Let's see, where to begin. I tried to blog Friday night, I think, while I was in the hospital and I have to say I typed about two sentences, fell asleep, hit the touchpad or something on my laptop and erased half of it, and gave up and went to sleep. We got home Saturday and I've been in something of a haze since then. I had four different friends call me yesterday evening and I just couldn't bear to talk on the phone. Ugh, I hate that side of me. So I'm gonna call each of them back in the next couple of days. I feel guilty but I was hurting and I knew I'd start crying. I also hate that side of me.
So let's talk about the hospital experience...for starters, being the procrastinator that I am, I didn't even pack anything to take with me until about the time DH wanted to get on the road. I'd wanted to buy me some nice PJs and a cute robe so I wouldn't look homeless walking in the hall, but I didn't get around to it. Besides, those hospital gowns are dead sexy!
The hotel we stayed at was very nice, my mom said it was the nicest place they'd ever stayed. They served "snacks" and drinks in the evening like a lot of places do anymore, but the snacks constituted an entire meal! Soup, salad, hot dogs, nachos, baked potatoes, hot wings, veggie platter. And then they served a full hot breakfast in the morning. So except for lunch, my parents didn't have to buy any meals. When you calculate two meals into the price of the room, I think it was an excellent deal. And they gave us $50 off each room because I was in the hospital.
We got to the hospital at 5:30 to check in. I had told DH and my parents to just meet me there so they could eat breakfast, but DH insisted on taking me to the hospital. I swear that man won't let me out of his sight! It was after 6 before they had me checked in and almost 7 before they took me back. They put me in a little room with a curtain and a gurney and a heart monitor...very familiar territory. I changed and got settled in and the nurse came back to place the IV. I pointed to my AWESOME vein on my right wrist (she didn't want to put it in the left since that's the cancerous side...which doesn't make any sense since I was having a bilateral mastectomy, but whatever). She kept looking and decided it indeed was my best vein besides my AC, so she stuck me, drew blood, and hooked up the fluids. She admonished me for being dehydrated, but I'd forgotten to drink a big glass of water at 11:59 before I had to be NPO. Oh, well...
The anesthesiologist came to see me first and asked me a few questions, you know, the routine problems with anesthesia, nausea, motion sickness, etc. I told him I do sometimes get carsick so he turned to the nurse and said, "Pull the big kit." I had no idea what that meant right then, but when the nurse came back and put a scopolamine patch behind my ear and then the CRNA came in and introduced herself and gave me three different drugs for nausea, I knew I was in good hands! DH and the parental units said their goodbyes, the nurse told me good luck and down the hall I went. I think I remember rolling into the OR but I'm not really sure. I might have dreamed that. Next thing I knew, I was back in a little room similar to the one I started in with a different nurse sitting at the end of the bed. I vaguely remember rolling down a hallway and hitting a couple of bumps but I don't know whether it was going to the OR or going to my room.
The rest of Thursday is pretty much a haze. I munched on ice chips and hit my PCA button as much as possible. DH was with me pretty much the whole time and I know my parents came in to see me too. The day shift and night shift nurses were very nice. I might have talked to someone on the phone? I was in pretty good shape as far as pain went and they gave me something to sleep and then woke me up at midnight to pull my Foley catheter. Midnight, really? I guess it's so you have those night hours to count toward peeing so they can discharge you in the morning.
And then 4 am struck. I don't know what it is with me and hospitals, but 4 am is always the time something goes wrong. In this case, the IV pump alarmed that it was almost out of fluids. It woke me up and my pain was a 63 on a scale of 1 to 10. I literally couldn't breathe I was hurting so bad. I found the call bell and called the nurse and started hammering away on the PCA button. The tech came in to do my vitals and told me she'd tell the nurse the pump was beeping and I was hurting. Then I realized I needed to pee and that was contributing to my pain. So DH and the tech helped me to the bathroom and I sat...and sat...and sat...I felt like my bladder was gonna burst. The nurse, the tech and DH kept popping in periodically to see if I'd had any luck. Nope, of course not! I finally thought to ask DH to turn on the water at the sink and leave the door open so I could hear it...and after about 10 more minutes, I finally started peeing. In the meantime I'd pushed my PCA button about 73 times and it had only made a slight dent in my pain. When I'd peed as much as I thought I could, I had DH help me out into the room and WASHED MY HANDS! Good grief I'm still the freaking hygiene queen even when I'm pretty sure I'm gonna die in the next hours. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!
So then I had a decision to make...back to bed or to the chair. The nurse came in and gave me a couple of Vicodin, some Toradol and some Valium on top of the PCA. And I just stood there and cried. Completely pitiful. Poor DH, he didn't know what to do with himself. And I didn't know what to do with myself either, so the four of us just stood there, looking around and trying to figure out the next move. Finally I decided to kick DH out of the recliner and try to sleep there. The pain meds and sedative began to kick in and I went to sleep...for about an hour. Then the gal from lab comes in and was getting ready to wake DH up to draw his blood! I explained that I was the patient and I'd kicked him out of the recliner. DH swears she came back and drew my blood later but I don't remember it and I didn't have any needle sticks or band-aids to prove it.
I made it through the first night but there was no way in hell I was going home on Friday! I was still using my PCA quite a bit, even with around the clock Vicoden, Valium and Toradol, I wasn't very steady on my feet, and I generally felt like I'd been run over by a Mack truck. My parents came to visit me that morning before they left to go home and then my friend Kondee's Mom came to visit and bring me some flowers. Both were welcome distractions and I think as the day went on I was using less of the PCA and moving around more. Also my cell phone and my Facebook were blowing up so that definitely cheered me up as well. All in all I seemed to be headed in the right direction.
I'll see if I can't finish this snoozer of a story either later tonight or tomorrow. Mr. Vicoden and Mr. Pillow are calling my name.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Bad blogger...
Well, how long has it been since I've posted? I've had so much going on but no motivation to record any of it. DH teases me every day..."So you still haven't blogged? How am I supposed to know what you're thinking?" Ha! The jokes on you...there's no thinking going on in this head...
We made it to St. Louis this evening and my surgery is tomorrow morning. I have to be there at the ass crack of dawn. Thank goodness DH is with me and gets up early every day so he can drag me out of bed. I'm usually awake by 7:30 without an alarm but to be somewhere at 5:30 is gonna be just a little difficult. I'm by no means a night owl either. My best hours are from about 8 am to noon. OK maybe 11.
I admit I'm a little nervous. I've been having these mini-freak-outs all day. I just don't know what to do with all my nervous energy. I start getting these palpitations and short of breath. And then I close my eyes and take a deep breath...and try to remember it could be so much worse than what it is. It's easy to dwell on what sucks in your own life but when you think about others...someone always has it worse. For instance, I know a lady who's not much older than me who's also battling breast cancer, only hers is a rare type and she's been on chemo for nearly nine months and will be having surgery when she's recovered from that. And she's working full time. Another friend just had a baby with problems, I'm not really sure what, I don't know that they're really sure yet but how devastating! Months of anticipation of a new life and addition to your family and then boom, no warning, just a sick baby and worries and sadness during what should be a happy time.
Everywhere you turn, there are people who are worse off than you. So what do you do? Do you sit and feel sorry for everyone, think the world is a horrible thankless place, curse God or the devil for bringing tribulations to us, wonder why one person gets cancer and another doesn't? I'm sure there are some people who will do just that...lay down and die or stand up and curse...but I just can't do it. I don't know why God gave me this. I don't understand why he thinks I can handle it. I don't know why God gave my friend a sick child, but I firmly believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes what you think could be the worse thing to happen to you ends up being a blessing...and sometimes what you think is perfect is not what it seems.
I know I'm rambling and quasi-philosophical and certainly not very funny tonight, but I've just had some things on my heart today. I'm kind of scared, not just for what I'm facing tomorrow but for what I know will happen over the next few months. I hate the thought of my kids having a sick mom. I don't like people looking at us and feeling sorry for us. I really don't want to lose my hair. I joke about the Dolly Parton wig (ok, it's not a joke, I've always wanted Dolly hair!) but I like my new haircut so much I don't want to lose it!
For the past 10 years, except for when I've had my babies and a couple of outpatient surgeries, I've been on the caregiver side of the bed. The one who's in control, the one doling out the drugs and information, the one doing the procedures. Not the one who has no control, the one getting the procedure done to her. Each time I walked in to work, I always had in the back of my mind that the patients and families did not want to be there and I needed to make things as pleasant as I could while still doing what needed to be done for them to get better. So I'd cajole them to cough and deep breathe, to get out of bed, to walk, to eat, to let me put this medical device in, etc. If they refused I'd wheedle and bargain, I'd try to figure out whatever they needed psychologically to do what I'd want them to do. I'd manipulate the situation when necessary, out of concern for the patient to get better. I saw it as my job, and I was pretty good at it. Now I get to be on the other side, I'll be facing having to have medical devices place, having to cough and deep breathe and sit in the chair and take this pill...and I'll have a nurse asking, telling, cajoling, wheedling, bargaining, manipulating, whatever's necessary to get me to do what I'm supposed to do. I want to be a good patient, I really do, not for the sake of not being a pain in the ass nurse patient (ask anyone, nurses and doctors make the worse patients!!) but because I really do want to get better. I don't want to be sick, I want this cancer gone from my body. I'm willing to do what it takes, even if that means cutting off what, to many people, makes me a woman. Even if it means dripping poison into my body to kill whatever tiny dormant cells that are lurking, waiting to come back and invade my body again.
So say a little prayer for me today please. I'm doing the best I can, which is not really that great right now. But it's all I've got today. And if you're lucky, they'll have wi-fi at the hospital and DH will talk me into blogging while under the influence of narcotics! Who knows, maybe I'll have something funny or profound to say.
We made it to St. Louis this evening and my surgery is tomorrow morning. I have to be there at the ass crack of dawn. Thank goodness DH is with me and gets up early every day so he can drag me out of bed. I'm usually awake by 7:30 without an alarm but to be somewhere at 5:30 is gonna be just a little difficult. I'm by no means a night owl either. My best hours are from about 8 am to noon. OK maybe 11.
I admit I'm a little nervous. I've been having these mini-freak-outs all day. I just don't know what to do with all my nervous energy. I start getting these palpitations and short of breath. And then I close my eyes and take a deep breath...and try to remember it could be so much worse than what it is. It's easy to dwell on what sucks in your own life but when you think about others...someone always has it worse. For instance, I know a lady who's not much older than me who's also battling breast cancer, only hers is a rare type and she's been on chemo for nearly nine months and will be having surgery when she's recovered from that. And she's working full time. Another friend just had a baby with problems, I'm not really sure what, I don't know that they're really sure yet but how devastating! Months of anticipation of a new life and addition to your family and then boom, no warning, just a sick baby and worries and sadness during what should be a happy time.
Everywhere you turn, there are people who are worse off than you. So what do you do? Do you sit and feel sorry for everyone, think the world is a horrible thankless place, curse God or the devil for bringing tribulations to us, wonder why one person gets cancer and another doesn't? I'm sure there are some people who will do just that...lay down and die or stand up and curse...but I just can't do it. I don't know why God gave me this. I don't understand why he thinks I can handle it. I don't know why God gave my friend a sick child, but I firmly believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes what you think could be the worse thing to happen to you ends up being a blessing...and sometimes what you think is perfect is not what it seems.
I know I'm rambling and quasi-philosophical and certainly not very funny tonight, but I've just had some things on my heart today. I'm kind of scared, not just for what I'm facing tomorrow but for what I know will happen over the next few months. I hate the thought of my kids having a sick mom. I don't like people looking at us and feeling sorry for us. I really don't want to lose my hair. I joke about the Dolly Parton wig (ok, it's not a joke, I've always wanted Dolly hair!) but I like my new haircut so much I don't want to lose it!
For the past 10 years, except for when I've had my babies and a couple of outpatient surgeries, I've been on the caregiver side of the bed. The one who's in control, the one doling out the drugs and information, the one doing the procedures. Not the one who has no control, the one getting the procedure done to her. Each time I walked in to work, I always had in the back of my mind that the patients and families did not want to be there and I needed to make things as pleasant as I could while still doing what needed to be done for them to get better. So I'd cajole them to cough and deep breathe, to get out of bed, to walk, to eat, to let me put this medical device in, etc. If they refused I'd wheedle and bargain, I'd try to figure out whatever they needed psychologically to do what I'd want them to do. I'd manipulate the situation when necessary, out of concern for the patient to get better. I saw it as my job, and I was pretty good at it. Now I get to be on the other side, I'll be facing having to have medical devices place, having to cough and deep breathe and sit in the chair and take this pill...and I'll have a nurse asking, telling, cajoling, wheedling, bargaining, manipulating, whatever's necessary to get me to do what I'm supposed to do. I want to be a good patient, I really do, not for the sake of not being a pain in the ass nurse patient (ask anyone, nurses and doctors make the worse patients!!) but because I really do want to get better. I don't want to be sick, I want this cancer gone from my body. I'm willing to do what it takes, even if that means cutting off what, to many people, makes me a woman. Even if it means dripping poison into my body to kill whatever tiny dormant cells that are lurking, waiting to come back and invade my body again.
So say a little prayer for me today please. I'm doing the best I can, which is not really that great right now. But it's all I've got today. And if you're lucky, they'll have wi-fi at the hospital and DH will talk me into blogging while under the influence of narcotics! Who knows, maybe I'll have something funny or profound to say.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wherever you go, there you are
Wow, I can't believe how long it's been since I last blogged. I was only home for about 36 hours last time so I'm lucky I blogged anything. So where to begin? Kiddos went back to school today, well, all but the baby, he resumes his preschool career Monday. A week from now I will be in the hospital recovering from my surgery. I told the kids' teachers about my diagnosis so if they start acting up maybe they'll cut 'em a little slack. Well, I told the little ones' teachers...NumberOneSon has too many teachers! Maybe I'll just call his guidance counselor or something.
Being that I'm a sucker...I picked up a puppy on the side of the road on the way back from our vacation. He's really cute and seems pretty smart and calm. The kids seem to like him, but good grief, what was I thinking? Potty training a puppy while I'm going through cancer surgery and treatment?! Of course, if he's smart, maybe he'll pick it up quickly. I hope so cuz I just can't see my mom happily cleaning up after a dog while she's here.
The vacation was wonderful. It was nice to get away for awhile and I really didn't want to come back. It was like I got to take a vacation from having cancer. But when I got back, I had it again. I keep hoping this is just a bad dream, but I know it's not.
I'm sure I have some funny stories but I'm so tired right now I can barely type. Tomorrow I have to take the baby for shots and then three of my girlfriends are coming over to help me finish cleaning my house. I kind of started in the kitchen again today. It's more clutter than anything at this point upstairs but the downstairs is pretty dirty. I sure hope we can get it knocked out tomorrow.
Sorry for the short boring blog but I'm literally falling asleep!
Being that I'm a sucker...I picked up a puppy on the side of the road on the way back from our vacation. He's really cute and seems pretty smart and calm. The kids seem to like him, but good grief, what was I thinking? Potty training a puppy while I'm going through cancer surgery and treatment?! Of course, if he's smart, maybe he'll pick it up quickly. I hope so cuz I just can't see my mom happily cleaning up after a dog while she's here.
The vacation was wonderful. It was nice to get away for awhile and I really didn't want to come back. It was like I got to take a vacation from having cancer. But when I got back, I had it again. I keep hoping this is just a bad dream, but I know it's not.
I'm sure I have some funny stories but I'm so tired right now I can barely type. Tomorrow I have to take the baby for shots and then three of my girlfriends are coming over to help me finish cleaning my house. I kind of started in the kitchen again today. It's more clutter than anything at this point upstairs but the downstairs is pretty dirty. I sure hope we can get it knocked out tomorrow.
Sorry for the short boring blog but I'm literally falling asleep!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Hair and family visit...
This past weekend marked a milestone...OK not really, but it sounds good, right? Actually, I went to my cousin's baby shower Saturday and the last time I saw her was when she was about three! Now she's having a baby herself!! Where does the time go? It was great to see my cousins and aunt! It's amazing how we're all older and different, but yet we're still the same. I really don't know where the time goes.
I had a good visit with my parents and NumberOneSon and I knocked out his school clothes shopping. My mom and dad were nice enough to watch my little ones so he and could shop. With only one kid complaining, it's not nearly as frustrating and doesn't seem to take forever.
I got to see my grandma, who had surgery last week, and she's doing well. I also got to visit with my uncle who I've not seen in several years either (is anyone seeing a pattern here?)
But today...today was the day to end all days!! I took the kids to Pinup Barber to get their back to school hair cuts and I thought, what the heck, I was just planning a dead end trim for me but...I had her chop 15 inches! Can you believe it? Yeah, neither can I! I'm tempted to go weigh myself just to see if I really am lighter without all that hair. Now I've just got to find some other people to cut theirs and I'm gonna have it made into a wig if I can. BFF has hair down to her knees...I could have a long wig with all that!! Now just to convince her...
I know I'd said I was gonna go short when I start chemo and Kojak when it starts falling out, but that's a pretty drastic change. So Pinup Barber is gonna cut my hair every week or two and go shorter each time till I get to Twiggy, then Susan Powter, then finally Sinead O'Connor. Heck I may even dye it purple or pink or green or blue! This week I'm back to about where I was when I moved to Missouri. Everyone so far says it makes me look younger...does that mean I looked old before? Never mind, I'd rather not know the answer to that question!
Sixteen days to surgery. I have a lot to do!!
I had a good visit with my parents and NumberOneSon and I knocked out his school clothes shopping. My mom and dad were nice enough to watch my little ones so he and could shop. With only one kid complaining, it's not nearly as frustrating and doesn't seem to take forever.
I got to see my grandma, who had surgery last week, and she's doing well. I also got to visit with my uncle who I've not seen in several years either (is anyone seeing a pattern here?)
But today...today was the day to end all days!! I took the kids to Pinup Barber to get their back to school hair cuts and I thought, what the heck, I was just planning a dead end trim for me but...I had her chop 15 inches! Can you believe it? Yeah, neither can I! I'm tempted to go weigh myself just to see if I really am lighter without all that hair. Now I've just got to find some other people to cut theirs and I'm gonna have it made into a wig if I can. BFF has hair down to her knees...I could have a long wig with all that!! Now just to convince her...
I know I'd said I was gonna go short when I start chemo and Kojak when it starts falling out, but that's a pretty drastic change. So Pinup Barber is gonna cut my hair every week or two and go shorter each time till I get to Twiggy, then Susan Powter, then finally Sinead O'Connor. Heck I may even dye it purple or pink or green or blue! This week I'm back to about where I was when I moved to Missouri. Everyone so far says it makes me look younger...does that mean I looked old before? Never mind, I'd rather not know the answer to that question!
Sixteen days to surgery. I have a lot to do!!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Just a quickie!
Home, briefly. Had a couple of beers and some tasty food with my girl Cracker Jill tonight. I'm sad 'cause she's moving but I know she'll do great and we'll keep in touch, at least through text messages and Facebook.
NumberOneSon called as I was leaving the bar to tell me he had swimmer's ear. Since I have no idea whether I had anything for it at home, I swung by Walgreen's to get whatever that stuff you use for swimmer's ear is. I love Walgreen's, they have great sales and cool stuff, and their clearance shelves are just awesome!! I wandered through cosmetics, finished off my baby gift for the shower later today, grabbed the swimmer's ear stuff, and then walked down the hair aisle. Oh, how I love hair products! Ponytail holders, barrettes, product, shampoo, conditioner, etc, etc, etc, I have a ton in my bathroom and more on reserve! They had my flat iron protectant spray buy one get one free. So I grabbed a couple bottles and rounded the corner and realized...I'm not going to be able to use it for a long time probably, if ever! I can't imagine I won't have to do chemo after my surgery and I know my hair will fall out. I'll get a short cut when I start and shave it when it starts to fall out. No need for a flat iron then.
It's just hair, I know, but it made me sad. My hair has been the longest it's ever been the past few years. I got it chopped off right before I had Miss Thang and have only trimmed it some since. It was down to my waist and I'd been keeping it there for a couple of years till I had Pinup Barber cut off about 6 inches a few months ago. I know I'll never catch up with BFF's hair but I don't want to be bald either. Yeah, I know I can get a wig, or wear a hat or a scarf or a bandanna, but I don't want to look weird or draw attention to my appearance.
I saw a lady out the other day with no hair and a hat on and I thought, oh she must be going through cancer treatment. Right now you can't see that I'm a cancer patient. I don't look any different than anyone else. But soon everyone is going to be able to tell just by looking at me. For God's sake you'd think I'd be slightly more sensitive than some others since I'm actually going through it right now, and even I went there. I was even tempted to be nosy and ask. Ugh. I've already had awkward moments since I went public, I certainly don't want people making conversation in Price Cutter over peaches about my bald head. Princess suggested I get my head tattooed while it's bald. Not a bad idea but what do I get? I have a couple of ideas but they're probably not appropriate...OK here's a PG one...Rogaine failure...
Well I should have been in bed at least two hours ago, so nighty night.
NumberOneSon called as I was leaving the bar to tell me he had swimmer's ear. Since I have no idea whether I had anything for it at home, I swung by Walgreen's to get whatever that stuff you use for swimmer's ear is. I love Walgreen's, they have great sales and cool stuff, and their clearance shelves are just awesome!! I wandered through cosmetics, finished off my baby gift for the shower later today, grabbed the swimmer's ear stuff, and then walked down the hair aisle. Oh, how I love hair products! Ponytail holders, barrettes, product, shampoo, conditioner, etc, etc, etc, I have a ton in my bathroom and more on reserve! They had my flat iron protectant spray buy one get one free. So I grabbed a couple bottles and rounded the corner and realized...I'm not going to be able to use it for a long time probably, if ever! I can't imagine I won't have to do chemo after my surgery and I know my hair will fall out. I'll get a short cut when I start and shave it when it starts to fall out. No need for a flat iron then.
It's just hair, I know, but it made me sad. My hair has been the longest it's ever been the past few years. I got it chopped off right before I had Miss Thang and have only trimmed it some since. It was down to my waist and I'd been keeping it there for a couple of years till I had Pinup Barber cut off about 6 inches a few months ago. I know I'll never catch up with BFF's hair but I don't want to be bald either. Yeah, I know I can get a wig, or wear a hat or a scarf or a bandanna, but I don't want to look weird or draw attention to my appearance.
I saw a lady out the other day with no hair and a hat on and I thought, oh she must be going through cancer treatment. Right now you can't see that I'm a cancer patient. I don't look any different than anyone else. But soon everyone is going to be able to tell just by looking at me. For God's sake you'd think I'd be slightly more sensitive than some others since I'm actually going through it right now, and even I went there. I was even tempted to be nosy and ask. Ugh. I've already had awkward moments since I went public, I certainly don't want people making conversation in Price Cutter over peaches about my bald head. Princess suggested I get my head tattooed while it's bald. Not a bad idea but what do I get? I have a couple of ideas but they're probably not appropriate...OK here's a PG one...Rogaine failure...
Well I should have been in bed at least two hours ago, so nighty night.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Back to reality tomorrow...for a little while anyway
Well, I guess I ought to blog since I actually have something to talk about this week. The trip to Kondee's Mom's house seemed to take forever, but once I stopped at Wally World and dropped about $100 on travel pillows, small blankets, battery operated fans and crayons, everyone settled down and I was actually able to drive. It only took me an hour longer than it should have. Now after being in the car for six hours, you'd think I'd just drop off to sleep. Oh no, we were up till after 3 am talking! And we needed to get up by 6 to leave for St. Louis! I didn't have to worry about an alarm though...between DH's frantic phone call at 4:45 because he couldn't find his house key to lock up the house and KM's kookaburra crowing at 5:15, we were up!
The drive to St. Louis and back was pretty uneventful. By the time I had five doctors do a breast exam (breast surgeon, her fellow, plastic surgeon, his resident and the oncologist) I felt like the main event at a peep show! DH and KM were with me for all the visits and the last time I changed with them in the room, I didn't even bother to turn my back! I briefly considered going topless for the rest of the day, but I put my shirt back on as a public service.
Everyone I encountered at Siteman Cancer Center was extremely nice and professional. Even though I'm an RN, all the doctors actually explained everything to me, which was refreshing for a change. I dunno, maybe it helps that I've never worked with any of these doctors. Maybe they didn't even notice that I was an RN on my chart. In any case, they dumbed it down considerably. The breast surgeon actually specializes in breast cancer in women under the age of 40. I think it's kinda sad that there's enough of us that it's a specialty. She was great though and only three years older than me! She explained all my tests and pathology and by the time I left there I had a good idea exactly what was the problem and what would fix it.
The funniest part of the day was the plastic surgeon visit. He worked me in even though I didn't have an appointment and took the time to show me pictures so I could think about what kind of reconstruction I want to have, even though it will be a separate surgery down the road. His resident came and did my history and physical. Then the actual surgeon came in and the resident just observed. When Dr. B got to the part about what the scars might look like and that they'll be covered by most clothing, I asked him if my days as a stripper were over. The surgeon, DH, and KM laughed because they knew I was joking, but the resident, bless his heart, he blushed and was speechless. I sure wish I'd had a camera to get a shot of his reaction...it was priceless!
Did you know they take "before" pictures at the plastic surgeon? Let me tell you, it's a bizarre experience to pose topless in capris and sandals against a blue wall with the plastic surgeon taking front/both profile/in-between pics with your hubby, your friend, a resident and a nurse looking on. I was really wishing I'd worn a high top girdle that pushed all my belly fat up into my cleavage, or at least done some sit-ups or something!
I guess the worst part of the day was when I went to see the oncologist and it's not really anyone's fault, everyone was great, but I just started to feel like a cancer patient. Ugh. Up till this point I've just felt like myself with a treatable problem, not a patient. Certainly not a CANCER patient. The MA who took my vitals at the oncologist's office was very nice and appropriate, but when I saw the sheet she was writing all my vitals on and it had so many columns to write them, I just wanted to cry because I realized those pages were going to have a lot written on them in the next few months. She showed us to the room and I asked her to show me to the bathroom because my three-kid bladder was full from all of Applebee's tea and because I needed to pull myself together. I know DH certainly doesn't need to see me wuss out because it'll only make it worse on him. So I peed and pulled it together. I'm getting better at it, one of these days I hope to become a pro.
Dr. M the oncologist wore white sandals with 2 inch heels with hose!! OMG...fashion disaster!! Yes I know it's before Labor Day but geez, open toe shoes with pantyhose? I mean, there was a copy of People Style Watch in her waiting room...she should consider reading it sometime!! I think she's too busy doing research and writing papers. Her CV probably reads like a James Michener novel. I know when I read about her on Siteman's website, I scrolled quickly through all the articles she's co-written and I probably would have understood more if it was written in Greek.
So here's the plan: surgery August 28, go up the night before, probably only one night but possibly two in the hospital, oncologist a week later to discuss pathology and determine what treatment I'll need afterward. I feel extremely confident that I'm in the best of hands and I'm going to be just fine.
The past few days since I had my appointment I have just chilled out at my girl KM's house. She's cooked, we've drank beer, swam, fed animals, hung out and talked. The kids have played and had a great time. They love all the strange animals. It's been kind of nice not having the hubbies here because all the girl yapping drives them nuts I'm sure, but I have missed them. They are good friends too and I know they would have enjoyed hanging out like we have. Oh well, next time I guess.
Headed back to my house briefly tomorrow, then off to hillbilly land to visit my relations. Mom doesn't have high speed internet so it may be a week before I blog again.
The drive to St. Louis and back was pretty uneventful. By the time I had five doctors do a breast exam (breast surgeon, her fellow, plastic surgeon, his resident and the oncologist) I felt like the main event at a peep show! DH and KM were with me for all the visits and the last time I changed with them in the room, I didn't even bother to turn my back! I briefly considered going topless for the rest of the day, but I put my shirt back on as a public service.
Everyone I encountered at Siteman Cancer Center was extremely nice and professional. Even though I'm an RN, all the doctors actually explained everything to me, which was refreshing for a change. I dunno, maybe it helps that I've never worked with any of these doctors. Maybe they didn't even notice that I was an RN on my chart. In any case, they dumbed it down considerably. The breast surgeon actually specializes in breast cancer in women under the age of 40. I think it's kinda sad that there's enough of us that it's a specialty. She was great though and only three years older than me! She explained all my tests and pathology and by the time I left there I had a good idea exactly what was the problem and what would fix it.
The funniest part of the day was the plastic surgeon visit. He worked me in even though I didn't have an appointment and took the time to show me pictures so I could think about what kind of reconstruction I want to have, even though it will be a separate surgery down the road. His resident came and did my history and physical. Then the actual surgeon came in and the resident just observed. When Dr. B got to the part about what the scars might look like and that they'll be covered by most clothing, I asked him if my days as a stripper were over. The surgeon, DH, and KM laughed because they knew I was joking, but the resident, bless his heart, he blushed and was speechless. I sure wish I'd had a camera to get a shot of his reaction...it was priceless!
Did you know they take "before" pictures at the plastic surgeon? Let me tell you, it's a bizarre experience to pose topless in capris and sandals against a blue wall with the plastic surgeon taking front/both profile/in-between pics with your hubby, your friend, a resident and a nurse looking on. I was really wishing I'd worn a high top girdle that pushed all my belly fat up into my cleavage, or at least done some sit-ups or something!
I guess the worst part of the day was when I went to see the oncologist and it's not really anyone's fault, everyone was great, but I just started to feel like a cancer patient. Ugh. Up till this point I've just felt like myself with a treatable problem, not a patient. Certainly not a CANCER patient. The MA who took my vitals at the oncologist's office was very nice and appropriate, but when I saw the sheet she was writing all my vitals on and it had so many columns to write them, I just wanted to cry because I realized those pages were going to have a lot written on them in the next few months. She showed us to the room and I asked her to show me to the bathroom because my three-kid bladder was full from all of Applebee's tea and because I needed to pull myself together. I know DH certainly doesn't need to see me wuss out because it'll only make it worse on him. So I peed and pulled it together. I'm getting better at it, one of these days I hope to become a pro.
Dr. M the oncologist wore white sandals with 2 inch heels with hose!! OMG...fashion disaster!! Yes I know it's before Labor Day but geez, open toe shoes with pantyhose? I mean, there was a copy of People Style Watch in her waiting room...she should consider reading it sometime!! I think she's too busy doing research and writing papers. Her CV probably reads like a James Michener novel. I know when I read about her on Siteman's website, I scrolled quickly through all the articles she's co-written and I probably would have understood more if it was written in Greek.
So here's the plan: surgery August 28, go up the night before, probably only one night but possibly two in the hospital, oncologist a week later to discuss pathology and determine what treatment I'll need afterward. I feel extremely confident that I'm in the best of hands and I'm going to be just fine.
The past few days since I had my appointment I have just chilled out at my girl KM's house. She's cooked, we've drank beer, swam, fed animals, hung out and talked. The kids have played and had a great time. They love all the strange animals. It's been kind of nice not having the hubbies here because all the girl yapping drives them nuts I'm sure, but I have missed them. They are good friends too and I know they would have enjoyed hanging out like we have. Oh well, next time I guess.
Headed back to my house briefly tomorrow, then off to hillbilly land to visit my relations. Mom doesn't have high speed internet so it may be a week before I blog again.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Busy!!
Well it's been a few days since I blogged 'cause I've been BUSY! That's right...I got off my ass and started getting some stuff done. My girl BeBe came over Thursday and Friday and we started cleaning my nasty house! It is so much better now and I can actually stand to walk into my kitchen. In case you didn't know...Domino's wing sauce will stain your white vinyl kitchen floor and NOTHING gets it out!! So I now have new orange accents on the floor near my table. I guess that's what I get for checking out for a week or two.
My nephew came up to visit Friday night with his little girls and we took all the kids to eat Chinese food and then they caught lightening bugs while we drank a few PBRs in the driveway. Such a pleasant night.
Yesterday was a BBQ at my in-laws since we have so many relatives in visiting so everyone could get together without having to make the rounds. Last night was girls' night with BeBe & John's Girl. Today is my daughter's BFF's birthday party at the lake and moving some furniture and appliances tonight...gosh where does the fun end? Um, right there where I said moving furniture and appliances, duh.
The best is yet to come though...DH is on his way home for a few days! I think I'll cook breakfast tomorrow morning to celebrate!! And I leave tomorrow evening to go to my girl Kondee's Mom's place since she's going to my doctor's appointments with me Tuesday. And then we're just gonna chill at her place a few days...I can't wait for a change of scenery and to find out what the game plan is! Who knows, maybe they'll tell me the exact same thing they told me here, but at least I'll know it's right, or as right as it can be considering there's no treatment that's 100% curative.
Anyway, I guess the point of this post is that I've actually gotten moving instead of being all inside myself and mopey. It's very easy to get into that cycle and very hard to break it. I just had to humble myself (hard for me since I want people to always think I have it together) and ask my friend for help. And BeBe being the cool chick she is just said OK, when do you want to start? No judgement, no shocked look when she saw my kitchen and laundry room, just started folding clean clothes and washing dishes and scrubbing cabinets and walls...and kept me going because I'm easily distracted!
I know that family and friends are what's going to help me through this time, and I'm thankful God has given me such an amazing support system.
My nephew came up to visit Friday night with his little girls and we took all the kids to eat Chinese food and then they caught lightening bugs while we drank a few PBRs in the driveway. Such a pleasant night.
Yesterday was a BBQ at my in-laws since we have so many relatives in visiting so everyone could get together without having to make the rounds. Last night was girls' night with BeBe & John's Girl. Today is my daughter's BFF's birthday party at the lake and moving some furniture and appliances tonight...gosh where does the fun end? Um, right there where I said moving furniture and appliances, duh.
The best is yet to come though...DH is on his way home for a few days! I think I'll cook breakfast tomorrow morning to celebrate!! And I leave tomorrow evening to go to my girl Kondee's Mom's place since she's going to my doctor's appointments with me Tuesday. And then we're just gonna chill at her place a few days...I can't wait for a change of scenery and to find out what the game plan is! Who knows, maybe they'll tell me the exact same thing they told me here, but at least I'll know it's right, or as right as it can be considering there's no treatment that's 100% curative.
Anyway, I guess the point of this post is that I've actually gotten moving instead of being all inside myself and mopey. It's very easy to get into that cycle and very hard to break it. I just had to humble myself (hard for me since I want people to always think I have it together) and ask my friend for help. And BeBe being the cool chick she is just said OK, when do you want to start? No judgement, no shocked look when she saw my kitchen and laundry room, just started folding clean clothes and washing dishes and scrubbing cabinets and walls...and kept me going because I'm easily distracted!
I know that family and friends are what's going to help me through this time, and I'm thankful God has given me such an amazing support system.
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