking dinner so I don't need anyone to bring anything?

I wish I knew the answer. I pray every day for strength to get through this. I can't keep asking DH to come home or my mom to come stay. I think part of the reason I do better when they're around is that I'm just happy they're there. Like it changes my outlook and I'm happier and therefore I feel better. But DH needs to work or we starve and Mom has her life and her home and husband to care for. I can't expect anyone just to drop everything and be at my beck and call.