In the blink of an eye...

I wish I was like my friend Bungalow Bill and had something or multiple somethings to say every day. I have lots of opinions, it's true, but I also have the attention span of an elderly gnat so if I'm not where I can blog RIGHTNOW those thoughts are just going to drift on back to the dark corners of my brain.

Which is probably where most of them belong...

Anyhoo, I'm here, I have time and I have something on my mind. As soon as I grab a cup of coffee.

Alrighty, that's better. I was driving back from dropping the kids off at school and thinking about the significance of this date. For me it's fresh and still painful and probably always will be. Four years ago today my brother (in-law) passed away from recurrence of a cancer that's usually a childhood cancer. He was diagnosed when he was 28 or 29 and we lost him just after his 37th birthday. For weeks we weren't sure what was wrong with him and for months we were so afraid we were going to lose him. And then he had surgery and radiation and got back on his feet. The cancer couldn't be completely eradicated due to its location but the doctors watched him closely, doing tests frequently and watching those tumors.

We settled back into "normal" life, whatever that is. DH and I moved back from Louisiana. We had two more kids, my brother (in-law) and sister (in-law) had another kid. Our older kids were approaching their teen years. We went to soccer games and baseball games, had BBQs and birthday parties. And then the cancer came back.

For months he fought it. He had two more surgeries and multiple cyber knife treatments and chemo. And we hit a holding pattern. Things didn't get better but they didn't get worse either. But finally, it hit the point where there was nothing more that could be done. We fought against it. My sister (in-law) worked herself to death trying to keep the family going and take care of her beloved.

In spite of the fact we were only an hour away, DH and I weren't involved nearly enough. I was working two jobs and we were always just so busy and so tired. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for not being there more. I just hope my brother (in-law), wherever he is, knew that we loved him dearly. Because we did.

He had the most infectious laugh. He was so good at basketball. Everyone who knew him thought he was a great guy. Because he was a great guy. He would get down on the floor and wrestle with the kids. I hate it that my little ones didn't get to know him like Number One Son did. I smile whenever I think of him and when I see kids playing sports or someone drive by in a Jeep, he pops in my head. After we moved back, he and I talked on the phone almost weekly. We used to laugh about the fact that we were married to a brother and sister and talked to each other more than they did.

It breaks my heart that he's not around to guide his kids, to coach and cheer them on at soccer and basketball games. I know he would be proud of what they are becoming.

For many April 19 is burned in memory from Waco in 1993 and Oklahoma City in 1995. American History buffs remember April 19, 1775 as the beginning of the American Revolution, with the "shot heard round the world."

But for our family, it's the day we lost our brother, son, friend, father and husband. We will never forget.