Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Does it ever end?
I'm coming up on a few milestones in the next couple of months. On April 1st, I celebrate seventeen years of being a mom. OnJune 4th, twenty years of being a wife. And on July 14, four years of being a breast cancer survivor. The further out I get from my diagnosis, the LESS nervous I should be about recurrence, right? Wrong. I have a check up next week (on Number One Son's birthday poor planning on my part) and the closer it gets, the more on edge I am. It's enough to make me think it's time to start seeing the head shrinker again. So if I ever cross your mind, say a little prayer for my family having to put up with my crazy. And that I have a boring, uneventful visit with my doctors. And while you're at it, pray for all those whose cancer has come back. It's a club I don't want to join.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Curse you, lady parts
Not sure what's up with me...two blog posts in one day. I gotta rant for a little while though.
All my life, it seems, my lady parts have been giving me grief. I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 24, just shy of NumberOneSon's first birthday. As a matter of fact, I had surgery and then had his birthday party the following weekend. What can I say, you have a lot more energy when you're in your 20s.
Just six weeks after my surgery, the pain came back. A month later we moved to Louisiana so I got to try to find another doctor. The first one I saw was a quack. I thought maybe I could just muddle through for awhile. But no, I needed a doctor. The second one was pretty good and we managed for several years.
After I graduated from nursing school and got a job, I got new health insurance and had to find a new doctor. I asked around and Dr. B came highly recommended. I continued to muddle through but eventually the pain just got to be too much and I had surgery again. This time I had real relief. And apparently real fertility too, because I was pregnant with Ms. Thang three months later. In spite of the Pill.
And then 16 days short of two years later, BabyBoy came along. Also in spite of the Pill.
**Boys and girls, do not trust just one form of birth control if you really don't want to have a kid.**
Don't get me wrong...I was excited to have my babies, we were just surprised, that's all. If I had waited till I thought I was ready, well, I'd probably still be waiting.
My lady parts had gone from giving me pain to working a little too good.
All that pregnancy and breastfeeding helped keep the endometriosis at bay for awhile. But when BabyBoy was about three, I started to have some pain here and there. It was livable but in the back of my mind I knew at some point I'd probably have to have another surgery.
In 2010 I got my upper lady parts squished and found out I had breast cancer. I had the surgeries and chemo, took a shot and pill to suppress estrogen since it was an estrogen receptor positive cancer (the most common, least aggressive and most treatable kind). The added bonus was that it cured my endometriosis.
Unfortunately, the miracle shot and pill have given me old lady bones. In an effort to not break a hip, my doctor changed my pill from an aromatase inhibitor to a SERM (selective estrogen receptor modulator). Apparently SERMs are anti-estrogen in breast tissue but pro-estrogen in the uterus. I'm still trying to figure out how that works.
Anyway, the pro-estrogen causes the lining of the uterus to grow and since endometriosis is simply uterine tissue growing outside the uterus, that's growing too. So now I have severe intermittent pain. I went to the GYN NP today and I go back to see the OB-GYN in two weeks.
There are a few treatment options...progesterone to counter the estrogen. Going back on the aromatase inhibitor. Stopping the SERM and just taking the shot. Surgery to clean out the endometriosis. A hysterectomy.
So now I've gotta do MORE research and try to figure out what's best. As if I don't have enough things to keep me busy.
So curse you, lady parts. You're nothing but trouble.
RDG
All my life, it seems, my lady parts have been giving me grief. I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 24, just shy of NumberOneSon's first birthday. As a matter of fact, I had surgery and then had his birthday party the following weekend. What can I say, you have a lot more energy when you're in your 20s.
Just six weeks after my surgery, the pain came back. A month later we moved to Louisiana so I got to try to find another doctor. The first one I saw was a quack. I thought maybe I could just muddle through for awhile. But no, I needed a doctor. The second one was pretty good and we managed for several years.
After I graduated from nursing school and got a job, I got new health insurance and had to find a new doctor. I asked around and Dr. B came highly recommended. I continued to muddle through but eventually the pain just got to be too much and I had surgery again. This time I had real relief. And apparently real fertility too, because I was pregnant with Ms. Thang three months later. In spite of the Pill.
And then 16 days short of two years later, BabyBoy came along. Also in spite of the Pill.
**Boys and girls, do not trust just one form of birth control if you really don't want to have a kid.**
Don't get me wrong...I was excited to have my babies, we were just surprised, that's all. If I had waited till I thought I was ready, well, I'd probably still be waiting.
My lady parts had gone from giving me pain to working a little too good.
All that pregnancy and breastfeeding helped keep the endometriosis at bay for awhile. But when BabyBoy was about three, I started to have some pain here and there. It was livable but in the back of my mind I knew at some point I'd probably have to have another surgery.
In 2010 I got my upper lady parts squished and found out I had breast cancer. I had the surgeries and chemo, took a shot and pill to suppress estrogen since it was an estrogen receptor positive cancer (the most common, least aggressive and most treatable kind). The added bonus was that it cured my endometriosis.
Unfortunately, the miracle shot and pill have given me old lady bones. In an effort to not break a hip, my doctor changed my pill from an aromatase inhibitor to a SERM (selective estrogen receptor modulator). Apparently SERMs are anti-estrogen in breast tissue but pro-estrogen in the uterus. I'm still trying to figure out how that works.
Anyway, the pro-estrogen causes the lining of the uterus to grow and since endometriosis is simply uterine tissue growing outside the uterus, that's growing too. So now I have severe intermittent pain. I went to the GYN NP today and I go back to see the OB-GYN in two weeks.
There are a few treatment options...progesterone to counter the estrogen. Going back on the aromatase inhibitor. Stopping the SERM and just taking the shot. Surgery to clean out the endometriosis. A hysterectomy.
So now I've gotta do MORE research and try to figure out what's best. As if I don't have enough things to keep me busy.
So curse you, lady parts. You're nothing but trouble.
RDG
Retrospection...and change
Fall is a stressful time for me. I think it is for most people too, because as a child it represented going back to school and giving up the freedom of summer. Even as adults, there's just something about the cooler mornings and shorter days that bring about feelings of melancholy, especially when you start thinking about scraping car windows and shoveling snow (Missouri winters) or seemingly endless rain (Louisiana winters).
For me, though, fall represents one of the most difficult times of my life. It was when I was deep in the throes of cancer. Technically I had surgery in late summer, but chemo dominated the fall. So for me, fall is cancer weather. Driving three and a half hours to St. Louis, waiting. Getting my blood drawn, waiting. Seeing the doctor, waiting. Checking in for chemo, waiting. Going back to the chemo area, waiting. Starting the IV and hanging the IV fluids, waiting. Hanging the first bag of poison, then the second, then waiting to make sure I didn't have a weird reaction. And then finally, escape. Two of my chemo days I drove up the day before and stayed in a hotel and then drove back after chemo. One day we did it all in one day (the longest day EVER!!) and one day we drove up on chemo day and then stayed the night in a hotel and came back the next day. That trip was the most fun because it involved a lot of eating and shopping.
I had breakfast with my friend BeBe the other day and of course, as girls do, we talked about all sorts of things. She reminded me of some things I'd forgotten about that happened while I was sick and while I was recovering. I mentioned that I'd come across a notebook where I'd written down possible blog topics. Sadly, most of the topics are things that I don't remember the stories that go with them.
So if I ever ranted to you about something that happened during that time but you didn't see it mentioned in the blog, kindly drop me a note and refresh my memory. I'd like to fill in the blanks of the story. I'm tossing around the possibility of making an eBook out of it. Plus, I'd just like to know what happened! After all, it happened to me!
I spent some time the other day rereading my blog. I didn't go all the way back to the beginning (at some point I will) but rereading words I'd written a year ago, two years ago, three years ago, all I can say is, wow. Some of it was funny, a little of it was deep, most of it was crap.
And some of it was hurtful.
If my friend was going through cancer treatment and I read her blog and saw that she'd written something that I thought was about me and it was less than flattering, my feelings would definitely be hurt. I hope I'd wait till she was feeling better to say something. I'd hope that I'd understand that her negative feelings toward me were her point of view at that time, in the light of what she was going through. That maybe she was lashing out in anger, that a wealth of things seemed wrong but she only focused on a few. The easy ones. The low hanging fruit so to speak.
So...if you ever read my blog and said WTH? Did she really just say that? Was she talking about me? Just know that I was coming from a place of INSANITY. Cancer will do that to you. The unknown of whether you will live or die, whether you'll be sick or cured, whether the cancer will be eradicated or it will come back will absolutely make you crazy. And the crazy part about it is, you may not even KNOW you're crazy!!
Factor in a dose of cyclothymic (mild bipolar) disorder with the false anonymity of the Internet and it's a recipe for disaster. It's seriously a wonder that my friends and family are even speaking to me.
But they are. They showed me grace by forgiving me.
As I was rereading, there were parts that I cringed at. Ugh, I really said that? Parts that I'd like to take down, parts that were poorly written or used more salty language than I'd like to admit that I've used (and sometimes, in spite of my best efforts, still use). Parts that were hurtful, complaining because things weren't going my way. Whining. But it's what I went through. And if someone who's going through cancer reads it, they need to see the whole thing. Not just the nice parts. The ugly parts. The ugliness deep down in my soul. Inspirational stuff is nice, but what kind of person do you feel like if every cancer blog you read is all nice and all you have are black thoughts? I was angry. About losing my job, about getting cancer, about having to have multiple surgeries and go through chemo and take these awful drugs that put me into menopause. I was angry about hot flashes and not feeling attractive and not being able to go anywhere because my white count was too low or I just didn't feel like it. I was angry that I'd gained weight, my clothes didn't fit, my hair was coming back in and it looked awful.
In retrospect, I could have handled a host of things differently over the past three years. But, I didn't. And what's in my blog is what happened, at least from my point of view. I wish it wasn't my story. I wish my story was all happiness and inspiration.
If you read Little Women...I wish I could have been Beth. But most of the time I was Jo or Amy.
Alright, enough retrospection. It's time for a little change.
I'm going to go back through my blog and remove the posts that have nothing to do with cancer. I'll be moving these to a new blog that I'm calling The Secret Life of a PTA Mom (I'm sure there will be some disappointed pervy web surfers that discover it's not a porn site).
I'll still blog occasionally here about cancer, a subject that I hate and wish would go away. But the reality is that at this point cancer is no longer consuming my life and that's a good thing.
RDG
For me, though, fall represents one of the most difficult times of my life. It was when I was deep in the throes of cancer. Technically I had surgery in late summer, but chemo dominated the fall. So for me, fall is cancer weather. Driving three and a half hours to St. Louis, waiting. Getting my blood drawn, waiting. Seeing the doctor, waiting. Checking in for chemo, waiting. Going back to the chemo area, waiting. Starting the IV and hanging the IV fluids, waiting. Hanging the first bag of poison, then the second, then waiting to make sure I didn't have a weird reaction. And then finally, escape. Two of my chemo days I drove up the day before and stayed in a hotel and then drove back after chemo. One day we did it all in one day (the longest day EVER!!) and one day we drove up on chemo day and then stayed the night in a hotel and came back the next day. That trip was the most fun because it involved a lot of eating and shopping.
I had breakfast with my friend BeBe the other day and of course, as girls do, we talked about all sorts of things. She reminded me of some things I'd forgotten about that happened while I was sick and while I was recovering. I mentioned that I'd come across a notebook where I'd written down possible blog topics. Sadly, most of the topics are things that I don't remember the stories that go with them.
So if I ever ranted to you about something that happened during that time but you didn't see it mentioned in the blog, kindly drop me a note and refresh my memory. I'd like to fill in the blanks of the story. I'm tossing around the possibility of making an eBook out of it. Plus, I'd just like to know what happened! After all, it happened to me!
I spent some time the other day rereading my blog. I didn't go all the way back to the beginning (at some point I will) but rereading words I'd written a year ago, two years ago, three years ago, all I can say is, wow. Some of it was funny, a little of it was deep, most of it was crap.
And some of it was hurtful.
If my friend was going through cancer treatment and I read her blog and saw that she'd written something that I thought was about me and it was less than flattering, my feelings would definitely be hurt. I hope I'd wait till she was feeling better to say something. I'd hope that I'd understand that her negative feelings toward me were her point of view at that time, in the light of what she was going through. That maybe she was lashing out in anger, that a wealth of things seemed wrong but she only focused on a few. The easy ones. The low hanging fruit so to speak.
So...if you ever read my blog and said WTH? Did she really just say that? Was she talking about me? Just know that I was coming from a place of INSANITY. Cancer will do that to you. The unknown of whether you will live or die, whether you'll be sick or cured, whether the cancer will be eradicated or it will come back will absolutely make you crazy. And the crazy part about it is, you may not even KNOW you're crazy!!
Factor in a dose of cyclothymic (mild bipolar) disorder with the false anonymity of the Internet and it's a recipe for disaster. It's seriously a wonder that my friends and family are even speaking to me.
But they are. They showed me grace by forgiving me.
As I was rereading, there were parts that I cringed at. Ugh, I really said that? Parts that I'd like to take down, parts that were poorly written or used more salty language than I'd like to admit that I've used (and sometimes, in spite of my best efforts, still use). Parts that were hurtful, complaining because things weren't going my way. Whining. But it's what I went through. And if someone who's going through cancer reads it, they need to see the whole thing. Not just the nice parts. The ugly parts. The ugliness deep down in my soul. Inspirational stuff is nice, but what kind of person do you feel like if every cancer blog you read is all nice and all you have are black thoughts? I was angry. About losing my job, about getting cancer, about having to have multiple surgeries and go through chemo and take these awful drugs that put me into menopause. I was angry about hot flashes and not feeling attractive and not being able to go anywhere because my white count was too low or I just didn't feel like it. I was angry that I'd gained weight, my clothes didn't fit, my hair was coming back in and it looked awful.
In retrospect, I could have handled a host of things differently over the past three years. But, I didn't. And what's in my blog is what happened, at least from my point of view. I wish it wasn't my story. I wish my story was all happiness and inspiration.
If you read Little Women...I wish I could have been Beth. But most of the time I was Jo or Amy.
Alright, enough retrospection. It's time for a little change.
I'm going to go back through my blog and remove the posts that have nothing to do with cancer. I'll be moving these to a new blog that I'm calling The Secret Life of a PTA Mom (I'm sure there will be some disappointed pervy web surfers that discover it's not a porn site).
I'll still blog occasionally here about cancer, a subject that I hate and wish would go away. But the reality is that at this point cancer is no longer consuming my life and that's a good thing.
RDG
Friday, September 6, 2013
Absence makes the heart grow fonder...
I didn't realize it had been so long since I last posted to my blog. Over a year. Wow. Well, I guess I've been pretty busy and things have been getting back to normal so I really haven't had much to say. Until now.
I went to the doctor this past Tuesday and got some unexpected news. I'm three years out from my mastectomy and I still have a little over two years to go taking hormone/endocrine therapy. Since I had an estrogen-receptor positive tumor, the recommendation is to take something to block estrogen for five years post chemotherapy. When I went to the oncologist to set up the chemo, she suggested I enroll in a clinical trial comparing an aromatase inhibitor (exemestane) to tamoxifen, the traditional treatment. I was randomized to the test group. Because I've not entered menopause yet, I've also been taking a shot that completely blocks my ovaries from producing estrogen. Exemestane blocks the estrogen produced by other parts of your body (who knew that estrogen came from anywhere else?). So I guess you could say I'm in a chemically induced menopause.
Because I'm menopausal, I am more likely to have decreased bone density. They did a bone density scan about 2.5 years ago and it didn't look bad for my age. However, I had another one Tuesday and I now have osteopenia, which is mild bone loss. In 2.5 years I've lost 8% of my bone density. That doesn't sound like much but apparently it's pretty bad. My oncology NP wanted me to go over to the chemo area and get an IV of Reclast (same type of drugs that Sally Field and Blythe Danner advertise on TV). I've heard some bad things about bisphosphonates so I was leery and since my bone density didn't decrease overnight, I decided to come home and do a little research.
Come to find out, my menopause formula vitamins only have 25% of the RDA for calcium. You'd think a vitamin made for women who are at risk for bone loss would have enough calcium in it!! As I look back over the course of the last couple of years, I realized that after I cut soda out of my diet and started eating healthier, I don't have nearly as much heartburn so I rarely take Tums anymore. I used to take 2-4 of them a day, in addition to taking Pepcid.
So trying to be healthy has made me...less healthy.
Good grief.
Oh, well, at least we caught it. After doing a little more research, I found that tamoxifen can actually improve bone density. It's a drug that's in the same class as Evista, which treat osteoporosis!! So if I'd been randomized to the control group of the study, or opted not to do the study, I likely wouldn't have osteopenia right now.
So trying to help others has actually...hurt me.
Seriously?
It is what it is. I can't change what's happened to me over the past three years but I can make changes for the future. My oncology NP called me this morning and she's going to call in a prescription for tamoxifen. I'm still going to take the sweet monthly menopause shot. I'm also taking calcium supplements and *gasp* walking and lifting weights to hopefully improve my bone density. We'll do another bone scan in a year to see if it's better, the same or worse. Better would be best, but even the same is acceptable since bone density does not change quickly.
After a few days to mull this over, I'm over my initial anger and fear. I'm super stoked that I've gotten a clean bill of health once again as far as the cancer goes. I'm glad that my complication is something that can be treated with diet and exercise and a medication change rather than adding another medication. I'm glad that in all my clumsiness I haven't broken any bones.
It's all good.
I went to the doctor this past Tuesday and got some unexpected news. I'm three years out from my mastectomy and I still have a little over two years to go taking hormone/endocrine therapy. Since I had an estrogen-receptor positive tumor, the recommendation is to take something to block estrogen for five years post chemotherapy. When I went to the oncologist to set up the chemo, she suggested I enroll in a clinical trial comparing an aromatase inhibitor (exemestane) to tamoxifen, the traditional treatment. I was randomized to the test group. Because I've not entered menopause yet, I've also been taking a shot that completely blocks my ovaries from producing estrogen. Exemestane blocks the estrogen produced by other parts of your body (who knew that estrogen came from anywhere else?). So I guess you could say I'm in a chemically induced menopause.
Because I'm menopausal, I am more likely to have decreased bone density. They did a bone density scan about 2.5 years ago and it didn't look bad for my age. However, I had another one Tuesday and I now have osteopenia, which is mild bone loss. In 2.5 years I've lost 8% of my bone density. That doesn't sound like much but apparently it's pretty bad. My oncology NP wanted me to go over to the chemo area and get an IV of Reclast (same type of drugs that Sally Field and Blythe Danner advertise on TV). I've heard some bad things about bisphosphonates so I was leery and since my bone density didn't decrease overnight, I decided to come home and do a little research.
Come to find out, my menopause formula vitamins only have 25% of the RDA for calcium. You'd think a vitamin made for women who are at risk for bone loss would have enough calcium in it!! As I look back over the course of the last couple of years, I realized that after I cut soda out of my diet and started eating healthier, I don't have nearly as much heartburn so I rarely take Tums anymore. I used to take 2-4 of them a day, in addition to taking Pepcid.
So trying to be healthy has made me...less healthy.
Good grief.
Oh, well, at least we caught it. After doing a little more research, I found that tamoxifen can actually improve bone density. It's a drug that's in the same class as Evista, which treat osteoporosis!! So if I'd been randomized to the control group of the study, or opted not to do the study, I likely wouldn't have osteopenia right now.
So trying to help others has actually...hurt me.
Seriously?
It is what it is. I can't change what's happened to me over the past three years but I can make changes for the future. My oncology NP called me this morning and she's going to call in a prescription for tamoxifen. I'm still going to take the sweet monthly menopause shot. I'm also taking calcium supplements and *gasp* walking and lifting weights to hopefully improve my bone density. We'll do another bone scan in a year to see if it's better, the same or worse. Better would be best, but even the same is acceptable since bone density does not change quickly.
After a few days to mull this over, I'm over my initial anger and fear. I'm super stoked that I've gotten a clean bill of health once again as far as the cancer goes. I'm glad that my complication is something that can be treated with diet and exercise and a medication change rather than adding another medication. I'm glad that in all my clumsiness I haven't broken any bones.
It's all good.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
In the blink of an eye...
I wish I was like my friend Bungalow Bill and had something or multiple somethings to say every day. I have lots of opinions, it's true, but I also have the attention span of an elderly gnat so if I'm not where I can blog RIGHTNOW those thoughts are just going to drift on back to the dark corners of my brain.
Which is probably where most of them belong...
Anyhoo, I'm here, I have time and I have something on my mind. As soon as I grab a cup of coffee.
Alrighty, that's better. I was driving back from dropping the kids off at school and thinking about the significance of this date. For me it's fresh and still painful and probably always will be. Four years ago today my brother (in-law) passed away from recurrence of a cancer that's usually a childhood cancer. He was diagnosed when he was 28 or 29 and we lost him just after his 37th birthday. For weeks we weren't sure what was wrong with him and for months we were so afraid we were going to lose him. And then he had surgery and radiation and got back on his feet. The cancer couldn't be completely eradicated due to its location but the doctors watched him closely, doing tests frequently and watching those tumors.
We settled back into "normal" life, whatever that is. DH and I moved back from Louisiana. We had two more kids, my brother (in-law) and sister (in-law) had another kid. Our older kids were approaching their teen years. We went to soccer games and baseball games, had BBQs and birthday parties. And then the cancer came back.
For months he fought it. He had two more surgeries and multiple cyber knife treatments and chemo. And we hit a holding pattern. Things didn't get better but they didn't get worse either. But finally, it hit the point where there was nothing more that could be done. We fought against it. My sister (in-law) worked herself to death trying to keep the family going and take care of her beloved.
In spite of the fact we were only an hour away, DH and I weren't involved nearly enough. I was working two jobs and we were always just so busy and so tired. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for not being there more. I just hope my brother (in-law), wherever he is, knew that we loved him dearly. Because we did.
He had the most infectious laugh. He was so good at basketball. Everyone who knew him thought he was a great guy. Because he was a great guy. He would get down on the floor and wrestle with the kids. I hate it that my little ones didn't get to know him like Number One Son did. I smile whenever I think of him and when I see kids playing sports or someone drive by in a Jeep, he pops in my head. After we moved back, he and I talked on the phone almost weekly. We used to laugh about the fact that we were married to a brother and sister and talked to each other more than they did.
It breaks my heart that he's not around to guide his kids, to coach and cheer them on at soccer and basketball games. I know he would be proud of what they are becoming.
For many April 19 is burned in memory from Waco in 1993 and Oklahoma City in 1995. American History buffs remember April 19, 1775 as the beginning of the American Revolution, with the "shot heard round the world."
But for our family, it's the day we lost our brother, son, friend, father and husband. We will never forget.
Which is probably where most of them belong...
Anyhoo, I'm here, I have time and I have something on my mind. As soon as I grab a cup of coffee.
Alrighty, that's better. I was driving back from dropping the kids off at school and thinking about the significance of this date. For me it's fresh and still painful and probably always will be. Four years ago today my brother (in-law) passed away from recurrence of a cancer that's usually a childhood cancer. He was diagnosed when he was 28 or 29 and we lost him just after his 37th birthday. For weeks we weren't sure what was wrong with him and for months we were so afraid we were going to lose him. And then he had surgery and radiation and got back on his feet. The cancer couldn't be completely eradicated due to its location but the doctors watched him closely, doing tests frequently and watching those tumors.
We settled back into "normal" life, whatever that is. DH and I moved back from Louisiana. We had two more kids, my brother (in-law) and sister (in-law) had another kid. Our older kids were approaching their teen years. We went to soccer games and baseball games, had BBQs and birthday parties. And then the cancer came back.
For months he fought it. He had two more surgeries and multiple cyber knife treatments and chemo. And we hit a holding pattern. Things didn't get better but they didn't get worse either. But finally, it hit the point where there was nothing more that could be done. We fought against it. My sister (in-law) worked herself to death trying to keep the family going and take care of her beloved.
In spite of the fact we were only an hour away, DH and I weren't involved nearly enough. I was working two jobs and we were always just so busy and so tired. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for not being there more. I just hope my brother (in-law), wherever he is, knew that we loved him dearly. Because we did.
He had the most infectious laugh. He was so good at basketball. Everyone who knew him thought he was a great guy. Because he was a great guy. He would get down on the floor and wrestle with the kids. I hate it that my little ones didn't get to know him like Number One Son did. I smile whenever I think of him and when I see kids playing sports or someone drive by in a Jeep, he pops in my head. After we moved back, he and I talked on the phone almost weekly. We used to laugh about the fact that we were married to a brother and sister and talked to each other more than they did.
It breaks my heart that he's not around to guide his kids, to coach and cheer them on at soccer and basketball games. I know he would be proud of what they are becoming.
For many April 19 is burned in memory from Waco in 1993 and Oklahoma City in 1995. American History buffs remember April 19, 1775 as the beginning of the American Revolution, with the "shot heard round the world."
But for our family, it's the day we lost our brother, son, friend, father and husband. We will never forget.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
More pinkwashing
Pinkwasher: (pink’-wah-sher) noun. A company or organization that claims to care about breast cancer by promoting a pink ribbon product, but at the same time produces, manufactures and/or sells products that are linked to the disease.
Now, I don't know if EZ Disposal is technically a pinkwasher by the above definition, but I do know they are making some money off breast cancer. I've driven through Lebanon, MO, four times in the past two and a half weeks and I noticed pink dumpsters. Not the big ones like you see at a business but the rolling ones like I have NOS haul to the curb weekly to see if the city will privilege me by picking up my garbage. Yep, pretty pink rolly trash cans. This morning as I drove through I noticed one with a big sign on it that said "Kick breast cancer to the curb." I like that...catchy! Because the speed limit was low and traffic was slow, I had time to get the number off the sign and call them to ask about the pretty in pink dumpsters.
I was appalled by what the friendly lady who answered told me.
You pay an extra $5 a month to get your pink cart. The first month, they donate $5 to the American Cancer Society. Every month, they donate $1 to Curry Cancer Center. Yep, that's right. You pay an extra $60 a year and they donate $17 to defeat cancer.
OMG are you freaking kidding me???????????
Please, please, please, if you want to do something to help fight cancer, quit buying this crap! Write out a check to Breast Cancer Foundation of the Ozarks (if you're in the SWMO area) or Breast Cancer Action. Or just give the money to someone who has cancer. If you don't know anyone, ask around. I guarantee everyone you know knows someone with cancer.
If we keep buying into pinkwashing and other cause marketing, businesses will keep doing it.
Now, I don't know if EZ Disposal is technically a pinkwasher by the above definition, but I do know they are making some money off breast cancer. I've driven through Lebanon, MO, four times in the past two and a half weeks and I noticed pink dumpsters. Not the big ones like you see at a business but the rolling ones like I have NOS haul to the curb weekly to see if the city will privilege me by picking up my garbage. Yep, pretty pink rolly trash cans. This morning as I drove through I noticed one with a big sign on it that said "Kick breast cancer to the curb." I like that...catchy! Because the speed limit was low and traffic was slow, I had time to get the number off the sign and call them to ask about the pretty in pink dumpsters.
I was appalled by what the friendly lady who answered told me.
You pay an extra $5 a month to get your pink cart. The first month, they donate $5 to the American Cancer Society. Every month, they donate $1 to Curry Cancer Center. Yep, that's right. You pay an extra $60 a year and they donate $17 to defeat cancer.
OMG are you freaking kidding me???????????
Please, please, please, if you want to do something to help fight cancer, quit buying this crap! Write out a check to Breast Cancer Foundation of the Ozarks (if you're in the SWMO area) or Breast Cancer Action. Or just give the money to someone who has cancer. If you don't know anyone, ask around. I guarantee everyone you know knows someone with cancer.
If we keep buying into pinkwashing and other cause marketing, businesses will keep doing it.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Year in review and the future
Since I did a review of my year last year, and it's the last day of 2011, I thought I'd look back and muse over the events of the past 365 days. If you had told me last year on my birthday I would be schmoozing with politicians and would-be politicians (and even considering being one myself), I would have fallen out of my chair laughing. But here I am, helping organize a property rights group, going to city and county meetings, going to the school board meetings even when I don't have to, and helping organize a chili supper fundraiser and the county Republican caucus.
Wow. Didn't see that one coming. It makes sense though. I have a lot of time on my hands and a lot of opinions about how things should be going. And if I thought they were headed in the right direction, I would be spending more time reading People and Facebooking and less time trying to save the world, starting with Ozark and Christian County.
I've gotten more active in PTA and I'm using what I've learned there to help with the other organizations with which I've become involved. And sadly, whether it's a non-profit, a political party, a job, church, whatever, it's all politics. It's all about how you say it and how you make people feel. The message, no matter how good or how right, can get lost if the messenger can't convey it without offense and can't convince others to come over to his or her side.
I've started going to church again and I've found a true church "home." I never really understood what people meant by that until I started going to Southside Church of Christ. I'd gone to churches out of expectation, because friends went there, because I wanted to be in an awesome choir, out of convenience, but I've never been anywhere where I thought "this is where I'm meant to be." What an incredible feeling. I'm reading and studying my Bible more. I always prayed a lot but now I think maybe I'm praying even more. And I have so much to be thankful for.
I've taken up cooking and baking for recreation and we don't really eat out very much anymore. I've found that I kind of have a knack for recipe modification and I've even made up some of my own recipes. It's certainly gratifying to have people compliment your cooking and baking. It's also galling to go out to eat and spend a ton of money for what I can make at home for a fraction of the cost. Now I understand why my parents were never much on eating out.
I've been reading about and become disillusioned with the current state of cancer research and treatment. I'm no conspiracy theorist but something tells me the cause may be more widespread and the cure may be simpler than you'd think. Sadly, the research dollars go toward expensive drugs and medical procedures rather than looking at lifestyle changes which do nothing to make money for pharmaceutical and healthcare companies.
I can't believe how fast the years are going by the older I get. I remember my parents telling me time flies...now I believe it. My kids are getting so big, in just a few years Number One Son will be out of the house and Ms. Thang and BabyBoy will be in upper elementary, then junior high and high school and they'll be gone too.
Finally, I think I've nailed down some future plans. I've decided to go back to school and become a nurse practitioner and I hope someday to open a free/sliding scale clinic to serve rural southwest Missouri. It's a huge undertaking...but I feel like it's where I've been heading all along. It's what all my experiences, as a nurse and a cancer patient, having been unemployed and uninsured, have been taking me. And eventually DH and I plan to move out to the country and learn how to live "off the grid" as much as possible.
Every year there is so much change and a lot of it is stuff I'm not expecting. It makes me wonder what to expect in 2012 and what I'll be talking about a year from now. In any case, it's time to get moving and see what the day brings.
Happy New Year!!
Wow. Didn't see that one coming. It makes sense though. I have a lot of time on my hands and a lot of opinions about how things should be going. And if I thought they were headed in the right direction, I would be spending more time reading People and Facebooking and less time trying to save the world, starting with Ozark and Christian County.
I've gotten more active in PTA and I'm using what I've learned there to help with the other organizations with which I've become involved. And sadly, whether it's a non-profit, a political party, a job, church, whatever, it's all politics. It's all about how you say it and how you make people feel. The message, no matter how good or how right, can get lost if the messenger can't convey it without offense and can't convince others to come over to his or her side.
I've started going to church again and I've found a true church "home." I never really understood what people meant by that until I started going to Southside Church of Christ. I'd gone to churches out of expectation, because friends went there, because I wanted to be in an awesome choir, out of convenience, but I've never been anywhere where I thought "this is where I'm meant to be." What an incredible feeling. I'm reading and studying my Bible more. I always prayed a lot but now I think maybe I'm praying even more. And I have so much to be thankful for.
I've taken up cooking and baking for recreation and we don't really eat out very much anymore. I've found that I kind of have a knack for recipe modification and I've even made up some of my own recipes. It's certainly gratifying to have people compliment your cooking and baking. It's also galling to go out to eat and spend a ton of money for what I can make at home for a fraction of the cost. Now I understand why my parents were never much on eating out.
I've been reading about and become disillusioned with the current state of cancer research and treatment. I'm no conspiracy theorist but something tells me the cause may be more widespread and the cure may be simpler than you'd think. Sadly, the research dollars go toward expensive drugs and medical procedures rather than looking at lifestyle changes which do nothing to make money for pharmaceutical and healthcare companies.
I can't believe how fast the years are going by the older I get. I remember my parents telling me time flies...now I believe it. My kids are getting so big, in just a few years Number One Son will be out of the house and Ms. Thang and BabyBoy will be in upper elementary, then junior high and high school and they'll be gone too.
Finally, I think I've nailed down some future plans. I've decided to go back to school and become a nurse practitioner and I hope someday to open a free/sliding scale clinic to serve rural southwest Missouri. It's a huge undertaking...but I feel like it's where I've been heading all along. It's what all my experiences, as a nurse and a cancer patient, having been unemployed and uninsured, have been taking me. And eventually DH and I plan to move out to the country and learn how to live "off the grid" as much as possible.
Every year there is so much change and a lot of it is stuff I'm not expecting. It makes me wonder what to expect in 2012 and what I'll be talking about a year from now. In any case, it's time to get moving and see what the day brings.
Happy New Year!!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
I am so sick of pink!!
I gotta get something off my chest (DH is chuckling as he reads this because he's thinking of getting to second base...) I'm sick of pink. October is a reminder of what I had to go through last year (not much fun). But it is what it is, and I'm not hating on pink for that reason.
I'm hating on pink because money is just being thrown by the gobs at breast cancer awareness. And lots of people buy the pink ribbon without knowing whether their purchase is actually doing anything more than making the pink ribbon seller beaucoup money. You can't spit in a public place in October without hitting something or someone sporting a pink ribbon.
Read the fine print, assuming you can find it, on a pink ribbon product. My pink ribbon envelopes say "a portion of the profits will be donated to support breast cancer research and education." I got on their website, I found the exact same thing. How much of the profits? What kind of research and education? I'm still wondering.
Many pink ribbon products don't even claim to do anything for breast cancer, other than raise awareness. Duh. We are all aware of it now...kids are getting in trouble for wearing "I Heart Boobies" bracelets to school.
I believe consumers are well meaning and it's certainly easy to buy something you were going to buy anyway and pay a little more for a pink ribbon on it, assuming the "little more" will go to help people with breast cancer. The Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation is the most well-known breast cancer fundraising group. Did you know they spend $0.21 of every dollar raised on administrative and fundraising costs? That sounds good until you realize everyone at each of the 3 Day for the Cure events is a volunteer and the ones walking have each raised over $2000 and paid $90 plus their own transportation for the privilege of walking 60 miles. I was planning to participate in the Atlanta 3 Day for the Cure event and then I had to put off my final surgery and I wasn't able to train. In the meantime, I did more research and pondering and came to some conclusions. If I spend over $500 to raise $2000, that's pretty wasteful. And if I give it to an organization that plans to keep most of it in Atlanta, I'm not helping local women with breast cancer (not that I have anything against women with breast cancer in Atlanta!) Did you know that Susan G. Komen for the Cure also supports Planned Parenthood? Planned Parenthood does mention on their website they offer breast cancer screenings, but guess what? They don't do mammograms!! I called Planned Parenthood clinics in Columbia, Springfield and St. Louis Metro (North County) and none of them offer mammogram services. They don't even offer a free breast exam if you are low/no income. So I wonder what they are doing with the money they get from Komen for the Cure?
In defense of Planned Parenthood, the ladies who answered the phone were VERY nice and gave me phone numbers of places to try and information about programs they knew about (Show Me Healthy Women, Barnes-Jewish, and Breast Cancer Foundation of the Ozarks were suggested and they all have programs to get women free mammograms if they qualify).
I think I'm getting off subject again...
Here's the reason I'm sick of pink. I looked back at breast cancer death rates since 1975. That's 36 years, people. And guess what? The death rate is pretty flat. There was a steady rise in small and localized tumors through the 70s up to the turn of the century and now that rate has flattened out as well. (Those numbers were courtesy of mammography). Regional and distant breast cancer rates are essentially unchanged. All the money, all the awareness, all the screening...and women are basically dying at the the same rate as they were when I was born. A lot of the survivors are surviving small localized cancers that may not have spread and caused harm anyway. And women are dying of fast growing metastatic disease in spite of frequent mammograms. How many women who are doing just what they are supposed to, getting their boobs squashed yearly, getting a clear mammogram and then finding a lump 6 months later? Going through aggressive surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, only to die anyway.
Roughly the same number who were 10, 20, 30 years ago (per 100,000 population).
And how many of us have had aggressive surgery and chemotherapy for cancer that may have never caused a problem? There is no way of knowing if my cancer would have formed a lump, spread outside the chest, presented any symptoms whatsoever. Psychologically it would be impossible for me to live with a tumor inside me and wonder if it's growing. Wonder if the test next month will be the one that says we now have to do something. Wonder how long I have to live.
We've thrown BILLIONS at breast cancer. It's not changing much. WHY?
Is is because cancer is big business? How much money do drug companies make off of this incurable disease? What about new technology? I had a breast MRI after my mammogram and biopsy. Why? Theoretically it was so we could see if there was cancer in the other breast and make a decision whether to do a unilateral or bilateral mastectomy. In reality, I had already made up my mind to get both removed. And finding out I would have to get serial mammograms and breast MRIs to look for cancer in the remaining breast was enough to make me want the bilateral. I would have been hard pressed to have done either in a year, much less in 3 months. And again in 3 months. For 5 years.
But the hospital got to bill for the MRI and the radiologist got to bill for reading it. And it didn't change what we did. Had I decided to keep my right boob, they would have been billing my insurance for 10 more MRIs and 10 more mammograms. And probably for a two week vacation at the loony bin at least once or twice.
And the drugs, not just the chemo drugs but the nausea meds. OMG they were so expensive. One prescription was over $300 for 3 pills!! Yep over $100 per pill! That is MAD money! And the pharmacy was barely making anything (like $6 on the script). I don't even know how much the chemo drugs were but I'm guessing exorbitant. And the surgery. I did get a bill for that, at least the first one. $30,000 just for the hospital. Obviously my health plan didn't pay that much, but that's what was billed. Even if they only paid half...over $300/hour to be in the hospital. Wow. Steep.
Now of course, the drug companies have research expenses. They get government money and also spend their own. They have employees. The hospital has employees and plenty of patients who don't have insurance or the insurance doesn't pay as much as it cost to provide the care.
But drug companies need to have a good return on their research money. They are NOT spending money looking for a cure for cancer. If someone actually CURED cancer, what would the drug companies make money on? Well, there's still heart disease, AIDS, diabetes, lupus, fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, pain...I think they would survive. But they are not going to fund studies that will get rid of their profits. That's not good business.
And I don't expect them to. But if Merck and Walgreens are sponsoring Komen for the Cure they may stand to lose money if there was actually a cure found. I'm not saying the researchers who are being sponsored by Komen for the Cure aren't actually looking for a cure for cancer, but it does beg the question: how are researchers chosen? Is there research out there that could go on if it was only funded but big business is getting in the way?
How bad would our economy be if one of our biggest sectors, health care, was suddenly not needed because people got healthy, cancer was cured and chronic diseases were eradicated? Really, we can trace a head of lettuce from a supermarket in Chicago, IL to the field where it grew in Salinas, CA, we can build an international space station and keep it manned, we can determine what cow in what barn in Texas a T-bone served in a restaurant in New York City came from, yet we can't figure out cancer? Even if we don't cure it, at least cut the death rate? At least prevent metastasis?
Maybe we could if we didn't spend all this money painting the world pink.
I'm hating on pink because money is just being thrown by the gobs at breast cancer awareness. And lots of people buy the pink ribbon without knowing whether their purchase is actually doing anything more than making the pink ribbon seller beaucoup money. You can't spit in a public place in October without hitting something or someone sporting a pink ribbon.
Read the fine print, assuming you can find it, on a pink ribbon product. My pink ribbon envelopes say "a portion of the profits will be donated to support breast cancer research and education." I got on their website, I found the exact same thing. How much of the profits? What kind of research and education? I'm still wondering.
Many pink ribbon products don't even claim to do anything for breast cancer, other than raise awareness. Duh. We are all aware of it now...kids are getting in trouble for wearing "I Heart Boobies" bracelets to school.
I believe consumers are well meaning and it's certainly easy to buy something you were going to buy anyway and pay a little more for a pink ribbon on it, assuming the "little more" will go to help people with breast cancer. The Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation is the most well-known breast cancer fundraising group. Did you know they spend $0.21 of every dollar raised on administrative and fundraising costs? That sounds good until you realize everyone at each of the 3 Day for the Cure events is a volunteer and the ones walking have each raised over $2000 and paid $90 plus their own transportation for the privilege of walking 60 miles. I was planning to participate in the Atlanta 3 Day for the Cure event and then I had to put off my final surgery and I wasn't able to train. In the meantime, I did more research and pondering and came to some conclusions. If I spend over $500 to raise $2000, that's pretty wasteful. And if I give it to an organization that plans to keep most of it in Atlanta, I'm not helping local women with breast cancer (not that I have anything against women with breast cancer in Atlanta!) Did you know that Susan G. Komen for the Cure also supports Planned Parenthood? Planned Parenthood does mention on their website they offer breast cancer screenings, but guess what? They don't do mammograms!! I called Planned Parenthood clinics in Columbia, Springfield and St. Louis Metro (North County) and none of them offer mammogram services. They don't even offer a free breast exam if you are low/no income. So I wonder what they are doing with the money they get from Komen for the Cure?
In defense of Planned Parenthood, the ladies who answered the phone were VERY nice and gave me phone numbers of places to try and information about programs they knew about (Show Me Healthy Women, Barnes-Jewish, and Breast Cancer Foundation of the Ozarks were suggested and they all have programs to get women free mammograms if they qualify).
I think I'm getting off subject again...
Here's the reason I'm sick of pink. I looked back at breast cancer death rates since 1975. That's 36 years, people. And guess what? The death rate is pretty flat. There was a steady rise in small and localized tumors through the 70s up to the turn of the century and now that rate has flattened out as well. (Those numbers were courtesy of mammography). Regional and distant breast cancer rates are essentially unchanged. All the money, all the awareness, all the screening...and women are basically dying at the the same rate as they were when I was born. A lot of the survivors are surviving small localized cancers that may not have spread and caused harm anyway. And women are dying of fast growing metastatic disease in spite of frequent mammograms. How many women who are doing just what they are supposed to, getting their boobs squashed yearly, getting a clear mammogram and then finding a lump 6 months later? Going through aggressive surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, only to die anyway.
Roughly the same number who were 10, 20, 30 years ago (per 100,000 population).
And how many of us have had aggressive surgery and chemotherapy for cancer that may have never caused a problem? There is no way of knowing if my cancer would have formed a lump, spread outside the chest, presented any symptoms whatsoever. Psychologically it would be impossible for me to live with a tumor inside me and wonder if it's growing. Wonder if the test next month will be the one that says we now have to do something. Wonder how long I have to live.
We've thrown BILLIONS at breast cancer. It's not changing much. WHY?
Is is because cancer is big business? How much money do drug companies make off of this incurable disease? What about new technology? I had a breast MRI after my mammogram and biopsy. Why? Theoretically it was so we could see if there was cancer in the other breast and make a decision whether to do a unilateral or bilateral mastectomy. In reality, I had already made up my mind to get both removed. And finding out I would have to get serial mammograms and breast MRIs to look for cancer in the remaining breast was enough to make me want the bilateral. I would have been hard pressed to have done either in a year, much less in 3 months. And again in 3 months. For 5 years.
But the hospital got to bill for the MRI and the radiologist got to bill for reading it. And it didn't change what we did. Had I decided to keep my right boob, they would have been billing my insurance for 10 more MRIs and 10 more mammograms. And probably for a two week vacation at the loony bin at least once or twice.
And the drugs, not just the chemo drugs but the nausea meds. OMG they were so expensive. One prescription was over $300 for 3 pills!! Yep over $100 per pill! That is MAD money! And the pharmacy was barely making anything (like $6 on the script). I don't even know how much the chemo drugs were but I'm guessing exorbitant. And the surgery. I did get a bill for that, at least the first one. $30,000 just for the hospital. Obviously my health plan didn't pay that much, but that's what was billed. Even if they only paid half...over $300/hour to be in the hospital. Wow. Steep.
Now of course, the drug companies have research expenses. They get government money and also spend their own. They have employees. The hospital has employees and plenty of patients who don't have insurance or the insurance doesn't pay as much as it cost to provide the care.
But drug companies need to have a good return on their research money. They are NOT spending money looking for a cure for cancer. If someone actually CURED cancer, what would the drug companies make money on? Well, there's still heart disease, AIDS, diabetes, lupus, fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, pain...I think they would survive. But they are not going to fund studies that will get rid of their profits. That's not good business.
And I don't expect them to. But if Merck and Walgreens are sponsoring Komen for the Cure they may stand to lose money if there was actually a cure found. I'm not saying the researchers who are being sponsored by Komen for the Cure aren't actually looking for a cure for cancer, but it does beg the question: how are researchers chosen? Is there research out there that could go on if it was only funded but big business is getting in the way?
How bad would our economy be if one of our biggest sectors, health care, was suddenly not needed because people got healthy, cancer was cured and chronic diseases were eradicated? Really, we can trace a head of lettuce from a supermarket in Chicago, IL to the field where it grew in Salinas, CA, we can build an international space station and keep it manned, we can determine what cow in what barn in Texas a T-bone served in a restaurant in New York City came from, yet we can't figure out cancer? Even if we don't cure it, at least cut the death rate? At least prevent metastasis?
Maybe we could if we didn't spend all this money painting the world pink.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Lazy day...
It's almost noon and I'm still in my jammies. A couple of months ago there was nothing unusual about that but I've been doing a lot better. Not today, though. I was beat down by 5 yesterday evening and even contemplated going to bed early, but I was afraid I'd wake up at 3 am and not be able to go back to sleep. So instead I dozed off and on on the couch, falling asleep and then waking up and realizing I'd missed part of my show and rewinding (I love DVR!!) til I finally decided to go to bed. Apparently the last time I fell asleep was a good one because I didn't wake up til after 2!! Crap! Here I go again! This morning my back hurts and I'm tired and cranky. So I'm still in my jammies, playing with my cockatiel Coco and drinking coffee. And blogging (obviously).
Currently Coco is sitting on the back of the chair chewing his toes. I Googled. It's normal bird behavior.
NOS was very resistant to getting off the computer and doing his homework and going to bed last night. He apparently was also very quiet getting around this morning because I just knew he'd overslept and missed the bus. However...he didn't AND he put the trash can on the curb. Without being reminded by his mother. I'm so proud.
It's picture day for my little ones, so I made sure their clothes matched and picked a coordinating background color. School photos are getting expensive. $25 for each kid and you don't even get that many pics!! And the smallest package was still $18.
Now Coco is chewing on the wood trim around the window. I Googled again. Also normal bird behavior. Not sure if chewing is the right term, he doesn't have teeth, but beaking doesn't really sound right either.
I was reviewing my calendar and fall is going to be very busy for me!! Last outpatient surgery is coming up in a month. We've started planning our second anniversary party at the bar. Big D and I are booking bands right and left. PTA convention, school events, family get-togethers, the holidays. So much to do, so little time.
I'm feeling loathe to leave my house on a day that I don't really HAVE to when I think about all the non-lazy days I have coming up. The couple of things I had on my list for today can wait til tomorrow. That way I don't have to drive to the big city twice in two days.
See, I'm conserving energy, treehuggers.
So bring on the Nutella s'mores and a Criminal Minds marathon.
Currently Coco is sitting on the back of the chair chewing his toes. I Googled. It's normal bird behavior.
NOS was very resistant to getting off the computer and doing his homework and going to bed last night. He apparently was also very quiet getting around this morning because I just knew he'd overslept and missed the bus. However...he didn't AND he put the trash can on the curb. Without being reminded by his mother. I'm so proud.
It's picture day for my little ones, so I made sure their clothes matched and picked a coordinating background color. School photos are getting expensive. $25 for each kid and you don't even get that many pics!! And the smallest package was still $18.
Now Coco is chewing on the wood trim around the window. I Googled again. Also normal bird behavior. Not sure if chewing is the right term, he doesn't have teeth, but beaking doesn't really sound right either.
I was reviewing my calendar and fall is going to be very busy for me!! Last outpatient surgery is coming up in a month. We've started planning our second anniversary party at the bar. Big D and I are booking bands right and left. PTA convention, school events, family get-togethers, the holidays. So much to do, so little time.
I'm feeling loathe to leave my house on a day that I don't really HAVE to when I think about all the non-lazy days I have coming up. The couple of things I had on my list for today can wait til tomorrow. That way I don't have to drive to the big city twice in two days.
See, I'm conserving energy, treehuggers.
So bring on the Nutella s'mores and a Criminal Minds marathon.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I'm feeling a little verklempt...towk amongst yourselves...
Well, I had good intentions of blogging last night, but somehow the sandman caught up with me by the time I finished googling how to spell "verklempt." A google search of that word, of course, brought up the old Mike Myers Coffee Talk with Linda Richman skit from Saturday Night Live, and of course I had to watch it. Top of the list on Hulu was the one with Madonna and Roseanne where Barbra Streisand made a guest appearance. Ahhh, memories.
But verklempt I was yesterday when I walked into the 7th floor waiting room at Siteman Cancer Center. As I looked around the room while I waited to get my blood drawn, I couldn't help but remember being there for the first time last August. I was scared to death but trying not to show it. I'm glad I had my good friend Kondee's Mom and my loving DH with me. It made me wish I'd tried a little harder to get someone to come with me yesterday, but I honestly didn't think it would be anything other than routine. And it really wasn't, except inside my head and heart.
All that talk about coffee made me want some, and coffee made me want breakfast, but now I'm back.
It's been hard to blog this summer as I've gotten busier and not had much of a schedule. But with school starting Thursday, I think it's time to get back on track. I have a running to-do list a mile long, but it's torture to only do chores, so I've been trying to intersperse some fun stuff in there too. Funny how I don't have a hard time checking "get nails done" off the list, but "clean out junk rooms" (yes, there's TWO of them!) just keeps sitting there, big blank space off to the side, and all the junk keeps sitting there too. So I've made it a goal to work on the junk, 15 minutes at a time, and eventually it will be gone. As long as I resist adding to it (I can hear DH laughing as he reads this!!)
But anyway, back to my overwhelming emotions yesterday. It was such a strange mix of happy and sad, foreboding and relief. I teared up as I was waiting to get my blood drawn, but I sucked it up quickly because I realized that I really didn't want someone I don't know diving into my business, asking what's wrong, comforting me, etc. Yep, that's right, I'm finally getting back to normal!!! I looked around the room and saw people who looked sick and people who looked well. I saw suffering, bitterness, anger, despair, hope, desperation, acceptance, sadness and joy. I realized I'd been through all those feelings and so much more over the past year. In fact, in my verklempt moment, I think I experienced all of them at once, which was why I felt so full. I WAS full. And full is so, so much better than empty.
Empty. Yep that's the word I was looking for. That's what was different. I had felt empty for a few months as I was transitioning from being sick to being well. Don't get me wrong, I still had the support and love of my friends and family. I still had people calling or texting, offering help if I needed it, being gracious if I declined invitations and understanding if I left early. But still, I felt like something was missing. I know my doctor saw it too, which is why she offered to refer me to the psychologist at Siteman when I saw her back in March. I figured a head shrinker 200 miles out of the way probably wasn't going to be helpful, so I started seeing someone locally about 4 months ago.
I was surprised, initially, that anyone could possibly think I needed some mental help after the events of the last year. After all, I was coping, wasn't I? I was getting out of bed every day, brushing my teeth, eating, cleaning up after the kids, going to PTA meetings, doing stuff for the bar, etc. I was getting back to normal life. Except I wasn't.
In reality I was burying my feelings, unless they were happy ones. And they should be happy ones, right? After all, I have so much to be thankful for! I'm done with cancer treatments, my kids are healthy, my DH has a good job, the bar business is growing, I'm losing weight, I have a dependable car and a roof over my head. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
But I still felt empty. If I was an evangelical, this is where I would inject that I needed Jesus to fill me up. I'm a Christian, so I know it wasn't God or Jesus I was missing. In fact, I've felt closer to God over the past year because of all the troubles I've had. I've felt like Job at times, although he had it WAY worse than me.
Empty. All this good, all this light, but empty. Why oh why when I lay my head on the pillow at night could I not turn my brain off and go to sleep?? Why oh why would I fall asleep watching TV or reading and then crawl in bed and it's like I just drank a venti red eye?? What was wrong with me?
Dr. E has finally helped me put my finger on it. Talking to her every couple of weeks for an hour has helped me discover what the problem is, why I should be happy and can't, why in the past I should have been sad and wasn't. Cyclothymic disorder. It's like a mild form of bipolar disorder. As a matter of fact, what clued me in was the article in People back in April about Catherine Zeta-Jones struggle with bipolar disorder. After I read the article, it was like the pieces of the puzzle finally started to fit.
I talked to DH and he read up on it a little and agreed the symptoms seemed to align with my behavior. I mentioned it to Dr. E and we explored the possibility that I was bipolar as opposed to dysthymic (like a mild form of depression). In the end, since my up moods were not extreme (no $10K spending sprees or gambling weekends), she settled on cyclothymic disorder for a diagnosis.
Diagnosis. A label. Some people would find having a diagnosed mental illness to be disturbing, shameful, embarrassing. I find it...relieving. Yes, there really is something wrong with me! (Pipe down over there, peanut gallery!) That doesn't mean I'm GLAD there's something wrong and I'm not going to use it as an excuse for bad behavior, but to know that there is something a little off in my brain that causes my mood to cycle up and down, well, it helps. If I'm aware of it, I can have some control over it. I've been working with Dr. E on ways to recognize my mood is going one way or the other and strategies to control it.
Yep. That's right. I said control. Dealing with a mental disorder is all about control. I can't control my brain chemicals, but I can control my behavior. I can exercise, I can have a routine, I can have a bedtime, I can limit alcohol, I can take a sleeping pill when I need it. I can recognize when I'm cycling up or down and not feed into the behaviors that go along with the up and down.
No more dragging out my entire closet onto my bed because I have to clean out my closet today. No more procrastination, which is an off-shoot of perfectionism. No more perfectionism, for that matter.
I wish I could figure out exactly what clicked yesterday. What made me realize my gauge had moved from empty to full? I'm looking around my house, and I'm still seeing my little fires that need to be put out. I'm going over my "to-do" list and there are still things that need to be done. That list will never be empty. Maybe that's what it is. The understanding that I will never get it all done, and it will never be perfect. But I can still get a lot of it done, and I can do my best. Not perfect.
Just...me.
But verklempt I was yesterday when I walked into the 7th floor waiting room at Siteman Cancer Center. As I looked around the room while I waited to get my blood drawn, I couldn't help but remember being there for the first time last August. I was scared to death but trying not to show it. I'm glad I had my good friend Kondee's Mom and my loving DH with me. It made me wish I'd tried a little harder to get someone to come with me yesterday, but I honestly didn't think it would be anything other than routine. And it really wasn't, except inside my head and heart.
All that talk about coffee made me want some, and coffee made me want breakfast, but now I'm back.
It's been hard to blog this summer as I've gotten busier and not had much of a schedule. But with school starting Thursday, I think it's time to get back on track. I have a running to-do list a mile long, but it's torture to only do chores, so I've been trying to intersperse some fun stuff in there too. Funny how I don't have a hard time checking "get nails done" off the list, but "clean out junk rooms" (yes, there's TWO of them!) just keeps sitting there, big blank space off to the side, and all the junk keeps sitting there too. So I've made it a goal to work on the junk, 15 minutes at a time, and eventually it will be gone. As long as I resist adding to it (I can hear DH laughing as he reads this!!)
But anyway, back to my overwhelming emotions yesterday. It was such a strange mix of happy and sad, foreboding and relief. I teared up as I was waiting to get my blood drawn, but I sucked it up quickly because I realized that I really didn't want someone I don't know diving into my business, asking what's wrong, comforting me, etc. Yep, that's right, I'm finally getting back to normal!!! I looked around the room and saw people who looked sick and people who looked well. I saw suffering, bitterness, anger, despair, hope, desperation, acceptance, sadness and joy. I realized I'd been through all those feelings and so much more over the past year. In fact, in my verklempt moment, I think I experienced all of them at once, which was why I felt so full. I WAS full. And full is so, so much better than empty.
Empty. Yep that's the word I was looking for. That's what was different. I had felt empty for a few months as I was transitioning from being sick to being well. Don't get me wrong, I still had the support and love of my friends and family. I still had people calling or texting, offering help if I needed it, being gracious if I declined invitations and understanding if I left early. But still, I felt like something was missing. I know my doctor saw it too, which is why she offered to refer me to the psychologist at Siteman when I saw her back in March. I figured a head shrinker 200 miles out of the way probably wasn't going to be helpful, so I started seeing someone locally about 4 months ago.
I was surprised, initially, that anyone could possibly think I needed some mental help after the events of the last year. After all, I was coping, wasn't I? I was getting out of bed every day, brushing my teeth, eating, cleaning up after the kids, going to PTA meetings, doing stuff for the bar, etc. I was getting back to normal life. Except I wasn't.
In reality I was burying my feelings, unless they were happy ones. And they should be happy ones, right? After all, I have so much to be thankful for! I'm done with cancer treatments, my kids are healthy, my DH has a good job, the bar business is growing, I'm losing weight, I have a dependable car and a roof over my head. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.
But I still felt empty. If I was an evangelical, this is where I would inject that I needed Jesus to fill me up. I'm a Christian, so I know it wasn't God or Jesus I was missing. In fact, I've felt closer to God over the past year because of all the troubles I've had. I've felt like Job at times, although he had it WAY worse than me.
Empty. All this good, all this light, but empty. Why oh why when I lay my head on the pillow at night could I not turn my brain off and go to sleep?? Why oh why would I fall asleep watching TV or reading and then crawl in bed and it's like I just drank a venti red eye?? What was wrong with me?
Dr. E has finally helped me put my finger on it. Talking to her every couple of weeks for an hour has helped me discover what the problem is, why I should be happy and can't, why in the past I should have been sad and wasn't. Cyclothymic disorder. It's like a mild form of bipolar disorder. As a matter of fact, what clued me in was the article in People back in April about Catherine Zeta-Jones struggle with bipolar disorder. After I read the article, it was like the pieces of the puzzle finally started to fit.
I talked to DH and he read up on it a little and agreed the symptoms seemed to align with my behavior. I mentioned it to Dr. E and we explored the possibility that I was bipolar as opposed to dysthymic (like a mild form of depression). In the end, since my up moods were not extreme (no $10K spending sprees or gambling weekends), she settled on cyclothymic disorder for a diagnosis.
Diagnosis. A label. Some people would find having a diagnosed mental illness to be disturbing, shameful, embarrassing. I find it...relieving. Yes, there really is something wrong with me! (Pipe down over there, peanut gallery!) That doesn't mean I'm GLAD there's something wrong and I'm not going to use it as an excuse for bad behavior, but to know that there is something a little off in my brain that causes my mood to cycle up and down, well, it helps. If I'm aware of it, I can have some control over it. I've been working with Dr. E on ways to recognize my mood is going one way or the other and strategies to control it.
Yep. That's right. I said control. Dealing with a mental disorder is all about control. I can't control my brain chemicals, but I can control my behavior. I can exercise, I can have a routine, I can have a bedtime, I can limit alcohol, I can take a sleeping pill when I need it. I can recognize when I'm cycling up or down and not feed into the behaviors that go along with the up and down.
No more dragging out my entire closet onto my bed because I have to clean out my closet today. No more procrastination, which is an off-shoot of perfectionism. No more perfectionism, for that matter.
I wish I could figure out exactly what clicked yesterday. What made me realize my gauge had moved from empty to full? I'm looking around my house, and I'm still seeing my little fires that need to be put out. I'm going over my "to-do" list and there are still things that need to be done. That list will never be empty. Maybe that's what it is. The understanding that I will never get it all done, and it will never be perfect. But I can still get a lot of it done, and I can do my best. Not perfect.
Just...me.
Friday, June 24, 2011
I'm still here!! Really!
I've not fallen off the face of the earth, just took a little break. The kiddos are out of school and I've taken on a few more responsibilities at the bar, so it's a little difficult to blog. Plus NOS has become obsessed with some game on the internet and it's getting harder and harder to wrestle the computer away from him. He's getting big!! But I swear, I will be catching everyone up soon! Promise ;-)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Hurtful words and deeds
The past couple of days have been, well, just awful. I won't go into details, but let's just say DH and I have been tusslin like two cornfed farm boys over Mama's last biscuit. I think maybe, just maybe, we have finally buried the hatchet, and of course, something good has come out of the whole situation.
I came to realize I didn't really have my priorities in the right order. I am currently taking a break from Facebook and Twitter so maybe I can get back on track (although, when I post links I will have to get on there, but I won't look, Ma, I promise!!) This week I have unintentionally hurt people I really love and I don't have a good reason. But upon examining my actions, I realized I've got a lot of anger that I haven't dealt with. Now what on earth could I possibly be angry about? Haha, glad you asked. I'm angry because I feel like I've been let down by people who love me. But what have I done about it? I've suppressed it, pushed it way down, compressed it to the point that if it was a lump of coal it would be a diamond. I've ignored it to the point that I've done hurtful things to a couple of people, I think, subconsciously wanting to hurt them like they've hurt me.
I spent a couple of hours yesterday afternoon crying on the shoulder of my good friend BeBe and once I got it all out, she told me what she thought...that I've been depressed, probably because I have been through a lot the past year and haven't really dealt with it. And it's true. Yeah, I've blogged, but I often concentrate on the funny stuff or just putting info out there without really getting into my true feelings.
I don't blame the people who I felt have let me down. I think everyone gives exactly as much as they can when they can, and if that doesn't live up to my expectations, and I don't let them know, then it is my fault, not theirs. So I guess a lot of my anger comes back to myself. I'm angry that I haven't been able to express my needs and wants. I'm angry because I have felt like I can't burden anyone with my problems. I feel like I have "given it to God" so many times, and it helps for awhile, but sometimes I need a little feedback. I need someone else to say "I've got this," without it sounding like I'm a huge inconvenience to them. Maybe God has given me feedback and I've not been listening.
I'm angry with BFF because I feel like she started avoiding me after I got diagnosed. But you know what? I've never said a word. If I can't even talk to her and tell her how I feel, how good of friends are we? Instead, I blew her off and went out with other friends. I justified it to myself because I figured she wouldn't really miss me. I miscalculated badly. But I think, deep down, I just wanted to hurt her like she's hurt me. Or how I think she's hurt me. Because here's the thing...I've never once acted like I've had a problem. I've just smiled and gone on. I should not have done that. I should have said, hey, are you avoiding me? But I didn't want to upset her, Lord knows she's also had a lot going on in the past year. The last thing someone who is spread too thin needs is someone trying to get more attention.
I'm angry with DH too, because he's not been physically here with me through a lot of my illness. Again, not his fault. I've never said, can you please talk to your boss and see if you can take a few days off. When he flew in last month I wanted us to just spend his two days in St. Louis, just me and him. But I didn't say anything. Even if he hadn't have wanted to, I should have at least said that I wanted to.
So today, I plan to start rectifying the situation. I'm going to talk to BFF and DH, share how I feel, and listen to how they feel too. They are angry with me and have every right to be. But if we don't talk to each other and work it out, if we just keep burying our problems deeper and deeper, they are not going to resolve, they will only get worse. And eventually they will rear their ugly heads and make a minor thing turn into a big explosion. And I don't want that.
I came to realize I didn't really have my priorities in the right order. I am currently taking a break from Facebook and Twitter so maybe I can get back on track (although, when I post links I will have to get on there, but I won't look, Ma, I promise!!) This week I have unintentionally hurt people I really love and I don't have a good reason. But upon examining my actions, I realized I've got a lot of anger that I haven't dealt with. Now what on earth could I possibly be angry about? Haha, glad you asked. I'm angry because I feel like I've been let down by people who love me. But what have I done about it? I've suppressed it, pushed it way down, compressed it to the point that if it was a lump of coal it would be a diamond. I've ignored it to the point that I've done hurtful things to a couple of people, I think, subconsciously wanting to hurt them like they've hurt me.
I spent a couple of hours yesterday afternoon crying on the shoulder of my good friend BeBe and once I got it all out, she told me what she thought...that I've been depressed, probably because I have been through a lot the past year and haven't really dealt with it. And it's true. Yeah, I've blogged, but I often concentrate on the funny stuff or just putting info out there without really getting into my true feelings.
I don't blame the people who I felt have let me down. I think everyone gives exactly as much as they can when they can, and if that doesn't live up to my expectations, and I don't let them know, then it is my fault, not theirs. So I guess a lot of my anger comes back to myself. I'm angry that I haven't been able to express my needs and wants. I'm angry because I have felt like I can't burden anyone with my problems. I feel like I have "given it to God" so many times, and it helps for awhile, but sometimes I need a little feedback. I need someone else to say "I've got this," without it sounding like I'm a huge inconvenience to them. Maybe God has given me feedback and I've not been listening.
I'm angry with BFF because I feel like she started avoiding me after I got diagnosed. But you know what? I've never said a word. If I can't even talk to her and tell her how I feel, how good of friends are we? Instead, I blew her off and went out with other friends. I justified it to myself because I figured she wouldn't really miss me. I miscalculated badly. But I think, deep down, I just wanted to hurt her like she's hurt me. Or how I think she's hurt me. Because here's the thing...I've never once acted like I've had a problem. I've just smiled and gone on. I should not have done that. I should have said, hey, are you avoiding me? But I didn't want to upset her, Lord knows she's also had a lot going on in the past year. The last thing someone who is spread too thin needs is someone trying to get more attention.
I'm angry with DH too, because he's not been physically here with me through a lot of my illness. Again, not his fault. I've never said, can you please talk to your boss and see if you can take a few days off. When he flew in last month I wanted us to just spend his two days in St. Louis, just me and him. But I didn't say anything. Even if he hadn't have wanted to, I should have at least said that I wanted to.
So today, I plan to start rectifying the situation. I'm going to talk to BFF and DH, share how I feel, and listen to how they feel too. They are angry with me and have every right to be. But if we don't talk to each other and work it out, if we just keep burying our problems deeper and deeper, they are not going to resolve, they will only get worse. And eventually they will rear their ugly heads and make a minor thing turn into a big explosion. And I don't want that.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Rant!
Note: This is strictly my opinion. If you post things on Facebook that annoy the crap out of me on a regular basis, I don't defriend you unless I really don't know you or don't like you. I just take you off my NewsFeed so I don't have to be annoyed. And I know I've done some of these things before too.
I have profiles on both Twitter and Facebook and I use them very differently. I have gotten dinged on more than one occasion for griping about a person in my Facebook status, of course without saying who I'm talking about but giving enough information that they can figure it out. Or thinking I'm being clever and then someone thinks I'm talking about them and I'm really not. Twitter is much more anonymous...most of my Twitter followers do not know me personally, although I've actually made some friends of my followers. Kind of interesting how posting random crap and following a genre of music's bands and blogs can bring you to people you have something in common with. Probably more in common with than people you went to high school or college with. (That was sarcasm. If I'm friends with someone on Facebook, it's because I know them and like them. I think.)
Anyway, today's rant is about my social media time-wasters, as DH calls them, and how things people post on them annoy the crap out of me.
1. The copy and paste status, version 1. Whether it's sons' week, daughters' week, hairdressers' cousins' week, retarded Chihuahuas' (wait, is that an oxymoron?) week, at least 5 times a week someone is copying and pasting some BS status, probably because they think their son, daughter, hairdresser's cousin or retarded Chihuahua will be offended if they don't. I figure how you feel about any of these people at any given time is your business, and if you wanna share how you feel about them, you can tell them anytime, in a variety of ways...in person, via text message, in an e-mail, by skywriter or smoke signal. You can even send them a Hallmark card, but only if you care enough to send the very best. Most of us (OK, maybe I'm the only one) aren't that interested. I joined Facebook to share how awesome my life is, how incredibly smart and beautiful my kids are, how enormously successful I have been, and how I've put on about 50 pounds since high school. Plus the occasional pithy comment. And it's that kind of information I'm expecting to see when I creep on other people's profiles and read their status updates.
2. The copy and paste status, version 2. This one is a little more innocuous and I've been sucked in on more than one occasion. Usually it's a disease (cancer is a favorite) or perhaps a special needs group (special education week is quite common), but it's always something that you'd just have to be a supreme a-hole to not support. I mean, come on, who DOESN'T want a cure for diabetes? Who's gonna admit they stare at people who have 3 eyes? But guess what? Just because you don't copy and paste whatever crap it is this week in your status update doesn't mean you're against it! It just means you're against copying and pasting crap in your status update.
3. The raising awareness by...changing your picture to your favorite dog breed, putting your shoe size in your status, or whatever. I can't even think of anything right now. How does making Captain Cavemen my profile pic keep some dude in Alpena from beating his kid? Or putting my bra color in my status raise breast cancer awareness? What does "raising awareness" even mean anyway? I think we are all aware of the existence of cancer, autism, PETA and unemployed middle-aged actresses. The big question is, what are we going to do about it? I'm not sure Facebook is the best forum. Or I dunno, maybe it is. Maybe if we are aware of a disease we can cure it. Screw research, medicine and funding. And just because I don't jump on board doesn't mean I don't care.
4. The online petition. These have changed over the years, remember the ones that were chain e-mails that you typed your name at the bottom and then forwarded it to everyone in your inbox? Now you go to a website and it's supposed to go to where it says it will, unlike the e-mail ones that I often wondered what happened to them. My problem with petitions? You don't get an objective view of the issue, only the side the petiton-monger wants you to hear. My latest example and the subject that sent me over the edge is the petition on asking people to show their support for HB 669, a bill that would require doctors to inform breast cancer patients of all of their options before they undergo surgery. Now let me get this straight, there are women going into breast surgery who don't know what they are having done? Or they don't know there are a couple of different kinds of surgery, either of which may be appropriate, and they can have reconstruction? Are you freaking kidding me? What is the first thing nearly anyone is going to do when they get a devastating (or even minor) diagnosis? Do a little research! For heaven's sake, when I got the news given to me, they gave me handouts right then about breast cancer! Now I realize I have a healthcare background but come on, really, unless you can't read, there is no excuse for not looking into your treatment prior to getting your treatment! I visited two surgeons prior to my surgery and based on my mammogram and MRI, they both recommended the same treatment. They both mentioned lumpectomy and mastectomy and explained why a lumpectomy probably wouldn't work (since there was no LUMP!!) and told me about reconstruction options, even though a plastic surgeon would be the one doing it. For some reason I don't think my doctors were atypical. Really, the government is going to shut down in a week because there's no budget and we're fighting THREE wars but we need to pass a law making sure doctors...doctor???
And finally...
5. Being dirty for the sake of being dirty. I'm pretty "live and let live" but geez, I don't wanna read Tweets or status updates about any of your bodily functions or who you want to have sex with! Just because it pops into your head doesn't mean you have to share it.
One of these days I'm gonna get back to finishing my story...maybe tomorrow!
I have profiles on both Twitter and Facebook and I use them very differently. I have gotten dinged on more than one occasion for griping about a person in my Facebook status, of course without saying who I'm talking about but giving enough information that they can figure it out. Or thinking I'm being clever and then someone thinks I'm talking about them and I'm really not. Twitter is much more anonymous...most of my Twitter followers do not know me personally, although I've actually made some friends of my followers. Kind of interesting how posting random crap and following a genre of music's bands and blogs can bring you to people you have something in common with. Probably more in common with than people you went to high school or college with. (That was sarcasm. If I'm friends with someone on Facebook, it's because I know them and like them. I think.)
Anyway, today's rant is about my social media time-wasters, as DH calls them, and how things people post on them annoy the crap out of me.
1. The copy and paste status, version 1. Whether it's sons' week, daughters' week, hairdressers' cousins' week, retarded Chihuahuas' (wait, is that an oxymoron?) week, at least 5 times a week someone is copying and pasting some BS status, probably because they think their son, daughter, hairdresser's cousin or retarded Chihuahua will be offended if they don't. I figure how you feel about any of these people at any given time is your business, and if you wanna share how you feel about them, you can tell them anytime, in a variety of ways...in person, via text message, in an e-mail, by skywriter or smoke signal. You can even send them a Hallmark card, but only if you care enough to send the very best. Most of us (OK, maybe I'm the only one) aren't that interested. I joined Facebook to share how awesome my life is, how incredibly smart and beautiful my kids are, how enormously successful I have been, and how I've put on about 50 pounds since high school. Plus the occasional pithy comment. And it's that kind of information I'm expecting to see when I creep on other people's profiles and read their status updates.
2. The copy and paste status, version 2. This one is a little more innocuous and I've been sucked in on more than one occasion. Usually it's a disease (cancer is a favorite) or perhaps a special needs group (special education week is quite common), but it's always something that you'd just have to be a supreme a-hole to not support. I mean, come on, who DOESN'T want a cure for diabetes? Who's gonna admit they stare at people who have 3 eyes? But guess what? Just because you don't copy and paste whatever crap it is this week in your status update doesn't mean you're against it! It just means you're against copying and pasting crap in your status update.
3. The raising awareness by...changing your picture to your favorite dog breed, putting your shoe size in your status, or whatever. I can't even think of anything right now. How does making Captain Cavemen my profile pic keep some dude in Alpena from beating his kid? Or putting my bra color in my status raise breast cancer awareness? What does "raising awareness" even mean anyway? I think we are all aware of the existence of cancer, autism, PETA and unemployed middle-aged actresses. The big question is, what are we going to do about it? I'm not sure Facebook is the best forum. Or I dunno, maybe it is. Maybe if we are aware of a disease we can cure it. Screw research, medicine and funding. And just because I don't jump on board doesn't mean I don't care.
4. The online petition. These have changed over the years, remember the ones that were chain e-mails that you typed your name at the bottom and then forwarded it to everyone in your inbox? Now you go to a website and it's supposed to go to where it says it will, unlike the e-mail ones that I often wondered what happened to them. My problem with petitions? You don't get an objective view of the issue, only the side the petiton-monger wants you to hear. My latest example and the subject that sent me over the edge is the petition on asking people to show their support for HB 669, a bill that would require doctors to inform breast cancer patients of all of their options before they undergo surgery. Now let me get this straight, there are women going into breast surgery who don't know what they are having done? Or they don't know there are a couple of different kinds of surgery, either of which may be appropriate, and they can have reconstruction? Are you freaking kidding me? What is the first thing nearly anyone is going to do when they get a devastating (or even minor) diagnosis? Do a little research! For heaven's sake, when I got the news given to me, they gave me handouts right then about breast cancer! Now I realize I have a healthcare background but come on, really, unless you can't read, there is no excuse for not looking into your treatment prior to getting your treatment! I visited two surgeons prior to my surgery and based on my mammogram and MRI, they both recommended the same treatment. They both mentioned lumpectomy and mastectomy and explained why a lumpectomy probably wouldn't work (since there was no LUMP!!) and told me about reconstruction options, even though a plastic surgeon would be the one doing it. For some reason I don't think my doctors were atypical. Really, the government is going to shut down in a week because there's no budget and we're fighting THREE wars but we need to pass a law making sure doctors...doctor???
And finally...
5. Being dirty for the sake of being dirty. I'm pretty "live and let live" but geez, I don't wanna read Tweets or status updates about any of your bodily functions or who you want to have sex with! Just because it pops into your head doesn't mean you have to share it.
One of these days I'm gonna get back to finishing my story...maybe tomorrow!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Me and my big ol' mouth, health update, St. Paddy's
You'd think in 37 years I'd learn when to keep my mouth shut. Well, I kind of have, except when it comes to my Facebook. Sometimes when I'm aggravated about something I spout off on Facebook, not thinking that there are over 500 people who may see it and read something into it. Or figure I'm talking about them. I really gotta learn to Tweet my annoyance rather than Facebook it. Or maybe I should just keep it to myself.
My appointments at Siteman went well last week. I see my oncologist again in three months, my plastic surgeon again in six weeks and my breast surgeon in a year. All my labs were back to normal, my weight was pretty stable, my incisions from my implants looked good, my bone density was within normal limits, and Dr. M (breast surgeon) told me how to find a recurrence. Thank God, because I've been wondering about that for six months and never thought to ask.
So how does a woman who's had a bilateral mastectomy determine if her breast cancer has recurred? Well, the implants are under the pectoralis muscle, so if the cancer comes back, it will be a lump on my breast. So I still am supposed to do monthly breast exams! And if there's distant metastasis, well, you find that the same way you'd find it otherwise.
Pinup Barber and I had a lot of fun in St. Louis. We had awesome bar food for lunch (reubens, curly fries and bleu cheese chips...sinful!!) and sushi for dinner. For dessert, cosmopolitans (Pinup Barber), Smithwick's (me) and a couple of Purple Hooters (which we had never heard of before, but they were good). All the drinks were consumed at the bar adjacent to the hotel so we didn't have to worry about driving. Pinup Barber prank called her husband after we got back to the room. It was pretty funny. At least I thought so. I guess we were cold when we got back so we turned on the heat, but I woke up at like three AM and I swear it was 80 degrees in there! So I turned on the air and it was much more like it. I think we've both gotten used to husbands who freeze us out.
We found the coolest little store Tuesday and we both bought a ton of clothes, shoes and jewelry. They had their boots on clearance and we both got cute new boots. I also got some ridiculous 5 inch platform wedges. I've worn them once and fell down twice before I left the house, but managed to stay upright in public. I should probably only wear them when I'm the designated driver though. I also expanded my large earring collection. With hair as short as mine, I've gotta make sure it's obvious which team I play for.
I got a sweet surprise Wednesday...DH got to come home for about a day and a half! He texted me and asked me to look for a cheap flight when I got home, but by the time I got home to look for one he had already booked it and e-mailed me his itinerary. He flew into St. Louis...three hour drive up to get him but totally worth it :-) And he did drive most of the way back home.
I was so glad he made it home for St. Paddy's so we could wear our matching kilts. Well, kind of matching...when girls wear kilts they are supposed to fall below the knee and mens' are supposed to be at or slightly above the knee. Besides the matching vintage Captain America motorcycle helmets, we are not a matchy-matchy couple. I honestly even try not to wear our bar shirts at the same time he does unless we are representing. But we do make a few exceptions. I fished out my new Guinness shirt and a green belt just in case someone didn't notice our bar name embroidered in green on my kilt. I couldn't find my shamrock knee socks so I just wore flip flops...now that's quite a statement huh?
For St. Paddy's we got matching tattoos!! Yep we went with our best friends and we all got a little four-leaf clover. And it looks like I'll be wearing flip-flops a lot for the next couple of weeks since I got mine on my left foot! Everyone else got theirs incorporated into their sleeves, but I don't have a sleeve. Probably never will either...not sure I could get away with that as a nurse. And I'm so hot-natured since I've been in my chemically induced menopause that I'd die if I had to wear a long-sleeve shirt under my scrubs to cover my tattoos. So I'll stick with tattooing areas that are hidden by business casual...
Our St. Paddy's party was an absolute blast. The bar was packed and everyone raved about C's corned beef and cabbage and potatoes. She corned the beef herself instead of using pre-made corned beef. I think it was all gone before the second band even started and I'll bet less than half the people there ate. The bands were incredible and the turnout was just awesome. Thank goodness the weather cooperated. Since St. Paddy's was on Thursday and our bike nights are on Thursdays, we went ahead and kicked off the bike night season! And I believe we had one of our best nights ever!!
It was fun hanging out with everyone, but with DH home I just wanted to keep him to myself. Once I was able to hand off the food donation stuff to someone else, I hunted him down and tried my best to stay stuck to him for the rest of the night. I almost wish we would have just stayed in St. Louis in a hotel and I could have had him all to myself!! But that wouldn't have been fair to the kids or our friends...they all miss him too when he's gone.
The little ones went with me to take DH to the airport to go back to work. After four hours in the car, I knew they needed a break, so we did a little shopping. Springfield has lots of good places to shop, so when I shop in St. Louis I try to go to places we don't have here. We went to Trader Joe's, a beauty supply store, and World Market. I picked up a few cool things and got a new wine to try from Trader Joe's and some new coffee and funny birthday cards at World Market. I also got some good bedroom ideas from World Market, although I don't thing they sell what I want but I can probably get it made by a friend who builds furniture.
Before we hit the road, we hit Romano's Macaroni Grill. It's been awhile since I've eaten at one. I think the last time was during a PTA convention. Oh my goodness it was so good!! BabyBoy loved the bread dipped in olive oil and pepper. Ms. Thang didn't like it though. I really missed DH being there though. It made me remember when we used to drive to Tulsa just for dinner and to wander around the mall for an hour or so. Or that record store and head shop. I wish I could remember the name of that place. Anyway, when we ate at Macaroni Grill in Tulsa, they had a waitress or hostess or something that sang opera arias during dinner. It was amazing...both the food and the singing. Neither of us are big opera fans but we were blown away by that girl's voice. The kids got a kick out of drawing on the butcher paper on the table. I paid with cash and the waiter accidentally gave me back $5 too much in change. When I realized it, I added it to his tip, but I didn't want him to think I'd left him a huge tip so I left him a note about the change too. I'm glad I noticed, I would have felt bad if I'd figured it out later.
I got a call about another study that I think I'm going to enroll in. This will make four now! But I think this one will be beneficial to both me and research. It's a study about diet and exercise modification and weight loss for breast cancer survivors. They are looking at recurrence rates. I am just overweight enough to qualify. I go in a couple of weeks for my initial labs, measurements and a fitness test. LOL I'm gonna be in trouble! But I can't start losing yet or I won't qualify for the study when I go for my appointment.
My Twitter buddies are meeting up tonight in Gruene, TX and I'm so jealous! I wanna go! I guess I will have to catch up with them next time. I'm not a huge Roger Creager fan so I can't see driving that far to see him...I'm not sure I'd cross the street! OK I probably would cross the street, but only if it wasn't busy. And if they were serving Shiner.
Hmmm, well, what else is there? I can't believe the kids' spring break is already over. I was hoping we could get out of town but I guess that's going to have to wait till school is out. I really need DH to work somewhere with a beach...
Alright, that's it, I'm beyond sleepy and going to bed!!
My appointments at Siteman went well last week. I see my oncologist again in three months, my plastic surgeon again in six weeks and my breast surgeon in a year. All my labs were back to normal, my weight was pretty stable, my incisions from my implants looked good, my bone density was within normal limits, and Dr. M (breast surgeon) told me how to find a recurrence. Thank God, because I've been wondering about that for six months and never thought to ask.
So how does a woman who's had a bilateral mastectomy determine if her breast cancer has recurred? Well, the implants are under the pectoralis muscle, so if the cancer comes back, it will be a lump on my breast. So I still am supposed to do monthly breast exams! And if there's distant metastasis, well, you find that the same way you'd find it otherwise.
Pinup Barber and I had a lot of fun in St. Louis. We had awesome bar food for lunch (reubens, curly fries and bleu cheese chips...sinful!!) and sushi for dinner. For dessert, cosmopolitans (Pinup Barber), Smithwick's (me) and a couple of Purple Hooters (which we had never heard of before, but they were good). All the drinks were consumed at the bar adjacent to the hotel so we didn't have to worry about driving. Pinup Barber prank called her husband after we got back to the room. It was pretty funny. At least I thought so. I guess we were cold when we got back so we turned on the heat, but I woke up at like three AM and I swear it was 80 degrees in there! So I turned on the air and it was much more like it. I think we've both gotten used to husbands who freeze us out.
We found the coolest little store Tuesday and we both bought a ton of clothes, shoes and jewelry. They had their boots on clearance and we both got cute new boots. I also got some ridiculous 5 inch platform wedges. I've worn them once and fell down twice before I left the house, but managed to stay upright in public. I should probably only wear them when I'm the designated driver though. I also expanded my large earring collection. With hair as short as mine, I've gotta make sure it's obvious which team I play for.
I got a sweet surprise Wednesday...DH got to come home for about a day and a half! He texted me and asked me to look for a cheap flight when I got home, but by the time I got home to look for one he had already booked it and e-mailed me his itinerary. He flew into St. Louis...three hour drive up to get him but totally worth it :-) And he did drive most of the way back home.
I was so glad he made it home for St. Paddy's so we could wear our matching kilts. Well, kind of matching...when girls wear kilts they are supposed to fall below the knee and mens' are supposed to be at or slightly above the knee. Besides the matching vintage Captain America motorcycle helmets, we are not a matchy-matchy couple. I honestly even try not to wear our bar shirts at the same time he does unless we are representing. But we do make a few exceptions. I fished out my new Guinness shirt and a green belt just in case someone didn't notice our bar name embroidered in green on my kilt. I couldn't find my shamrock knee socks so I just wore flip flops...now that's quite a statement huh?
For St. Paddy's we got matching tattoos!! Yep we went with our best friends and we all got a little four-leaf clover. And it looks like I'll be wearing flip-flops a lot for the next couple of weeks since I got mine on my left foot! Everyone else got theirs incorporated into their sleeves, but I don't have a sleeve. Probably never will either...not sure I could get away with that as a nurse. And I'm so hot-natured since I've been in my chemically induced menopause that I'd die if I had to wear a long-sleeve shirt under my scrubs to cover my tattoos. So I'll stick with tattooing areas that are hidden by business casual...
Our St. Paddy's party was an absolute blast. The bar was packed and everyone raved about C's corned beef and cabbage and potatoes. She corned the beef herself instead of using pre-made corned beef. I think it was all gone before the second band even started and I'll bet less than half the people there ate. The bands were incredible and the turnout was just awesome. Thank goodness the weather cooperated. Since St. Paddy's was on Thursday and our bike nights are on Thursdays, we went ahead and kicked off the bike night season! And I believe we had one of our best nights ever!!
It was fun hanging out with everyone, but with DH home I just wanted to keep him to myself. Once I was able to hand off the food donation stuff to someone else, I hunted him down and tried my best to stay stuck to him for the rest of the night. I almost wish we would have just stayed in St. Louis in a hotel and I could have had him all to myself!! But that wouldn't have been fair to the kids or our friends...they all miss him too when he's gone.
The little ones went with me to take DH to the airport to go back to work. After four hours in the car, I knew they needed a break, so we did a little shopping. Springfield has lots of good places to shop, so when I shop in St. Louis I try to go to places we don't have here. We went to Trader Joe's, a beauty supply store, and World Market. I picked up a few cool things and got a new wine to try from Trader Joe's and some new coffee and funny birthday cards at World Market. I also got some good bedroom ideas from World Market, although I don't thing they sell what I want but I can probably get it made by a friend who builds furniture.
Before we hit the road, we hit Romano's Macaroni Grill. It's been awhile since I've eaten at one. I think the last time was during a PTA convention. Oh my goodness it was so good!! BabyBoy loved the bread dipped in olive oil and pepper. Ms. Thang didn't like it though. I really missed DH being there though. It made me remember when we used to drive to Tulsa just for dinner and to wander around the mall for an hour or so. Or that record store and head shop. I wish I could remember the name of that place. Anyway, when we ate at Macaroni Grill in Tulsa, they had a waitress or hostess or something that sang opera arias during dinner. It was amazing...both the food and the singing. Neither of us are big opera fans but we were blown away by that girl's voice. The kids got a kick out of drawing on the butcher paper on the table. I paid with cash and the waiter accidentally gave me back $5 too much in change. When I realized it, I added it to his tip, but I didn't want him to think I'd left him a huge tip so I left him a note about the change too. I'm glad I noticed, I would have felt bad if I'd figured it out later.
I got a call about another study that I think I'm going to enroll in. This will make four now! But I think this one will be beneficial to both me and research. It's a study about diet and exercise modification and weight loss for breast cancer survivors. They are looking at recurrence rates. I am just overweight enough to qualify. I go in a couple of weeks for my initial labs, measurements and a fitness test. LOL I'm gonna be in trouble! But I can't start losing yet or I won't qualify for the study when I go for my appointment.
My Twitter buddies are meeting up tonight in Gruene, TX and I'm so jealous! I wanna go! I guess I will have to catch up with them next time. I'm not a huge Roger Creager fan so I can't see driving that far to see him...I'm not sure I'd cross the street! OK I probably would cross the street, but only if it wasn't busy. And if they were serving Shiner.
Hmmm, well, what else is there? I can't believe the kids' spring break is already over. I was hoping we could get out of town but I guess that's going to have to wait till school is out. I really need DH to work somewhere with a beach...
Alright, that's it, I'm beyond sleepy and going to bed!!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Just another quickie!!
There's lots going on that I have plenty of opinions on, but I will just have to get into that later. I have way too much going on, so I'm just gonna hit the highlights.
I finally got a really good night's sleep last night and was awake around 7 feeling well rested! I hope this trend continues because I really need to get back on a decent schedule. I figured out yesterday that my allergies are acting up so maybe if I start taking my Zyrtec it will help.
Good time at the bar last night. It had been awhile. Can't wait to start up our bike nights again. Gotta remember to ask my doctors when it's OK for me to ride again.
Headed to doctors' appointments at Siteman next week with Pinup Barber. I will be seeing the oncologist, the breast surgeon, and the plastic surgeon and having lab work and a bone density test. I hope I get a clean bill of health!!
Getting my first spray tan today so I need to go exfoliate and shave my legs. Maybe a little color will help motivate me to get the rest of my body in shape for swimsuit season. Boobs are already perfect!!
I'm out!
I finally got a really good night's sleep last night and was awake around 7 feeling well rested! I hope this trend continues because I really need to get back on a decent schedule. I figured out yesterday that my allergies are acting up so maybe if I start taking my Zyrtec it will help.
Good time at the bar last night. It had been awhile. Can't wait to start up our bike nights again. Gotta remember to ask my doctors when it's OK for me to ride again.
Headed to doctors' appointments at Siteman next week with Pinup Barber. I will be seeing the oncologist, the breast surgeon, and the plastic surgeon and having lab work and a bone density test. I hope I get a clean bill of health!!
Getting my first spray tan today so I need to go exfoliate and shave my legs. Maybe a little color will help motivate me to get the rest of my body in shape for swimsuit season. Boobs are already perfect!!
I'm out!
Monday, February 28, 2011
The more I try, the behinder I get
So much for my resolve to blog more this year...and there's no way I can catch up in one post, so I'll just begin with recent events and eventually work my way through the whole story. It's 2 am and I'm still up because we have a tornado watch and we've had a couple of instances where the storm sirens didn't go off. Usually DH is on stay up half the night until the bad weather has passed duty, but he was falling asleep at 10 pm so I agreed to stay up. I was getting ready to go to bed when Ms. Thang came downstairs crying because she couldn't sleep. Now I personally think thunderstorms are the best sleeping weather but I guess if you're afraid your house is gonna get blown away you might have a little insomnia. So she's laying on the couch, asleep finally, and after talking to several people on Facebook about different things...softball, gay adoption, and getting ripped off at a bar, I am WIDE. FREAKING. AWAKE. So here we are.
The past few months have been something of a whirlwind. Two of my nursing school besties traveled north to help me out at the end of January. I figured they just wanted to come visit and hang out, but nope, we cleaned house. Literally. I took 8 lawn size garbage bags of stuff to Goodwill and threw away at least that many more. We moved furniture, mopped, dusted, vacuumed, straightened, organized, sorted, and on and on and on. And it was a blast. I have never had so much fun cleaning in my life. It's amazing that the bond we formed in nursing school is still so strong that we can drop what we are doing and help each other out when necessary. I only hope someday I can repay the kindness.
This past Thursday I had my tissue expanders in my chest replaced with silicone implants. It was an outpatient procedure, I think we were at the hospital for a total of 6 hours. We stayed the night before and the night after in St. Louis so we'd be close to the hospital if something were to go wrong. But everything went just fine and we drove back Friday.
Do you know anyone that if something bad can happen to them it will happen? Not like tragic, but just stupid. Like if there's a 10% chance of having a side effect of a drug it will happen to them? Yeah, well, if you couldn't think of anyone, then yeah, it's me. My nurse friends will understand this for sure. It seems that my body has developed an allergy to just about every antibiotic I've ever taken. When I had my previous surgery, remember, they gave me clindamycin and steroids and the steroids masked the clindamycin allergy for several days. So since I'm allergic to the pre-op antibiotics they normally give, they gave me vancomycin instead. Now I've given a ton of vanc over the years and I know to give it slowly, usually over 90 to 120 minutes. However, I did not have my nurse hat on that morning, only my patient hat, so when they mixed it and hung it and piggybacked it into my IV fluids and used dial-a-flow tubing to 250 ml per hour. It was mixed in a 250 ml bag so I would get all of it in an hour. Only...I didn't. I got it in more like 30 minutes. Ever heard of red-man syndrome? I was laying there and my head started itching severely. I thought it was the little surgical cap so I took it off and I was just clawing at my head. My doctor walked in and asked DH, is she normally this red? He said no. The the doctor said, oh I bet it's the vanc, let's slow it down. And he reached up to turn it down and it was all infused. My face and upper chest were severely flushed and it's finally starting to fade today. He told the nurse to have anesthesia give me some benedryl. I've given a lot of benedryl over the years too, and you're supposed to dilute it and push it slowly. Now I know why. It felt like my arm was on fire when she pushed it. I even complained and she didn't even slow down. For a minute I thought the IV had blown and I had an armful of vanc. Then she turned up the IV fluids and gave me the versed and that shut me up!
I vaguely remember moving from the stretcher over to the table in the OR. They started getting me positioned and had my arms strapped down and my nose and head were itching. So I wiggled my left arm out so I could scratch. I don't think they liked that much and they put the mask on my face and gave me more drugs so I would cooperate! The next thing I knew I was in recovery. I drank some diet Pepsi and ate some vanilla wafers, walked to the bathroom to pee, then got dressed and left.
Dr. B said I have to wear an underwire bra and a belt above my boobs for the next 30 days. Well I guess now it's 26 days. In any case, OUCH!! I couldn't wear an underwire after my first surgery so I had gotten used to a softer type of bra. Or sometimes just a tank top under my t-shirt. So putting hardware back in there plus a belt on top, well, let's just say it's not the most comfortable feeling. But it is nice to have boobs that don't feel like boulders sitting under my chin anymore. And I'm sure the time will fly by quickly since I'm pretty busy the next few weeks.
DH says my diet is crap and I've got to start eating better. I take vitamins, doesn't that count? OK fine, I'll eat more veggies and less fast food. I'm feeling better so I should be able to get back in the habit of cooking most of the time. I do like to cook, but it can be a lot of work, especially the clean up. But I know I need to take better care of myself and my family so we can all live for a good long time.
Well I have more to say but I think it's gonna have to wait for another day. I'm getting sleepy now and Ms. Thang is out!!
The past few months have been something of a whirlwind. Two of my nursing school besties traveled north to help me out at the end of January. I figured they just wanted to come visit and hang out, but nope, we cleaned house. Literally. I took 8 lawn size garbage bags of stuff to Goodwill and threw away at least that many more. We moved furniture, mopped, dusted, vacuumed, straightened, organized, sorted, and on and on and on. And it was a blast. I have never had so much fun cleaning in my life. It's amazing that the bond we formed in nursing school is still so strong that we can drop what we are doing and help each other out when necessary. I only hope someday I can repay the kindness.
This past Thursday I had my tissue expanders in my chest replaced with silicone implants. It was an outpatient procedure, I think we were at the hospital for a total of 6 hours. We stayed the night before and the night after in St. Louis so we'd be close to the hospital if something were to go wrong. But everything went just fine and we drove back Friday.
Do you know anyone that if something bad can happen to them it will happen? Not like tragic, but just stupid. Like if there's a 10% chance of having a side effect of a drug it will happen to them? Yeah, well, if you couldn't think of anyone, then yeah, it's me. My nurse friends will understand this for sure. It seems that my body has developed an allergy to just about every antibiotic I've ever taken. When I had my previous surgery, remember, they gave me clindamycin and steroids and the steroids masked the clindamycin allergy for several days. So since I'm allergic to the pre-op antibiotics they normally give, they gave me vancomycin instead. Now I've given a ton of vanc over the years and I know to give it slowly, usually over 90 to 120 minutes. However, I did not have my nurse hat on that morning, only my patient hat, so when they mixed it and hung it and piggybacked it into my IV fluids and used dial-a-flow tubing to 250 ml per hour. It was mixed in a 250 ml bag so I would get all of it in an hour. Only...I didn't. I got it in more like 30 minutes. Ever heard of red-man syndrome? I was laying there and my head started itching severely. I thought it was the little surgical cap so I took it off and I was just clawing at my head. My doctor walked in and asked DH, is she normally this red? He said no. The the doctor said, oh I bet it's the vanc, let's slow it down. And he reached up to turn it down and it was all infused. My face and upper chest were severely flushed and it's finally starting to fade today. He told the nurse to have anesthesia give me some benedryl. I've given a lot of benedryl over the years too, and you're supposed to dilute it and push it slowly. Now I know why. It felt like my arm was on fire when she pushed it. I even complained and she didn't even slow down. For a minute I thought the IV had blown and I had an armful of vanc. Then she turned up the IV fluids and gave me the versed and that shut me up!
I vaguely remember moving from the stretcher over to the table in the OR. They started getting me positioned and had my arms strapped down and my nose and head were itching. So I wiggled my left arm out so I could scratch. I don't think they liked that much and they put the mask on my face and gave me more drugs so I would cooperate! The next thing I knew I was in recovery. I drank some diet Pepsi and ate some vanilla wafers, walked to the bathroom to pee, then got dressed and left.
Dr. B said I have to wear an underwire bra and a belt above my boobs for the next 30 days. Well I guess now it's 26 days. In any case, OUCH!! I couldn't wear an underwire after my first surgery so I had gotten used to a softer type of bra. Or sometimes just a tank top under my t-shirt. So putting hardware back in there plus a belt on top, well, let's just say it's not the most comfortable feeling. But it is nice to have boobs that don't feel like boulders sitting under my chin anymore. And I'm sure the time will fly by quickly since I'm pretty busy the next few weeks.
DH says my diet is crap and I've got to start eating better. I take vitamins, doesn't that count? OK fine, I'll eat more veggies and less fast food. I'm feeling better so I should be able to get back in the habit of cooking most of the time. I do like to cook, but it can be a lot of work, especially the clean up. But I know I need to take better care of myself and my family so we can all live for a good long time.
Well I have more to say but I think it's gonna have to wait for another day. I'm getting sleepy now and Ms. Thang is out!!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Resolve
Well, my unstated resolution for 2011 was to update my blog more often. Looking back over my posts over the past several months, I've noticed a pattern. When things are going badly, I blog a lot. When they are going good, not so much. So this year I'm going to try to blog during both good and bad times and see if it doesn't seem more balanced.
So, what is today? A good day or a bad day? Well, a little of both I guess. The kiddos are back in school and things are kind of getting back to normal around here. I say kind of because DH is still at home and I'm not really sure when he's supposed to go back to work. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE having him home, but he's kind of a bad influence on me. He makes me wanna sit around and watch movies and hang out and talk and not do housework or errands or clean out the humongous piles of crap (not literal crap, just random stuff) in my bedroom and laundry room and closets and then kids' rooms (see a pattern here?). So right now my furniture is all askew, all the bedrooms are a wreck, and there's probably 17 loads of laundry to be done. I guess we have been making up for time spent apart and I guess all that crap will still be there when he goes back to work. The only problem is I have company coming in a couple of weeks and I don't want them to think I live like this!! So I've got to get some motivation going and get at least some of it straightened up. It will probably help my frame of mind too.
I'm a little worried about DH. I know he stresses about money when he's not working. I do too, that's why I paid some bills early last month because I knew he'd be off. I don't want him to worry though. The past year has taught me so much how God truly does provide. Maybe not everything you want, but certainly everything you need. I lost my job, DH got one that paid way better than mine so we're in a better place financially. I lost my insurance and got cancer, I got MOHealthnet that covers more and allowed me to go to better physicians at a top cancer center instead of the local hospital that was the only option on my employer's insurance. I had something of a strained relationship with my parents, but they came through and helped us out of the love that was always there and I've been more open with them without feeling rejected because some of my actions and beliefs are different from theirs. Now we have a better relationship and I don't feel like I'm hiding things anymore. I thought I had it all together, but no one has it all together and everyone needs help from time to time. I leaned on friends and family for support and meals and help with housework and I discovered some amazing friends that I maybe had overlooked. I found that some friends that I thought would always be there for me really weren't all that great but they were doing the best they can. I started seeing people for what they are...some are self-absorbed and some are not...some are there at the drop of a hat and some will tell you they will be but then leave you high and dry.
Having a serious illness opened my eyes to see through a lot of bullshit. Maybe that's not the nicest way to put it but it's real, for God's sake. There are a lot of phony people in the world, people who are all talk and no action. People waste a lot of time gossiping and judging when what they should be doing is loving and helping and praying. I know over the past several months I've had a lot of people praying for me and my family. Probably a lot of those people I don't even know, but they still took the time to pray for a young mother's healing and survival and for my children's well-being. Some of that prayer was also backed up by action...meals, gift cards, help with travel expenses, driving me to chemo, helping out with child care, taking kids back and forth to school and football, cleaning my house, cleaning out my fridge, and so many other actions that I can't think of right now. My cup truly runneth over.
Cancer also made me take a look at who I truly am, not just what people see. Is the image I project the real me? It should be, and I am trying very hard to make sure that it is. I am not the same girl I was when I was 10 or 20 or even 30. I am changing and growing all the time. Why do I wear the clothes I wear or style my hair a certain way? Do I really like it or am I doing it because it's the fashion or to please someone else? What about my make-up, jewelry, tattoos, and head coverings? All these things reflect me, the real me, not the "me" that other people may want me to be but the one who is evolving every day. And my words...are they real or fake? Do I mean what I say and say what I mean? I hope so...I'm trying every day. I may not be going to church right now but I do pray a lot. And I try to be me...just me...imperfect, wart and all.
And now, the real me has to go pick BabyBoy up from school!
So, what is today? A good day or a bad day? Well, a little of both I guess. The kiddos are back in school and things are kind of getting back to normal around here. I say kind of because DH is still at home and I'm not really sure when he's supposed to go back to work. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE having him home, but he's kind of a bad influence on me. He makes me wanna sit around and watch movies and hang out and talk and not do housework or errands or clean out the humongous piles of crap (not literal crap, just random stuff) in my bedroom and laundry room and closets and then kids' rooms (see a pattern here?). So right now my furniture is all askew, all the bedrooms are a wreck, and there's probably 17 loads of laundry to be done. I guess we have been making up for time spent apart and I guess all that crap will still be there when he goes back to work. The only problem is I have company coming in a couple of weeks and I don't want them to think I live like this!! So I've got to get some motivation going and get at least some of it straightened up. It will probably help my frame of mind too.
I'm a little worried about DH. I know he stresses about money when he's not working. I do too, that's why I paid some bills early last month because I knew he'd be off. I don't want him to worry though. The past year has taught me so much how God truly does provide. Maybe not everything you want, but certainly everything you need. I lost my job, DH got one that paid way better than mine so we're in a better place financially. I lost my insurance and got cancer, I got MOHealthnet that covers more and allowed me to go to better physicians at a top cancer center instead of the local hospital that was the only option on my employer's insurance. I had something of a strained relationship with my parents, but they came through and helped us out of the love that was always there and I've been more open with them without feeling rejected because some of my actions and beliefs are different from theirs. Now we have a better relationship and I don't feel like I'm hiding things anymore. I thought I had it all together, but no one has it all together and everyone needs help from time to time. I leaned on friends and family for support and meals and help with housework and I discovered some amazing friends that I maybe had overlooked. I found that some friends that I thought would always be there for me really weren't all that great but they were doing the best they can. I started seeing people for what they are...some are self-absorbed and some are not...some are there at the drop of a hat and some will tell you they will be but then leave you high and dry.
Having a serious illness opened my eyes to see through a lot of bullshit. Maybe that's not the nicest way to put it but it's real, for God's sake. There are a lot of phony people in the world, people who are all talk and no action. People waste a lot of time gossiping and judging when what they should be doing is loving and helping and praying. I know over the past several months I've had a lot of people praying for me and my family. Probably a lot of those people I don't even know, but they still took the time to pray for a young mother's healing and survival and for my children's well-being. Some of that prayer was also backed up by action...meals, gift cards, help with travel expenses, driving me to chemo, helping out with child care, taking kids back and forth to school and football, cleaning my house, cleaning out my fridge, and so many other actions that I can't think of right now. My cup truly runneth over.
Cancer also made me take a look at who I truly am, not just what people see. Is the image I project the real me? It should be, and I am trying very hard to make sure that it is. I am not the same girl I was when I was 10 or 20 or even 30. I am changing and growing all the time. Why do I wear the clothes I wear or style my hair a certain way? Do I really like it or am I doing it because it's the fashion or to please someone else? What about my make-up, jewelry, tattoos, and head coverings? All these things reflect me, the real me, not the "me" that other people may want me to be but the one who is evolving every day. And my words...are they real or fake? Do I mean what I say and say what I mean? I hope so...I'm trying every day. I may not be going to church right now but I do pray a lot. And I try to be me...just me...imperfect, wart and all.
And now, the real me has to go pick BabyBoy up from school!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
new year...new post!
We had a good time last night for New Years. DH and I celebrated at our bar. The nice thing about owning your own place is when you close you can kick everyone out and then hang out. Which is what we did last night. It was cool to just visit with BFF and BD for awhile last night. OK technically early this morning.
I've been pondering New Year's resolutions for a couple of weeks and I still haven't decided if I'm gonna make any. Usually it's just a setup for epic fail. Maybe my resolution should be not to make resolutions. In any case, I do have some big plans for the new year. I'm not sure exactly what they are but when I come up with them I will let you know.
Right now I'm trying to decide whether to make my own birthday cake or send DH out to the store to buy one. I'm leaning toward making my own...I have a bundt cake pan that I haven't used in quite a while. I even got it out and looked at it yesterday. When DH asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I told him to just take the kids to the store and let them pick out something. I'm kind of anxious to open my presents and see how they did.
So far 37 feels strangely similar to 36. My back hurts this morning but it's been hurting for several days so I don't think it's age related. I've gotten a ton of happy birthdays on my Facebook and phone and I appreciate every one of them.
Alrighty, then. Time to head upstairs and get the cake going. I will have to send poor DH out for some black eyed peas for good luck!
I've been pondering New Year's resolutions for a couple of weeks and I still haven't decided if I'm gonna make any. Usually it's just a setup for epic fail. Maybe my resolution should be not to make resolutions. In any case, I do have some big plans for the new year. I'm not sure exactly what they are but when I come up with them I will let you know.
Right now I'm trying to decide whether to make my own birthday cake or send DH out to the store to buy one. I'm leaning toward making my own...I have a bundt cake pan that I haven't used in quite a while. I even got it out and looked at it yesterday. When DH asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I told him to just take the kids to the store and let them pick out something. I'm kind of anxious to open my presents and see how they did.
So far 37 feels strangely similar to 36. My back hurts this morning but it's been hurting for several days so I don't think it's age related. I've gotten a ton of happy birthdays on my Facebook and phone and I appreciate every one of them.
Alrighty, then. Time to head upstairs and get the cake going. I will have to send poor DH out for some black eyed peas for good luck!
Friday, December 31, 2010
I'm still here!!
DH asked me last week if I've given up on blogging. My answer: a resounding NO!! I've actually been super busy and I can't just sit down and write without inspiration and time. Sadly, I've had inspiration but no time! So today, on the last day of 2010, a year that has brought about an extraordinary amount of change that I could not haven even begun to imagine, I will share my thoughts on the events of the past year and my hopes for the upcoming one. DH is home and watching a movie I've already seen so I can write during the less exciting parts.
He's watching Shining Through, a wonderful World War II spy movie with Melanie Griffith and Michael Douglas. As good as the movie is, the book is even better and I highly recommend both. I am not a huge fan of either of the main actors but I can forgive their creepiness, at least while I'm watching this movie.
Anyway, on to my thoughts. Don't worry, it will be short! Well, maybe...
Over the past year I have had enormous changes in my life, enough change to last me a lifetime. If you had told me last year on my 36th birthday what would happen in 2010, I would not have believed you. But here I am, 364 days later, still here, living to tell the tale.
I'm sure you've heard the saying, "When God closes a door, he opens another." Well, this past year is living proof of that adage. In my case, I think he closed a doggie door and opened an airport hangar door!
Things started off nicely, I thought in 2010. I had the best birthday party ever! A party bus going back and forth between Hooligans and Lindberg's with live bands at each one was just awesome. Now, obviously, it was not just for my birthday, but it was on my birthday so I'm counting it as my party! We were talking the other day and I think we're gonna do it again this year, but not on my birthday since that's tomorrow! Maybe on BFF's birthday this year. We'll have to look at the calendar.
Work seemed to be going well. I got along with my boss, and I thought that the issues I'd had with a couple of my co-workers were long resolved. So you can imagine my surprise when one of those co-workers, a lady whom I'd counseled on problems with her teenage stepson, prayed for, eaten with, exchanged Christmas gifts with, congratulated when she passed her certification exam, and worked, I thought, side by side as both colleagues and friends, lied about what I had told her about a situation with a patient. And as if that wasn't bad enough, my boss, whom I'd also eaten with, exchanged Christmas presents with, traveled with, received nice hand-me-down clothing for my kids from, and honestly considered to be a good friend, believed what she said and didn't even bother to ask me about it. Didn't even talk to me about it first before dragging me into HR and throwing me to the wolves. And once I got into HR, I was handed a typed report of the lies the co-worker had told to my boss and told I was suspended until the investigation was complete. They called me back in a week later and told me I was fired. I fortunately saw the writing on the wall in HR the day I was suspended and took as many of my belongings out of my desk as I could. I took copies of some of the policies and a procedure checklist for the incident which was complained about. When I applied for unemployment I sent a copy of these along to the caseworker because my former employer contested my benefits. They said I had violated a policy. Well, apparently, they made up a new policy and backdated it to before when the incident took place and submitted that to the caseworker and he ruled in their favor. So I've gotten to be unemployed for the last eight months without receiving unemployment. I guess that's good for the Obama administration because I don't count in the unemployment statistics.
I feel kind of bad because I've not kept in touch very well with my co-workers I did like. I had lunch with my former boss and two of my nice co-workers and it was awkward. My former boss was actually complaining that state regulators were making them change their practices and it was all I could do to not say that they brought it on themselves. Because when they fired me, they filed a complaint against my license, and the board investigation brought in state investigators and they looked at the whole process, not just what happened with me. I received a letter from the state board in July, around the time I got my cancer diagnosis, stating my former employer had lodged a complaint against me. I didn't even bother to reply. A few weeks ago I got another letter from the board, stating they had found I had done nothing wrong and no action would be taken against my license. So without my even defending myself, an objective outside party looked at the situation and determined I had not acted inappropriately. All this leads me to believe, that, with or without collusion from my boss, HR decided to get rid of me before I ever walked in to that office. I do find it interesting that my boss hired one of her friends to take my former position.
Now, having said all that...am I bitter? Oh, maybe a little, but it's fading. And the whole incident taught me a few valuable life lessons. Number one: your boss is not your friend. Period. Ever. You can be friendly but do not ever expect that they will have your back if something happens. Number two: once you have an enemy at work, that person will always be an enemy, even if you think everything is water under the bridge. Never trust them again. Number three: always go with your gut. The whole situation would not have even happened if I had not ignored my gut feeling.
I don't think I had ever felt as low as I did the day I walked out of HR after being fired. But it turns out that the worse was yet to come.
Last January I finally went to the female doctor for the first time in three years. The last OB-GYN I'd gone to since my insurance changed was such an asshole that I could not bring myself to make another appointment with him. And I didn't have any good leads for a different one so I just didn't go. But after almost three years and one of my friends nagging me, I finally found a doctor and made an appointment. I actually didn't see the doctor but I saw her nurse practicioner and I absolutely loved her!! And it was the NP who asked me if I wanted to have a screening mammogram this year. So it's her fault I got breast cancer! Nah, not really, thanks to her, my breast cancer was caught very early.
Getting fired absolutely sucks. Facing the possibility of cancer when you don't have a job or insurance is terrifying. But the women I met through Show Me Healthy Women and Jordan Valley Community Health Center helped put my mind at ease. Show Me Healthy Women paid for my diagnostic mammogram and biopsy, and the social worker at Jordan Valley set me up with a program through Missouri Healthnet for women who have gone through the Show Me Healthy Women program who get diagnosed with cancer. Thanks to this program, I have been able to get care at one of the best cancer centers in America, Siteman Cancer Center at Barnes Jewish Hospital and Washington University School of Medicine. I honestly think I am getting better care than I would have on my employer's insurance and I have not had to worry about trying to keep my job to keep my benefits or paying through the nose for COBRA coverage while I'm getting treated.
So I guess getting fired was a blessing in disguise. But it doesn't make me feel any better about the shoddy way I was treated. Especially being lied about. Even at almost 37, I still worry about what people think of me. And I would hate for any of my former co-workers, people outside of my small group who worked with me only occasionally, to think I would mistreat a patient.
So let's see...we've covered the job loss, the cancer diagnosis...what else do I need to talk about? Oh yeah, the cancer treatment. If you've followed my blog you've heard firsthand a lot of what I've gone through. At this point, I feel so much relief that it is finally over. Well, kind of. I still have to have reconstructive surgery and I have to take these stupid pills and shots that put me into menopause for the next five years. But I get to spend those years with my family, being mom and wife and daughter and sister (ok technically sister-in-law but I consider DH's family to be my own). That is the best gift I could be given.
Sadly, my year has not ended on a positive note. A good friend of mine and DH's was brutally murdered a couple of weeks ago. There have been different stories circulating about what led up to his murder and why the piece of shit who killed him did it, but it all boils down to this: he was our friend, just like family, and what happened to him SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED. He was snuffed out before his time and the actions of his murderer have caused a lot of pain for JM's daughter, father, step-son, other family and all his friends who were his extended family. I knew JM well, for several years, and I do not believe the reason the murderer gave to the police. I am not sure what to think of what the step-son has to say. I will pray for JM's family and pray for justice for his murder. What I said on my Facebook was absolutely true. My heart was truly broken when I heard the news. For such a gentle, sweet man to be taken from us is an absolute tragedy.
For all the bad things that happened in 2010, I am still thankful to be here to have experienced them. Everything happens for a reason, and God does not give us more than we can handle. I think He must have a little more confidence in me that I have.
Here's to 2011 being a happy, prosperous, calm and beautiful year.
He's watching Shining Through, a wonderful World War II spy movie with Melanie Griffith and Michael Douglas. As good as the movie is, the book is even better and I highly recommend both. I am not a huge fan of either of the main actors but I can forgive their creepiness, at least while I'm watching this movie.
Anyway, on to my thoughts. Don't worry, it will be short! Well, maybe...
Over the past year I have had enormous changes in my life, enough change to last me a lifetime. If you had told me last year on my 36th birthday what would happen in 2010, I would not have believed you. But here I am, 364 days later, still here, living to tell the tale.
I'm sure you've heard the saying, "When God closes a door, he opens another." Well, this past year is living proof of that adage. In my case, I think he closed a doggie door and opened an airport hangar door!
Things started off nicely, I thought in 2010. I had the best birthday party ever! A party bus going back and forth between Hooligans and Lindberg's with live bands at each one was just awesome. Now, obviously, it was not just for my birthday, but it was on my birthday so I'm counting it as my party! We were talking the other day and I think we're gonna do it again this year, but not on my birthday since that's tomorrow! Maybe on BFF's birthday this year. We'll have to look at the calendar.
Work seemed to be going well. I got along with my boss, and I thought that the issues I'd had with a couple of my co-workers were long resolved. So you can imagine my surprise when one of those co-workers, a lady whom I'd counseled on problems with her teenage stepson, prayed for, eaten with, exchanged Christmas gifts with, congratulated when she passed her certification exam, and worked, I thought, side by side as both colleagues and friends, lied about what I had told her about a situation with a patient. And as if that wasn't bad enough, my boss, whom I'd also eaten with, exchanged Christmas presents with, traveled with, received nice hand-me-down clothing for my kids from, and honestly considered to be a good friend, believed what she said and didn't even bother to ask me about it. Didn't even talk to me about it first before dragging me into HR and throwing me to the wolves. And once I got into HR, I was handed a typed report of the lies the co-worker had told to my boss and told I was suspended until the investigation was complete. They called me back in a week later and told me I was fired. I fortunately saw the writing on the wall in HR the day I was suspended and took as many of my belongings out of my desk as I could. I took copies of some of the policies and a procedure checklist for the incident which was complained about. When I applied for unemployment I sent a copy of these along to the caseworker because my former employer contested my benefits. They said I had violated a policy. Well, apparently, they made up a new policy and backdated it to before when the incident took place and submitted that to the caseworker and he ruled in their favor. So I've gotten to be unemployed for the last eight months without receiving unemployment. I guess that's good for the Obama administration because I don't count in the unemployment statistics.
I feel kind of bad because I've not kept in touch very well with my co-workers I did like. I had lunch with my former boss and two of my nice co-workers and it was awkward. My former boss was actually complaining that state regulators were making them change their practices and it was all I could do to not say that they brought it on themselves. Because when they fired me, they filed a complaint against my license, and the board investigation brought in state investigators and they looked at the whole process, not just what happened with me. I received a letter from the state board in July, around the time I got my cancer diagnosis, stating my former employer had lodged a complaint against me. I didn't even bother to reply. A few weeks ago I got another letter from the board, stating they had found I had done nothing wrong and no action would be taken against my license. So without my even defending myself, an objective outside party looked at the situation and determined I had not acted inappropriately. All this leads me to believe, that, with or without collusion from my boss, HR decided to get rid of me before I ever walked in to that office. I do find it interesting that my boss hired one of her friends to take my former position.
Now, having said all that...am I bitter? Oh, maybe a little, but it's fading. And the whole incident taught me a few valuable life lessons. Number one: your boss is not your friend. Period. Ever. You can be friendly but do not ever expect that they will have your back if something happens. Number two: once you have an enemy at work, that person will always be an enemy, even if you think everything is water under the bridge. Never trust them again. Number three: always go with your gut. The whole situation would not have even happened if I had not ignored my gut feeling.
I don't think I had ever felt as low as I did the day I walked out of HR after being fired. But it turns out that the worse was yet to come.
Last January I finally went to the female doctor for the first time in three years. The last OB-GYN I'd gone to since my insurance changed was such an asshole that I could not bring myself to make another appointment with him. And I didn't have any good leads for a different one so I just didn't go. But after almost three years and one of my friends nagging me, I finally found a doctor and made an appointment. I actually didn't see the doctor but I saw her nurse practicioner and I absolutely loved her!! And it was the NP who asked me if I wanted to have a screening mammogram this year. So it's her fault I got breast cancer! Nah, not really, thanks to her, my breast cancer was caught very early.
Getting fired absolutely sucks. Facing the possibility of cancer when you don't have a job or insurance is terrifying. But the women I met through Show Me Healthy Women and Jordan Valley Community Health Center helped put my mind at ease. Show Me Healthy Women paid for my diagnostic mammogram and biopsy, and the social worker at Jordan Valley set me up with a program through Missouri Healthnet for women who have gone through the Show Me Healthy Women program who get diagnosed with cancer. Thanks to this program, I have been able to get care at one of the best cancer centers in America, Siteman Cancer Center at Barnes Jewish Hospital and Washington University School of Medicine. I honestly think I am getting better care than I would have on my employer's insurance and I have not had to worry about trying to keep my job to keep my benefits or paying through the nose for COBRA coverage while I'm getting treated.
So I guess getting fired was a blessing in disguise. But it doesn't make me feel any better about the shoddy way I was treated. Especially being lied about. Even at almost 37, I still worry about what people think of me. And I would hate for any of my former co-workers, people outside of my small group who worked with me only occasionally, to think I would mistreat a patient.
So let's see...we've covered the job loss, the cancer diagnosis...what else do I need to talk about? Oh yeah, the cancer treatment. If you've followed my blog you've heard firsthand a lot of what I've gone through. At this point, I feel so much relief that it is finally over. Well, kind of. I still have to have reconstructive surgery and I have to take these stupid pills and shots that put me into menopause for the next five years. But I get to spend those years with my family, being mom and wife and daughter and sister (ok technically sister-in-law but I consider DH's family to be my own). That is the best gift I could be given.
Sadly, my year has not ended on a positive note. A good friend of mine and DH's was brutally murdered a couple of weeks ago. There have been different stories circulating about what led up to his murder and why the piece of shit who killed him did it, but it all boils down to this: he was our friend, just like family, and what happened to him SHOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED. He was snuffed out before his time and the actions of his murderer have caused a lot of pain for JM's daughter, father, step-son, other family and all his friends who were his extended family. I knew JM well, for several years, and I do not believe the reason the murderer gave to the police. I am not sure what to think of what the step-son has to say. I will pray for JM's family and pray for justice for his murder. What I said on my Facebook was absolutely true. My heart was truly broken when I heard the news. For such a gentle, sweet man to be taken from us is an absolute tragedy.
For all the bad things that happened in 2010, I am still thankful to be here to have experienced them. Everything happens for a reason, and God does not give us more than we can handle. I think He must have a little more confidence in me that I have.
Here's to 2011 being a happy, prosperous, calm and beautiful year.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Catch up time
Well, the past couple of weeks have been fairly busy, so I've not had time to blog. Actually, that's not quite true...I've had time, I just haven't had much to say or known how to say what I do have to say. But what the heck? Let's see what I can spew forth.
RIP Leslie Nielsen and Elizabeth Edwards. I laughed my ass off at his movies and although I didn't agree with her politics, her fight against breast cancer was valiant.
I hate hearing about women dying of breast cancer because I'm afraid that will be me. Even though my cancer was caught early and had not spread out of the breast, it makes me nervous when I hear about someone whose cancer recurred and now they are terminal or have died. I have way too much left to do in my life. So I try to live each day as though my days were numbered. Which is probably why I never have any clean laundry. I mean, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their life?
DH made it home (finally!) last Friday night. Technically Saturday morning at 12:30. I waited up for him. Well, actually I fell asleep on the couch in my cute little nightgown but I wasn't in bed sound asleep when he got home. Since Monday we've been waiting for the phone call saying he has to come back to work. Even though we'll probably be broke as hell and at each other's throats (that's based on previous experience) I still don't really want him to go back out again until after the holidays. I have a honey-do list for him that's approximately a mile long, mostly bar stuff, and if he leaves again we'll have to start all over getting him rested up and ready to go back to work for free. Well, I don't guess it's free, we do make money off the bar (a little!) but it's not the same as getting an hourly wage. I'm not sure he'd agree that cleaning out the storeroom and putting up more shelves will lead to an increase in beer sales.
Speaking of the bar, I had my first week of being the owner on duty last week. Holy smokes, I was busy!! Between doing the deposit every day, paying the bills, doing the shopping, and ordering stuff, I was busy for minimum of an hour every day! But at the end of the week I felt better about how things were going and I'm glad I'm feeling like getting my nose into what's really going on. Oh how I wish things would just go gangbusters and I could turn managing the bar into a full time job! I wouldn't even mind expanding into the lunch business but I don't want to step on any of my neighbors' toes. So I'll be patient.
I'm feeling pretty good the past 10 days or so. I've started (slowly) working on getting my house back in to fighting shape. It always gets out of control during the days after chemo and this time was no exception. Add to that my general clutter and BabyBoy's ability to mess it up faster than it can be cleaned up and it's quickly descending into SuperFund candidate once again. I'm looking forward to Christmas break when I can be an evil slave driver to my children every day, holding their Christmas presents hostage until they get the house tidy! Actually the worst room in the house is mine! I'm working on it slowly but surely. The problem is I have WAY too much stuff! Too many clothes, too many shoes, too many books, etc. I just need to bite the bullet and get rid of stuff. Easier said than done, because I have to go through it all first. I mean, what if I accidentally gave my Koffin Kats T-shirt to Goodwill? That would be terrible! I've made it my goal to work on my room at least a little each day. So far I've worked on it two days in a row. Well, kind of. I didn't get a whole lot done but I at least got started.
Today BeBe came over for coffee. It's not the usual day but she has school stuff tomorrow so we drank coffee, ate cinnamon rolls, gossiped and made a craft project today. I won't say what the project is yet because it's for the bar and no one has seen it except BeBe, DH and the kids. When I get it up to the bar I'll go public. Don't get too excited...I'm no Martha Stewart.
I talked to one of my nursing school girlfriends Sunday night and she and one of our other friends are coming up to visit me in late January! I'm so excited! When they get here it will have been two years since we've seen each other. They drove over from Lafayette for a day when I was in New Orleans for a meeting in 2009. I can't wait to show them the bar and take them out for sushi and just hang out and catch up.
My dog Buddy (the stray we picked up on our way home from Florida) is quite the little escape artist. I think I should have named him Houdini. Today BeBe and I watched him squeeze through a hole in the fence to get back in the yard. Yes, he escaped and then I guess got bored with the outside world so he came back. He nearly got stuck so I'm anxiously awaiting the day when he finally does. I hope I'm home so I can get him unstuck so he doesn't get hurt. I also hope I have my camera handy. Heck, maybe I'll even charge up the HandyCam so I can get a video of it and let NOS put it on YouTube.
Tank, my mastiff, on the other hand, won't even walk out of the gate if the Dish Network guy forgets to close it. I guess he's just extremely happy to be in our back yard. He likes to go out one last time before bed every night. I don't know if he has a small bladder like me or if he just wants to scan for strange men lurking in my back yard. Either way he will sit and stare at me until I let him go out. He will also go get in bed with BabyBoy if I don't let him sleep in the bedroom with me. I draw the line at letting him sprawl out in my bed though!
The past few months my sleep has just been royally screwed up. I know I have a good reason but it doesn't change the fact that it's screwed up. I've had nights where I've fallen asleep in the recliner with the lights and TV on and not woke up until the sun was coming up. Or nights where I've fallen asleep in the recliner and woke up at like 2 am and gone to bed and then not been able to sleep. It really sucks! I'm not sure if it's because DH is not home with me or it's the hot flashes or the steroids or just general worry. Whatever it is, I'm ready to get back to normal. I have no desire to get hooked on anything, so I'm loathe to take sleeping pills. I have some, and I use them occasionally, but I don't want it to become a habit.
Speaking of hot flashes, who the hell came up with that term? They are not "flashes!" If they were, I'd be able to handle them a lot better. No, they last way longer than the term "flash" implies. Its 15 or 20 minutes of wondering if this will be the time my head shoots off my body because I'm on fire! So far all the remedies that have been suggested to me have not really helped. Damn estrogen-receptor positive breast cancer! I could use a little Premarin to counteract menopause! It is a chemically-induced menopause but the symptoms seem to suck just as bad. Maybe even worse since it's all at once instead of gradual like natural menopause. Oh, well, I'd still prefer hot flashes over dying.
The dryer beeped at me and DH has been in bed for an hour, so I think I probably need to wrap this up and see if I can actually go to sleep. I really ought to do this daily but I'm not that good at planning.
RIP Leslie Nielsen and Elizabeth Edwards. I laughed my ass off at his movies and although I didn't agree with her politics, her fight against breast cancer was valiant.
I hate hearing about women dying of breast cancer because I'm afraid that will be me. Even though my cancer was caught early and had not spread out of the breast, it makes me nervous when I hear about someone whose cancer recurred and now they are terminal or have died. I have way too much left to do in my life. So I try to live each day as though my days were numbered. Which is probably why I never have any clean laundry. I mean, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their life?
DH made it home (finally!) last Friday night. Technically Saturday morning at 12:30. I waited up for him. Well, actually I fell asleep on the couch in my cute little nightgown but I wasn't in bed sound asleep when he got home. Since Monday we've been waiting for the phone call saying he has to come back to work. Even though we'll probably be broke as hell and at each other's throats (that's based on previous experience) I still don't really want him to go back out again until after the holidays. I have a honey-do list for him that's approximately a mile long, mostly bar stuff, and if he leaves again we'll have to start all over getting him rested up and ready to go back to work for free. Well, I don't guess it's free, we do make money off the bar (a little!) but it's not the same as getting an hourly wage. I'm not sure he'd agree that cleaning out the storeroom and putting up more shelves will lead to an increase in beer sales.
Speaking of the bar, I had my first week of being the owner on duty last week. Holy smokes, I was busy!! Between doing the deposit every day, paying the bills, doing the shopping, and ordering stuff, I was busy for minimum of an hour every day! But at the end of the week I felt better about how things were going and I'm glad I'm feeling like getting my nose into what's really going on. Oh how I wish things would just go gangbusters and I could turn managing the bar into a full time job! I wouldn't even mind expanding into the lunch business but I don't want to step on any of my neighbors' toes. So I'll be patient.
I'm feeling pretty good the past 10 days or so. I've started (slowly) working on getting my house back in to fighting shape. It always gets out of control during the days after chemo and this time was no exception. Add to that my general clutter and BabyBoy's ability to mess it up faster than it can be cleaned up and it's quickly descending into SuperFund candidate once again. I'm looking forward to Christmas break when I can be an evil slave driver to my children every day, holding their Christmas presents hostage until they get the house tidy! Actually the worst room in the house is mine! I'm working on it slowly but surely. The problem is I have WAY too much stuff! Too many clothes, too many shoes, too many books, etc. I just need to bite the bullet and get rid of stuff. Easier said than done, because I have to go through it all first. I mean, what if I accidentally gave my Koffin Kats T-shirt to Goodwill? That would be terrible! I've made it my goal to work on my room at least a little each day. So far I've worked on it two days in a row. Well, kind of. I didn't get a whole lot done but I at least got started.
Today BeBe came over for coffee. It's not the usual day but she has school stuff tomorrow so we drank coffee, ate cinnamon rolls, gossiped and made a craft project today. I won't say what the project is yet because it's for the bar and no one has seen it except BeBe, DH and the kids. When I get it up to the bar I'll go public. Don't get too excited...I'm no Martha Stewart.
I talked to one of my nursing school girlfriends Sunday night and she and one of our other friends are coming up to visit me in late January! I'm so excited! When they get here it will have been two years since we've seen each other. They drove over from Lafayette for a day when I was in New Orleans for a meeting in 2009. I can't wait to show them the bar and take them out for sushi and just hang out and catch up.
My dog Buddy (the stray we picked up on our way home from Florida) is quite the little escape artist. I think I should have named him Houdini. Today BeBe and I watched him squeeze through a hole in the fence to get back in the yard. Yes, he escaped and then I guess got bored with the outside world so he came back. He nearly got stuck so I'm anxiously awaiting the day when he finally does. I hope I'm home so I can get him unstuck so he doesn't get hurt. I also hope I have my camera handy. Heck, maybe I'll even charge up the HandyCam so I can get a video of it and let NOS put it on YouTube.
Tank, my mastiff, on the other hand, won't even walk out of the gate if the Dish Network guy forgets to close it. I guess he's just extremely happy to be in our back yard. He likes to go out one last time before bed every night. I don't know if he has a small bladder like me or if he just wants to scan for strange men lurking in my back yard. Either way he will sit and stare at me until I let him go out. He will also go get in bed with BabyBoy if I don't let him sleep in the bedroom with me. I draw the line at letting him sprawl out in my bed though!
The past few months my sleep has just been royally screwed up. I know I have a good reason but it doesn't change the fact that it's screwed up. I've had nights where I've fallen asleep in the recliner with the lights and TV on and not woke up until the sun was coming up. Or nights where I've fallen asleep in the recliner and woke up at like 2 am and gone to bed and then not been able to sleep. It really sucks! I'm not sure if it's because DH is not home with me or it's the hot flashes or the steroids or just general worry. Whatever it is, I'm ready to get back to normal. I have no desire to get hooked on anything, so I'm loathe to take sleeping pills. I have some, and I use them occasionally, but I don't want it to become a habit.
Speaking of hot flashes, who the hell came up with that term? They are not "flashes!" If they were, I'd be able to handle them a lot better. No, they last way longer than the term "flash" implies. Its 15 or 20 minutes of wondering if this will be the time my head shoots off my body because I'm on fire! So far all the remedies that have been suggested to me have not really helped. Damn estrogen-receptor positive breast cancer! I could use a little Premarin to counteract menopause! It is a chemically-induced menopause but the symptoms seem to suck just as bad. Maybe even worse since it's all at once instead of gradual like natural menopause. Oh, well, I'd still prefer hot flashes over dying.
The dryer beeped at me and DH has been in bed for an hour, so I think I probably need to wrap this up and see if I can actually go to sleep. I really ought to do this daily but I'm not that good at planning.
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