Pinkwasher: (pink’-wah-sher) noun. A company or organization that claims to care about breast cancer by promoting a pink ribbon product, but at the same time produces, manufactures and/or sells products that are linked to the disease.
Now, I don't know if EZ Disposal is technically a pinkwasher by the above definition, but I do know they are making some money off breast cancer. I've driven through Lebanon, MO, four times in the past two and a half weeks and I noticed pink dumpsters. Not the big ones like you see at a business but the rolling ones like I have NOS haul to the curb weekly to see if the city will privilege me by picking up my garbage. Yep, pretty pink rolly trash cans. This morning as I drove through I noticed one with a big sign on it that said "Kick breast cancer to the curb." I like that...catchy! Because the speed limit was low and traffic was slow, I had time to get the number off the sign and call them to ask about the pretty in pink dumpsters.
I was appalled by what the friendly lady who answered told me.
You pay an extra $5 a month to get your pink cart. The first month, they donate $5 to the American Cancer Society. Every month, they donate $1 to Curry Cancer Center. Yep, that's right. You pay an extra $60 a year and they donate $17 to defeat cancer.
OMG are you freaking kidding me???????????
Please, please, please, if you want to do something to help fight cancer, quit buying this crap! Write out a check to Breast Cancer Foundation of the Ozarks (if you're in the SWMO area) or Breast Cancer Action. Or just give the money to someone who has cancer. If you don't know anyone, ask around. I guarantee everyone you know knows someone with cancer.
If we keep buying into pinkwashing and other cause marketing, businesses will keep doing it.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Year in review and the future
Since I did a review of my year last year, and it's the last day of 2011, I thought I'd look back and muse over the events of the past 365 days. If you had told me last year on my birthday I would be schmoozing with politicians and would-be politicians (and even considering being one myself), I would have fallen out of my chair laughing. But here I am, helping organize a property rights group, going to city and county meetings, going to the school board meetings even when I don't have to, and helping organize a chili supper fundraiser and the county Republican caucus.
Wow. Didn't see that one coming. It makes sense though. I have a lot of time on my hands and a lot of opinions about how things should be going. And if I thought they were headed in the right direction, I would be spending more time reading People and Facebooking and less time trying to save the world, starting with Ozark and Christian County.
I've gotten more active in PTA and I'm using what I've learned there to help with the other organizations with which I've become involved. And sadly, whether it's a non-profit, a political party, a job, church, whatever, it's all politics. It's all about how you say it and how you make people feel. The message, no matter how good or how right, can get lost if the messenger can't convey it without offense and can't convince others to come over to his or her side.
I've started going to church again and I've found a true church "home." I never really understood what people meant by that until I started going to Southside Church of Christ. I'd gone to churches out of expectation, because friends went there, because I wanted to be in an awesome choir, out of convenience, but I've never been anywhere where I thought "this is where I'm meant to be." What an incredible feeling. I'm reading and studying my Bible more. I always prayed a lot but now I think maybe I'm praying even more. And I have so much to be thankful for.
I've taken up cooking and baking for recreation and we don't really eat out very much anymore. I've found that I kind of have a knack for recipe modification and I've even made up some of my own recipes. It's certainly gratifying to have people compliment your cooking and baking. It's also galling to go out to eat and spend a ton of money for what I can make at home for a fraction of the cost. Now I understand why my parents were never much on eating out.
I've been reading about and become disillusioned with the current state of cancer research and treatment. I'm no conspiracy theorist but something tells me the cause may be more widespread and the cure may be simpler than you'd think. Sadly, the research dollars go toward expensive drugs and medical procedures rather than looking at lifestyle changes which do nothing to make money for pharmaceutical and healthcare companies.
I can't believe how fast the years are going by the older I get. I remember my parents telling me time flies...now I believe it. My kids are getting so big, in just a few years Number One Son will be out of the house and Ms. Thang and BabyBoy will be in upper elementary, then junior high and high school and they'll be gone too.
Finally, I think I've nailed down some future plans. I've decided to go back to school and become a nurse practitioner and I hope someday to open a free/sliding scale clinic to serve rural southwest Missouri. It's a huge undertaking...but I feel like it's where I've been heading all along. It's what all my experiences, as a nurse and a cancer patient, having been unemployed and uninsured, have been taking me. And eventually DH and I plan to move out to the country and learn how to live "off the grid" as much as possible.
Every year there is so much change and a lot of it is stuff I'm not expecting. It makes me wonder what to expect in 2012 and what I'll be talking about a year from now. In any case, it's time to get moving and see what the day brings.
Happy New Year!!
Wow. Didn't see that one coming. It makes sense though. I have a lot of time on my hands and a lot of opinions about how things should be going. And if I thought they were headed in the right direction, I would be spending more time reading People and Facebooking and less time trying to save the world, starting with Ozark and Christian County.
I've gotten more active in PTA and I'm using what I've learned there to help with the other organizations with which I've become involved. And sadly, whether it's a non-profit, a political party, a job, church, whatever, it's all politics. It's all about how you say it and how you make people feel. The message, no matter how good or how right, can get lost if the messenger can't convey it without offense and can't convince others to come over to his or her side.
I've started going to church again and I've found a true church "home." I never really understood what people meant by that until I started going to Southside Church of Christ. I'd gone to churches out of expectation, because friends went there, because I wanted to be in an awesome choir, out of convenience, but I've never been anywhere where I thought "this is where I'm meant to be." What an incredible feeling. I'm reading and studying my Bible more. I always prayed a lot but now I think maybe I'm praying even more. And I have so much to be thankful for.
I've taken up cooking and baking for recreation and we don't really eat out very much anymore. I've found that I kind of have a knack for recipe modification and I've even made up some of my own recipes. It's certainly gratifying to have people compliment your cooking and baking. It's also galling to go out to eat and spend a ton of money for what I can make at home for a fraction of the cost. Now I understand why my parents were never much on eating out.
I've been reading about and become disillusioned with the current state of cancer research and treatment. I'm no conspiracy theorist but something tells me the cause may be more widespread and the cure may be simpler than you'd think. Sadly, the research dollars go toward expensive drugs and medical procedures rather than looking at lifestyle changes which do nothing to make money for pharmaceutical and healthcare companies.
I can't believe how fast the years are going by the older I get. I remember my parents telling me time flies...now I believe it. My kids are getting so big, in just a few years Number One Son will be out of the house and Ms. Thang and BabyBoy will be in upper elementary, then junior high and high school and they'll be gone too.
Finally, I think I've nailed down some future plans. I've decided to go back to school and become a nurse practitioner and I hope someday to open a free/sliding scale clinic to serve rural southwest Missouri. It's a huge undertaking...but I feel like it's where I've been heading all along. It's what all my experiences, as a nurse and a cancer patient, having been unemployed and uninsured, have been taking me. And eventually DH and I plan to move out to the country and learn how to live "off the grid" as much as possible.
Every year there is so much change and a lot of it is stuff I'm not expecting. It makes me wonder what to expect in 2012 and what I'll be talking about a year from now. In any case, it's time to get moving and see what the day brings.
Happy New Year!!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
I am so sick of pink!!
I gotta get something off my chest (DH is chuckling as he reads this because he's thinking of getting to second base...) I'm sick of pink. October is a reminder of what I had to go through last year (not much fun). But it is what it is, and I'm not hating on pink for that reason.
I'm hating on pink because money is just being thrown by the gobs at breast cancer awareness. And lots of people buy the pink ribbon without knowing whether their purchase is actually doing anything more than making the pink ribbon seller beaucoup money. You can't spit in a public place in October without hitting something or someone sporting a pink ribbon.
Read the fine print, assuming you can find it, on a pink ribbon product. My pink ribbon envelopes say "a portion of the profits will be donated to support breast cancer research and education." I got on their website, I found the exact same thing. How much of the profits? What kind of research and education? I'm still wondering.
Many pink ribbon products don't even claim to do anything for breast cancer, other than raise awareness. Duh. We are all aware of it now...kids are getting in trouble for wearing "I Heart Boobies" bracelets to school.
I believe consumers are well meaning and it's certainly easy to buy something you were going to buy anyway and pay a little more for a pink ribbon on it, assuming the "little more" will go to help people with breast cancer. The Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation is the most well-known breast cancer fundraising group. Did you know they spend $0.21 of every dollar raised on administrative and fundraising costs? That sounds good until you realize everyone at each of the 3 Day for the Cure events is a volunteer and the ones walking have each raised over $2000 and paid $90 plus their own transportation for the privilege of walking 60 miles. I was planning to participate in the Atlanta 3 Day for the Cure event and then I had to put off my final surgery and I wasn't able to train. In the meantime, I did more research and pondering and came to some conclusions. If I spend over $500 to raise $2000, that's pretty wasteful. And if I give it to an organization that plans to keep most of it in Atlanta, I'm not helping local women with breast cancer (not that I have anything against women with breast cancer in Atlanta!) Did you know that Susan G. Komen for the Cure also supports Planned Parenthood? Planned Parenthood does mention on their website they offer breast cancer screenings, but guess what? They don't do mammograms!! I called Planned Parenthood clinics in Columbia, Springfield and St. Louis Metro (North County) and none of them offer mammogram services. They don't even offer a free breast exam if you are low/no income. So I wonder what they are doing with the money they get from Komen for the Cure?
In defense of Planned Parenthood, the ladies who answered the phone were VERY nice and gave me phone numbers of places to try and information about programs they knew about (Show Me Healthy Women, Barnes-Jewish, and Breast Cancer Foundation of the Ozarks were suggested and they all have programs to get women free mammograms if they qualify).
I think I'm getting off subject again...
Here's the reason I'm sick of pink. I looked back at breast cancer death rates since 1975. That's 36 years, people. And guess what? The death rate is pretty flat. There was a steady rise in small and localized tumors through the 70s up to the turn of the century and now that rate has flattened out as well. (Those numbers were courtesy of mammography). Regional and distant breast cancer rates are essentially unchanged. All the money, all the awareness, all the screening...and women are basically dying at the the same rate as they were when I was born. A lot of the survivors are surviving small localized cancers that may not have spread and caused harm anyway. And women are dying of fast growing metastatic disease in spite of frequent mammograms. How many women who are doing just what they are supposed to, getting their boobs squashed yearly, getting a clear mammogram and then finding a lump 6 months later? Going through aggressive surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, only to die anyway.
Roughly the same number who were 10, 20, 30 years ago (per 100,000 population).
And how many of us have had aggressive surgery and chemotherapy for cancer that may have never caused a problem? There is no way of knowing if my cancer would have formed a lump, spread outside the chest, presented any symptoms whatsoever. Psychologically it would be impossible for me to live with a tumor inside me and wonder if it's growing. Wonder if the test next month will be the one that says we now have to do something. Wonder how long I have to live.
We've thrown BILLIONS at breast cancer. It's not changing much. WHY?
Is is because cancer is big business? How much money do drug companies make off of this incurable disease? What about new technology? I had a breast MRI after my mammogram and biopsy. Why? Theoretically it was so we could see if there was cancer in the other breast and make a decision whether to do a unilateral or bilateral mastectomy. In reality, I had already made up my mind to get both removed. And finding out I would have to get serial mammograms and breast MRIs to look for cancer in the remaining breast was enough to make me want the bilateral. I would have been hard pressed to have done either in a year, much less in 3 months. And again in 3 months. For 5 years.
But the hospital got to bill for the MRI and the radiologist got to bill for reading it. And it didn't change what we did. Had I decided to keep my right boob, they would have been billing my insurance for 10 more MRIs and 10 more mammograms. And probably for a two week vacation at the loony bin at least once or twice.
And the drugs, not just the chemo drugs but the nausea meds. OMG they were so expensive. One prescription was over $300 for 3 pills!! Yep over $100 per pill! That is MAD money! And the pharmacy was barely making anything (like $6 on the script). I don't even know how much the chemo drugs were but I'm guessing exorbitant. And the surgery. I did get a bill for that, at least the first one. $30,000 just for the hospital. Obviously my health plan didn't pay that much, but that's what was billed. Even if they only paid half...over $300/hour to be in the hospital. Wow. Steep.
Now of course, the drug companies have research expenses. They get government money and also spend their own. They have employees. The hospital has employees and plenty of patients who don't have insurance or the insurance doesn't pay as much as it cost to provide the care.
But drug companies need to have a good return on their research money. They are NOT spending money looking for a cure for cancer. If someone actually CURED cancer, what would the drug companies make money on? Well, there's still heart disease, AIDS, diabetes, lupus, fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, pain...I think they would survive. But they are not going to fund studies that will get rid of their profits. That's not good business.
And I don't expect them to. But if Merck and Walgreens are sponsoring Komen for the Cure they may stand to lose money if there was actually a cure found. I'm not saying the researchers who are being sponsored by Komen for the Cure aren't actually looking for a cure for cancer, but it does beg the question: how are researchers chosen? Is there research out there that could go on if it was only funded but big business is getting in the way?
How bad would our economy be if one of our biggest sectors, health care, was suddenly not needed because people got healthy, cancer was cured and chronic diseases were eradicated? Really, we can trace a head of lettuce from a supermarket in Chicago, IL to the field where it grew in Salinas, CA, we can build an international space station and keep it manned, we can determine what cow in what barn in Texas a T-bone served in a restaurant in New York City came from, yet we can't figure out cancer? Even if we don't cure it, at least cut the death rate? At least prevent metastasis?
Maybe we could if we didn't spend all this money painting the world pink.
I'm hating on pink because money is just being thrown by the gobs at breast cancer awareness. And lots of people buy the pink ribbon without knowing whether their purchase is actually doing anything more than making the pink ribbon seller beaucoup money. You can't spit in a public place in October without hitting something or someone sporting a pink ribbon.
Read the fine print, assuming you can find it, on a pink ribbon product. My pink ribbon envelopes say "a portion of the profits will be donated to support breast cancer research and education." I got on their website, I found the exact same thing. How much of the profits? What kind of research and education? I'm still wondering.
Many pink ribbon products don't even claim to do anything for breast cancer, other than raise awareness. Duh. We are all aware of it now...kids are getting in trouble for wearing "I Heart Boobies" bracelets to school.
I believe consumers are well meaning and it's certainly easy to buy something you were going to buy anyway and pay a little more for a pink ribbon on it, assuming the "little more" will go to help people with breast cancer. The Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation is the most well-known breast cancer fundraising group. Did you know they spend $0.21 of every dollar raised on administrative and fundraising costs? That sounds good until you realize everyone at each of the 3 Day for the Cure events is a volunteer and the ones walking have each raised over $2000 and paid $90 plus their own transportation for the privilege of walking 60 miles. I was planning to participate in the Atlanta 3 Day for the Cure event and then I had to put off my final surgery and I wasn't able to train. In the meantime, I did more research and pondering and came to some conclusions. If I spend over $500 to raise $2000, that's pretty wasteful. And if I give it to an organization that plans to keep most of it in Atlanta, I'm not helping local women with breast cancer (not that I have anything against women with breast cancer in Atlanta!) Did you know that Susan G. Komen for the Cure also supports Planned Parenthood? Planned Parenthood does mention on their website they offer breast cancer screenings, but guess what? They don't do mammograms!! I called Planned Parenthood clinics in Columbia, Springfield and St. Louis Metro (North County) and none of them offer mammogram services. They don't even offer a free breast exam if you are low/no income. So I wonder what they are doing with the money they get from Komen for the Cure?
In defense of Planned Parenthood, the ladies who answered the phone were VERY nice and gave me phone numbers of places to try and information about programs they knew about (Show Me Healthy Women, Barnes-Jewish, and Breast Cancer Foundation of the Ozarks were suggested and they all have programs to get women free mammograms if they qualify).
I think I'm getting off subject again...
Here's the reason I'm sick of pink. I looked back at breast cancer death rates since 1975. That's 36 years, people. And guess what? The death rate is pretty flat. There was a steady rise in small and localized tumors through the 70s up to the turn of the century and now that rate has flattened out as well. (Those numbers were courtesy of mammography). Regional and distant breast cancer rates are essentially unchanged. All the money, all the awareness, all the screening...and women are basically dying at the the same rate as they were when I was born. A lot of the survivors are surviving small localized cancers that may not have spread and caused harm anyway. And women are dying of fast growing metastatic disease in spite of frequent mammograms. How many women who are doing just what they are supposed to, getting their boobs squashed yearly, getting a clear mammogram and then finding a lump 6 months later? Going through aggressive surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, only to die anyway.
Roughly the same number who were 10, 20, 30 years ago (per 100,000 population).
And how many of us have had aggressive surgery and chemotherapy for cancer that may have never caused a problem? There is no way of knowing if my cancer would have formed a lump, spread outside the chest, presented any symptoms whatsoever. Psychologically it would be impossible for me to live with a tumor inside me and wonder if it's growing. Wonder if the test next month will be the one that says we now have to do something. Wonder how long I have to live.
We've thrown BILLIONS at breast cancer. It's not changing much. WHY?
Is is because cancer is big business? How much money do drug companies make off of this incurable disease? What about new technology? I had a breast MRI after my mammogram and biopsy. Why? Theoretically it was so we could see if there was cancer in the other breast and make a decision whether to do a unilateral or bilateral mastectomy. In reality, I had already made up my mind to get both removed. And finding out I would have to get serial mammograms and breast MRIs to look for cancer in the remaining breast was enough to make me want the bilateral. I would have been hard pressed to have done either in a year, much less in 3 months. And again in 3 months. For 5 years.
But the hospital got to bill for the MRI and the radiologist got to bill for reading it. And it didn't change what we did. Had I decided to keep my right boob, they would have been billing my insurance for 10 more MRIs and 10 more mammograms. And probably for a two week vacation at the loony bin at least once or twice.
And the drugs, not just the chemo drugs but the nausea meds. OMG they were so expensive. One prescription was over $300 for 3 pills!! Yep over $100 per pill! That is MAD money! And the pharmacy was barely making anything (like $6 on the script). I don't even know how much the chemo drugs were but I'm guessing exorbitant. And the surgery. I did get a bill for that, at least the first one. $30,000 just for the hospital. Obviously my health plan didn't pay that much, but that's what was billed. Even if they only paid half...over $300/hour to be in the hospital. Wow. Steep.
Now of course, the drug companies have research expenses. They get government money and also spend their own. They have employees. The hospital has employees and plenty of patients who don't have insurance or the insurance doesn't pay as much as it cost to provide the care.
But drug companies need to have a good return on their research money. They are NOT spending money looking for a cure for cancer. If someone actually CURED cancer, what would the drug companies make money on? Well, there's still heart disease, AIDS, diabetes, lupus, fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, pain...I think they would survive. But they are not going to fund studies that will get rid of their profits. That's not good business.
And I don't expect them to. But if Merck and Walgreens are sponsoring Komen for the Cure they may stand to lose money if there was actually a cure found. I'm not saying the researchers who are being sponsored by Komen for the Cure aren't actually looking for a cure for cancer, but it does beg the question: how are researchers chosen? Is there research out there that could go on if it was only funded but big business is getting in the way?
How bad would our economy be if one of our biggest sectors, health care, was suddenly not needed because people got healthy, cancer was cured and chronic diseases were eradicated? Really, we can trace a head of lettuce from a supermarket in Chicago, IL to the field where it grew in Salinas, CA, we can build an international space station and keep it manned, we can determine what cow in what barn in Texas a T-bone served in a restaurant in New York City came from, yet we can't figure out cancer? Even if we don't cure it, at least cut the death rate? At least prevent metastasis?
Maybe we could if we didn't spend all this money painting the world pink.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Lazy day...
It's almost noon and I'm still in my jammies. A couple of months ago there was nothing unusual about that but I've been doing a lot better. Not today, though. I was beat down by 5 yesterday evening and even contemplated going to bed early, but I was afraid I'd wake up at 3 am and not be able to go back to sleep. So instead I dozed off and on on the couch, falling asleep and then waking up and realizing I'd missed part of my show and rewinding (I love DVR!!) til I finally decided to go to bed. Apparently the last time I fell asleep was a good one because I didn't wake up til after 2!! Crap! Here I go again! This morning my back hurts and I'm tired and cranky. So I'm still in my jammies, playing with my cockatiel Coco and drinking coffee. And blogging (obviously).
Currently Coco is sitting on the back of the chair chewing his toes. I Googled. It's normal bird behavior.
NOS was very resistant to getting off the computer and doing his homework and going to bed last night. He apparently was also very quiet getting around this morning because I just knew he'd overslept and missed the bus. However...he didn't AND he put the trash can on the curb. Without being reminded by his mother. I'm so proud.
It's picture day for my little ones, so I made sure their clothes matched and picked a coordinating background color. School photos are getting expensive. $25 for each kid and you don't even get that many pics!! And the smallest package was still $18.
Now Coco is chewing on the wood trim around the window. I Googled again. Also normal bird behavior. Not sure if chewing is the right term, he doesn't have teeth, but beaking doesn't really sound right either.
I was reviewing my calendar and fall is going to be very busy for me!! Last outpatient surgery is coming up in a month. We've started planning our second anniversary party at the bar. Big D and I are booking bands right and left. PTA convention, school events, family get-togethers, the holidays. So much to do, so little time.
I'm feeling loathe to leave my house on a day that I don't really HAVE to when I think about all the non-lazy days I have coming up. The couple of things I had on my list for today can wait til tomorrow. That way I don't have to drive to the big city twice in two days.
See, I'm conserving energy, treehuggers.
So bring on the Nutella s'mores and a Criminal Minds marathon.
Currently Coco is sitting on the back of the chair chewing his toes. I Googled. It's normal bird behavior.
NOS was very resistant to getting off the computer and doing his homework and going to bed last night. He apparently was also very quiet getting around this morning because I just knew he'd overslept and missed the bus. However...he didn't AND he put the trash can on the curb. Without being reminded by his mother. I'm so proud.
It's picture day for my little ones, so I made sure their clothes matched and picked a coordinating background color. School photos are getting expensive. $25 for each kid and you don't even get that many pics!! And the smallest package was still $18.
Now Coco is chewing on the wood trim around the window. I Googled again. Also normal bird behavior. Not sure if chewing is the right term, he doesn't have teeth, but beaking doesn't really sound right either.
I was reviewing my calendar and fall is going to be very busy for me!! Last outpatient surgery is coming up in a month. We've started planning our second anniversary party at the bar. Big D and I are booking bands right and left. PTA convention, school events, family get-togethers, the holidays. So much to do, so little time.
I'm feeling loathe to leave my house on a day that I don't really HAVE to when I think about all the non-lazy days I have coming up. The couple of things I had on my list for today can wait til tomorrow. That way I don't have to drive to the big city twice in two days.
See, I'm conserving energy, treehuggers.
So bring on the Nutella s'mores and a Criminal Minds marathon.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I'm feeling a little verklempt...towk amongst yourselves...
Well, I had good intentions of blogging last night, but somehow the sandman caught up with me by the time I finished googling how to spell "verklempt." A google search of that word, of course, brought up the old Mike Myers Coffee Talk with Linda Richman skit from Saturday Night Live, and of course I had to watch it. Top of the list on Hulu was the one with Madonna and Roseanne where Barbra Streisand made a guest appearance. Ahhh, memories.
But verklempt I was yesterday when I walked into the 7th floor waiting room at Siteman Cancer Center. As I looked around the room while I waited to get my blood drawn, I couldn't help but remember being there for the first time last August. I was scared to death but trying not to show it. I'm glad I had my good friend Kondee's Mom and my loving DH with me. It made me wish I'd tried a little harder to get someone to come with me yesterday, but I honestly didn't think it would be anything other than routine. And it really wasn't, except inside my head and heart.
All that talk about coffee made me want some, and coffee made me want breakfast, but now I'm back.
It's been hard to blog this summer as I've gotten busier and not had much of a schedule. But with school starting Thursday, I think it's time to get back on track. I have a running to-do list a mile long, but it's torture to only do chores, so I've been trying to intersperse some fun stuff in there too. Funny how I don't have a hard time checking "get nails done" off the list, but "clean out junk rooms" (yes, there's TWO of them!) just keeps sitting there, big blank space off to the side, and all the junk keeps sitting there too. So I've made it a goal to work on the junk, 15 minutes at a time, and eventually it will be gone. As long as I resist adding to it (I can hear DH laughing as he reads this!!)
But anyway, back to my overwhelming emotions yesterday. It was such a strange mix of happy and sad, foreboding and relief. I teared up as I was waiting to get my blood drawn, but I sucked it up quickly because I realized that I really didn't want someone I don't know diving into my business, asking what's wrong, comforting me, etc. Yep, that's right, I'm finally getting back to normal!!! I looked around the room and saw people who looked sick and people who looked well. I saw suffering, bitterness, anger, despair, hope, desperation, acceptance, sadness and joy. I realized I'd been through all those feelings and so much more over the past year. In fact, in my verklempt moment, I think I experienced all of them at once, which was why I felt so full. I WAS full. And full is so, so much better than empty.
Empty. Yep that's the word I was looking for. That's what was different. I had felt empty for a few months as I was transitioning from being sick to being well. Don't get me wrong, I still had the support and love of my friends and family. I still had people calling or texting, offering help if I needed it, being gracious if I declined invitations and understanding if I left early. But still, I felt like something was missing. I know my doctor saw it too, which is why she offered to refer me to the psychologist at Siteman when I saw her back in March. I figured a head shrinker 200 miles out of the way probably wasn't going to be helpful, so I started seeing someone locally about 4 months ago.
I was surprised, initially, that anyone could possibly think I needed some mental help after the events of the last year. After all, I was coping, wasn't I? I was getting out of bed every day, brushing my teeth, eating, cleaning up after the kids, going to PTA meetings, doing stuff for the bar, etc. I was getting back to normal life. Except I wasn't.
In reality I was burying my feelings, unless they were happy ones. And they should be happy ones, right? After all, I have so much to be thankful for! I'm done with cancer treatments, my kids are healthy, my DH has a good job, the bar business is growing, I'm losing weight, I have a dependable car and a roof over my head. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
But I still felt empty. If I was an evangelical, this is where I would inject that I needed Jesus to fill me up. I'm a Christian, so I know it wasn't God or Jesus I was missing. In fact, I've felt closer to God over the past year because of all the troubles I've had. I've felt like Job at times, although he had it WAY worse than me.
Empty. All this good, all this light, but empty. Why oh why when I lay my head on the pillow at night could I not turn my brain off and go to sleep?? Why oh why would I fall asleep watching TV or reading and then crawl in bed and it's like I just drank a venti red eye?? What was wrong with me?
Dr. E has finally helped me put my finger on it. Talking to her every couple of weeks for an hour has helped me discover what the problem is, why I should be happy and can't, why in the past I should have been sad and wasn't. Cyclothymic disorder. It's like a mild form of bipolar disorder. As a matter of fact, what clued me in was the article in People back in April about Catherine Zeta-Jones struggle with bipolar disorder. After I read the article, it was like the pieces of the puzzle finally started to fit.
I talked to DH and he read up on it a little and agreed the symptoms seemed to align with my behavior. I mentioned it to Dr. E and we explored the possibility that I was bipolar as opposed to dysthymic (like a mild form of depression). In the end, since my up moods were not extreme (no $10K spending sprees or gambling weekends), she settled on cyclothymic disorder for a diagnosis.
Diagnosis. A label. Some people would find having a diagnosed mental illness to be disturbing, shameful, embarrassing. I find it...relieving. Yes, there really is something wrong with me! (Pipe down over there, peanut gallery!) That doesn't mean I'm GLAD there's something wrong and I'm not going to use it as an excuse for bad behavior, but to know that there is something a little off in my brain that causes my mood to cycle up and down, well, it helps. If I'm aware of it, I can have some control over it. I've been working with Dr. E on ways to recognize my mood is going one way or the other and strategies to control it.
Yep. That's right. I said control. Dealing with a mental disorder is all about control. I can't control my brain chemicals, but I can control my behavior. I can exercise, I can have a routine, I can have a bedtime, I can limit alcohol, I can take a sleeping pill when I need it. I can recognize when I'm cycling up or down and not feed into the behaviors that go along with the up and down.
No more dragging out my entire closet onto my bed because I have to clean out my closet today. No more procrastination, which is an off-shoot of perfectionism. No more perfectionism, for that matter.
I wish I could figure out exactly what clicked yesterday. What made me realize my gauge had moved from empty to full? I'm looking around my house, and I'm still seeing my little fires that need to be put out. I'm going over my "to-do" list and there are still things that need to be done. That list will never be empty. Maybe that's what it is. The understanding that I will never get it all done, and it will never be perfect. But I can still get a lot of it done, and I can do my best. Not perfect.
Just...me.
But verklempt I was yesterday when I walked into the 7th floor waiting room at Siteman Cancer Center. As I looked around the room while I waited to get my blood drawn, I couldn't help but remember being there for the first time last August. I was scared to death but trying not to show it. I'm glad I had my good friend Kondee's Mom and my loving DH with me. It made me wish I'd tried a little harder to get someone to come with me yesterday, but I honestly didn't think it would be anything other than routine. And it really wasn't, except inside my head and heart.
All that talk about coffee made me want some, and coffee made me want breakfast, but now I'm back.
It's been hard to blog this summer as I've gotten busier and not had much of a schedule. But with school starting Thursday, I think it's time to get back on track. I have a running to-do list a mile long, but it's torture to only do chores, so I've been trying to intersperse some fun stuff in there too. Funny how I don't have a hard time checking "get nails done" off the list, but "clean out junk rooms" (yes, there's TWO of them!) just keeps sitting there, big blank space off to the side, and all the junk keeps sitting there too. So I've made it a goal to work on the junk, 15 minutes at a time, and eventually it will be gone. As long as I resist adding to it (I can hear DH laughing as he reads this!!)
But anyway, back to my overwhelming emotions yesterday. It was such a strange mix of happy and sad, foreboding and relief. I teared up as I was waiting to get my blood drawn, but I sucked it up quickly because I realized that I really didn't want someone I don't know diving into my business, asking what's wrong, comforting me, etc. Yep, that's right, I'm finally getting back to normal!!! I looked around the room and saw people who looked sick and people who looked well. I saw suffering, bitterness, anger, despair, hope, desperation, acceptance, sadness and joy. I realized I'd been through all those feelings and so much more over the past year. In fact, in my verklempt moment, I think I experienced all of them at once, which was why I felt so full. I WAS full. And full is so, so much better than empty.
Empty. Yep that's the word I was looking for. That's what was different. I had felt empty for a few months as I was transitioning from being sick to being well. Don't get me wrong, I still had the support and love of my friends and family. I still had people calling or texting, offering help if I needed it, being gracious if I declined invitations and understanding if I left early. But still, I felt like something was missing. I know my doctor saw it too, which is why she offered to refer me to the psychologist at Siteman when I saw her back in March. I figured a head shrinker 200 miles out of the way probably wasn't going to be helpful, so I started seeing someone locally about 4 months ago.
I was surprised, initially, that anyone could possibly think I needed some mental help after the events of the last year. After all, I was coping, wasn't I? I was getting out of bed every day, brushing my teeth, eating, cleaning up after the kids, going to PTA meetings, doing stuff for the bar, etc. I was getting back to normal life. Except I wasn't.
In reality I was burying my feelings, unless they were happy ones. And they should be happy ones, right? After all, I have so much to be thankful for! I'm done with cancer treatments, my kids are healthy, my DH has a good job, the bar business is growing, I'm losing weight, I have a dependable car and a roof over my head. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
But I still felt empty. If I was an evangelical, this is where I would inject that I needed Jesus to fill me up. I'm a Christian, so I know it wasn't God or Jesus I was missing. In fact, I've felt closer to God over the past year because of all the troubles I've had. I've felt like Job at times, although he had it WAY worse than me.
Empty. All this good, all this light, but empty. Why oh why when I lay my head on the pillow at night could I not turn my brain off and go to sleep?? Why oh why would I fall asleep watching TV or reading and then crawl in bed and it's like I just drank a venti red eye?? What was wrong with me?
Dr. E has finally helped me put my finger on it. Talking to her every couple of weeks for an hour has helped me discover what the problem is, why I should be happy and can't, why in the past I should have been sad and wasn't. Cyclothymic disorder. It's like a mild form of bipolar disorder. As a matter of fact, what clued me in was the article in People back in April about Catherine Zeta-Jones struggle with bipolar disorder. After I read the article, it was like the pieces of the puzzle finally started to fit.
I talked to DH and he read up on it a little and agreed the symptoms seemed to align with my behavior. I mentioned it to Dr. E and we explored the possibility that I was bipolar as opposed to dysthymic (like a mild form of depression). In the end, since my up moods were not extreme (no $10K spending sprees or gambling weekends), she settled on cyclothymic disorder for a diagnosis.
Diagnosis. A label. Some people would find having a diagnosed mental illness to be disturbing, shameful, embarrassing. I find it...relieving. Yes, there really is something wrong with me! (Pipe down over there, peanut gallery!) That doesn't mean I'm GLAD there's something wrong and I'm not going to use it as an excuse for bad behavior, but to know that there is something a little off in my brain that causes my mood to cycle up and down, well, it helps. If I'm aware of it, I can have some control over it. I've been working with Dr. E on ways to recognize my mood is going one way or the other and strategies to control it.
Yep. That's right. I said control. Dealing with a mental disorder is all about control. I can't control my brain chemicals, but I can control my behavior. I can exercise, I can have a routine, I can have a bedtime, I can limit alcohol, I can take a sleeping pill when I need it. I can recognize when I'm cycling up or down and not feed into the behaviors that go along with the up and down.
No more dragging out my entire closet onto my bed because I have to clean out my closet today. No more procrastination, which is an off-shoot of perfectionism. No more perfectionism, for that matter.
I wish I could figure out exactly what clicked yesterday. What made me realize my gauge had moved from empty to full? I'm looking around my house, and I'm still seeing my little fires that need to be put out. I'm going over my "to-do" list and there are still things that need to be done. That list will never be empty. Maybe that's what it is. The understanding that I will never get it all done, and it will never be perfect. But I can still get a lot of it done, and I can do my best. Not perfect.
Just...me.
Friday, June 24, 2011
I'm still here!! Really!
I've not fallen off the face of the earth, just took a little break. The kiddos are out of school and I've taken on a few more responsibilities at the bar, so it's a little difficult to blog. Plus NOS has become obsessed with some game on the internet and it's getting harder and harder to wrestle the computer away from him. He's getting big!! But I swear, I will be catching everyone up soon! Promise ;-)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Hurtful words and deeds
The past couple of days have been, well, just awful. I won't go into details, but let's just say DH and I have been tusslin like two cornfed farm boys over Mama's last biscuit. I think maybe, just maybe, we have finally buried the hatchet, and of course, something good has come out of the whole situation.
I came to realize I didn't really have my priorities in the right order. I am currently taking a break from Facebook and Twitter so maybe I can get back on track (although, when I post links I will have to get on there, but I won't look, Ma, I promise!!) This week I have unintentionally hurt people I really love and I don't have a good reason. But upon examining my actions, I realized I've got a lot of anger that I haven't dealt with. Now what on earth could I possibly be angry about? Haha, glad you asked. I'm angry because I feel like I've been let down by people who love me. But what have I done about it? I've suppressed it, pushed it way down, compressed it to the point that if it was a lump of coal it would be a diamond. I've ignored it to the point that I've done hurtful things to a couple of people, I think, subconsciously wanting to hurt them like they've hurt me.
I spent a couple of hours yesterday afternoon crying on the shoulder of my good friend BeBe and once I got it all out, she told me what she thought...that I've been depressed, probably because I have been through a lot the past year and haven't really dealt with it. And it's true. Yeah, I've blogged, but I often concentrate on the funny stuff or just putting info out there without really getting into my true feelings.
I don't blame the people who I felt have let me down. I think everyone gives exactly as much as they can when they can, and if that doesn't live up to my expectations, and I don't let them know, then it is my fault, not theirs. So I guess a lot of my anger comes back to myself. I'm angry that I haven't been able to express my needs and wants. I'm angry because I have felt like I can't burden anyone with my problems. I feel like I have "given it to God" so many times, and it helps for awhile, but sometimes I need a little feedback. I need someone else to say "I've got this," without it sounding like I'm a huge inconvenience to them. Maybe God has given me feedback and I've not been listening.
I'm angry with BFF because I feel like she started avoiding me after I got diagnosed. But you know what? I've never said a word. If I can't even talk to her and tell her how I feel, how good of friends are we? Instead, I blew her off and went out with other friends. I justified it to myself because I figured she wouldn't really miss me. I miscalculated badly. But I think, deep down, I just wanted to hurt her like she's hurt me. Or how I think she's hurt me. Because here's the thing...I've never once acted like I've had a problem. I've just smiled and gone on. I should not have done that. I should have said, hey, are you avoiding me? But I didn't want to upset her, Lord knows she's also had a lot going on in the past year. The last thing someone who is spread too thin needs is someone trying to get more attention.
I'm angry with DH too, because he's not been physically here with me through a lot of my illness. Again, not his fault. I've never said, can you please talk to your boss and see if you can take a few days off. When he flew in last month I wanted us to just spend his two days in St. Louis, just me and him. But I didn't say anything. Even if he hadn't have wanted to, I should have at least said that I wanted to.
So today, I plan to start rectifying the situation. I'm going to talk to BFF and DH, share how I feel, and listen to how they feel too. They are angry with me and have every right to be. But if we don't talk to each other and work it out, if we just keep burying our problems deeper and deeper, they are not going to resolve, they will only get worse. And eventually they will rear their ugly heads and make a minor thing turn into a big explosion. And I don't want that.
I came to realize I didn't really have my priorities in the right order. I am currently taking a break from Facebook and Twitter so maybe I can get back on track (although, when I post links I will have to get on there, but I won't look, Ma, I promise!!) This week I have unintentionally hurt people I really love and I don't have a good reason. But upon examining my actions, I realized I've got a lot of anger that I haven't dealt with. Now what on earth could I possibly be angry about? Haha, glad you asked. I'm angry because I feel like I've been let down by people who love me. But what have I done about it? I've suppressed it, pushed it way down, compressed it to the point that if it was a lump of coal it would be a diamond. I've ignored it to the point that I've done hurtful things to a couple of people, I think, subconsciously wanting to hurt them like they've hurt me.
I spent a couple of hours yesterday afternoon crying on the shoulder of my good friend BeBe and once I got it all out, she told me what she thought...that I've been depressed, probably because I have been through a lot the past year and haven't really dealt with it. And it's true. Yeah, I've blogged, but I often concentrate on the funny stuff or just putting info out there without really getting into my true feelings.
I don't blame the people who I felt have let me down. I think everyone gives exactly as much as they can when they can, and if that doesn't live up to my expectations, and I don't let them know, then it is my fault, not theirs. So I guess a lot of my anger comes back to myself. I'm angry that I haven't been able to express my needs and wants. I'm angry because I have felt like I can't burden anyone with my problems. I feel like I have "given it to God" so many times, and it helps for awhile, but sometimes I need a little feedback. I need someone else to say "I've got this," without it sounding like I'm a huge inconvenience to them. Maybe God has given me feedback and I've not been listening.
I'm angry with BFF because I feel like she started avoiding me after I got diagnosed. But you know what? I've never said a word. If I can't even talk to her and tell her how I feel, how good of friends are we? Instead, I blew her off and went out with other friends. I justified it to myself because I figured she wouldn't really miss me. I miscalculated badly. But I think, deep down, I just wanted to hurt her like she's hurt me. Or how I think she's hurt me. Because here's the thing...I've never once acted like I've had a problem. I've just smiled and gone on. I should not have done that. I should have said, hey, are you avoiding me? But I didn't want to upset her, Lord knows she's also had a lot going on in the past year. The last thing someone who is spread too thin needs is someone trying to get more attention.
I'm angry with DH too, because he's not been physically here with me through a lot of my illness. Again, not his fault. I've never said, can you please talk to your boss and see if you can take a few days off. When he flew in last month I wanted us to just spend his two days in St. Louis, just me and him. But I didn't say anything. Even if he hadn't have wanted to, I should have at least said that I wanted to.
So today, I plan to start rectifying the situation. I'm going to talk to BFF and DH, share how I feel, and listen to how they feel too. They are angry with me and have every right to be. But if we don't talk to each other and work it out, if we just keep burying our problems deeper and deeper, they are not going to resolve, they will only get worse. And eventually they will rear their ugly heads and make a minor thing turn into a big explosion. And I don't want that.
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