DH asked me last week if I've given up on blogging. My answer: a resounding NO!! I've actually been super busy and I can't just sit down and write without inspiration and time. Sadly, I've had inspiration but no time! So today, on the last day of 2010, a year that has brought about an extraordinary amount of change that I could not haven even begun to imagine, I will share my thoughts on the events of the past year and my hopes for the upcoming one. DH is home and watching a movie I've already seen so I can write during the less exciting parts.
He's watching Shining Through, a wonderful World War II spy movie with Melanie Griffith and Michael Douglas. As good as the movie is, the book is even better and I highly recommend both. I am not a huge fan of either of the main actors but I can forgive their creepiness, at least while I'm watching this movie.
Anyway, on to my thoughts. Don't worry, it will be short! Well, maybe...
Over the past year I have had enormous changes in my life, enough change to last me a lifetime. If you had told me last year on my 36th birthday what would happen in 2010, I would not have believed you. But here I am, 364 days later, still here, living to tell the tale.
I'm sure you've heard the saying, "When God closes a door, he opens another." Well, this past year is living proof of that adage. In my case, I think he closed a doggie door and opened an airport hangar door!
Things started off nicely, I thought in 2010. I had the best birthday party ever! A party bus going back and forth between Hooligans and Lindberg's with live bands at each one was just awesome. Now, obviously, it was not just for my birthday, but it was on my birthday so I'm counting it as my party! We were talking the other day and I think we're gonna do it again this year, but not on my birthday since that's tomorrow! Maybe on BFF's birthday this year. We'll have to look at the calendar.
Work seemed to be going well. I got along with my boss, and I thought that the issues I'd had with a couple of my co-workers were long resolved. So you can imagine my surprise when one of those co-workers, a lady whom I'd counseled on problems with her teenage stepson, prayed for, eaten with, exchanged Christmas gifts with, congratulated when she passed her certification exam, and worked, I thought, side by side as both colleagues and friends, lied about what I had told her about a situation with a patient. And as if that wasn't bad enough, my boss, whom I'd also eaten with, exchanged Christmas presents with, traveled with, received nice hand-me-down clothing for my kids from, and honestly considered to be a good friend, believed what she said and didn't even bother to ask me about it. Didn't even talk to me about it first before dragging me into HR and throwing me to the wolves. And once I got into HR, I was handed a typed report of the lies the co-worker had told to my boss and told I was suspended until the investigation was complete. They called me back in a week later and told me I was fired. I fortunately saw the writing on the wall in HR the day I was suspended and took as many of my belongings out of my desk as I could. I took copies of some of the policies and a procedure checklist for the incident which was complained about. When I applied for unemployment I sent a copy of these along to the caseworker because my former employer contested my benefits. They said I had violated a policy. Well, apparently, they made up a new policy and backdated it to before when the incident took place and submitted that to the caseworker and he ruled in their favor. So I've gotten to be unemployed for the last eight months without receiving unemployment. I guess that's good for the Obama administration because I don't count in the unemployment statistics.
I feel kind of bad because I've not kept in touch very well with my co-workers I did like. I had lunch with my former boss and two of my nice co-workers and it was awkward. My former boss was actually complaining that state regulators were making them change their practices and it was all I could do to not say that they brought it on themselves. Because when they fired me, they filed a complaint against my license, and the board investigation brought in state investigators and they looked at the whole process, not just what happened with me. I received a letter from the state board in July, around the time I got my cancer diagnosis, stating my former employer had lodged a complaint against me. I didn't even bother to reply. A few weeks ago I got another letter from the board, stating they had found I had done nothing wrong and no action would be taken against my license. So without my even defending myself, an objective outside party looked at the situation and determined I had not acted inappropriately. All this leads me to believe, that, with or without collusion from my boss, HR decided to get rid of me before I ever walked in to that office. I do find it interesting that my boss hired one of her friends to take my former position.
Now, having said all that...am I bitter? Oh, maybe a little, but it's fading. And the whole incident taught me a few valuable life lessons. Number one: your boss is not your friend. Period. Ever. You can be friendly but do not ever expect that they will have your back if something happens. Number two: once you have an enemy at work, that person will always be an enemy, even if you think everything is water under the bridge. Never trust them again. Number three: always go with your gut. The whole situation would not have even happened if I had not ignored my gut feeling.
I don't think I had ever felt as low as I did the day I walked out of HR after being fired. But it turns out that the worse was yet to come.
Last January I finally went to the female doctor for the first time in three years. The last OB-GYN I'd gone to since my insurance changed was such an asshole that I could not bring myself to make another appointment with him. And I didn't have any good leads for a different one so I just didn't go. But after almost three years and one of my friends nagging me, I finally found a doctor and made an appointment. I actually didn't see the doctor but I saw her nurse practicioner and I absolutely loved her!! And it was the NP who asked me if I wanted to have a screening mammogram this year. So it's her fault I got breast cancer! Nah, not really, thanks to her, my breast cancer was caught very early.
Getting fired absolutely sucks. Facing the possibility of cancer when you don't have a job or insurance is terrifying. But the women I met through Show Me Healthy Women and Jordan Valley Community Health Center helped put my mind at ease. Show Me Healthy Women paid for my diagnostic mammogram and biopsy, and the social worker at Jordan Valley set me up with a program through Missouri Healthnet for women who have gone through the Show Me Healthy Women program who get diagnosed with cancer. Thanks to this program, I have been able to get care at one of the best cancer centers in America, Siteman Cancer Center at Barnes Jewish Hospital and Washington University School of Medicine. I honestly think I am getting better care than I would have on my employer's insurance and I have not had to worry about trying to keep my job to keep my benefits or paying through the nose for COBRA coverage while I'm getting treated.
So I guess getting fired was a blessing in disguise. But it doesn't make me feel any better about the shoddy way I was treated. Especially being lied about. Even at almost 37, I still worry about what people think of me. And I would hate for any of my former co-workers, people outside of my small group who worked with me only occasionally, to think I would mistreat a patient.
So let's see...we've covered the job loss, the cancer diagnosis...what else do I need to talk about? Oh yeah, the cancer treatment. If you've followed my blog you've heard firsthand a lot of what I've gone through. At this point, I feel so much relief that it is finally over. Well, kind of. I still have to have reconstructive surgery and I have to take these stupid pills and shots that put me into menopause for the next five years. But I get to spend those years with my family, being mom and wife and daughter and sister (ok technically sister-in-law but I consider DH's family to be my own). That is the best gift I could be given.
Sadly, my year has not ended on a positive note. A good friend of mine and DH's was brutally murdered a couple of weeks ago. There have been different stories circulating about what led up to his murder and why the piece of shit who killed him did it, but it all boils down to this: he was our friend, just like family, and what happened to him SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED. He was snuffed out before his time and the actions of his murderer have caused a lot of pain for JM's daughter, father, step-son, other family and all his friends who were his extended family. I knew JM well, for several years, and I do not believe the reason the murderer gave to the police. I am not sure what to think of what the step-son has to say. I will pray for JM's family and pray for justice for his murder. What I said on my Facebook was absolutely true. My heart was truly broken when I heard the news. For such a gentle, sweet man to be taken from us is an absolute tragedy.
For all the bad things that happened in 2010, I am still thankful to be here to have experienced them. Everything happens for a reason, and God does not give us more than we can handle. I think He must have a little more confidence in me that I have.
Here's to 2011 being a happy, prosperous, calm and beautiful year.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Catch up time
Well, the past couple of weeks have been fairly busy, so I've not had time to blog. Actually, that's not quite true...I've had time, I just haven't had much to say or known how to say what I do have to say. But what the heck? Let's see what I can spew forth.
RIP Leslie Nielsen and Elizabeth Edwards. I laughed my ass off at his movies and although I didn't agree with her politics, her fight against breast cancer was valiant.
I hate hearing about women dying of breast cancer because I'm afraid that will be me. Even though my cancer was caught early and had not spread out of the breast, it makes me nervous when I hear about someone whose cancer recurred and now they are terminal or have died. I have way too much left to do in my life. So I try to live each day as though my days were numbered. Which is probably why I never have any clean laundry. I mean, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their life?
DH made it home (finally!) last Friday night. Technically Saturday morning at 12:30. I waited up for him. Well, actually I fell asleep on the couch in my cute little nightgown but I wasn't in bed sound asleep when he got home. Since Monday we've been waiting for the phone call saying he has to come back to work. Even though we'll probably be broke as hell and at each other's throats (that's based on previous experience) I still don't really want him to go back out again until after the holidays. I have a honey-do list for him that's approximately a mile long, mostly bar stuff, and if he leaves again we'll have to start all over getting him rested up and ready to go back to work for free. Well, I don't guess it's free, we do make money off the bar (a little!) but it's not the same as getting an hourly wage. I'm not sure he'd agree that cleaning out the storeroom and putting up more shelves will lead to an increase in beer sales.
Speaking of the bar, I had my first week of being the owner on duty last week. Holy smokes, I was busy!! Between doing the deposit every day, paying the bills, doing the shopping, and ordering stuff, I was busy for minimum of an hour every day! But at the end of the week I felt better about how things were going and I'm glad I'm feeling like getting my nose into what's really going on. Oh how I wish things would just go gangbusters and I could turn managing the bar into a full time job! I wouldn't even mind expanding into the lunch business but I don't want to step on any of my neighbors' toes. So I'll be patient.
I'm feeling pretty good the past 10 days or so. I've started (slowly) working on getting my house back in to fighting shape. It always gets out of control during the days after chemo and this time was no exception. Add to that my general clutter and BabyBoy's ability to mess it up faster than it can be cleaned up and it's quickly descending into SuperFund candidate once again. I'm looking forward to Christmas break when I can be an evil slave driver to my children every day, holding their Christmas presents hostage until they get the house tidy! Actually the worst room in the house is mine! I'm working on it slowly but surely. The problem is I have WAY too much stuff! Too many clothes, too many shoes, too many books, etc. I just need to bite the bullet and get rid of stuff. Easier said than done, because I have to go through it all first. I mean, what if I accidentally gave my Koffin Kats T-shirt to Goodwill? That would be terrible! I've made it my goal to work on my room at least a little each day. So far I've worked on it two days in a row. Well, kind of. I didn't get a whole lot done but I at least got started.
Today BeBe came over for coffee. It's not the usual day but she has school stuff tomorrow so we drank coffee, ate cinnamon rolls, gossiped and made a craft project today. I won't say what the project is yet because it's for the bar and no one has seen it except BeBe, DH and the kids. When I get it up to the bar I'll go public. Don't get too excited...I'm no Martha Stewart.
I talked to one of my nursing school girlfriends Sunday night and she and one of our other friends are coming up to visit me in late January! I'm so excited! When they get here it will have been two years since we've seen each other. They drove over from Lafayette for a day when I was in New Orleans for a meeting in 2009. I can't wait to show them the bar and take them out for sushi and just hang out and catch up.
My dog Buddy (the stray we picked up on our way home from Florida) is quite the little escape artist. I think I should have named him Houdini. Today BeBe and I watched him squeeze through a hole in the fence to get back in the yard. Yes, he escaped and then I guess got bored with the outside world so he came back. He nearly got stuck so I'm anxiously awaiting the day when he finally does. I hope I'm home so I can get him unstuck so he doesn't get hurt. I also hope I have my camera handy. Heck, maybe I'll even charge up the HandyCam so I can get a video of it and let NOS put it on YouTube.
Tank, my mastiff, on the other hand, won't even walk out of the gate if the Dish Network guy forgets to close it. I guess he's just extremely happy to be in our back yard. He likes to go out one last time before bed every night. I don't know if he has a small bladder like me or if he just wants to scan for strange men lurking in my back yard. Either way he will sit and stare at me until I let him go out. He will also go get in bed with BabyBoy if I don't let him sleep in the bedroom with me. I draw the line at letting him sprawl out in my bed though!
The past few months my sleep has just been royally screwed up. I know I have a good reason but it doesn't change the fact that it's screwed up. I've had nights where I've fallen asleep in the recliner with the lights and TV on and not woke up until the sun was coming up. Or nights where I've fallen asleep in the recliner and woke up at like 2 am and gone to bed and then not been able to sleep. It really sucks! I'm not sure if it's because DH is not home with me or it's the hot flashes or the steroids or just general worry. Whatever it is, I'm ready to get back to normal. I have no desire to get hooked on anything, so I'm loathe to take sleeping pills. I have some, and I use them occasionally, but I don't want it to become a habit.
Speaking of hot flashes, who the hell came up with that term? They are not "flashes!" If they were, I'd be able to handle them a lot better. No, they last way longer than the term "flash" implies. Its 15 or 20 minutes of wondering if this will be the time my head shoots off my body because I'm on fire! So far all the remedies that have been suggested to me have not really helped. Damn estrogen-receptor positive breast cancer! I could use a little Premarin to counteract menopause! It is a chemically-induced menopause but the symptoms seem to suck just as bad. Maybe even worse since it's all at once instead of gradual like natural menopause. Oh, well, I'd still prefer hot flashes over dying.
The dryer beeped at me and DH has been in bed for an hour, so I think I probably need to wrap this up and see if I can actually go to sleep. I really ought to do this daily but I'm not that good at planning.
RIP Leslie Nielsen and Elizabeth Edwards. I laughed my ass off at his movies and although I didn't agree with her politics, her fight against breast cancer was valiant.
I hate hearing about women dying of breast cancer because I'm afraid that will be me. Even though my cancer was caught early and had not spread out of the breast, it makes me nervous when I hear about someone whose cancer recurred and now they are terminal or have died. I have way too much left to do in my life. So I try to live each day as though my days were numbered. Which is probably why I never have any clean laundry. I mean, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their life?
DH made it home (finally!) last Friday night. Technically Saturday morning at 12:30. I waited up for him. Well, actually I fell asleep on the couch in my cute little nightgown but I wasn't in bed sound asleep when he got home. Since Monday we've been waiting for the phone call saying he has to come back to work. Even though we'll probably be broke as hell and at each other's throats (that's based on previous experience) I still don't really want him to go back out again until after the holidays. I have a honey-do list for him that's approximately a mile long, mostly bar stuff, and if he leaves again we'll have to start all over getting him rested up and ready to go back to work for free. Well, I don't guess it's free, we do make money off the bar (a little!) but it's not the same as getting an hourly wage. I'm not sure he'd agree that cleaning out the storeroom and putting up more shelves will lead to an increase in beer sales.
Speaking of the bar, I had my first week of being the owner on duty last week. Holy smokes, I was busy!! Between doing the deposit every day, paying the bills, doing the shopping, and ordering stuff, I was busy for minimum of an hour every day! But at the end of the week I felt better about how things were going and I'm glad I'm feeling like getting my nose into what's really going on. Oh how I wish things would just go gangbusters and I could turn managing the bar into a full time job! I wouldn't even mind expanding into the lunch business but I don't want to step on any of my neighbors' toes. So I'll be patient.
I'm feeling pretty good the past 10 days or so. I've started (slowly) working on getting my house back in to fighting shape. It always gets out of control during the days after chemo and this time was no exception. Add to that my general clutter and BabyBoy's ability to mess it up faster than it can be cleaned up and it's quickly descending into SuperFund candidate once again. I'm looking forward to Christmas break when I can be an evil slave driver to my children every day, holding their Christmas presents hostage until they get the house tidy! Actually the worst room in the house is mine! I'm working on it slowly but surely. The problem is I have WAY too much stuff! Too many clothes, too many shoes, too many books, etc. I just need to bite the bullet and get rid of stuff. Easier said than done, because I have to go through it all first. I mean, what if I accidentally gave my Koffin Kats T-shirt to Goodwill? That would be terrible! I've made it my goal to work on my room at least a little each day. So far I've worked on it two days in a row. Well, kind of. I didn't get a whole lot done but I at least got started.
Today BeBe came over for coffee. It's not the usual day but she has school stuff tomorrow so we drank coffee, ate cinnamon rolls, gossiped and made a craft project today. I won't say what the project is yet because it's for the bar and no one has seen it except BeBe, DH and the kids. When I get it up to the bar I'll go public. Don't get too excited...I'm no Martha Stewart.
I talked to one of my nursing school girlfriends Sunday night and she and one of our other friends are coming up to visit me in late January! I'm so excited! When they get here it will have been two years since we've seen each other. They drove over from Lafayette for a day when I was in New Orleans for a meeting in 2009. I can't wait to show them the bar and take them out for sushi and just hang out and catch up.
My dog Buddy (the stray we picked up on our way home from Florida) is quite the little escape artist. I think I should have named him Houdini. Today BeBe and I watched him squeeze through a hole in the fence to get back in the yard. Yes, he escaped and then I guess got bored with the outside world so he came back. He nearly got stuck so I'm anxiously awaiting the day when he finally does. I hope I'm home so I can get him unstuck so he doesn't get hurt. I also hope I have my camera handy. Heck, maybe I'll even charge up the HandyCam so I can get a video of it and let NOS put it on YouTube.
Tank, my mastiff, on the other hand, won't even walk out of the gate if the Dish Network guy forgets to close it. I guess he's just extremely happy to be in our back yard. He likes to go out one last time before bed every night. I don't know if he has a small bladder like me or if he just wants to scan for strange men lurking in my back yard. Either way he will sit and stare at me until I let him go out. He will also go get in bed with BabyBoy if I don't let him sleep in the bedroom with me. I draw the line at letting him sprawl out in my bed though!
The past few months my sleep has just been royally screwed up. I know I have a good reason but it doesn't change the fact that it's screwed up. I've had nights where I've fallen asleep in the recliner with the lights and TV on and not woke up until the sun was coming up. Or nights where I've fallen asleep in the recliner and woke up at like 2 am and gone to bed and then not been able to sleep. It really sucks! I'm not sure if it's because DH is not home with me or it's the hot flashes or the steroids or just general worry. Whatever it is, I'm ready to get back to normal. I have no desire to get hooked on anything, so I'm loathe to take sleeping pills. I have some, and I use them occasionally, but I don't want it to become a habit.
Speaking of hot flashes, who the hell came up with that term? They are not "flashes!" If they were, I'd be able to handle them a lot better. No, they last way longer than the term "flash" implies. Its 15 or 20 minutes of wondering if this will be the time my head shoots off my body because I'm on fire! So far all the remedies that have been suggested to me have not really helped. Damn estrogen-receptor positive breast cancer! I could use a little Premarin to counteract menopause! It is a chemically-induced menopause but the symptoms seem to suck just as bad. Maybe even worse since it's all at once instead of gradual like natural menopause. Oh, well, I'd still prefer hot flashes over dying.
The dryer beeped at me and DH has been in bed for an hour, so I think I probably need to wrap this up and see if I can actually go to sleep. I really ought to do this daily but I'm not that good at planning.
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