Well, I had good intentions of blogging last night, but somehow the sandman caught up with me by the time I finished googling how to spell "verklempt." A google search of that word, of course, brought up the old Mike Myers Coffee Talk with Linda Richman skit from Saturday Night Live, and of course I had to watch it. Top of the list on Hulu was the one with Madonna and Roseanne where Barbra Streisand made a guest appearance. Ahhh, memories.
But verklempt I was yesterday when I walked into the 7th floor waiting room at Siteman Cancer Center. As I looked around the room while I waited to get my blood drawn, I couldn't help but remember being there for the first time last August. I was scared to death but trying not to show it. I'm glad I had my good friend Kondee's Mom and my loving DH with me. It made me wish I'd tried a little harder to get someone to come with me yesterday, but I honestly didn't think it would be anything other than routine. And it really wasn't, except inside my head and heart.
All that talk about coffee made me want some, and coffee made me want breakfast, but now I'm back.
It's been hard to blog this summer as I've gotten busier and not had much of a schedule. But with school starting Thursday, I think it's time to get back on track. I have a running to-do list a mile long, but it's torture to only do chores, so I've been trying to intersperse some fun stuff in there too. Funny how I don't have a hard time checking "get nails done" off the list, but "clean out junk rooms" (yes, there's TWO of them!) just keeps sitting there, big blank space off to the side, and all the junk keeps sitting there too. So I've made it a goal to work on the junk, 15 minutes at a time, and eventually it will be gone. As long as I resist adding to it (I can hear DH laughing as he reads this!!)
But anyway, back to my overwhelming emotions yesterday. It was such a strange mix of happy and sad, foreboding and relief. I teared up as I was waiting to get my blood drawn, but I sucked it up quickly because I realized that I really didn't want someone I don't know diving into my business, asking what's wrong, comforting me, etc. Yep, that's right, I'm finally getting back to normal!!! I looked around the room and saw people who looked sick and people who looked well. I saw suffering, bitterness, anger, despair, hope, desperation, acceptance, sadness and joy. I realized I'd been through all those feelings and so much more over the past year. In fact, in my verklempt moment, I think I experienced all of them at once, which was why I felt so full. I WAS full. And full is so, so much better than empty.
Empty. Yep that's the word I was looking for. That's what was different. I had felt empty for a few months as I was transitioning from being sick to being well. Don't get me wrong, I still had the support and love of my friends and family. I still had people calling or texting, offering help if I needed it, being gracious if I declined invitations and understanding if I left early. But still, I felt like something was missing. I know my doctor saw it too, which is why she offered to refer me to the psychologist at Siteman when I saw her back in March. I figured a head shrinker 200 miles out of the way probably wasn't going to be helpful, so I started seeing someone locally about 4 months ago.
I was surprised, initially, that anyone could possibly think I needed some mental help after the events of the last year. After all, I was coping, wasn't I? I was getting out of bed every day, brushing my teeth, eating, cleaning up after the kids, going to PTA meetings, doing stuff for the bar, etc. I was getting back to normal life. Except I wasn't.
In reality I was burying my feelings, unless they were happy ones. And they should be happy ones, right? After all, I have so much to be thankful for! I'm done with cancer treatments, my kids are healthy, my DH has a good job, the bar business is growing, I'm losing weight, I have a dependable car and a roof over my head. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
But I still felt empty. If I was an evangelical, this is where I would inject that I needed Jesus to fill me up. I'm a Christian, so I know it wasn't God or Jesus I was missing. In fact, I've felt closer to God over the past year because of all the troubles I've had. I've felt like Job at times, although he had it WAY worse than me.
Empty. All this good, all this light, but empty. Why oh why when I lay my head on the pillow at night could I not turn my brain off and go to sleep?? Why oh why would I fall asleep watching TV or reading and then crawl in bed and it's like I just drank a venti red eye?? What was wrong with me?
Dr. E has finally helped me put my finger on it. Talking to her every couple of weeks for an hour has helped me discover what the problem is, why I should be happy and can't, why in the past I should have been sad and wasn't. Cyclothymic disorder. It's like a mild form of bipolar disorder. As a matter of fact, what clued me in was the article in People back in April about Catherine Zeta-Jones struggle with bipolar disorder. After I read the article, it was like the pieces of the puzzle finally started to fit.
I talked to DH and he read up on it a little and agreed the symptoms seemed to align with my behavior. I mentioned it to Dr. E and we explored the possibility that I was bipolar as opposed to dysthymic (like a mild form of depression). In the end, since my up moods were not extreme (no $10K spending sprees or gambling weekends), she settled on cyclothymic disorder for a diagnosis.
Diagnosis. A label. Some people would find having a diagnosed mental illness to be disturbing, shameful, embarrassing. I find it...relieving. Yes, there really is something wrong with me! (Pipe down over there, peanut gallery!) That doesn't mean I'm GLAD there's something wrong and I'm not going to use it as an excuse for bad behavior, but to know that there is something a little off in my brain that causes my mood to cycle up and down, well, it helps. If I'm aware of it, I can have some control over it. I've been working with Dr. E on ways to recognize my mood is going one way or the other and strategies to control it.
Yep. That's right. I said control. Dealing with a mental disorder is all about control. I can't control my brain chemicals, but I can control my behavior. I can exercise, I can have a routine, I can have a bedtime, I can limit alcohol, I can take a sleeping pill when I need it. I can recognize when I'm cycling up or down and not feed into the behaviors that go along with the up and down.
No more dragging out my entire closet onto my bed because I have to clean out my closet today. No more procrastination, which is an off-shoot of perfectionism. No more perfectionism, for that matter.
I wish I could figure out exactly what clicked yesterday. What made me realize my gauge had moved from empty to full? I'm looking around my house, and I'm still seeing my little fires that need to be put out. I'm going over my "to-do" list and there are still things that need to be done. That list will never be empty. Maybe that's what it is. The understanding that I will never get it all done, and it will never be perfect. But I can still get a lot of it done, and I can do my best. Not perfect.
Just...me.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
I'm still here!! Really!
I've not fallen off the face of the earth, just took a little break. The kiddos are out of school and I've taken on a few more responsibilities at the bar, so it's a little difficult to blog. Plus NOS has become obsessed with some game on the internet and it's getting harder and harder to wrestle the computer away from him. He's getting big!! But I swear, I will be catching everyone up soon! Promise ;-)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Hurtful words and deeds
The past couple of days have been, well, just awful. I won't go into details, but let's just say DH and I have been tusslin like two cornfed farm boys over Mama's last biscuit. I think maybe, just maybe, we have finally buried the hatchet, and of course, something good has come out of the whole situation.
I came to realize I didn't really have my priorities in the right order. I am currently taking a break from Facebook and Twitter so maybe I can get back on track (although, when I post links I will have to get on there, but I won't look, Ma, I promise!!) This week I have unintentionally hurt people I really love and I don't have a good reason. But upon examining my actions, I realized I've got a lot of anger that I haven't dealt with. Now what on earth could I possibly be angry about? Haha, glad you asked. I'm angry because I feel like I've been let down by people who love me. But what have I done about it? I've suppressed it, pushed it way down, compressed it to the point that if it was a lump of coal it would be a diamond. I've ignored it to the point that I've done hurtful things to a couple of people, I think, subconsciously wanting to hurt them like they've hurt me.
I spent a couple of hours yesterday afternoon crying on the shoulder of my good friend BeBe and once I got it all out, she told me what she thought...that I've been depressed, probably because I have been through a lot the past year and haven't really dealt with it. And it's true. Yeah, I've blogged, but I often concentrate on the funny stuff or just putting info out there without really getting into my true feelings.
I don't blame the people who I felt have let me down. I think everyone gives exactly as much as they can when they can, and if that doesn't live up to my expectations, and I don't let them know, then it is my fault, not theirs. So I guess a lot of my anger comes back to myself. I'm angry that I haven't been able to express my needs and wants. I'm angry because I have felt like I can't burden anyone with my problems. I feel like I have "given it to God" so many times, and it helps for awhile, but sometimes I need a little feedback. I need someone else to say "I've got this," without it sounding like I'm a huge inconvenience to them. Maybe God has given me feedback and I've not been listening.
I'm angry with BFF because I feel like she started avoiding me after I got diagnosed. But you know what? I've never said a word. If I can't even talk to her and tell her how I feel, how good of friends are we? Instead, I blew her off and went out with other friends. I justified it to myself because I figured she wouldn't really miss me. I miscalculated badly. But I think, deep down, I just wanted to hurt her like she's hurt me. Or how I think she's hurt me. Because here's the thing...I've never once acted like I've had a problem. I've just smiled and gone on. I should not have done that. I should have said, hey, are you avoiding me? But I didn't want to upset her, Lord knows she's also had a lot going on in the past year. The last thing someone who is spread too thin needs is someone trying to get more attention.
I'm angry with DH too, because he's not been physically here with me through a lot of my illness. Again, not his fault. I've never said, can you please talk to your boss and see if you can take a few days off. When he flew in last month I wanted us to just spend his two days in St. Louis, just me and him. But I didn't say anything. Even if he hadn't have wanted to, I should have at least said that I wanted to.
So today, I plan to start rectifying the situation. I'm going to talk to BFF and DH, share how I feel, and listen to how they feel too. They are angry with me and have every right to be. But if we don't talk to each other and work it out, if we just keep burying our problems deeper and deeper, they are not going to resolve, they will only get worse. And eventually they will rear their ugly heads and make a minor thing turn into a big explosion. And I don't want that.
I came to realize I didn't really have my priorities in the right order. I am currently taking a break from Facebook and Twitter so maybe I can get back on track (although, when I post links I will have to get on there, but I won't look, Ma, I promise!!) This week I have unintentionally hurt people I really love and I don't have a good reason. But upon examining my actions, I realized I've got a lot of anger that I haven't dealt with. Now what on earth could I possibly be angry about? Haha, glad you asked. I'm angry because I feel like I've been let down by people who love me. But what have I done about it? I've suppressed it, pushed it way down, compressed it to the point that if it was a lump of coal it would be a diamond. I've ignored it to the point that I've done hurtful things to a couple of people, I think, subconsciously wanting to hurt them like they've hurt me.
I spent a couple of hours yesterday afternoon crying on the shoulder of my good friend BeBe and once I got it all out, she told me what she thought...that I've been depressed, probably because I have been through a lot the past year and haven't really dealt with it. And it's true. Yeah, I've blogged, but I often concentrate on the funny stuff or just putting info out there without really getting into my true feelings.
I don't blame the people who I felt have let me down. I think everyone gives exactly as much as they can when they can, and if that doesn't live up to my expectations, and I don't let them know, then it is my fault, not theirs. So I guess a lot of my anger comes back to myself. I'm angry that I haven't been able to express my needs and wants. I'm angry because I have felt like I can't burden anyone with my problems. I feel like I have "given it to God" so many times, and it helps for awhile, but sometimes I need a little feedback. I need someone else to say "I've got this," without it sounding like I'm a huge inconvenience to them. Maybe God has given me feedback and I've not been listening.
I'm angry with BFF because I feel like she started avoiding me after I got diagnosed. But you know what? I've never said a word. If I can't even talk to her and tell her how I feel, how good of friends are we? Instead, I blew her off and went out with other friends. I justified it to myself because I figured she wouldn't really miss me. I miscalculated badly. But I think, deep down, I just wanted to hurt her like she's hurt me. Or how I think she's hurt me. Because here's the thing...I've never once acted like I've had a problem. I've just smiled and gone on. I should not have done that. I should have said, hey, are you avoiding me? But I didn't want to upset her, Lord knows she's also had a lot going on in the past year. The last thing someone who is spread too thin needs is someone trying to get more attention.
I'm angry with DH too, because he's not been physically here with me through a lot of my illness. Again, not his fault. I've never said, can you please talk to your boss and see if you can take a few days off. When he flew in last month I wanted us to just spend his two days in St. Louis, just me and him. But I didn't say anything. Even if he hadn't have wanted to, I should have at least said that I wanted to.
So today, I plan to start rectifying the situation. I'm going to talk to BFF and DH, share how I feel, and listen to how they feel too. They are angry with me and have every right to be. But if we don't talk to each other and work it out, if we just keep burying our problems deeper and deeper, they are not going to resolve, they will only get worse. And eventually they will rear their ugly heads and make a minor thing turn into a big explosion. And I don't want that.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Rant!
Note: This is strictly my opinion. If you post things on Facebook that annoy the crap out of me on a regular basis, I don't defriend you unless I really don't know you or don't like you. I just take you off my NewsFeed so I don't have to be annoyed. And I know I've done some of these things before too.
I have profiles on both Twitter and Facebook and I use them very differently. I have gotten dinged on more than one occasion for griping about a person in my Facebook status, of course without saying who I'm talking about but giving enough information that they can figure it out. Or thinking I'm being clever and then someone thinks I'm talking about them and I'm really not. Twitter is much more anonymous...most of my Twitter followers do not know me personally, although I've actually made some friends of my followers. Kind of interesting how posting random crap and following a genre of music's bands and blogs can bring you to people you have something in common with. Probably more in common with than people you went to high school or college with. (That was sarcasm. If I'm friends with someone on Facebook, it's because I know them and like them. I think.)
Anyway, today's rant is about my social media time-wasters, as DH calls them, and how things people post on them annoy the crap out of me.
1. The copy and paste status, version 1. Whether it's sons' week, daughters' week, hairdressers' cousins' week, retarded Chihuahuas' (wait, is that an oxymoron?) week, at least 5 times a week someone is copying and pasting some BS status, probably because they think their son, daughter, hairdresser's cousin or retarded Chihuahua will be offended if they don't. I figure how you feel about any of these people at any given time is your business, and if you wanna share how you feel about them, you can tell them anytime, in a variety of ways...in person, via text message, in an e-mail, by skywriter or smoke signal. You can even send them a Hallmark card, but only if you care enough to send the very best. Most of us (OK, maybe I'm the only one) aren't that interested. I joined Facebook to share how awesome my life is, how incredibly smart and beautiful my kids are, how enormously successful I have been, and how I've put on about 50 pounds since high school. Plus the occasional pithy comment. And it's that kind of information I'm expecting to see when I creep on other people's profiles and read their status updates.
2. The copy and paste status, version 2. This one is a little more innocuous and I've been sucked in on more than one occasion. Usually it's a disease (cancer is a favorite) or perhaps a special needs group (special education week is quite common), but it's always something that you'd just have to be a supreme a-hole to not support. I mean, come on, who DOESN'T want a cure for diabetes? Who's gonna admit they stare at people who have 3 eyes? But guess what? Just because you don't copy and paste whatever crap it is this week in your status update doesn't mean you're against it! It just means you're against copying and pasting crap in your status update.
3. The raising awareness by...changing your picture to your favorite dog breed, putting your shoe size in your status, or whatever. I can't even think of anything right now. How does making Captain Cavemen my profile pic keep some dude in Alpena from beating his kid? Or putting my bra color in my status raise breast cancer awareness? What does "raising awareness" even mean anyway? I think we are all aware of the existence of cancer, autism, PETA and unemployed middle-aged actresses. The big question is, what are we going to do about it? I'm not sure Facebook is the best forum. Or I dunno, maybe it is. Maybe if we are aware of a disease we can cure it. Screw research, medicine and funding. And just because I don't jump on board doesn't mean I don't care.
4. The online petition. These have changed over the years, remember the ones that were chain e-mails that you typed your name at the bottom and then forwarded it to everyone in your inbox? Now you go to a website and it's supposed to go to where it says it will, unlike the e-mail ones that I often wondered what happened to them. My problem with petitions? You don't get an objective view of the issue, only the side the petiton-monger wants you to hear. My latest example and the subject that sent me over the edge is the petition on asking people to show their support for HB 669, a bill that would require doctors to inform breast cancer patients of all of their options before they undergo surgery. Now let me get this straight, there are women going into breast surgery who don't know what they are having done? Or they don't know there are a couple of different kinds of surgery, either of which may be appropriate, and they can have reconstruction? Are you freaking kidding me? What is the first thing nearly anyone is going to do when they get a devastating (or even minor) diagnosis? Do a little research! For heaven's sake, when I got the news given to me, they gave me handouts right then about breast cancer! Now I realize I have a healthcare background but come on, really, unless you can't read, there is no excuse for not looking into your treatment prior to getting your treatment! I visited two surgeons prior to my surgery and based on my mammogram and MRI, they both recommended the same treatment. They both mentioned lumpectomy and mastectomy and explained why a lumpectomy probably wouldn't work (since there was no LUMP!!) and told me about reconstruction options, even though a plastic surgeon would be the one doing it. For some reason I don't think my doctors were atypical. Really, the government is going to shut down in a week because there's no budget and we're fighting THREE wars but we need to pass a law making sure doctors...doctor???
And finally...
5. Being dirty for the sake of being dirty. I'm pretty "live and let live" but geez, I don't wanna read Tweets or status updates about any of your bodily functions or who you want to have sex with! Just because it pops into your head doesn't mean you have to share it.
One of these days I'm gonna get back to finishing my story...maybe tomorrow!
I have profiles on both Twitter and Facebook and I use them very differently. I have gotten dinged on more than one occasion for griping about a person in my Facebook status, of course without saying who I'm talking about but giving enough information that they can figure it out. Or thinking I'm being clever and then someone thinks I'm talking about them and I'm really not. Twitter is much more anonymous...most of my Twitter followers do not know me personally, although I've actually made some friends of my followers. Kind of interesting how posting random crap and following a genre of music's bands and blogs can bring you to people you have something in common with. Probably more in common with than people you went to high school or college with. (That was sarcasm. If I'm friends with someone on Facebook, it's because I know them and like them. I think.)
Anyway, today's rant is about my social media time-wasters, as DH calls them, and how things people post on them annoy the crap out of me.
1. The copy and paste status, version 1. Whether it's sons' week, daughters' week, hairdressers' cousins' week, retarded Chihuahuas' (wait, is that an oxymoron?) week, at least 5 times a week someone is copying and pasting some BS status, probably because they think their son, daughter, hairdresser's cousin or retarded Chihuahua will be offended if they don't. I figure how you feel about any of these people at any given time is your business, and if you wanna share how you feel about them, you can tell them anytime, in a variety of ways...in person, via text message, in an e-mail, by skywriter or smoke signal. You can even send them a Hallmark card, but only if you care enough to send the very best. Most of us (OK, maybe I'm the only one) aren't that interested. I joined Facebook to share how awesome my life is, how incredibly smart and beautiful my kids are, how enormously successful I have been, and how I've put on about 50 pounds since high school. Plus the occasional pithy comment. And it's that kind of information I'm expecting to see when I creep on other people's profiles and read their status updates.
2. The copy and paste status, version 2. This one is a little more innocuous and I've been sucked in on more than one occasion. Usually it's a disease (cancer is a favorite) or perhaps a special needs group (special education week is quite common), but it's always something that you'd just have to be a supreme a-hole to not support. I mean, come on, who DOESN'T want a cure for diabetes? Who's gonna admit they stare at people who have 3 eyes? But guess what? Just because you don't copy and paste whatever crap it is this week in your status update doesn't mean you're against it! It just means you're against copying and pasting crap in your status update.
3. The raising awareness by...changing your picture to your favorite dog breed, putting your shoe size in your status, or whatever. I can't even think of anything right now. How does making Captain Cavemen my profile pic keep some dude in Alpena from beating his kid? Or putting my bra color in my status raise breast cancer awareness? What does "raising awareness" even mean anyway? I think we are all aware of the existence of cancer, autism, PETA and unemployed middle-aged actresses. The big question is, what are we going to do about it? I'm not sure Facebook is the best forum. Or I dunno, maybe it is. Maybe if we are aware of a disease we can cure it. Screw research, medicine and funding. And just because I don't jump on board doesn't mean I don't care.
4. The online petition. These have changed over the years, remember the ones that were chain e-mails that you typed your name at the bottom and then forwarded it to everyone in your inbox? Now you go to a website and it's supposed to go to where it says it will, unlike the e-mail ones that I often wondered what happened to them. My problem with petitions? You don't get an objective view of the issue, only the side the petiton-monger wants you to hear. My latest example and the subject that sent me over the edge is the petition on asking people to show their support for HB 669, a bill that would require doctors to inform breast cancer patients of all of their options before they undergo surgery. Now let me get this straight, there are women going into breast surgery who don't know what they are having done? Or they don't know there are a couple of different kinds of surgery, either of which may be appropriate, and they can have reconstruction? Are you freaking kidding me? What is the first thing nearly anyone is going to do when they get a devastating (or even minor) diagnosis? Do a little research! For heaven's sake, when I got the news given to me, they gave me handouts right then about breast cancer! Now I realize I have a healthcare background but come on, really, unless you can't read, there is no excuse for not looking into your treatment prior to getting your treatment! I visited two surgeons prior to my surgery and based on my mammogram and MRI, they both recommended the same treatment. They both mentioned lumpectomy and mastectomy and explained why a lumpectomy probably wouldn't work (since there was no LUMP!!) and told me about reconstruction options, even though a plastic surgeon would be the one doing it. For some reason I don't think my doctors were atypical. Really, the government is going to shut down in a week because there's no budget and we're fighting THREE wars but we need to pass a law making sure doctors...doctor???
And finally...
5. Being dirty for the sake of being dirty. I'm pretty "live and let live" but geez, I don't wanna read Tweets or status updates about any of your bodily functions or who you want to have sex with! Just because it pops into your head doesn't mean you have to share it.
One of these days I'm gonna get back to finishing my story...maybe tomorrow!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Me and my big ol' mouth, health update, St. Paddy's
You'd think in 37 years I'd learn when to keep my mouth shut. Well, I kind of have, except when it comes to my Facebook. Sometimes when I'm aggravated about something I spout off on Facebook, not thinking that there are over 500 people who may see it and read something into it. Or figure I'm talking about them. I really gotta learn to Tweet my annoyance rather than Facebook it. Or maybe I should just keep it to myself.
My appointments at Siteman went well last week. I see my oncologist again in three months, my plastic surgeon again in six weeks and my breast surgeon in a year. All my labs were back to normal, my weight was pretty stable, my incisions from my implants looked good, my bone density was within normal limits, and Dr. M (breast surgeon) told me how to find a recurrence. Thank God, because I've been wondering about that for six months and never thought to ask.
So how does a woman who's had a bilateral mastectomy determine if her breast cancer has recurred? Well, the implants are under the pectoralis muscle, so if the cancer comes back, it will be a lump on my breast. So I still am supposed to do monthly breast exams! And if there's distant metastasis, well, you find that the same way you'd find it otherwise.
Pinup Barber and I had a lot of fun in St. Louis. We had awesome bar food for lunch (reubens, curly fries and bleu cheese chips...sinful!!) and sushi for dinner. For dessert, cosmopolitans (Pinup Barber), Smithwick's (me) and a couple of Purple Hooters (which we had never heard of before, but they were good). All the drinks were consumed at the bar adjacent to the hotel so we didn't have to worry about driving. Pinup Barber prank called her husband after we got back to the room. It was pretty funny. At least I thought so. I guess we were cold when we got back so we turned on the heat, but I woke up at like three AM and I swear it was 80 degrees in there! So I turned on the air and it was much more like it. I think we've both gotten used to husbands who freeze us out.
We found the coolest little store Tuesday and we both bought a ton of clothes, shoes and jewelry. They had their boots on clearance and we both got cute new boots. I also got some ridiculous 5 inch platform wedges. I've worn them once and fell down twice before I left the house, but managed to stay upright in public. I should probably only wear them when I'm the designated driver though. I also expanded my large earring collection. With hair as short as mine, I've gotta make sure it's obvious which team I play for.
I got a sweet surprise Wednesday...DH got to come home for about a day and a half! He texted me and asked me to look for a cheap flight when I got home, but by the time I got home to look for one he had already booked it and e-mailed me his itinerary. He flew into St. Louis...three hour drive up to get him but totally worth it :-) And he did drive most of the way back home.
I was so glad he made it home for St. Paddy's so we could wear our matching kilts. Well, kind of matching...when girls wear kilts they are supposed to fall below the knee and mens' are supposed to be at or slightly above the knee. Besides the matching vintage Captain America motorcycle helmets, we are not a matchy-matchy couple. I honestly even try not to wear our bar shirts at the same time he does unless we are representing. But we do make a few exceptions. I fished out my new Guinness shirt and a green belt just in case someone didn't notice our bar name embroidered in green on my kilt. I couldn't find my shamrock knee socks so I just wore flip flops...now that's quite a statement huh?
For St. Paddy's we got matching tattoos!! Yep we went with our best friends and we all got a little four-leaf clover. And it looks like I'll be wearing flip-flops a lot for the next couple of weeks since I got mine on my left foot! Everyone else got theirs incorporated into their sleeves, but I don't have a sleeve. Probably never will either...not sure I could get away with that as a nurse. And I'm so hot-natured since I've been in my chemically induced menopause that I'd die if I had to wear a long-sleeve shirt under my scrubs to cover my tattoos. So I'll stick with tattooing areas that are hidden by business casual...
Our St. Paddy's party was an absolute blast. The bar was packed and everyone raved about C's corned beef and cabbage and potatoes. She corned the beef herself instead of using pre-made corned beef. I think it was all gone before the second band even started and I'll bet less than half the people there ate. The bands were incredible and the turnout was just awesome. Thank goodness the weather cooperated. Since St. Paddy's was on Thursday and our bike nights are on Thursdays, we went ahead and kicked off the bike night season! And I believe we had one of our best nights ever!!
It was fun hanging out with everyone, but with DH home I just wanted to keep him to myself. Once I was able to hand off the food donation stuff to someone else, I hunted him down and tried my best to stay stuck to him for the rest of the night. I almost wish we would have just stayed in St. Louis in a hotel and I could have had him all to myself!! But that wouldn't have been fair to the kids or our friends...they all miss him too when he's gone.
The little ones went with me to take DH to the airport to go back to work. After four hours in the car, I knew they needed a break, so we did a little shopping. Springfield has lots of good places to shop, so when I shop in St. Louis I try to go to places we don't have here. We went to Trader Joe's, a beauty supply store, and World Market. I picked up a few cool things and got a new wine to try from Trader Joe's and some new coffee and funny birthday cards at World Market. I also got some good bedroom ideas from World Market, although I don't thing they sell what I want but I can probably get it made by a friend who builds furniture.
Before we hit the road, we hit Romano's Macaroni Grill. It's been awhile since I've eaten at one. I think the last time was during a PTA convention. Oh my goodness it was so good!! BabyBoy loved the bread dipped in olive oil and pepper. Ms. Thang didn't like it though. I really missed DH being there though. It made me remember when we used to drive to Tulsa just for dinner and to wander around the mall for an hour or so. Or that record store and head shop. I wish I could remember the name of that place. Anyway, when we ate at Macaroni Grill in Tulsa, they had a waitress or hostess or something that sang opera arias during dinner. It was amazing...both the food and the singing. Neither of us are big opera fans but we were blown away by that girl's voice. The kids got a kick out of drawing on the butcher paper on the table. I paid with cash and the waiter accidentally gave me back $5 too much in change. When I realized it, I added it to his tip, but I didn't want him to think I'd left him a huge tip so I left him a note about the change too. I'm glad I noticed, I would have felt bad if I'd figured it out later.
I got a call about another study that I think I'm going to enroll in. This will make four now! But I think this one will be beneficial to both me and research. It's a study about diet and exercise modification and weight loss for breast cancer survivors. They are looking at recurrence rates. I am just overweight enough to qualify. I go in a couple of weeks for my initial labs, measurements and a fitness test. LOL I'm gonna be in trouble! But I can't start losing yet or I won't qualify for the study when I go for my appointment.
My Twitter buddies are meeting up tonight in Gruene, TX and I'm so jealous! I wanna go! I guess I will have to catch up with them next time. I'm not a huge Roger Creager fan so I can't see driving that far to see him...I'm not sure I'd cross the street! OK I probably would cross the street, but only if it wasn't busy. And if they were serving Shiner.
Hmmm, well, what else is there? I can't believe the kids' spring break is already over. I was hoping we could get out of town but I guess that's going to have to wait till school is out. I really need DH to work somewhere with a beach...
Alright, that's it, I'm beyond sleepy and going to bed!!
My appointments at Siteman went well last week. I see my oncologist again in three months, my plastic surgeon again in six weeks and my breast surgeon in a year. All my labs were back to normal, my weight was pretty stable, my incisions from my implants looked good, my bone density was within normal limits, and Dr. M (breast surgeon) told me how to find a recurrence. Thank God, because I've been wondering about that for six months and never thought to ask.
So how does a woman who's had a bilateral mastectomy determine if her breast cancer has recurred? Well, the implants are under the pectoralis muscle, so if the cancer comes back, it will be a lump on my breast. So I still am supposed to do monthly breast exams! And if there's distant metastasis, well, you find that the same way you'd find it otherwise.
Pinup Barber and I had a lot of fun in St. Louis. We had awesome bar food for lunch (reubens, curly fries and bleu cheese chips...sinful!!) and sushi for dinner. For dessert, cosmopolitans (Pinup Barber), Smithwick's (me) and a couple of Purple Hooters (which we had never heard of before, but they were good). All the drinks were consumed at the bar adjacent to the hotel so we didn't have to worry about driving. Pinup Barber prank called her husband after we got back to the room. It was pretty funny. At least I thought so. I guess we were cold when we got back so we turned on the heat, but I woke up at like three AM and I swear it was 80 degrees in there! So I turned on the air and it was much more like it. I think we've both gotten used to husbands who freeze us out.
We found the coolest little store Tuesday and we both bought a ton of clothes, shoes and jewelry. They had their boots on clearance and we both got cute new boots. I also got some ridiculous 5 inch platform wedges. I've worn them once and fell down twice before I left the house, but managed to stay upright in public. I should probably only wear them when I'm the designated driver though. I also expanded my large earring collection. With hair as short as mine, I've gotta make sure it's obvious which team I play for.
I got a sweet surprise Wednesday...DH got to come home for about a day and a half! He texted me and asked me to look for a cheap flight when I got home, but by the time I got home to look for one he had already booked it and e-mailed me his itinerary. He flew into St. Louis...three hour drive up to get him but totally worth it :-) And he did drive most of the way back home.
I was so glad he made it home for St. Paddy's so we could wear our matching kilts. Well, kind of matching...when girls wear kilts they are supposed to fall below the knee and mens' are supposed to be at or slightly above the knee. Besides the matching vintage Captain America motorcycle helmets, we are not a matchy-matchy couple. I honestly even try not to wear our bar shirts at the same time he does unless we are representing. But we do make a few exceptions. I fished out my new Guinness shirt and a green belt just in case someone didn't notice our bar name embroidered in green on my kilt. I couldn't find my shamrock knee socks so I just wore flip flops...now that's quite a statement huh?
For St. Paddy's we got matching tattoos!! Yep we went with our best friends and we all got a little four-leaf clover. And it looks like I'll be wearing flip-flops a lot for the next couple of weeks since I got mine on my left foot! Everyone else got theirs incorporated into their sleeves, but I don't have a sleeve. Probably never will either...not sure I could get away with that as a nurse. And I'm so hot-natured since I've been in my chemically induced menopause that I'd die if I had to wear a long-sleeve shirt under my scrubs to cover my tattoos. So I'll stick with tattooing areas that are hidden by business casual...
Our St. Paddy's party was an absolute blast. The bar was packed and everyone raved about C's corned beef and cabbage and potatoes. She corned the beef herself instead of using pre-made corned beef. I think it was all gone before the second band even started and I'll bet less than half the people there ate. The bands were incredible and the turnout was just awesome. Thank goodness the weather cooperated. Since St. Paddy's was on Thursday and our bike nights are on Thursdays, we went ahead and kicked off the bike night season! And I believe we had one of our best nights ever!!
It was fun hanging out with everyone, but with DH home I just wanted to keep him to myself. Once I was able to hand off the food donation stuff to someone else, I hunted him down and tried my best to stay stuck to him for the rest of the night. I almost wish we would have just stayed in St. Louis in a hotel and I could have had him all to myself!! But that wouldn't have been fair to the kids or our friends...they all miss him too when he's gone.
The little ones went with me to take DH to the airport to go back to work. After four hours in the car, I knew they needed a break, so we did a little shopping. Springfield has lots of good places to shop, so when I shop in St. Louis I try to go to places we don't have here. We went to Trader Joe's, a beauty supply store, and World Market. I picked up a few cool things and got a new wine to try from Trader Joe's and some new coffee and funny birthday cards at World Market. I also got some good bedroom ideas from World Market, although I don't thing they sell what I want but I can probably get it made by a friend who builds furniture.
Before we hit the road, we hit Romano's Macaroni Grill. It's been awhile since I've eaten at one. I think the last time was during a PTA convention. Oh my goodness it was so good!! BabyBoy loved the bread dipped in olive oil and pepper. Ms. Thang didn't like it though. I really missed DH being there though. It made me remember when we used to drive to Tulsa just for dinner and to wander around the mall for an hour or so. Or that record store and head shop. I wish I could remember the name of that place. Anyway, when we ate at Macaroni Grill in Tulsa, they had a waitress or hostess or something that sang opera arias during dinner. It was amazing...both the food and the singing. Neither of us are big opera fans but we were blown away by that girl's voice. The kids got a kick out of drawing on the butcher paper on the table. I paid with cash and the waiter accidentally gave me back $5 too much in change. When I realized it, I added it to his tip, but I didn't want him to think I'd left him a huge tip so I left him a note about the change too. I'm glad I noticed, I would have felt bad if I'd figured it out later.
I got a call about another study that I think I'm going to enroll in. This will make four now! But I think this one will be beneficial to both me and research. It's a study about diet and exercise modification and weight loss for breast cancer survivors. They are looking at recurrence rates. I am just overweight enough to qualify. I go in a couple of weeks for my initial labs, measurements and a fitness test. LOL I'm gonna be in trouble! But I can't start losing yet or I won't qualify for the study when I go for my appointment.
My Twitter buddies are meeting up tonight in Gruene, TX and I'm so jealous! I wanna go! I guess I will have to catch up with them next time. I'm not a huge Roger Creager fan so I can't see driving that far to see him...I'm not sure I'd cross the street! OK I probably would cross the street, but only if it wasn't busy. And if they were serving Shiner.
Hmmm, well, what else is there? I can't believe the kids' spring break is already over. I was hoping we could get out of town but I guess that's going to have to wait till school is out. I really need DH to work somewhere with a beach...
Alright, that's it, I'm beyond sleepy and going to bed!!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Just another quickie!!
There's lots going on that I have plenty of opinions on, but I will just have to get into that later. I have way too much going on, so I'm just gonna hit the highlights.
I finally got a really good night's sleep last night and was awake around 7 feeling well rested! I hope this trend continues because I really need to get back on a decent schedule. I figured out yesterday that my allergies are acting up so maybe if I start taking my Zyrtec it will help.
Good time at the bar last night. It had been awhile. Can't wait to start up our bike nights again. Gotta remember to ask my doctors when it's OK for me to ride again.
Headed to doctors' appointments at Siteman next week with Pinup Barber. I will be seeing the oncologist, the breast surgeon, and the plastic surgeon and having lab work and a bone density test. I hope I get a clean bill of health!!
Getting my first spray tan today so I need to go exfoliate and shave my legs. Maybe a little color will help motivate me to get the rest of my body in shape for swimsuit season. Boobs are already perfect!!
I'm out!
I finally got a really good night's sleep last night and was awake around 7 feeling well rested! I hope this trend continues because I really need to get back on a decent schedule. I figured out yesterday that my allergies are acting up so maybe if I start taking my Zyrtec it will help.
Good time at the bar last night. It had been awhile. Can't wait to start up our bike nights again. Gotta remember to ask my doctors when it's OK for me to ride again.
Headed to doctors' appointments at Siteman next week with Pinup Barber. I will be seeing the oncologist, the breast surgeon, and the plastic surgeon and having lab work and a bone density test. I hope I get a clean bill of health!!
Getting my first spray tan today so I need to go exfoliate and shave my legs. Maybe a little color will help motivate me to get the rest of my body in shape for swimsuit season. Boobs are already perfect!!
I'm out!
Monday, February 28, 2011
The more I try, the behinder I get
So much for my resolve to blog more this year...and there's no way I can catch up in one post, so I'll just begin with recent events and eventually work my way through the whole story. It's 2 am and I'm still up because we have a tornado watch and we've had a couple of instances where the storm sirens didn't go off. Usually DH is on stay up half the night until the bad weather has passed duty, but he was falling asleep at 10 pm so I agreed to stay up. I was getting ready to go to bed when Ms. Thang came downstairs crying because she couldn't sleep. Now I personally think thunderstorms are the best sleeping weather but I guess if you're afraid your house is gonna get blown away you might have a little insomnia. So she's laying on the couch, asleep finally, and after talking to several people on Facebook about different things...softball, gay adoption, and getting ripped off at a bar, I am WIDE. FREAKING. AWAKE. So here we are.
The past few months have been something of a whirlwind. Two of my nursing school besties traveled north to help me out at the end of January. I figured they just wanted to come visit and hang out, but nope, we cleaned house. Literally. I took 8 lawn size garbage bags of stuff to Goodwill and threw away at least that many more. We moved furniture, mopped, dusted, vacuumed, straightened, organized, sorted, and on and on and on. And it was a blast. I have never had so much fun cleaning in my life. It's amazing that the bond we formed in nursing school is still so strong that we can drop what we are doing and help each other out when necessary. I only hope someday I can repay the kindness.
This past Thursday I had my tissue expanders in my chest replaced with silicone implants. It was an outpatient procedure, I think we were at the hospital for a total of 6 hours. We stayed the night before and the night after in St. Louis so we'd be close to the hospital if something were to go wrong. But everything went just fine and we drove back Friday.
Do you know anyone that if something bad can happen to them it will happen? Not like tragic, but just stupid. Like if there's a 10% chance of having a side effect of a drug it will happen to them? Yeah, well, if you couldn't think of anyone, then yeah, it's me. My nurse friends will understand this for sure. It seems that my body has developed an allergy to just about every antibiotic I've ever taken. When I had my previous surgery, remember, they gave me clindamycin and steroids and the steroids masked the clindamycin allergy for several days. So since I'm allergic to the pre-op antibiotics they normally give, they gave me vancomycin instead. Now I've given a ton of vanc over the years and I know to give it slowly, usually over 90 to 120 minutes. However, I did not have my nurse hat on that morning, only my patient hat, so when they mixed it and hung it and piggybacked it into my IV fluids and used dial-a-flow tubing to 250 ml per hour. It was mixed in a 250 ml bag so I would get all of it in an hour. Only...I didn't. I got it in more like 30 minutes. Ever heard of red-man syndrome? I was laying there and my head started itching severely. I thought it was the little surgical cap so I took it off and I was just clawing at my head. My doctor walked in and asked DH, is she normally this red? He said no. The the doctor said, oh I bet it's the vanc, let's slow it down. And he reached up to turn it down and it was all infused. My face and upper chest were severely flushed and it's finally starting to fade today. He told the nurse to have anesthesia give me some benedryl. I've given a lot of benedryl over the years too, and you're supposed to dilute it and push it slowly. Now I know why. It felt like my arm was on fire when she pushed it. I even complained and she didn't even slow down. For a minute I thought the IV had blown and I had an armful of vanc. Then she turned up the IV fluids and gave me the versed and that shut me up!
I vaguely remember moving from the stretcher over to the table in the OR. They started getting me positioned and had my arms strapped down and my nose and head were itching. So I wiggled my left arm out so I could scratch. I don't think they liked that much and they put the mask on my face and gave me more drugs so I would cooperate! The next thing I knew I was in recovery. I drank some diet Pepsi and ate some vanilla wafers, walked to the bathroom to pee, then got dressed and left.
Dr. B said I have to wear an underwire bra and a belt above my boobs for the next 30 days. Well I guess now it's 26 days. In any case, OUCH!! I couldn't wear an underwire after my first surgery so I had gotten used to a softer type of bra. Or sometimes just a tank top under my t-shirt. So putting hardware back in there plus a belt on top, well, let's just say it's not the most comfortable feeling. But it is nice to have boobs that don't feel like boulders sitting under my chin anymore. And I'm sure the time will fly by quickly since I'm pretty busy the next few weeks.
DH says my diet is crap and I've got to start eating better. I take vitamins, doesn't that count? OK fine, I'll eat more veggies and less fast food. I'm feeling better so I should be able to get back in the habit of cooking most of the time. I do like to cook, but it can be a lot of work, especially the clean up. But I know I need to take better care of myself and my family so we can all live for a good long time.
Well I have more to say but I think it's gonna have to wait for another day. I'm getting sleepy now and Ms. Thang is out!!
The past few months have been something of a whirlwind. Two of my nursing school besties traveled north to help me out at the end of January. I figured they just wanted to come visit and hang out, but nope, we cleaned house. Literally. I took 8 lawn size garbage bags of stuff to Goodwill and threw away at least that many more. We moved furniture, mopped, dusted, vacuumed, straightened, organized, sorted, and on and on and on. And it was a blast. I have never had so much fun cleaning in my life. It's amazing that the bond we formed in nursing school is still so strong that we can drop what we are doing and help each other out when necessary. I only hope someday I can repay the kindness.
This past Thursday I had my tissue expanders in my chest replaced with silicone implants. It was an outpatient procedure, I think we were at the hospital for a total of 6 hours. We stayed the night before and the night after in St. Louis so we'd be close to the hospital if something were to go wrong. But everything went just fine and we drove back Friday.
Do you know anyone that if something bad can happen to them it will happen? Not like tragic, but just stupid. Like if there's a 10% chance of having a side effect of a drug it will happen to them? Yeah, well, if you couldn't think of anyone, then yeah, it's me. My nurse friends will understand this for sure. It seems that my body has developed an allergy to just about every antibiotic I've ever taken. When I had my previous surgery, remember, they gave me clindamycin and steroids and the steroids masked the clindamycin allergy for several days. So since I'm allergic to the pre-op antibiotics they normally give, they gave me vancomycin instead. Now I've given a ton of vanc over the years and I know to give it slowly, usually over 90 to 120 minutes. However, I did not have my nurse hat on that morning, only my patient hat, so when they mixed it and hung it and piggybacked it into my IV fluids and used dial-a-flow tubing to 250 ml per hour. It was mixed in a 250 ml bag so I would get all of it in an hour. Only...I didn't. I got it in more like 30 minutes. Ever heard of red-man syndrome? I was laying there and my head started itching severely. I thought it was the little surgical cap so I took it off and I was just clawing at my head. My doctor walked in and asked DH, is she normally this red? He said no. The the doctor said, oh I bet it's the vanc, let's slow it down. And he reached up to turn it down and it was all infused. My face and upper chest were severely flushed and it's finally starting to fade today. He told the nurse to have anesthesia give me some benedryl. I've given a lot of benedryl over the years too, and you're supposed to dilute it and push it slowly. Now I know why. It felt like my arm was on fire when she pushed it. I even complained and she didn't even slow down. For a minute I thought the IV had blown and I had an armful of vanc. Then she turned up the IV fluids and gave me the versed and that shut me up!
I vaguely remember moving from the stretcher over to the table in the OR. They started getting me positioned and had my arms strapped down and my nose and head were itching. So I wiggled my left arm out so I could scratch. I don't think they liked that much and they put the mask on my face and gave me more drugs so I would cooperate! The next thing I knew I was in recovery. I drank some diet Pepsi and ate some vanilla wafers, walked to the bathroom to pee, then got dressed and left.
Dr. B said I have to wear an underwire bra and a belt above my boobs for the next 30 days. Well I guess now it's 26 days. In any case, OUCH!! I couldn't wear an underwire after my first surgery so I had gotten used to a softer type of bra. Or sometimes just a tank top under my t-shirt. So putting hardware back in there plus a belt on top, well, let's just say it's not the most comfortable feeling. But it is nice to have boobs that don't feel like boulders sitting under my chin anymore. And I'm sure the time will fly by quickly since I'm pretty busy the next few weeks.
DH says my diet is crap and I've got to start eating better. I take vitamins, doesn't that count? OK fine, I'll eat more veggies and less fast food. I'm feeling better so I should be able to get back in the habit of cooking most of the time. I do like to cook, but it can be a lot of work, especially the clean up. But I know I need to take better care of myself and my family so we can all live for a good long time.
Well I have more to say but I think it's gonna have to wait for another day. I'm getting sleepy now and Ms. Thang is out!!
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