The past couple of days have been, well, just awful. I won't go into details, but let's just say DH and I have been tusslin like two cornfed farm boys over Mama's last biscuit. I think maybe, just maybe, we have finally buried the hatchet, and of course, something good has come out of the whole situation.
I came to realize I didn't really have my priorities in the right order. I am currently taking a break from Facebook and Twitter so maybe I can get back on track (although, when I post links I will have to get on there, but I won't look, Ma, I promise!!) This week I have unintentionally hurt people I really love and I don't have a good reason. But upon examining my actions, I realized I've got a lot of anger that I haven't dealt with. Now what on earth could I possibly be angry about? Haha, glad you asked. I'm angry because I feel like I've been let down by people who love me. But what have I done about it? I've suppressed it, pushed it way down, compressed it to the point that if it was a lump of coal it would be a diamond. I've ignored it to the point that I've done hurtful things to a couple of people, I think, subconsciously wanting to hurt them like they've hurt me.
I spent a couple of hours yesterday afternoon crying on the shoulder of my good friend BeBe and once I got it all out, she told me what she thought...that I've been depressed, probably because I have been through a lot the past year and haven't really dealt with it. And it's true. Yeah, I've blogged, but I often concentrate on the funny stuff or just putting info out there without really getting into my true feelings.
I don't blame the people who I felt have let me down. I think everyone gives exactly as much as they can when they can, and if that doesn't live up to my expectations, and I don't let them know, then it is my fault, not theirs. So I guess a lot of my anger comes back to myself. I'm angry that I haven't been able to express my needs and wants. I'm angry because I have felt like I can't burden anyone with my problems. I feel like I have "given it to God" so many times, and it helps for awhile, but sometimes I need a little feedback. I need someone else to say "I've got this," without it sounding like I'm a huge inconvenience to them. Maybe God has given me feedback and I've not been listening.
I'm angry with BFF because I feel like she started avoiding me after I got diagnosed. But you know what? I've never said a word. If I can't even talk to her and tell her how I feel, how good of friends are we? Instead, I blew her off and went out with other friends. I justified it to myself because I figured she wouldn't really miss me. I miscalculated badly. But I think, deep down, I just wanted to hurt her like she's hurt me. Or how I think she's hurt me. Because here's the thing...I've never once acted like I've had a problem. I've just smiled and gone on. I should not have done that. I should have said, hey, are you avoiding me? But I didn't want to upset her, Lord knows she's also had a lot going on in the past year. The last thing someone who is spread too thin needs is someone trying to get more attention.
I'm angry with DH too, because he's not been physically here with me through a lot of my illness. Again, not his fault. I've never said, can you please talk to your boss and see if you can take a few days off. When he flew in last month I wanted us to just spend his two days in St. Louis, just me and him. But I didn't say anything. Even if he hadn't have wanted to, I should have at least said that I wanted to.
So today, I plan to start rectifying the situation. I'm going to talk to BFF and DH, share how I feel, and listen to how they feel too. They are angry with me and have every right to be. But if we don't talk to each other and work it out, if we just keep burying our problems deeper and deeper, they are not going to resolve, they will only get worse. And eventually they will rear their ugly heads and make a minor thing turn into a big explosion. And I don't want that.
