Resolve

Well, my unstated resolution for 2011 was to update my blog more often. Looking back over my posts over the past several months, I've noticed a pattern. When things are going badly, I blog a lot. When they are going good, not so much. So this year I'm going to try to blog during both good and bad times and see if it doesn't seem more balanced.

So, what is today? A good day or a bad day? Well, a little of both I guess. The kiddos are back in school and things are kind of getting back to normal around here. I say kind of because DH is still at home and I'm not really sure when he's supposed to go back to work. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE having him home, but he's kind of a bad influence on me. He makes me wanna sit around and watch movies and hang out and talk and not do housework or errands or clean out the humongous piles of crap (not literal crap, just random stuff) in my bedroom and laundry room and closets and then kids' rooms (see a pattern here?). So right now my furniture is all askew, all the bedrooms are a wreck, and there's probably 17 loads of laundry to be done. I guess we have been making up for time spent apart and I guess all that crap will still be there when he goes back to work. The only problem is I have company coming in a couple of weeks and I don't want them to think I live like this!! So I've got to get some motivation going and get at least some of it straightened up. It will probably help my frame of mind too.

I'm a little worried about DH. I know he stresses about money when he's not working. I do too, that's why I paid some bills early last month because I knew he'd be off. I don't want him to worry though. The past year has taught me so much how God truly does provide. Maybe not everything you want, but certainly everything you need. I lost my job, DH got one that paid way better than mine so we're in a better place financially. I lost my insurance and got cancer, I got MOHealthnet that covers more and allowed me to go to better physicians at a top cancer center instead of the local hospital that was the only option on my employer's insurance. I had something of a strained relationship with my parents, but they came through and helped us out of the love that was always there and I've been more open with them without feeling rejected because some of my actions and beliefs are different from theirs. Now we have a better relationship and I don't feel like I'm hiding things anymore. I thought I had it all together, but no one has it all together and everyone needs help from time to time. I leaned on friends and family for support and meals and help with housework and I discovered some amazing friends that I maybe had overlooked. I found that some friends that I thought would always be there for me really weren't all that great but they were doing the best they can. I started seeing people for what they are...some are self-absorbed and some are not...some are there at the drop of a hat and some will tell you they will be but then leave you high and dry.

Having a serious illness opened my eyes to see through a lot of bullshit. Maybe that's not the nicest way to put it but it's real, for God's sake. There are a lot of phony people in the world, people who are all talk and no action. People waste a lot of time gossiping and judging when what they should be doing is loving and helping and praying. I know over the past several months I've had a lot of people praying for me and my family. Probably a lot of those people I don't even know, but they still took the time to pray for a young mother's healing and survival and for my children's well-being. Some of that prayer was also backed up by action...meals, gift cards, help with travel expenses, driving me to chemo, helping out with child care, taking kids back and forth to school and football, cleaning my house, cleaning out my fridge, and so many other actions that I can't think of right now. My cup truly runneth over.

Cancer also made me take a look at who I truly am, not just what people see. Is the image I project the real me? It should be, and I am trying very hard to make sure that it is. I am not the same girl I was when I was 10 or 20 or even 30. I am changing and growing all the time. Why do I wear the clothes I wear or style my hair a certain way? Do I really like it or am I doing it because it's the fashion or to please someone else? What about my make-up, jewelry, tattoos, and head coverings? All these things reflect me, the real me, not the "me" that other people may want me to be but the one who is evolving every day. And my words...are they real or fake? Do I mean what I say and say what I mean? I hope so...I'm trying every day. I may not be going to church right now but I do pray a lot. And I try to be me...just me...imperfect, wart and all.

And now, the real me has to go pick BabyBoy up from school!

new year...new post!

We had a good time last night for New Years. DH and I celebrated at our bar. The nice thing about owning your own place is when you close you can kick everyone out and then hang out. Which is what we did last night. It was cool to just visit with BFF and BD for awhile last night. OK technically early this morning.

I've been pondering New Year's resolutions for a couple of weeks and I still haven't decided if I'm gonna make any. Usually it's just a setup for epic fail. Maybe my resolution should be not to make resolutions. In any case, I do have some big plans for the new year. I'm not sure exactly what they are but when I come up with them I will let you know.

Right now I'm trying to decide whether to make my own birthday cake or send DH out to the store to buy one. I'm leaning toward making my own...I have a bundt cake pan that I haven't used in quite a while. I even got it out and looked at it yesterday. When DH asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I told him to just take the kids to the store and let them pick out something. I'm kind of anxious to open my presents and see how they did.

So far 37 feels strangely similar to 36. My back hurts this morning but it's been hurting for several days so I don't think it's age related. I've gotten a ton of happy birthdays on my Facebook and phone and I appreciate every one of them.

Alrighty, then. Time to head upstairs and get the cake going. I will have to send poor DH out for some black eyed peas for good luck!